JEIVA NOTES

|| ARTCLUB || a collection of thoughts, doodles and photographs everything here is original work (unless otherwise stated) LOVE + LIGHT

[jeiva-notes]

2 months.

It’s the 8th and my baby girl is already 2 months old.  Where has the time gone?  Before I know it, she’ll be running around.  She’s a joy, she really is.  When she looks up at me and smiles, my heart aches in the best way possible.  

The love I feel for her is hysterical.  I’m so blessed.

[jeiva-notes]

I’ve been neglecting this blog since Baby Girl was born, mostly because I just needed time to unplug and focus on being a mom and finding out what it means to be a mom AND a creative.  So far, so good.  I’ve had some rough emotional days because it’s winter and I haven’t left the house much.  Plus I had the c section, so up til about two weeks ago, I couldn’t walk for extended periods of time without feeling like shit after.  So I’ve just been taking it easy.

Baby Girl is doing well though.  She’s a month old now and so awesome.  She’s animated and full of light.  Her big eyes are so captivating.  The love I have for her makes me feel a little hysterical, ha.

Everything’s good for the most part.  Just gotta get over the winter blues and keep creating and gathering inspiration and loving my cub.

[jeiva-notes]

My 26th birthday came and went on the 12th of December. Other than my daughter's arrival, my favourite gifts were from my husband: a box set of Leonardo da Vinci's works by @taschenbooks (to add to our collection of Taschen books) and a book of Cecil Beaton photography from 1920-1970. He also got me a leather notebook, which I've been wanting for forever. Time to get back to writing these songs and shittttt. 🎈

[jeiva-notes]

creative mom life; a new normal.

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Birth Story | When Nothing Goes As Planned...

OKAY. It’s officially been two week since I gave birth and my, what a journey it’s been.  I’ll start from the beginning...

Monday the 7th at 3:30pm, I went to the hospital to get induced because I was 41 and a half weeks at that point and they didn’t want me to be too late.  We were all expecting me to get induced and get sent home after an hour of monitoring at the hospital.  However, that didn’t happen because as soon as my mild contractions started, Baby’s heart rate started dropping.  Obviously the doctors didn’t like that, so they got us admitted (8:00ish pm).  They had me on the monitors (contractions and baby) plus the IV drip (saline and oxytocin) to get my labor going.  It took forever to see any progress with effacement and dilation.  It wasn’t until early to mid-Tuesday that I started dilating enough for the doctors to feel good about me having a vaginal birth.  Plus Baby had been doing okay with my contractions - it seemed like it depended on what side of my body I was laying on though.  

When I started to dilate more and more, the pain got intense way to fast for my liking and although I wanted to avoid it, I asked for the epidural.  I literally couldn’t see straight, the pain was so bad.  I threw up, the whole nine.  The doctors had mentioned that my contractions would be worse because they’d be forced, as opposed to natural ones.  So, I got the meds and was able to sleep for about and hour or two.  

After a few hours of waiting and getting checked and seeing that my progression had slowed down, I was getting noticeably tired and frustrated.  The whole process made me feel like a failure in a way because my body wasn’t “working” how it should (in my mind).  On top of that, my epidural stopped working.  At this point, I was 7cm and 80% effaced.  My contractions were horrendous and long and coming back to back to back.  I asked for a top up of the epidural and got it.  But that only lasted for an hour and a half before I started feeling everything again.  The doctors came in to check - I was 9cm and 90% effaced.  We waited another hour, no progress.  Another half an hour, still no progress.  I felt like my insides were being ripped up and turned inside out.

The doctors came in and turned off my oxytocin in order to give Baby and I a rest.  Baby had started stressing out again and I obviously couldn’t handle the contractions.  But they noticed that when they turned off the meds, my contractions slowed back down to being 5 minutes apart and mild.  So essentially, my body wasn’t making any progress at all on it’s own.  I had to stay on the meds in order to give birth.  The doctors explained to me that at this point, I had a 50% chance of giving birth vaginally.  My other option was to have a c section.  Well, as soon as they said the c-word, I started bawling my face off.  This wasn’t part of my birth plan!  None of this shit was part of it!  I was supposed to have a great and graceful natural birth!  Ha, that’s the dream of all pregnant women.  Anyways, the doctors explained the risks of giving birth vaginally - the epidural wasn’t working for me anymore and I’d feel everything, the baby wasn’t taking well to the contractions and would potentially stress out more, resulting in a c section anyways.  They gave my husband and I a few minutes to talk things through.  My husband basically told me that it was my decision and whatever I chose to do, he supported BUT he knew how tired I was and ho much pain I was in and maybe it was time to do the c section.

So after 5 hours of monitoring after getting induced and 16 hours of labour, I had a c section.  I don’t remember the surgery - they had to give me something to make me sleep because the freezing they gave me wasn’t working (lol, my luck).  I missed her birth, unfortunately, but I came to at one point and saw my husband holding her.  I asked him if it was a girl or a boy and he told me we had a baby girl!  She was born on December 8th at 7:57pm.

Even though nothing went as planned, she came out healthy and happy and hungry.  And everything that I went through was worth it.

Now I’m in recovery mode for another 4+ weeks.  Trying to take it easy, which isn’t my thing.  But I need to, so I don’t slow down the process.

Baby is amazing though.   I’m convinced she’s a super hero - she’s so smart and strong.

[jeiva-notes]

I can’t wait until the hubby and I move out of this house and really start our own life with our own little family.  Don’t get me wrong - I’m super grateful for everything that my family has done for us over the past two years, but I can’t handle being here anymore.  There’s too many people in one house.  Too many varying energies.  Too many volatile moments.  It really affects my peace, man.  I feel like I can’t be myself.  I find myself walking on eggshells in my own house.  I’m treated like a child here - a 25 year old child.  Can you imagine being treated like a child....when you’re married and pregnant with your own child?  It’s times like these when I remember why I moved out in the first place.

Nope, can’t live like this.  Thank goodness we have a plan of action to get out.  I can’t wait until the spring.

[jeiva-notes]

the line || dvsn Toronto music, ya’ll.  This song has been on repeat for days.

[jeiva-notes]

Sigh.

No baby yet. Tomorrow I'll be 41 weeks and I have an appointment today to talk about induction. I really don't want it to get to that point because I know the potential risks and side effects of induction, but I'll do it if I have to. It's so funny because I'm sure almost every pregnant woman has this dream of how her pregnancy and delivery are going to go and 98% of the time it doesn't go the way it's planned. But I'm trying to stay positive and keep in mind that as long as Baby is healthy, I'm happy (no matter what I have to go through). Motherhood, ya'll. It's not just about me anymore.

[jeiva-notes]

This baby is teasing me!!!!

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My life.

There's a lot going on in the life of Martika. Between having a baby (who is deciding to love the uterus more than the idea of coming out of it) and running a creative business (ARTCLUB), there's A LOT going on. A lot of newness. Good newness, but newness nonetheless. My 26th birthday is in two and a half weeks, then Christmas, New Years, my husband's birthday...good stuff. A lot of stuff. But I have such a good feeling about 2016. I've promised myself that I'll go hard with the creative. Shoots galore. Music all the time. Artclub everything. At the end of the day, everything is and will be for my child. Everything. I feel blessed.

[openingsegment]

I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl tonight. Right on my bed. Lol

A warm welcome to Nehlaani Yedaya Tamara Mitchell.

[jeiva-notes]

Ahhh congrats, love! So happy for you ❤️

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38 weeks down, 2 to go. (but I'm secretly hoping Baby decides to come as early as tomorrow lol)

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3rd Trimester Woes

Oh my god. Third trimester is actually kicking my ass. Everything is sore. Everything sucks. My body feels like its breaking apart. My hips hurt, my back hurts, my ribs hurt. My lady parts hurt. My ass hurts. On top of that, I've bawled my face off every day this week - for no reason, half the time. WHAT IS LIFE?! I'm full term now so the baby could come at any time and I can't wait. Yes, because I can't wait to meet my love....but also because this pregnancy has reached the unbearable point that every mother complains about. I need an exit strategy, stat.

[jeiva-notes]

5 weeks left.

Today marks the 35th week of my little big journey.  5 weeks to go!  I couldn’t be more excited to meet my cub.  Lately, I’ve been doing nothing but eating, sleeping, walking around, watching shows, playing with my dog, cooking and waiting.  I’m not used to not being busy but, at the same time, it’s nice to just be still.

In saying that, I made my friend a website for her writing portfolio last night and I’m itching to do some more work.  That’s me though - love the busy life.  I guess my life will be a whole different kind of busy within the next 5 weeks.

Either way, things are good.  Nursery is looking good.  We got some lovely things at our baby shower.  We only need to buy a few things ourselves, which is nice.  I’m mentally prepared for what’s coming.  I’m excited.

[jeiva-notes]

The Problem with Giving Someone the Benefit of the Doubt.

Constantly giving someone the benefit of the doubt doesn’t improve any negative situations.  It only gives them more of a reason to keep doing the same shit.  What I have learned, over time and hard lessons learned, is to allow people who do me wrong to take responsibility for it.  I refuse to make excuses for someone else's hurtful behaviour.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them” - Maya Angelou

[jeiva-notes]

I feel so incredibly blessed. 

I had my first of two baby showers today and the love and support that filled the room was insane.  I felt so enveloped by everyone, in the best way.  My baby is already so loved and so wanted by everyone, which makes me even more excited and anxious to meet him/her.

I’m so happy!

[jeiva-notes]

I just skimmed through my most recent posts and I sound like I’m really hating being pregnant....which I’m not.  I don’t hate it.  There’s just some things that are frustrating and I feel like my brain functions better if I write it out.  So I write it all out here.

I love my baby boo SO much.  And I can’t wait to have a new best friend.  This child, my family....they’re my world.  Every tear, smile, mistake, lesson learned, laugh...everything will be worth it when I get to see my baby’s face for the first time.