*Trigger Warning - Suicide* Saw a discussion on Facebook about whether suicide is selfish & it prompted me to write this ... It is selfish, but it doesn't feel selfish at the time. Depression/mental illness warps your brain to such an extent that you truly believe it's the best thing to do - for everyone. You feel like nobody loves you or wants you around - if you have zero self-esteem & raging self-hatred how can you be expected to believe that anyone else would want you around? You may realise that people love you & want you around but you may feel like you're a burden to them & feel the clichéd 'they'd be better off without me', especially if you feel you've put those people through shit because of your mental illness. Because you're shit company because you're so depressed you can barely get out of bed. Because you isolate yourself or refuse to go out because you're so anxious that the outside world terrifies you. Because the state you're in distresses them. Because they feel obligated to phone you or come over to see if you're ok all the time or they feel they have to tread on eggshells around you. Because they have to make phone calls to the police, ambulance or mental health services. Because they've become your carer instead of being your friend/family member & you know that relationship has changed irreparably. You don't just feel like a burden on your friends/family. You feel like a burden on everyone because you can't work, you're costing the government & the NHS in treating you, you feel like you're wasting the time of doctors/nurses/surgeons/social workers/psychologists/psychiatrists/CPNs/support workers or anyone else who's ever had anything to do with you because of your illness. You even feel guilty for going to college or going to a gym class because you feel like there are a million people more deserving of that space & it's wasted on you. You feel ashamed of the loser you have become & you mourn everything & everyone you have lost. You feel like you've wasted so much time being unwell that any potential you once had has now evaporated & it is far too late to catch-up & have a positive future. You blame yourself for being ill because you should have been stronger, or got help sooner, or not been so secretive, or taken the meds that made you feel like a fucking zombie or gave you soul-crushing insomnia, made you vomit or lactate or left your mouth drier than Gandi's flip flop or gave you heart burn & a taste like ear wax in your mouth all day, every day or ... make you feel even more suicidal than you started. So yeah, when you have that seemingly endless battle - or a variant of that - inside your own head, all day, every day that's why it doesn't FEEL selfish. And sometimes - it's selfish because it's meant to be. It's meant to be a huge 'fuck you' to the world because you're so angry about the way you've been treated, because all you've ever done is be a good, moral fibered person & be kind to other people but somehow you've ended up being treated like this and stuck in this miserable, lonely existence, feeling these terrible feelings and thinking these terrible thoughts. And you know that no one gives a shit about you so you just don't care if you kill yourself & hurt people because no one was selfless enough not to hurt you, so why should you give a shit? There may be people who say "well I've felt suicidal but I'd never kill myself because xyz" or "I felt like that but I got help" and that's commendable, it really is, but it's not the same for everyone. Everyone's illness is different, everyone's home situation, family & social situation, morals, emotions, thinking & even financial situations are different. Judging people & labelling people as selfish for feeling the way they do is precisely the reason why people are so damned ashamed to talk about their feelings. If everyone was a little more open to differences of opinion & a little more supportive, it could encourage someone who is feeling desperate to reach out & potentially prevent their suicide & the wave of destruction it leaves behind.
snowghoul
andulkaphoto
baratheonpilled
jacobvanloon
germansingergirl
