The Crayon Box

Finding Your Color in a Black & White World

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Shared Experiences

Last week I lost a member of my family, my mom’s cousin Jim. He grew up with my mom and uncles. While I was privileged to grow up spending time with him at family reunions and extended family vacations, there was a bit of an age gap. We were not close.

I am still sad and it has been hard. If anything I am very close to his mom, my great-aunt, and his sister. So I’ve been doing what I can this week to help them process their own loss.

In doing so I have been able to revisit my own early grief journey with a new perspective. I’m nearly two years removed from the loss of my own brother tragically and it has not been an easy two years. For better or for worse I have been forever changed. I appreciate the metaphor about gluing together a broken vase in this moment. While the vase may retain its shape, it will forever be broken. That’s grief. Eventually you can repair the shape of your life, but it will forever be altered.

I am surprised in hindsight that my grief no longer weighs me down. It’s there, and surfaces in random moments and memories, but it is no longer a daily struggle.

And I am happy to be a guide for someone else in their journey. As I told my cousin Trish, I hate that we are in the club together, but here we are and here I am.

It makes me think that as cliché as the expression is, there is a reason for things that happen in our life that we may not understand. And while I sincerely doubt my brother passed to pave the way for me to counsel my cousin in her own grief, I know I can offer my experience and shine the way for her to move forward.

The collective shared experiences of others have gotten me through not just my loss, but many of life’s trials and tribulations. Even if details vary, enough can be shared to provide a glimmer of hope to the ones that come after you on the journey.

Take a moment to reflect on your experiences. Where are you able to offer a flashlight to someone struggling in the dark of life’s troubles? The journey we all take matters, and in the words of Ram Dass, “We’re all just walking each other home.”

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Dear LGBTQ+ friends,

1) I love you. Your full whole self.

2) I would not change anything about you. Not a hair on your head.

3) I see you. I value you. I want you to be your authentic self. I treasure the courage it takes to be exactly who you are.

4) I am proud of you. I am proud to call you my friend.

5) I want to know you. Wherever you are on your journey (because we’re all on one, aren’t we?)

6) I am here for you. I will do whatever I can for you to be yourself. For you to have the choice to marry who you want, (or if you choose not to- that’s cool too!). I want you to be able to have children (If that’s what you want).

7) I know it can be hard to trust me. I am safe in my status as a cisgender heterosexual person. Just know I will do what it takes to earn your trust. All you have to do is ask. Or tell me what to do. I am willing to learn. Please let me know if I make mistakes as an ally. I will correct them to the best of my ability. I want to use my privilege to boost yours.

8) I apologize for the harm Christians have done to you. I believe God created you just the way you are. I believe Jesus loves you just the way you are. If you don’t believe in Jesus, (especially the Western version)- I don’t blame you. I would like to apologize on behalf of Christians that have treated you poorly or expected you to make yourself smaller to fit some kind of mold. I apologize for Christians that have used the Bible as a tool to beat you up. I don’t believe that is how God intended his love story to humans to be used. God is a creative creator, and I believe you were created out of pure love for a reason. The God/Jesus I believe in have room for you at the table- exactly how you were made- beautifully in the image of the divine.

As one of my favorite people says, “a rising tide lifts all boats.” There is room for all of us at the table. So, this pride month I want you to know I’m here for you. You are beautiful, exactly as you are.

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Free Time

I was asked yesterday what I’m doing with my time since I’m not working. Take away the fact that I can never answer those questions under pressure (perceived or real), and I still could not come up with much of an answer.

I read. Take walks. Clean a lot. Listen to podcasts.

That’s all I could think of.

I watch tv, which felt like an answer I shouldn’t give. Like it was wrong somehow.

So I think I finally mumbled something about having time off and just enjoying it.

You can imagine my sigh of relief as the topic changed, but it stuck with me. Or maybe the feeling did. I felt embarrassed. Like I somehow needed to qualify my unemployment with a productive thing I was doing. Let the record show the person had no agenda prior to the question and made no remark after. The feelings are all mine.

It led me to wonder why I might be feeling this way. And I pondered it over and over. I’m an enneagram one, so I desperately wished I could go back to that moment and say the right thing- even as I don’t yet know what it is.

So tonight I was listening to a podcast and the guest talked about overwhelm. I’m paraphrasing, but she said something to the effect of when you’ve been hyper vigilant for so long, you have to put some space between yourself and hyper-vigilant stressors to heal.

I spent most of my childhood and young adult life constantly waiting for the thing that was going to put me in fight or flight mode. So it makes sense that now, I am avoiding anything even remotely resembling stress. I am quite literally using my free time to heal. To give my nervous system time to learn new patterns.

So here’s to unqualified free time. Here is permission to slow down and heal. Here is to discovering you.

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Loyalty Tests

I am not sure how we have gotten here- but it seems like loyalty is the mainstream value in the modern world.

Loyalty in and of itself is not a bad thing. The problem I see is the expected loyalty to family units or job requirements or “the way things are” or society at large- all over loyalty to oneself.

See many of us are told by relatives I’ll love you no matter what. But it seems most love is conditional based upon absolute acceptance of the way things are or ought to be.

When push comes to shove, one step out of line can be extremely punished. Any question of doubt about the unit is immediately ostracized.

Not even factoring in actual neglect or abuse, just having the audacity to choose oneself or to begin the process of questioning the ways things are can be extremely difficult.

So why is that one choice met with such resistance? With negativity? With disdain? With figurative pearl-clutching and “how dare you’s?”

I would argue that the value of loyalty is so ingrained that most of us don’t even know we are prioritizing it as a value. Honestly, most people don’t even know what their values are anymore.

No wonder they are resistant to change. Change is scary when you’re clinging to the ideals of a static fixed life.

I know several people that are going through the process of removing toxic people from their life. In doing so, they have lost others along the way and I have seen them judged harshly and critically. Rarely have I seen anyone take the time to learn the story. Or ask Or “How can I support you during this hard time?”

Let’s stop putting loyalty to others on a pedestal. Let us honor the courage to be different and ask questions. Let’s follow others on the journey and be willing to trust their instincts. Maybe in doing so, we can learn to trust our own.

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Nothing Days

I did nothing today, and it was amazing.

It was not what I planned. In fact I kept trying to get the day started but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

So I read most of the 4th Bridgerton novel, played a new Phase 10 app I discovered, and watched The New Girl on Netflix. And it’s all okay.

Sometimes you just need a nothing day. Rest is important.

I have plenty to do tomorrow that will still be there. Today- I’m just being.

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Limits

You’re only as small as you make yourself. Your limits are only as big as you make them.

I am trying really hard to learn this right now. I tend to be practical and down-to-earth and realistic and always have a back-up plan. There is nothing wrong with this. However, I am learning I have held myself back.

I am in a transition phase right now. I am unemployed by choice for a month to rest and I can feel everyone’s panic about it. I will be working part-time this summer and will have time to work on some creative projects and to find myself again.

Myself, like many of yourselves, got lost in the pandemic and in the loss of my brother, and in years of working overtime and ignoring my instincts.

Tumblr lets people pay you for your writing. When I first saw that I thought I don’t deserve it. I thought no one would want to pay me to write. I don’t have enough posts. I don’t write enough. I don’t have an audience. These are all the voices in my head.

Then I decided. I can be that girl. I just have to figure out what I want and how I want to do it. I love writing and I write all the time anyway. Why NOT be someone that gets paid to do it? I have to start somewhere. Why not let myself get paid to do what I love? No, it’s not traditional work, but who says it has to be?

People will not believe in me if I don’t believe in myself. So here and now I am going to start believing in myself. I am making a plan to do what I want to do. No limits. No listening to other people’s excuses.

How are you limiting yourself?

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Long Term Grief

Grief is a funny thing. It affects both short and long-term aspects of your life.

I am nearly two years out from a traumatic family death and I can only watch comedic content. I have tried multiple times to watch drama or history and it just feels like too much.

At the same time, I have watched my comedic shows too many times and I do not want to watch them anymore.

So I’m left with hours spent on YouTube watching clips of shows I’ve already seen- or better yet, compilation videos put to music.

What does this have to do with grief? I have enough sadness that I cannot process anything hard. I need to keep things light. I do not know how long it will last, but I’m going to keep honoring my instincts.

And I re-watch The Good Place for approximately the 20th time.

How has grief impacted your life long-term?

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Abundance vs Scarcity Mindset

Lately my focus has been on noticing moments when the scarcity mindset comes up for me. It is not always obvious.

I try to focus more on abundance and believe the universe will provide what I need. However, in times of stress the instinct is to fight for my piece of the pie.

I have taken the month of May off to rest between jobs. Before making this decision, I had multiple opportunities provided to me to jump from one job right into the next one. Even while knowing on an instinctual level I needed a break, as I got closer to May I found myself second-guessing my decision and wondering how sane I was to stop working. Not working means no income. No insurance. No contributions to my retirement. That feels scary.

Every time I told someone about my plans to take a break- I could actually feel their anxiety and their intake of breath. There would be a palpable change in the air, a white knuckled moment of panic followed by the inevitable question- “What’s next?” Their anxiety only increased when I said nothing.

Several times I let that get to me before realizing I was borrowing that anxiety unnecessarily. It made me anxious and again question my choices until I could pause and ask myself what I really wanted. Deep down, I knew the answer. I needed a break. I still need a break. I have been pushing to finish my last job against my body’s limits knowing there was an end in sight.

A few weeks into my break I can still feel the anxiety pulsing around the edges as I purchase groceries or drive far from home (hello increase in gas prices-again). The difference is I no longer let that anxiety drive my decisions. I know I have enough money in the bank.

Instead of letting the worry of others drive me, I remember the times in the past the universe has provided for me and I choose to remind myself daily: the universe will provide. The universe is on my side. I am not alone. Spirit is guiding me and my intuition is for me.

I knew I wanted to take a short beach trip during this rest month, and I let myself procrastinate because I was afraid to spend the money. Again- I know I have the funds - I saved for this trip! Within an hour of booking the trip, a friend messaged me with a small income opportunity that will cover gas and food for my trip.

The universe provides. This is my concrete proof for today. You just have to trust in its abundance. Don’t wait for the provision to leap, but trust in its ability to provide and act from that place. Act from abundance, and the provision will follow.

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Boundaries, Pt 1

Boundaries are really hard.

Every time I think I have mastered the concept – I turn another corner and need to set another one.  It turns out – I just have theoretical appreciation for boundaries as taught in books and podcasts.  Actually practicing the setting and follow-through of boundaries, though?  I need some work.

So, let’s talk about boundaries.  

What is a boundary?  Oxford defines it as “a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line; a limit of a subject or sphere of activity.”

That is both vague and very specific.  It turns out a boundary can be a fence, a wall, or just a limit.  

Due to past trauma, I have set some hard limits on what I feel is appropriate and not appropriate for my life now.  One might call those boundaries walls.  They cannot be opened or moved or changed with ease.  These are necessary.  

The trouble is I have recently come to realize those walls are only in my head.  I have not spoken them out loud.  So, the walls, as it turns out, are invisible.  I expect people to see them and respect them.  I get confused when people run through them.  Then I get mad.  “How dare people disrespect me like that!”  

Only upon reflection have I realized I have allowed them to run through them, because they do not know the walls are there.  I cannot read anyone else’s mind, so why should I expect someone to read mine?  

It turns out – I need to have an actual conversation with people and tell them what my boundaries are.  That is so hard.  Because I have been trained to make people happy.  I am a well-versed peace-keeper- for everyone but me.  To make the wall visible, I must tell people about my boundaries.  And that is scary.  

I can think of one situation that I have been avoiding.  In my mind, the wall is clearly 10 feet tall.  But my close relative is standing right next to it looking in the window.  And she sees no wall. It is time for me to paint it.  It is time for me to set a boundary.  

It is my hope that sharing this journey will make you think about your boundaries.  The ones you think you might have set, but need to be spoken.  Maybe we can do it together?    

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Advent 2021

Advent has come to be my favorite season.  Most of us understand Advent to be represented by calendars counting us down to Christmas.  Advent is the beginning of the liturgical Christian calendar, where we mark the period of waiting for Jesus’ arrival.  It begins four Sundays before Christmas (not always the same date) and during Advent we reflect on what it means to wait.  It means an arrival, and in the greater Church we anticipate the birth of Christ and the miracle that will bring, while also reflecting on the darkness before his arrival.  It happens during the part of the year where the days are already short and keep getting shorter, so it is celebrated with candles representing different themes to each liturgical tradition.  Growing up my church celebrated Advent by having the 3rd and 4th grade Sunday School class participate in the church service.  I eagerly volunteered my family because I loved lighting the purple and pink candles and the ceremony in all represented.  As a young kid, I do not think I understood the significance of it all, nor did I realize just how important this season would come to be in my life.  The world has been in a season of Advent for nearly two years, waiting for this pandemic to resolve and to see what will be next.  Personally, I have been in my own Advent season on and off for the last several years.  The grief over losing my brother has unlocked grief I have long repressed.  I have been starting to explore the darkness of my own past lately, allowing the things that once haunted me to be brought into the light.  It has been hard and exhausting, but ultimately freeing and necessary.  My personal journey exploring the darkness is only just getting started. This Advent season, I look forward to slowing down and listening.  I am looking forward to experiencing the darkness, knowing light is just around the corner.  

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"Instead of having a goal have a direction in which you want to travel."

-The Minimalists

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The One-Minute Rule

Overwhelm.

We’ve all been there.

Your to-do list feels a mile long.  

And there are socks on the floor and dishes in the sink.  Oh, and that lightbulb needs to be changed, too.  

It can be daunting.  

Where does one even begin?

When you feel like your to-do list is already long, one sock on the floor turns stress right into overwhelm, doesn’t it?  

It makes a mountain out of a mole hill as the expression goes.  

I can get overwhelmed just thinking about my to-do list – and I often do.  That overwhelm turns to stress and frustration at anyone who crosses my path.  

Worse yet, it disrupts my sleep.  I stay awake adding items to my to-do list.  

So, how does one beat the cycle?  

I do not have a magic cure for the thing that will completely eliminate your to-do lists.

HOWEVER.  I suggest: The One-Minute Rule.    

I do not know what podcast I heard it on first, so I cannot give proper credit.  

What is the one-minute rule?

It is as basic as it sounds.

Do the things that only take one minute or less.

Walk around your house and look for the quick one-minute things. Put away someone’s shoes.  Put the socks in the laundry hamper.  Put the coffee cup in the sink.  Put the mail in a folder.  Look for the simple, little things that only take a minute to complete. These are the things that often put us over the edge anyway.  They are the clutter in the way of the things we should really be getting done.  

This has multiple benefits.

First – it is a quick way to declutter and deal with the small things.  

Second, it gives you a feeling of completion.  This in turn tells your brain you are making progress.  It feels good to get something done.  Suddenly, you have momentum and can do more things.  

Truth be told – it gets the little things out of the way.  You know the ones that tend to cover up what you really need to be doing anyway.  

You can do it when you first get home from work to make your night easier.  

Perhaps you do it before you go to bed to make the next day easier.  

You could even start your day with these small things to give yourself a positive start.    

Whichever you choose, I just recommend trying it.  Start somewhere.  That is the point after all.  You may be surprised how quickly the feeling of overwhelm can be reduced to average Tuesday stress or even better – regular Wednesday tasks.  

Pick one thing – and just do it.  As Nike says. You’ll feel better for it.  

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Decisions... Decisions..

You will know what to do when the time is right.  Right?

NO.  Not always.  Sometimes you anguish over every possible decision and feel like you lose a little either way.  Where is the good in that?  

Making decisions is hard.

People often come at you with all the platitudes to try to help too, but at the end of the day, they are just that.  Empty words do not help you solve problems.  

Maybe you are struggling with a decision right now.  I have been there.  We all have. I think it is part of being human.

Up until an hour ago I could not even decide what to post about this week.  Ironic!  Then I wrestled with a title for this post.  Decision fatigue is real.  So, what do you do?  

Let it go.  

I am so good at thinking myself into a crisis and spinning details and creating every possible what-if scenario, that I ultimately spin myself into a whirlpool of anxiety.  Then I want to eat a bag of Reese’s cups.  Then I want to ignore my problem and put it in a box.  

Has that ever worked for you? I just have a lot of compartmentalized-problem boxes.  My emotional apartment is full of boxes I am afraid to open.  Maybe I should just get a U-Haul?

In all seriousness, there is not one answer to problems.  Sometimes, you just have to work through it.  You have to untangle the knots of the problem one knot at a time. Take it one step at a time.  What can you do right now?  

First – set aside worries. Almost all of the worries you prepare for do not actually come to fruition.  So, set them down.  It is hard. I see you white knuckling them as if you have control of the outcome.  I do it, too.  Dear love- SET THEM DOWN.  

Then, take a breath, and just listen.  It happens in the smallest of ways.  You may have to listen for a couple hours or for a few days.  Sometimes it takes weeks or even months, depending on the scope of the problem.  

With a little practice you recognize his direction.  For me the next step is suddenly just there.  It feels like “how did I not think of this sooner?”  It is hard to describe.  I just know.  I feel like I can exhale.  Do not get me wrong, the next step is not always easy.  It is just very clear.  It is a knowing in my gut.  

So, maybe those platitudes are not totally wrong.  You have to be willing to cast aside what you want or what you think is right.  You have to open your mind to what could be. You will know what to do, but you also have to participate in the process.  Co-create the next step.  You will know that when it is right.  

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2021 Word

Crystalize.

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New Year - Same Me

New Year! New Me!  

You are probably still seeing that everywhere you look right now.  Social media posts are full of declarations and desires for the changes we all look to make in the new year.  It is as if one day on the calendar will magically transform us all into goal-squashing, super-fit, and ultimately better versions of ourselves.

New Year’s Resolutions are a common tradition.  We set our sights high on huge prizes like losing a bunch of weight or paying off thousands of dollars.  

The truth is – most resolutions fail before mid-month.  The New York Post suggests most people make it 12 days with their new resolution before giving up.  Trends would also suggest that we not only quit our resolutions, but we swing hard in the opposite direction.  

If I can’t lose weight I might as well get this caramel macchiato.  If I cannot pay off all my debt I might as well buy myself a new phone. Sound familiar?  

Does this sound like you? You are not alone.  

It is January 9th of this new year, and I am the same me.  New year – same me.  

Am I doing something wrong? No!  Neither are you.

While there is nothing wrong with having New Year’s Resolutions or goals or whatever you want to call it, I just want to be clear up front.  Flipping the calendar does not change us.  Changes happen incrementally over time with dedication and focus. Habits take at least 21 days of consistency to build.  One day at a time.  

Do you get frustrated when your resolutions fail?  Do you feel upset with yourself because you cannot seem to stay committed to big changes?

Welcome to the club. It is called being human.

I gave up New Year’s resolutions several years ago and have not looked back.  My new year’s resolution was to stop having them. Instead – I like to set myself up for success by focusing on small, incremental changes I can make.  

So, instead of resolutions, I began to choose themes for each year.  Some may call it a word of the year.  This word or words serve as a guide for any decisions I have to make that year, or for any plans I have to make.  For example, last year one of my words was Simple.  (Yes, I had more than one, but we’ll talk about that later). Whenever I felt overwhelmed by a decision or confused about what to do, I thought about my word.  How could I simplify each choice?  What was I doing to overcomplicate things?  (I am really good at that)!  Where was I making things harder than they needed to be? Simple.  

By filtering processes and decisions through that one word, I was able to give myself direction.  It was never about doing a big, grand thing. I did not need to alter my life dramatically.  Filtering choices through that word was something I could do all year.  

So, am I a new person? No.  I am still me.  I am just a me moving towards a new horizon.  I would suggest every day is an opportunity for growth.  None of us wake up the same as we were the day before.  So, in a small way, we are a new person every day. Every day can be an opportunity for you to be the you that you want to be.  Each day will then give you a new chance to create successes and learn from failures.  

It is okay if you are not a new you this year.  

Maybe instead of having these big grand plans every new year, which set us up for failure because we try too big, let’s focus on daily changes we can make.  

I am still me.  I have dreams, plans, and aspirations.  But I am not setting my life by the calendar.  I can be a new me every day.  Or I can be the same me as yesterday - trying yet again to live in the moment.  Because, one day at a time is all any of really get.  Why waste it?  

New year – same me.  

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The Inner Critic

I am an enneagram type one – which means I have a lovely inner critic constantly reminding me what I could do better.  Some of you may know that voice as Type A, or maybe you’re the first-born child. Either way, the inner critic is a voice familiar to a lot of us.  

My inner critic was kind enough to remind me I have started numerous projects over the years and rarely finished any of them.  I launched a photography business (more than once).  I have boxes of documents I was going to scan and store electronically.  I started to spring and fall clean but didn’t finish either.  Is there a word for cleaning in July?  I started to re-teach myself how to sew, and then put the sewing machine back in the closet.  I have started to re-learn both Spanish and Japanese numerous times. I asked my friend to teach me American Sign Language and gave up after two lessons.  You get the idea.  

This inner voice is not kind when it reminds me I am a failure for not finishing these things.  “My life could be so much better if I would follow through on something” – it says.  “I could be getting out of debt faster if I would just work harder or longer.”  

Then it hit me.  I committed to getting out of debt about 3 years ago. While I still have debts to pay, I have made huge progress and it is a task I am still working hard on, without giving up.  In fact, paying off debt has been the single, largest factor in most of my decisions in the last few years.  I changed many habits in pursuit of getting out of debt as quickly as humanly possible.   I have missed a family wedding, skipped vacations, switched to generic groceries and aggressively couponed.  I even collect refundable cans to help get me earn a few extra bucks.  All of these decisions have something to do with paying down debt as quickly as possible.

Before I started making debt payments, I set the goal of raising a $2000 emergency fund, which I not only completed, but it is earning interest and currently sits at $2250.  Subsequently, in 2 years I have gone from $5300 debt across 2 cards to $740 on 1 card, while reducing my student loans by $600.

So, no, I did not finish organizing my closet.  No, I have not traded in my old laptop.  Those documents are still in boxes, and I have not finished spring cleaning.  My Christmas lights are still on my porch, in true redneck fashion.  

HOWEVER- I have made huge strides in getting out of debt.  For this I must remember to be grateful.  I must remember to celebrate the small milestones along with the big ones. I must remember that my ego voice, especially the inner critic, does not always get the final say.  As Elizabeth Gilbert would say, the critic is no longer a driver and does not even get control of the radio.  My inner critic can just be a passenger and enjoy the ride.

I have learned to forgive the inner critic, for well, being critical, and in doing so, forgiven myself for making mistakes or doing things slowly.  I have even allowed myself to have rest days and the occasional tub of ice cream.  I have certainly earned it.  

So, my friends, take a listen inside.  Hear your inner critic, but lovingly tell him to hop in the back seat.  God has a plan for your life, and it is far bigger than anything your inner critic could ever imagine.  

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Thankful for Pain: Thanksgiving ‘18

Today, I am thankful our God is a redeemer.  I am thankful for brokenness that has been redeemed through God’s mercy.  

The bible is a story of ultimate human redemption through Jesus, but within it are many smaller redemption stories.  

Hagar is a servant of Sarah who gets chosen to produce an heir for Abraham.  Later Sarah produces her own son and sends Hager away.  God instructs Hagar to return, after promising she will be the mother of great nations.  Ruth becomes a widow shortly after marriage and travels to a distant land hoping to find security.  Her benefactor in marriage ultimately places her in Jesus’ ancestry.  

My own story of redemption has finally come to fruition after years of hardship.  In the last several years everything about my life has turned upside down and inside out.  Three years ago I made the decision to leave a job that looked great on paper, but was toxic in reality.  In choosing to leave I also chose less money, believing my own happiness would be worth the downgrade.  My next job turned out to be equally as toxic, if not more so.  Due to my decreased income I found myself stuck.  I convinced myself that the devil you know is better than the mystery of what could be.  Believing I had no other option I stayed there too long.  

Finally it got to be too much and I changed jobs again, with another decrease in income.  I did whatever I could to make extra income in addition to my job for nearly two years, all while struggling in yet another toxic working environment.  I began to think I was the common denominator and that something was wrong with me.  

It turns out losing two dreams in as many years is hard, and caused me to lose hope, joy, and trust in God. I was so exhausted that I could not see more than the day I was living, and each day was miserable.  I hated my jobs and struggled to get through each day. The small piece that got me through my darkest moments was the belief that eventually my luck would change.  I believed something had to happen to break the pattern, and believed I deserved better than the crappy hand I had been dealt.

The fateful day of change caught me by surprise in April when I ran into a former colleague, who would later offer me a job interview.  Three months of hopeful waiting between the interview and first day of work were torture, but I finally felt something shifting.  I knew my time had come and I just had to be patient.  

While all of this was happening, my family was going through personal turmoil as well.  As a family unit we had been dealing with the realities of drug and alcohol addiction for more than a year when I quit my job.  I felt like I didn’t belong to my family anymore. My role as the fixer and leader shattered.  I did not know who I was.  

For years prior, it felt like an implosion had been building, which I can only recognize in hindsight.  I remember the day the rug was pulled out from under me.  After celebrating Mother’s Day, I found out that my sister was going to rehab.  My baby sister, the most unbreakable of all my siblings, was facing her own demons and I could do nothing to fix her.   I was the one that always fixed everything, but I could not fix this.  

I would never wish addiction on anyone, but our family has been through it together.   We have come out the other side closer and stronger than ever.  God redeemed my broken family and put us back together again.  He made a family out of something that was never truly whole.  

That was the day my whole life changed.  Today, I have multiple siblings in recovery, and I have learned how to be their sister instead of their mother.  I just get to be part of the family, and praise Jesus, it is not my job to fix anyone.    

What is my job now? Happily, my new job is in the drug and alcohol field working in recovery.  My job is to work with families today and help put them back together. I would never have imagined that this would be my life now.  My job challenges me every day to face my beliefs about people, their choices, their beliefs, their struggles, and most importantly, the things none of us have control over.  Today, I wake up every day and I look forward to my job.  I know it might be hard, but I know I am doing a good thing.  I get to help people!  I feel like I am making a difference and have something valuable to bring to the table.

How great is our God that he could redeem years of struggle and misery into not just a message, but hope for others.  So, on this freezing cold Thanksgiving Day, I am grateful for three hard and painful years. I trust in God’s ability to make every moment worthwhile, and I trust that no matter what happens I will be okay. God redeems me.  I know he did not bring on my suffering, but that he was with me through it all.  Even when I felt like I could not go on another day, he was there.  My suffering has been redeemed, and for that I thank God.  My redeemer lives!

Psalm 107:2

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom he has redeemed from trouble.

Happy Thanksgiving!