Who Am I?

30 yrs old. Michigan.

[jdub795]

March 28, 2026 @ 12:26

I feel like I'm a decent co-worker, and I feel like I communicate as well as possible, but yesterday's interaction was off-putting.

Is it my fault my co-worker was three hours late for work, and thus missed the meeting time the users scheduled with him? No. Yet, it's my fault he assumed a situation was handled by the end of his day, despite there being no indication of such things.

I don't know what happened between he and I, where we're not seeing eye-to-eye, and why I have this perspective of him now. But, this isn't the first time he's done something like this, where he does one thing and means another.

How was I to know that I was still to work on an issue after receiving an email that mentioned a meeting time between the co-worker and the users? All that was said in the email was "FYI", and the previous email below it was from one of the users saying 9a the following morning would work for her. I don't see how I was to interpret that I was to still work on it if the user was willing to delay it until the following morning, so long as they could make changes in the system.

It feels like it was just him projecting his frustrations with himself onto me, because the users emailed about him not showing up to the meeting, and asked me if I had a chance to look into the issue. I wasn't aware that he still mentioned me to the users as someone who was working on the issue, despite the users having scheduled a meeting with him for the following morning. It wasn't communicated to me that I was still expected to work on the issue before the 9a meeting could happen.

It seemed fairly straightforward, or so I thought, that the FYI email was to let me know they were going to troubleshoot things the following morning. But no, that was apparently to inform me about the situation, despite the users being fine with waiting until the following morning. How was I not the one actively communicating, when everything was happening out of my view after receiving an informational email with no other context outside of "FYI"?

I know that he has a problem with communicating at times, and I try not to over-communicate, yet somehow I'm the problem because he assumed things were handled when he clocked out before I had, while the users were still expecting to meet with him the following morning. Why hadn't he followed up with me before he clocked out? Why is it that I'm the problem, despite me still jumping in when the users reached out that following morning due to him not showing up to the meeting they scheduled with him? I still stepped in when I was aware that I was needed, yet I'm in the wrong for misunderstanding why an email was forwarded to me?

This soured things more than I thought it would, because I thought we worked well together, but I guess I was wrong. It just sounds like I'll over-communicate from here on out. Because we won't be able to see eye-to-eye, or rather it doesn't seem like we will.

It was the fact that an email containing a meeting time was passed along, and him being upset I wasn't able to communicate that I "couldn't perform a task" due to him ending his day "assuming it was handled" since he's "not my boss" and "reliant on active communication on my side". Yet, he didn't communicate with the users that he wasn't going to attend the meeting the following morning for the issue he was initially handling and tried to pass off to me while not informing me that I was still needed...

I understand I didn't "maintain ownership" of the situation after the email was passed along my way, but he also didn't follow-up with me to ensure things were handled, nor told the users and myself that he wasn't going to attend the meeting. I understand him not showing up to the meeting looks bad, but I also wasn't the one who told him not to show up, nor was I the one who told him to "not accept the meeting". I understand now that the FYI email was "to make my job easier" while looking into the issue, but why wasn't that communicated better when there was clearly something about a meeting for the following morning being suggested by the user in that same forwarded email?

It also felt like a power move, and not a collaborative critique, because of how I had to explain myself since he couldn't comprehend where there would've been miscommunication and why there was "inaction" on my part, despite me offering my time when I thought it was needed and going back to my own work when I thought I was no longer needed. I don't understand why it was my fault, my problem, when there was clearly a meeting that was scheduled by the user for later with the co-worker who was initially involved.

It's just taking me awhile to get over it, since it threw me off and I didn't understand what felt like hostility, nor why it was aimed my way. But I think I do now. And I already took ownership of what I "failed" to do in the situation, despite what I actually feel. Because, at the end of the day, things could've been handled better, and things could've been communicated better, and yet the issue was still resolved regardless.

This isn't a setback, just a hiccup.

[doechiisource]

DOECHII performing at Lollapalooza Brasil (2026)

[jdub795]

March 23, 2026 @ 18:45

I'm the problem. Or at least feel like it. I feel broken, because of what was said, how it was said. I'm agitated by what was implied. I feel alone.

I thought we could talk about some kind of structure within the space, but apparently this calls for a therapist. Certain things we can't talk about, a forbidden topic, or feels like it at least.

I think a week away may do us both good. You don't need to talk to me about anything anyway; when do you ever?

I don't think it's best for us to chat like normal; that was initiated by an individual that's no longer allowed to exist. The person that wanted to be friends was too looped into those feelings, so she had to...go somewhere else.

The person in her place? She doesn't know you, just of you. Knows bits about you, but doesn't actually see you for you. Just who they think you are.

It was nice while it lasted, but now the good times have come to an end, and we must start anew. Because the open person that was present was only there due to the circumstances. And those circumstances have long changed. So she needs to change too. She has to change. And that means quietly walking away from one segment of this realm.

She'll still show up for the routine stuff, but that's it. She'll only be present when she's physically present. Otherwise, best not to chat with her, unless it's necessary for some reason.

She doesn't want to chat right now, and I don't know when she'll ever want to chat. She was hurt by the message, because it felt like it was misconstruing things a bit, but it didn't matter in the end.

They aren't my people. They aren't like me. They're just akin to nice parts of me. But I'm some degrees away from them. And I don't know why I keep ignoring that. They won't understand nor communicate with me the same way my wife does. They might remind me of her, but they'll never be her. They weren't ever a replacement to begin with.

I just wish they hadn't ever had those NPCs flirt with my characters more than once. If it had been once, it would've just been written off as some bit. But not a running bit. Not without some type of conversation about it ahead of time. But I don't remember flirting being on the table, especially between friends. And I'm agitated that the explanation was due to the action just being something randomly selected for them. It felt like an excuse. Everything just sounds like an excuse now.

Do I feel like we're meant to continue this friendship? No, because the element that started the progression is corrosive, and I'm corrosive along with it. I understand it looks simple from the outside, but I'm in a maze, and I just wanted some kind of lifeline. But he proved me right in saying that he's not the right person; I was just hoping I was wrong.

I was also hoping I was wrong in thinking that I was the problem. But I just keep making the same mistakes, trying to work it out with the wrong people. So, it's best for me to refrain from making friends until I'm under therapeutic care. Because it just keeps happening over and over again. And I'm just tired of it. I'm tired of making friends and catching feelings in the process. I'm tired of me.

[jdub795]

100mg of Consciousness

I feel so silly having this crush while married. I love my wife, I'm just greedy and have plenty of love to spare. My wife is enough, I just want to give my excess love out to those that catch my eye. But this crush that I have, I feel silly for even talking about it earlier.

It's not his fault for me feeling silly, I just feel silly for thinking it was worth bringing up. What was the point in talking about things? Because they were just on my mind? Okay, so what? The feelings are a dead end, so I might as well just turn around and go elsewhere. But where do I go?

I don't know. I want to look for friends, to make more friends, but then I have this issue of catching feelings for friends I find attractive beyond the surface. It's putting me off the idea of making friends.

I just gotta learn how to shut that part of me off. It's no use to me at the moment, and I don't think it would ever be of use to me. Don't know why it feels bittersweet, but that feeling can go right along with it.

[corsairesix]

Character who acts how “horror characters are so stupid, if they made good decisions this wouldn’t happen” people want characters to act, but it’s not a horror movie and it’s abundantly clear that this person is paranoid beyond the point of being able to function

[corsairesix]

Summer camp comedy but a twig snaps in the forest but this guy gets into his car and drives away for the rest of the movie.

[sailor-crusader-deactivated2025]

Yall are making slurs and being racist to a group of people that doesn't even exist yet (robots). Unbelievable how frothing at the mouth you are to have an acceptable target, no wonder there's no much prejudice in this world if you people are like this!

[satellites-halo]

i know the group people are being hypothetically racist to doesn't technically exist (sentient robots), but I'm literally a cyborg (relying on medical devices to do bodily functions for me) and the amount of violent anti-cyborg ableism in these videos is astounding. Shit like "humans and machines were never meant to be mixed", making fun of tts voices often used in screen readers and AAC devices, phrases like "optics aren't eyes" and insisting that robotic versions of human things are inherently inferior and inhuman, these are all real forms of ableism used against real people every day and yet people online are still shouting these out as if we don't live in a world where disabled people sometimes need mechanical bodies. Cyborgs already exist! We're here and we're being affected by this shit!!

[angelicguy]

this was the only way to guarantee your kid grew up indie

[vexheart]

[louisegluckpdf]

they won't tell you this in therapy but sometimes the best way to stop catastrophizing/anxiety is to interrupt your spiraling with "girl what the hell are you talking about"

[pure-light-and-love]

may august be soft on us — like a kiss on the forehead, kind, light, and gentle.

[pure-light-and-love]

To lay my cheek against yours.

Franz Kafka, 1912.

[rideafutch]

lesbian buttons png pt. 1 | pt. 2 ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚.

[stricatul]

[jdub795]

No Dates - Just Titles

I feel like I'm currently in a mental/emotional limbo. My hormones were a bit out of wack this past week and are starting to regulate again, so that could be attributing to the limbo feeling. Yesterday also had some hiccups while attending an event with a group of folks, so that might also be a factor here.

Today, I messaged a friend that I have feelings towards, because I was in my feelings about something I tried and failed to talk about yesterday. Because I have a difficult time expressing myself to people I have feelings towards who aren't my wife.

It doesn't help that I keep worrying about making those same mistakes in the past that I had with the friend group and those other crushes. I'm not trying to punish my friend, I'm just trying to protect them from me. From my self-destructive ways. Because they don't know what they're getting into when becoming my friend. There's more that goes into being my friend, because I've had to become more selective about who I let in.

I used to be so open to making friends, but now I'm hesitant about who to trust. It just takes one time, one person, to shift my way of living. My way of existing. My outlook on so many things has changed because of one really bad friend breakup. One that had my feelings caught up in at the time.

I'm very fortunate to have my wife in my life. I don't know how many times I'll express that, but it's true. I'd been trying to regulate my emotions, but she jumped out of her nap and went into action when she heard a sniffle.

This friendship that I'm trying to pursue with this friend has been confusing on my part, because there are so many feelings and past memories attached/associated to/with it indirectly.

There's also the matter of me questioning another friendship in my life. Because maybe there is some truth in outgrowing people. I don't feel as close to my best friends anymore. I don't trust them as much as I had back in the day. I don't feel the same about them as I had before we all graduated.

I don't have any friendships where I feel like I can be my true self. With the exception of my wife being my best friend. Because she sees all of me, even when I try to hide myself, and she still accepts me for who I am regardless. But everyone else in my life, I question them, because sometimes I still feel left being misunderstood when trying to open up to any of them. Even with my mother.

I joke about it, but losing my wife would be like losing a vital organ. If anything were to happen to her, it would feel like my world came crashing down. She feels like the coal that keeps my train engine going. She's like the propane in my grill. How she keeps me afloat is unmatched.

I just want to have a friend that makes me feel the same way. But that's not easy to find, because life is hard. And I can be a selfish person when I feel spent and unseen. I try to be understanding, try to keep an open mind, but I know that I might still fumble along the way. Especially when I'm running on empty while still 50 miles away from the next gas station. Fumes are practically the next best resource at this point.

Well, this feels like a good spot to stop at honestly. I think working out should be more of my focus again. That and content creating. Shift my focus from making friends to working on myself again, both physically and creatively. The friend stuff will get worked out in the process, but I don't need to focus on it so much.

[jdub795]

Tues - June 24, 2025

I feel like there's a lot to say, but not enough in the process. I want to write, but I've been putting it off. What am I afraid to talk about?

No one I know would be reading this. Most people I know aren't aware of this blog. Very few people know about this blog, and the majority of them wouldn't be reading it.

I didn't re-read the last post I wrote, so I don't remember how long ago it had been since my last confession. I don't remember how much has been shared so far. I might not ever know. At least not at this time.

I understand times are difficult, and I want to be supportive of others, but now I want to be selfish, because so many of the same posts came through. Sorry -- speaking what comes to mind has no filters at time.

I want to have better friendships with people, but I have been selective about which friendships. I've been questioning many friendships in my life, since I don't feel like I have "real friends" -- the only person I confide in is my wife, who I consider as one of my best friends.

I don't trust my family. I've lost touch with most of my friends and don't know how to reconnect better with the ones still around. The wedding put things into a perspective I hadn't expected, and I don't know how to feel about any of the relationships in my life -- platonic and familial.

I've been pretty secure in my romantic relationship with my wife, since we're a vitalized couple. We've been solid from jump. Trying to replicate something like that is difficult; she's a once in a lifetime deal. I want to have a better friendship with this one guy, but I also want to have something kind of flirty/un-serious with him, which is odd for me. It's not something that's capable of happening, just something I'm better defining I guess.

With the wedding no longer something I have to worry about, I feel different. The weight of the worry is lifted off my shoulders. The only worry now is paying off debt and getting a house.

Getting the house sooner was a possibility, but not in a way that sat well with me. I feel bad that I don't want to essentially create a real commune when I'm still defining my independence within myself, and I want to do that without the input/influence of others.

Life is in a weird spot. One that I'm not familiar with, but something I'll eventually get the hang of. I just need to be patient with myself. Which is difficult. I can't force certain things. I can't make certain things happen. Most of the time, we just gotta go with the flow until we can change the channels.

[3liza]

infodumping isnt enough. you have to actually learn and remember and understand what im telling you about or i will just do it again later

[stuck-inasmalltown]

i don’t mean to be political, but what if everyone had basic human rights