Sometimes when I feel despondent and hopeless, it helps to recall my character arc since young adulthood. In order:
1. Absolute survival mode, constant dissociation, self loathing, self betrayal, paralysis.
2. Hyperfunctioning. Any job i can get. Say yes to everything. Do it all. Be it all for everyone else. Collect relationships I don't know how to maintain.
3. Burnout, crash and burn, total breakdown. Re-enter survival mode (with new alcoholism features!).
4. Learning to say no. Hermit mode. Protecting my boundaries. Prioritizing myself. Learning to LOVE saying no. Making peace with being disliked by people who are not aligned with me.
And this current chapter:
5. Finding the balance. Getting back out there. Reconnecting. Learning when to gently interrogate my gut "hell no" with curiosity. Being patient with myself. Acknowledging the coping skills that once kept me safe with gratitude, while feeling out when and how I can safely challenge and test their limits when they are no longer serving me. Doing the scary things, but only in ways that honor my boundaries and encourage the things I am calling in for my future.
At this point me and my shadow are like this 🤞 I am a traumatized mentally ill person and considering all that, I'm actually kinda killing it.
