i invited him on an ice cream date yest & my energy sharply crashed an hr and a half before i was supposed 2 grab him & we ended up staying 2 days 2geth n i wanted 2 die cos i had only prepped for like 2 hrs & my 2 hrs spoons vanished b4 then anyway lol. ive been super symptomatic & the weirder i feel, i realized the more mute & unresponsive i become which ive yet to communicate to him & is very difficult 2 say while staving off a meltdown trying 2 appear functional & failing & he looooooooves pda & is super flirty n i fckn hate pda so ill be like quietly vibrating/screaming in place trying 2 reciprocate convo n then i get triggered & can talk even less n just making distressed sounds n he thinks im being play melodramatic & it’s such a mess lmao like my liking him in doses really has nothing to do with him or how i feel about him just how comfortable i am being uncomfortable around him which is 0% esp when uncomfortable is like this unbearable distressing trauma space w foreign symptoms im used to suppressing entirely & for how intentionally stoic he is ik he wants 2b cared for & i can barely process what he’s saying & unintentionally making him feel undesirable like......... im glad im leaving 4 a while tbh 2 learn how to manage better. anyway ive been having a lot of thoughts tn n as soon as i log on & start typing the most obvious a/o deflective thing i like forget everything else. he’s in such a weird in between half inflammatory half exploratory and ik his roughness is mostly in jest but i realized it puts me on edge when i feel like this n i talked 2 an old friend abt him a bit & her luv life n she was saying she rly loved her last bf but he was super ill & he couldnt rly help himself and she couldnt help them n they were both getting sucked in2 the void so she broke it off cos it wasn’t healthy 4 either of them n that’s what ive been thinking about since we Officially started dating n hearing td he thought it was headed in a more serious direction months ago regardless of him not outright saying it whereas for me it’s been like............ a month lel like our pasts n personalities considered it’s weird how he’s the Falling in love romantic gestures one rn & i am the.... let’s take this slowly one day at a time this is nice but is it sustainable ps i need A Lot of alone time i think this is.... too many kisses n sweet sayings in a row. & i can’t decipher if it’s the overhanging stress cloud mellowing out a/o diminishing my feelings or if they really are bc i haven’t been enjoying anything at all lately just the Vacuum, i feel like if i allow myself to feel anything intensely rn or sincerely that isn’t like select things this huge overwhelming wave of everything starts to creep in leading 2 initially addressed problem & i ddddddddddont wna string him along & i alllllllllllso genuinely interested in seeing how we evolve as a couple & i aaaaaaaaaaaalso don’t want a serious relationship of any sort rn & i forgot what else & i also don’t really want to deal w str8 white cis male nonsense like i can tell he’s reconsidering some of his values and beliefs bc of me & actively actually adjusting some but not w/o like the internal fight abt that comes out in like self protective punch down jokes & i fucking hate it like i don’t want to be a teacher or convincer that maybe u have an inherited enabled myopic viewpoint thats dangerous disgusting and violent regardless of whether or not he’s been sincerely challenging it like he acknowledges his privileges to a Point, moreso than a significant amnt of men ive interacted w & i feel like bc of that the last remaining bit he’s often willfully blind 2 is all the more frustrating. partially anyway there’s a lot of pro & con balancing & a lot of both i feel very very strongly abt & it takes up more time n energy than im willing 2 give it rn bc of my health coming 1st & more than anything it’s kind of my main reasons 4 wanting 2 break up
