“Aaand here we have another prime example of what’s wrong with the human population of Greendale! Almost makes me wish I had a camera to document the moment.” Ethan had half a mind to just keep walking, but - call it amusement - he stopped in his spot to raise an eyebrow up at Jesse. Arms crossing over his chest in just the way they always did when he was getting ready to pass major judgement. “Tell me, what exactly possesses a guy to play Edward-Forty-Hands on campus? Or did you just crawl back toward the nearest beacon of light you could find?”
★
“ Well when someone offers you free beer, you don't turn it down. That’s like college 101. ” Jesse told him then took a swig of his right hand. He shook the left to see it still mostly full before extending his arm to offer the guy. “ Want some? ”
Landon stopped in his tracks as he heard a voice, quickly spinning in the direction of the noise. He had been out for a late night run. He jogged across the street, pulling his other earbud from his ear. He started laughing & tilted his head to the side, kneeling near the person. “Yeah, I’ll help you. But… You gotta tell me what happened first. Deal?
★
“ Oh thank god ! You’re a kind soul, bless you. Really. ” The words coming out of his mouth slurred as he extended his hands hopelessly before clicking his tongue. “ C’mon, where’s the fun in that? ” he hiccuped, the half empty bottles of beer clearly having the desired effect. “ Why don’t you take a guess? ”
Phoebe tried - and failed - to suppress a laugh when she saw this guy’s predicament. It wasn’t born out of cruelty, but rather amusement at what a classic college trope was unfolding before her eyes. “Yeah, I’ll help you,” she replied, taking one of his arms and examining it, trying to decide the best way to get tape off without also removing his skin. “But in return you have to tell me how this happened and where I can get into something similar. If the college hijinks are already starting, I need to be a part of them.”
★
“ Please be gentle, I have sensitive skin. ” He pleaded already tensing his body as he watched her attempt to find the tail end of the tape. “ Uh... don’t judge me, but it was a Delta Cube initiation thing.” he admitted with some embarrassment. “ I’m not even interested in Greek life, I was just in it for the beer.” Jesse always thought he could handle his liquor but apparently his twenty-six year old body felt decrepit in comparison to the fresh faced pledges. “Though from what I heard Kappa Sphere has a lot more sinister pledge week. I heard the girls were forced to sit naked on a washing machine while the Kappa girls marked the parts of their bodies that jiggled.” he said with laugh though he quickly realized how inappropriate that was and went serious, “ I don’t envy those girls. Probably not the hijinks you’re looking for.”
❝ She hopes I’m cursed forever to sleep on a twin-sized mattress in somebody’s attic or basement my whole life. Never graduating up in size to add another and my nightmares will have nightmares every night. ❞
* BASIC INFO !
NAME : Jesse Scholtz
NICKNAME : Doesn’t really have any, most people think Jesse sounds enough like a nickname but he’ll answer to a loving “ Jess ” if you’re especially close.
AGE : 26
FACECLAIM : Maxence Danet-Fauvel
TROPE : The Dunce
GENDER : Just your run of the mill cis white straight male
PRONOUNS : He/Him, just your run of the mill straight cis white guy
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS : Currently sleeping on a friend’s couch.
JOB : Night time gas station attendant
MAJOR : no major, he’s currently working his way through Greendale’s GED program. Eventually he hopes to enroll as an Audio & Visual major so he can become a roadie.
EXTRACURRICULARS : AV club
YEARBOOK QUOTE : “ C U L8R ! ”
* BIOGRAPHY !
Jesse’ origin story really starts early on. He blames most of his shortcomings on his divorced parents. For a majority of his childhood the two were just at each other’s throats while he he found himself blasting Queen on his portable CD player.
Luckily his parents finally got divorced when he was 6 but the whole process was exhausting. He remembers them still fighting when they would pick him up from whoever had him that night.
During all this, Jesse was falling behind severely in class. He still couldn’t read and just about all his assignment were mostly in crayon. However, these teachers saw this as divorced kid syndrome and passed him out of pity.
Year after year, it seemed like most teachers saw it easier to pass him on to the next grade then having to deal with him so Jesse managed to fly under the radar having virtually done no work whats so ever. That’s the American Public School system for you.
Eventually, Jesse found himself in the 5th grade, unable to read -- let alone write in cursive. That’s when he knew he was fucked. He made it all the way to 10 without learning one of the most basic skills in life and at that point he was just too afraid to ask.
At the age of 13, Jesse stopped showing up to school. He’d skip the day and spend it in an alley smoking pot or skateboarding around the city. No one ever seemed to blink or call out his truancy.
Eventually he even stopped going back home at night and with his parents creating a new life with their new families, Jesse was simply brushed to the side as the first pancake.
Jesse attempted to take his music more seriously every once in a while but he’s never been good at being serious. He’s not someone who works well with others, often he has a million ideas at once that he rather execute himself causing most of his bands to break up before they even start.
He wrote one major song that got him notoriety, an alt-rock song that got popular among teenagers on the internet but Jesse hadn’t been able to duplicate the success and ultimately fell back into obscurity .
When he turned 25, Jesse had a bit of a quarter life crisis. He was working at a dead end job, barely making enough money to support himself and he couldn’t apply for any other job because he couldn’t read the god damn application. He was pathetic.
After swallowing his pride, he finally decided to apply to Greendale and take the GED classes offered there. He’s determined to finish the course this year and ultimately take classes in Audio and Visual engineering so that he can continue to follow the music in any way he can.
* HEAD CANNONS !
Jesse has performed at every venue that will allow him on stage in the south-western Greendale area. From coffee shop open nights to the party room at the local bowling alley.
He is extremely dyslexic and is basically illiterate ( eat your heart out jordan catalano )
Because of this he doesn’t have any social media. Most people assume this is because he’s above it all but really he just can’t keep up with all the words.
His music style is a mix of The Mountain Goats, The Front Bottoms, Mom Jeans & a touch of Third Eye Blind.
* WANTED CONNECTIONS !
I so badly wanted to top this off with wanted connections but I will have to come back and finish this since it’s past my bedtime sheesh
Jesse sat in the dead of night on the curb in quite the pickle. He wasn’t normally one to ask for help but it’s not like he had much of a choice. “ Hey ! Hey you ! ” he called out to the first person he saw passing on the other side of street, just about to leave the quad. “ ‘Mind giving me a hand ? ” He asked as he lifted his arms to reveal a forty ounce bottle of beer taped to each one of his hands.
