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when i was in high school i wrote a fanfic where the characters were in high school and i remember getting this comment like i think you should have written them as college kids bc they act too mature for high school kids and i was mostly confused bc i fully thought i was writing relatable teen characters

tidesofrafayel

Confessions | Zayne x Reader | Fluff

drunk zayne | slightly comedic | married with children

- this is inspired by my sister telling me that her boyfriend got drunk, forgot that they’ve been dating for two years, and asked her on a first date again.

gloxym

Regret didn't come easy to Sylus.

He didn't reflect on his actions when it came to his men. He commanded those beneath him with nonpareil leadership and if they were to disobey, he reminded them why it was never the right choice — including you. He had no time to waste on things that were boring or unnecessary.

It was part of the reason why he didn't address the issue when your attitude began to change after that night. As annoying it was to deal with the sudden shift and sarcastic use of "boss", you didn't hinder him or his work. You redoubled your efforts, your efficiency doubling whilst simultaneously avoiding him as much as you could.

And in your absence, he realized how much it meant to have someone reliable by his side. Someone that would challenge him when he needed to be challenged and steady when everything began to spiral. And, begrudgingly, to call him out when he was forgetting what he was supposed to be in her presence.

You were there when she first came back into his life, the woman that meant everything and more. Even if you didn't know the reason why she was important, you didn't hesitate to follow through in aiding her when he needed you to. You didn't question why he was revealing secrets to a sworn enemy. You didn't question him when he was protecting her by keeping her under his eye on base. You simply provided a dampener to the swell of emotions that were threatening to consume him when he was met with the reality that she didn't remember him.

Anyone else would have second guessed him. Anyone else would have brought up his strange behavior to a lone hunter whose entire workplace had a warrant out for his arrest. You hadn't for the most simplistic reason — you trusted him at a glance. You saw the change in him and understood immediately how much she meant to him.

And how did he repay you?

He swiped the rug from beneath you and then forced you to swallow the bitter truth of the arrangement he had already planned out extensively in his mind. He threatened your life when you spoke out about the issue of his mistake for the first time and left you to lick your wounds alone. And you responded in kind, your gaze lowered and your voice monotone whenever you were forced to engage with him.

It wasn't easy for him to admit to himself that he crossed a line, so the apology you were owed continued to sit between you both as you kept your distance from him. The sharpness in your eyes and the clipped tone in your voice was the new normal for the both of you as the rift chasmed into something neither of you were willing to address, let alone cross. You still aided him when you were needed, but instead of lingering after the battle as you have before, you were quick to make your exit without so much as a glance.

His Hunter kept him occupied, which was part of the reason why he never felt the need to confront the elephant in the room. He never needed to reach for a friend when she was around, his attention focused on her and her alone.

It wasn't until you disappeared one day that he realized how important you were to Onychinus... and to him.

No one knew what happened to you, but his men were in a frenzy trying to find you. There was no hesitation on their part; they didn't even wait for his orders to start the search. He wasn't even there the day you disappeared, spending it with his Hunter before Mephisto was the one pecking at the window with uncharacteristic urgency, informing him that you were missing.

The most concerning part was that your last known location had been near your home. From the evidence recovered from the scene, you had put up a fight, however long you could. Sylus judged by the splatters of blood on the ground, you might have tried taking out a body or two with the knife he gifted you a long time ago. But whoever was ballsy enough to nab you succeeded as your knife, phone and pieces of torn clothing lay scattered on the ground.

It was the first time Sylus felt genuine worry over someone else that wasn't his Hunter. Apologies that never saw the light of day weighed on his mind heavier and heavier the longer you were missing, your knife almost mocking him as it sat on his desk when he recovered it. It sat there as a reminder that he not only let you down, he was the reason why you were captured to begin with. Surveillance from the area revealed how you hadn't noticed you were being followed, your head hung low and your awareness minimal. He had told you to fix your attitude just the day before, telling you that he needed you to take over for the next couple days since he was planning to spend time with his Hunter. Your anger was fierce, the only time you met his eyes after the incident as you opened your mouth to say something, but quickly clamped it shut, utterly done with him as you walked away from him.

Sylus couldn't understand why the change in you irked him, but there was something about the altered dynamic between the both of you that got under his skin in the worst possible way. He had underestimated, again, that this current situation needed a gentler approach. He couldn't just act the way he used to and hope everything fell into place.

And now you were missing, because his callousness forced you to focus on something else instead of your surroundings.

The only silver lining throughout all of this was the trail they were leaving behind. Several decoy storage units were being infiltrated by a certain group, giving him hope that you were still alive and relaying false information to your captors somewhere.

It was enough to find out which rivals took the chance to kidnap you.

It was enough to find the trail leading to one of their hideouts and have Mephisto confirm you were being held hostage inside.

It was enough to get his men ready to launch a full scale attack and return you where you belonged.

As much as bursting through the front doors and killing everyone in sight was tempting, Sylus decided to personally infiltrate the building. He needed to send the message that their bravery, although impressive under any other circumstance, was a foolish attempt that had dire consequences. Sylus needed them to remember he didn't quite mind getting his hands dirty. And most importantly, he needed to make up for what he did to you.

He stood in position, lurking quietly in the walls while Luke and Keiran were hacking the security systems to prevent their escape when your captors decided it was the best time to reach out to him. Luke warned him that Keiran still needed more time, but even more so, it was a video call so he needed to be careful. Ensuring he was secured enough not to give away his position, he answered the video call, expression cold and eyes narrowed with irritation.

"You must be so lucky I'm in a good enough mood to entertain the likes of you." The image was grainy and in poor quality, but he could see one of your captors kneeling by your body, his fingers twitching at the horrid state you were in. One side of your face swelled up enough to block your vision in your eye, your lips busted with a stream of blood seeping from a wound on your head that matted your hair to your skin and dripped down the side of your face.

It took actual effort not for his Evol to flare out of control and ruin the chance to keep the element of surprise. Seeing you like this wasn't just infuriating, but it carved a deep wound into his chest from the guilt he was feeling. He had to keep his expression neutral as they lifted your head up to look at the screen, forcing you to see his face staring back at you. He couldn't see it very well, but there was a sharp flash of recognition that bled into disbelief.

"I plan on keeping our streak alive," one of the leaders spoke up, his arrogance another tick of annoyance added to the mounting anger Sylus was feeling, "provided you give us what we want." Using you for ransom, how befitting for scum like them.

Sylus kept his composure, however his retort died in his throat when he watched the heads in the room sharply turn towards your huddled form, your shoulders trembling. Very faintly, he could pick up the sound of... laughter? It started off quiet until it began to crescendo into something manic and unsettling the louder you became. Unease began to creep up inside him from the way you laughed, like a madman who's lost all hope and found the situation he was in amusing. It was enough of a nuisance that one of the thugs near you had dropped your head, shoving you to the ground along with the chair you were bound to with a harsh kick, your head bouncing off the floor.

"I guess you really are as stupid as you look!" Sylus watched as the other leader slammed his heel on the side of your head, digging into your skull as he stepped on you. Despite that, he could see the vague smile on your face.

"Silence." The man hissed, the anger that Sylus kept at bay beginning to flare as you were beaten right in front of him, the mist collecting around him swarming with energy. "You're forgetting your place, bitch."

"You're one to fuckin' talk, bitch." You spat, your head turning to look at the one on top of you with defiance. "If anyone's forgotten their place, it's you fuckers. You all are about to die real fucking soon, so what difference does it make if I shut up right now?" Your smile never faltered, but something dark burned behind your eyes. "Did you really think he'll let any of you live after this?"

You seemed to have a knack for getting under people's skin nowadays, because the man threatening you stomped his foot on your head again, frustrated and irritated by your lack of fear. You weren't one to be intimidated, even by him, so they held no chance of intimidating you even now. "He won't be able to save you in time." A last ditch effort to regain some control of the situation and prove himself that you weren't the one manipulating his emotions. You laughed mockingly, your grin splitting your face, but the light in your eye was gone.

"You really are fucking stupid." The confidence in your voice felt reassuring. They forfeited their lives the moment they decided to take you, Sylus almost breaking out into his signature smirk as the boys finally gave him the signal that everything was good to go. The trap was set and he was ready to show them what it meant to cross Onychinus... until you looked directly into the eyes of the man threatening you, your expression melting into one of pure, venomous hatred. "Hate to break it to you, but I'm dying with all you wretched fucking scum."

His heart sank at your words, his grip on his phone tightening as the realization really hit him like a truck.

This wasn't a ploy. This wasn't some sort of bravado to make them sweat. This wasn't to get under their skin to distract them and buy them time.

You genuinely didn't believe he would go out of his way to save you.

The moment you saw it was him who answered, you already accepted your fate that he would let you die with all of them.

"Contingency plan?" Sylus glanced towards you curiously, returning his attention back over the contract you were both about to sign. It was your idea to have your new partnership written down on paper, feeling like it would be the safest option for the both of you to have some form of legality, even if no one can truly enforce it. It was impossible to take situations like these to court, but it was all about the formality he mused.

"Yup. In case one of us gets captured or something else happens." He smirked lightly, reading over the different scenarios in place and curiously finding none involving a future situation that would involve his future partner. It was fine, you didn't need to know.

"I see," he skimmed over the details and hummed, "so if I am to be captured by some type of organization, your idea of handling it is by finding my location and blowing it up with explosives?" You shot a grin at his direction, your chin resting on your palm as you tapped the desk.

"Yeah. I figured with your Evol, you'll manage to survive. It'll be hell and I know you'll probably be pissed that you potentially might die unless you overexert yourself, buuuut, I trust you'll make it out fine." You were right to assume as much, but he wasn't giving you the full satisfaction of letting you know just how powerful he truly was. You knew nothing about the aether core residing in his eye, a closely guarded secret that no one will ever find out — even if he found you slightly trustworthy.

"It says here that if you are captured, I should also plan on setting up explosives of some kind and reducing the building to ash." It was quite the bold move, however you didn't have an Evol, let alone one like his that would be able to protect you from such an explosion. You leaned back, your brows knit together and smile strained as you thought long and hard about what was to happen should the situation call for it. You weren't thrilled about the choice that would hypothetically be made but you nodded your head firmly, accepting it.

"I don't have an Evol, unfortunately, but I think it's best I die with any information I have with Onychinus." You breathed out a heavy sigh, your hand coming up to rub the back of your neck nervously. "The best case scenario is that my captors are stupid and won't have an Evolver with the ability to look into my head like you, but worst case is that I get turned into a double agent against my will." It was an unpleasant thought, however it seemed your ambitions were taking you to dangerous heights. It was respectable, enough that he could appreciate the thought you put into it, but something about it left a sour taste in his mouth.

Sylus hadn't been with you long enough to trust you with his more selfish ambitions, but you extended your hand to him with confidence and a faith that made him feel human. You didn't shy away or second guess his motives, choosing instead to trust him even if you had nothing but a feeling. How could he just let you die?

"If you really think that highly of me, why not plan around me saving you?" He watched you hesitate, your eyes flickering with consideration for a moment, your hand dropping as you looked over the papers around you with quiet contemplation. Even if you were the one that proposed the scenario and accepted what had to be done, he could see it as clear as day that you wanted to live.

"It's not like I don't think you're capable of doing so," you sighed softly, rolling the pen in your hands back and forth on the desk, "but I just don't think we've built enough trust between us for you to come to my rescue when the need arises." You lifted your gaze to meet his, your expression melancholic as you pushed the pen towards him. "I think it's best for both of us to go ahead and let me die so no one can use it against Onychinus."

He signed the agreement that day, nothing he said shaking your resolve to keep the possibility of death for the sake of protecting Onychinus. You were staking your life to keep this syndicate alive, trusting that you and him were creating something that no one would think to challenge. On the off chance someone was foolhardy enough to try something, he never planned on honoring it.

No matter what challenges you two faced, he was right by your side, shielding you when you needed support and protecting you when the dangers got to the extreme. You worked in tandem with him, knowing what he needed at a glance and understanding his silence better than anyone. You proved yourself with every passing day that your worth far exceeded his initial evaluation, with your faith in him and his strength a motivation to push farther than either of you had ever anticipated.

You were his second in command. Your place belonged beside him, working with him to keep Onychinus at the top, where it belonged. You were the heart that kept this place beating.

He trusted you.

And he betrayed you.

Now you're accepting your fate you signed a long time ago, the hope of rescue dying the night his pride took over. If you had believed before that he would go against the plan and rescue you, he destroyed what little hope you had.

This whole situation was wrong.

You were wrong.

He was going to save you.

The moment a gun was aimed at your head, his Evol exploded out into a red haze that engulfed the room and shot through the air as he materialized next to you, his fingers gripping the barrel of the gun and snapping the man's arm in the process. There were no words needed, his anger was in full control as the aether core in his eye burned brightly, the sounds of muffled gunfire echoing around the room. His men received the signal, moving in and storming the building while he dealt with the scum in this room.

Bullets fired from all directions, his Evol swirling around him to shield you both as he moved swiftly, his fist connecting into one of the grunts, crushing his ribs from the impact and launching him into the wall with a sickening thud. Sylus wasted no time in dealing with the others in the room, refusing to hold back against these humans as he brutally broke bones in their bodies with every punch and kick. This wasn't the boxing ring where he held himself back when a single punch could end the life of his opponent. These were men who understood that death was imminent the moment they took up their weapons and challenged him, their cries of agony silenced by the Evol he possessed once he was finished with them.

Sylus reveled in the chaos around him, his blood boiling in his veins as his Evol consumed more, feeding the hunger within the core in his eye. Screams echoed around him as men twice his size began to shout obscenities, their broken bodies failing as they feebly attempted to free themselves from the mist that crept along their bodies until nothing remained.

There was no such thing as mercy in Sylus, not when he saw what they did to you. Not when you paid the consequences for his mistakes.

The leaders that held you captive threw their men at him, trying to make their escape when they realized it was futile to negotiate with or overpower him. But Sylus was quicker, blocking the exits with his Evol, the room soaked in haze of red. He stalked towards them, relishing their fears as the mist solidified into tendrils that coiled around their ankles, dragging them back towards him. Every heavy step from his boots built the suspense inside them, the tendrils hoisting them up in the air by their legs as they watched him. They aimed their guns, firing bullets at a barrier that kept him safe until there was nothing left in the clip.

"Taking on Onychinus is bold, I'll give you that. I might have applauded your bravery for openly challenging us." Sylus stood before the men before him, held upside down by his Evol as they gazed upon him in horror. It was almost amusing if not for his anger that consumed him for what they did to you, his expression blank as the glow from his eye reflected off their faces. "But you should have never touched her."

"Go to hell, you monster." Sylus was a monster. He knew that.

Which was why it was so easy to tear their bodies apart with his Evol, letting their anguished cries reverberate around him as their blood decorated the floor until there was nothing but clumps of flesh and bone remained.

His men were taking care of the ones around the base that were still left, unaware that their leaders were gone and they were fighting for no one. The aether core in his eye was satiated with the carnage, no longer glowing as he made his way to your side. Sylus knelt down beside you, your one good eye looking up at him blankly as exhaustion weighed heavily on your bones. He should have... You never were supposed to be in this position.

Now that he had a much better look at you, the damage was far worse than he anticipated. He wasn't looking through grainy footage, seeing in full clarity how your clothes were drenched in sweat and blood, your hair matted and clinging to your scalp as your face bulged out painfully. The ropes binding your limbs to the chair rubbed your skin raw around your ankles and wrists, leaving nasty marks as he cut you loose, your body sagging forward as you let out a low, pained groan.

Sylus was careful in lifting you up, doing his best to avoid further discomforting you as you hissed from the movement, your body tensing from internal injuries he knew nothing about. He adjusted you, his jaw tightening when he saw your expression twist. "Bare with it for a little while longer, I'll get you medical care as soon as I can."

He made his way out of this nightmarish scenario he let you be in, his Evol keeping you safe from potential crossfire as he made his way out of the building while his men continued their extermination. It didn't really matter that their leaders were dead, everyone involved was going to pay the price for all the torment inflicted upon you.

You had been quiet the entire time he was walking, his assumption that you were too exhausted to make a quip or comment about how he was here, razing hell. It was only when you were strapped in the car and he peeled out of there, driving back to base did you finally speak. "Why didn't you let me die?"

Sylus felt his throat tighten, his knuckled bleeding white as his hands curled around the steering wheel, his foot pressing harder onto the pedal as he sped off. "Were you that eager to die?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw you turn your head to look at him with your one good eye. "You signed the contract, Sylus. We agreed you'd kill everyone, including me."

He clenched his jaw, hating how your voice was devoid of all emotion. He hated that you spoke as if he was just supposed to let it happen just because he signed some damn piece of paper all those years ago. As if your life didn't hold value to him. As if...

"You seem to forget your place. I'm the boss, remember?" His words were meant to mean that no one, not even some contract he signed, told him what to do. That saving you was his choice and his alone to make. That he still remembered you wanted to live. You didn't want to die, even if it was for the betterment of Onychinus. Even if you felt that the trust built between you both all these years would grow enough that he'd willingly go out of his way to save you.

"And you told me you were going to remind me, permanently, where I truly belonged."

Twice in one night did you render him unable to speak. All he could do was drive, the silence between sat like a wall that neither of you were willing to cross.

----

It took days for the swelling in your face to go back down; the injuries you sustained were manageable enough that you didn't need to spend months stuck in bed. Two of your fingers were broken, but that would heal with time, the wound on your head stitched up and healing nicely. Your nervous system was also fine, a miracle with how much they electrocuted you based on the reports. What was mostly a blessing was that they didn't sexually assault you or rape you, probably the ultimatum you were giving them if they wanted information out of you.

But you should never have needed to give them one.

If Sylus had been a much better leader, a better boss, you would have never needed to endure days of torture. If he had tempered his pride and forgone his ego, you would have never thought that your life wasn't worth saving.

Vulnerability did not come easy to him and he continued to wait for news that you were finally well enough to visit, messages between him and his Hunter sparse. She was busy with her investigations, spending time with her friends and he was dealing with the aftermath of a rescue mission that should have never happened.

He had time to dwell on his mistakes and view them as failures on his part. You didn't do anything wrong, the fault lied with him.

Three weeks passed and you were finally well enough to move about, albeit slowly. It was enough for him to pay you a visit in the infirmary, his emotions tangled into a desire to make things right and to pretend nothing was wrong. Perhaps seeing you would give him the courage to finally give you the apology you were owed.

As the doors hissed open, he stepped inside to your room, your head turning to look at him. But there was no joy, no playful jab or a tired smile aimed at his direction. Your gaze was sharper than it ever had been before, warning him that every step was a step too close.

The hostility was evident, your hands gripping the bed sheets tightly as he stood at the foot of the bed, his hands resting in his pockets to avoid further angering you.

"Why are you here?" Sylus ignored the tone, his eyes fixated on the stitches decorated on your forehead.

"Is it such a crime to check in on my business partner after she was tortured?" Your jaw tensed, your gaze darkening at the term that used to mean something before.

"Cut the bullshit, Sylus. We had an agreement. You were supposed to follow the plan we both signed, the one that states should I be captured by the enemy, you were supposed to let me die with them." His brows furrowed, his eyes flicking towards yours as the resentment in them carefully sliced a part of his heart.

"I thought I told you I was the boss," his ego was bullying its way through the sentiment, something he tried to tame back into submission, "I don't recall letting a piece of paper dictate what I can and cannot do."

You scoffed loudly, your lips pulling into a thin smile. "Right, right. My mistake, boss. I forgot that you did whatever the hell you wanted whenever you wanted."

His pride was pushing forward far too fast, his eyes narrowing at the sarcastic tone in your voice as he clenched his fists in his pockets. "Careful." He wasn't sure if that aimed towards you or him at this point.

"Or what? You'll kill me? Like you should have when you attempted to play hero and rescue me?"

"You still had use." No, that wasn't what he meant to say. That wasn't how he meant to say it. What came out was too sharp, his temper flaring first as his quick remark slapped you across the face as you were taken aback by his words. You let out a hollow laugh, shaking your head in disbelief as the anger in your eyes burned so bright.

"Use? Really? You made it abundantly clear that the only use I have left for you is in a grave!" Your reaction was justified and he couldn't fault you for it, even if the truth was the polar opposite of what you believed.

Something in you snapped, no longer content having this conversation while you sat on the bed. You haphazardly threw the covers off your body, your legs swinging over to the side of the bed as you pushed yourself up with all the strength you could muster, your hands bracing against the nearby table to stabilize you. "Did she soften your edges so much that you actually see me as someone worth saving? That you felt you could play hero to the likes of those so beneath you!?"

You whipped your head to look at him, the sweat gathering in your brow as you exerted effort to stand on your own two feet, wobbling as you tried to get used to using them again. Watching you hurt something deep inside his chest, Sylus wishing you would just sit back down. "Or was I simply a charity that you were willing to entertain?"

Sylus was losing a game he'd never played before, his composure fraying at the edges from a restraint he never needed before — until now. There was something in your eyes that made his anger splinter to the surface, chilling the room as the tension peaked. Your words struck a chord in him, his eyes narrowed as you continued to maintain your balance.

"Saving you was a choice I decided to make. Are you so eager to make me regret it?" You shook your head, scoffing once again.

"It was a pointless endeavor. There was no reason to waste your time or energy on rescuing me."

Pointless? In all his years, nothing he did was ever pointless. What bothered him was how you thought his actions were something to be critically judged, not to be appreciated for what they were. He saved you, yet here you stood, telling him that there was no reason for it. That he should have let you die back there.

Would you have felt differently if it were the boys that saved you?

Would you have appreciated the rescue if his men who didn't wait for his command had barged in, wanting to get you back?

Why was he the one being scorned for doing something he wouldn't have done for anyone else unless they held a measurable amount of importance to him? Did you not understand that he wouldn't do this for just anyone?

Your expression spoke more for you than your words. Sylus knew the reason why and as bruised as his ego felt, he couldn't quite find it in him to be angry by your statement.

Apologies stuck like needles in his throat, his gaze shifting to the door outside where security guards were posted without his order. They didn't bother to wait for him to give them the go-ahead, their desire to protect you and keep you safe was their own will. The very same that made the men you recruited spring into action and reduced the time needed to find you than if they had waited for his order. "If you hate me so much," Sylus slowly returned his gaze back at you, "then why not take Onychinus from me? Why not usurp me and claim the title of leader?" His expression tightened. "You have people who are willing to lay down their lives for you."

The incredulous look on your face took him by surprise, your eyes wide while you tried to make sense of his words. "You can't be serious?" You breathed out, searching his face for any kind of hint that he may have been joking to get a rise out of you. "Are you out of your mind?" When he didn't respond, you ripped your eyes from him, looking around the room as if they held the answers on the wall.

"How would that even go?" You shook your head in disbelief. "I don't know about you, but I'm sure as fuck not in the business of fighting god-like beings for power and control, Sylus." Your hand rubbed across your face, your gaze lowered onto the ground. "Is that what you think I'd do? That I would go behind your back and try to take Onychinus from you? Even if I was ballsy enough to do it, it's suicide."

Frustration colored your features, your hands gripping the table tightly as your teeth bit down on your lips. "I made a deal with you because you were strong. You were stronger than anyone I've ever met and I knew that you could take me to heights I never thought I'd reach. I don't even know the full scope of your power and I'm not about to find out by turning on you."

"And even if I decided to leave and start over," You turned your head to the door, looking through the glass wall at the men stationed by the door, "taking the people that trust me more than you, I don't think we'd get very far. We've monopolized the entirety of the N109 Zone and shown that anyone foolish enough to try to stand up to us would be met with a crushing defeat. And honestly," you sighed deeply, taking the moment to let it all sink in slowly, "I just don't want to start all over again."

Sylus stood silently as you adjusted yourself, the temptation to reach for you and steady you tickling his fingers as he could see the strength failing you with every passing second. Uncertainty in the way you lifted your head to look at him kept him from moving. "I didn't work so hard for all these years just to start over again. I just wanted to reach a goal I made to myself when I was a kid. When growing up here meant fighting for survival the moment I took my first breath." You dropped your head, your eyes squeezing shut as you tried to get the words out. "Where I didn't have to look through the garbage for edible pieces of food. Where I didn't have to sleep with a broken shard of glass beneath my pillow because I wasn't sure if I'd have to use it to survive."

He saw himself in you. He saw the little boy that fought Wanderers day in and day out for the entertainment of elites. He saw the desire to have all the power in the world so that no one would tell him what he could and could not do. He saw it in you then and he still saw it in you now. You both may have had different experiences, but the sentiment was the same. You grew up in an environment where friend or foe could toe the line, filipantly crossing it however much they pleased. You trusted others, sure, but you were never casual with it. Your experiences shaped you into picking your friends carefully, a vetting system in place that only you could understand.

Ever so rarely did you regret it and he was the fool that crossed it.

Your eyes misted over, your hands balling into fists as your lower lip quivered slightly. "I'm alive because I knew I deserved better. That I had a right to never know what starvation felt like. I had a right never to know the feeling of my stomach twist and ache with such agony that it felt like I was dying." You grit your teeth, shoulders trembling from the emotions spilling out of you as your voice wavered. "I wanted to have enough money that I could do whatever the hell I wanted and answer to no one!" Your breathing was labored, your voice raw the more worked up you were getting.

"I deserved to go anywhere my heart desired, no matter how far I'd have to travel! I deserved to know what it was like to buy clothes that didn't have a hole or a tear in them! I deserved to have something new that belonged to me and me alone!" Your voice hitched, your knuckles whitening as you clawed into the table with restraint. "I deserved to know what it was like to feel the warmth of the sun shining upon my skin. I deserved to know what the waves felt like as they washed across my feet. I deserved to know what it was like to drink the finest champagne money could buy and live in a home with a view only the elites can afford!"

You pushed yourself up, taking a solid step forward as you looked at him, your eyes red from the tears you were not ready to shed, ferocity and ambitions swimming in the depths. "And even if I didn't deserve it, I wanted it more than anyone!"

Sylus bit down on his tongue hard enough to taste blood, his inability to reach for you and steady you turning into poison in his body as you dug the heel of your palms into your eyes to stop yourself from crying. "I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I was determined to try. I was ready to risk it all to know what it was like to have everything in the palm of my hands!" You threw your hands down, looking at him with such rage and sorrow, it made him sick. "Years, Sylus, years! Years of my blood and sweat and tears! Years of risking my life for my ambitions! Years of pain and suffering, believing that it was all going to pay off in the end! Years of making Onychinus to what is now, building it brick by brick until we had an empire that could challenge the world!"

You took another step, and another and another. Each one a challenge as you let your anger spur you forward until you were standing in front of him, the rage inside you scorching outward into a scalding inferno that burned him as he struggled to keep his emotions in check. "This is my pride!" You shoved him, but he didn't move an inch. "We built this together because we wanted it more than anyone!" Another shove, but he still did not move. "I wasn't going to throw it all away because you decided to keep your secrets from me!"

You shoved him one final time, all the strength you had left doing nothing to him in that push as your legs gave out from beneath you. Sylus felt his body move faster than his mind could process as he grabbed hold of you, preventing your fall. In spite of that, you clawed yourself away from him, ripping yourself free with whatever strength you may have had left as your body sagged to the floor. Your chest heaving with every painful gasp of air from your overexertion, frustratingly balling your hands into tight fists to punch the ground beneath you.

He knelt in front of you, only able to watch as the tears you tried so hard to prevent fall into droplets on the floor near your fists, your voice breaking into something smaller — quieter. "You took everything from me. You lied to me and made sure I knew that all of my efforts were for someone else."

Sylus couldn't fathom why saying sorry was the hardest thing right now. Why telling you that you were wrong was something he thought, but could not speak. How he thought highly of you and respected you as someone worthy of being by his side, even if it meant sharing that spot with his Hunter.

But that meant he'd have to address the ugly truth in his actions — the primal fear within him. The very one that refused to trust anyone that wasn't his beloved. Where people saw only a monster beneath his human skin. The very same that chose to exploit and manipulate a child and turn him into a weapon for entertaining those who had nothing better to do than to watch him face against Wanderers in a battle to the death.

He couldn't allow his vulnerabilities to show. He couldn't let you in.

"She has always been important to me." He rasped, voice tinged with something foreign to him as the words spilled out before he had the chance to consider their meaning. "She's the motivation for why I chose this route and worked with you to make Onychinus to what it is today. She's the one I trust the most and I can't put you above her. You have to understand that I will not make you my priority so long as she needs me."

Sylus knew the moment your head shot up to look at him that he mistook your feelings for something else.

"Is that really what you think of me?" The flames of your anger dissipated into quiet embers of betrayal and sorrow, leaving only the hurt in ash.

His voice caught in his throat, his jaw working to try and speak yet nothing came out. He didn't know how to handle your pain as fear kept him from refuting his claims and correcting himself. The longer he stalled, the faster the light in your eyes dulled until nothing remained as you sat there. Tears fell freely as you turned your head away from him, no longer wanting to look at him. "I wasn't trying to be a priority in your life, Sylus."

You swallowed thickly, deciding to shuffle away from him and turn towards the bed. You struggled to get yourself back up on your feet, his hand extending towards you to help you up, but you refused it. You clawed at the thin mattress, pulling yourself up slowly. "After all these years," you grunted out as you rose to your feet once more, "you'd think you'd know me better than that."

Sylus didn't move, choosing instead to remain kneeling down and looking up at you as you tried to catch your breath, ensuring that if you did stumble, he'd catch you. Even if you didn't want him to. Once your breathing labored into something steady, you turned to look at him, disappointment in your eyes.. "I trusted you, Sylus. I fought by your side. I stayed with you once I hit my goals, because you weren't done yet." Your eyes fluttered shut to hide the pain that flashed in them, your lips pursed into a thin line. Oh how he hurt you, his chest aching painfully as he swallowed the lump in his throat. "You had so much more than you needed and wanted. When I looked at you, I saw a leader that was worth following. I saw a man who did not bow to anyone."

The tremor in your voice and the tears in your eyes seared into his memory as you opened them to look at someone who betrayed you. "I wasn't trying to be the one that held your heart in my hands. I wasn't trying to be the one you could strip yourself bare and show the scars beneath. I wasn't trying to be the most important person in your life, Sylus." You let out a shaky sigh, swallowing deeply to stop the cries that threatened to spill from your lips. The more you swallowed, the harder it became, your body trembling as you shook your head, hoping to keep them at bay.

Yet the more you tried to stop yourself, the urge only strengthened until a soft whimper escaped. Your hand covered your mouth, hoping to muffle them, but nothing was stopping you now once you started to cry. Sylus felt his heart clench deeply at the sight as you let out a broken sob, your voice wavering so much, it physically hurt to listen. "I just wanted to be your friend."

He could feel the slight sting in his eyes, the weight of his betrayal crushing him down when he saw how much it truly hurt you. How he had truly hurt you. As much as he wanted to pretend that this issue was superfluous, the reality was far more bleak. He mistook your anger as irritation. He misjudged how his absence at such a critical time was demoralizing and dangerous for you. He took your scornful attitude at face value, ignoring the signs to prevent this from escalating to where it was now. All he had to do was apologize then and perhaps you wouldn't have hurt this much. He could apologize now, but he couldn't utter a sound. He couldn't bring himself to say the words he should have said when they would have mattered the most.

And now you were crying, turning away as you hid your pain from him. "I thought we were friends. I thought that after everything we've been through, all the hardships and close calls, you'd at least see me as someone you can trust." You still tried to stop yourself from crying further, shaking your head to get the words out with more clarity. "I thought that you were starting to trust me more when you took the boys in. I thought you were seeing me as an equal when you asked me to help her with her investigations." He could see your restraint, his hands digging into his knee to give you the respect you deserved to finish. "I thought we were close enough that you could share your true intentions with me. I didn't need to know the whole story and I'm not saying I deserve transparency for simply existing by your side. I-I just... I just thought that after all these years that I mattered enough to you."

With more bravery than he'd ever shown to you, you looked at him with all the vulnerabilities he didn't deserve to see. You looked him in the eyes with such honest pain, he could only wish to give you the same honesty. "I saw you as my friend. And for a while... I thought I was yours."

Pride.

Ego.

Fear.

They were all meaningless shields to prevent him from truly connecting with anyone that wasn't her.

No.

Even that was a lie. Sylus kept himself closed off, because even if she was the most important person in his life, in her current state, she wasn't the same person anymore. He'd been so afraid of being seen as a monster — a creature that was hated and feared — that he didn't know how to be human.

You didn't look at him with fear. You didn't cower away from him or see him as something to detest. You reminded him of the past version of her — his sorceress. The very same sorceress who sauntered into his den and showed him the might of her hunger and desire. The very same woman that showed him how to love like a human and gave him his human name. The very one he shared half his soul with and would love even after death took them both.

Words stuck like thorns in his throat, the apologies cutting his skin from the inside and leaving scars in their wake. Now was the time to finally tell you the truth. Now was his final chance to clear the air and make things right. Yet his mouth refused to speak the words to console you and try to bridge the gap that he created. The honesty in your eyes made him feel small. He, a man with power and wealth that no one could compare to, felt intimidated by the brutal honesty in your eyes. He was a man that people averted their eyes from when he walked into a room. He was a man who sought out dangerous situations for some light amusement. He withstood heavy gunfire and fought Wanderers without breaking a sweat.

But to share his feelings? To choose vulnerability when the opportunity arose? It was frightening, maddeningly so. Being vulnerable meant exposing your weakness to someone and trusting that they wouldn't hurt you. Animals exposed their bellies as a sign of trust — and submission. Neither of which he could do for you.

And you took his silence as your answer.

You didn't cry anymore. You closed your eyes and took a deep, calming breath. The moment you exhaled, Sylus knew it was over. He missed his chance and now you were finally done. There was nothing he could do to stop you, not as you wiped your eyes and watched him with a tired expression. "I'm leaving Onychinus, Sylus."

He was blindsided by the revelation, rising to his feet swiftly at your quiet declaration. "What do you mean?"

You carefully sat on the edge of the bed, taking this moment to rest after expending your energy for something he couldn't give you. You looked around the room, taking the moment to gather your thoughts and giving yourself time to process everything. "What I mean is that Onychinus belongs to you and her, if she wants it."

He swallowed the lump in this throat, your words not registering in his mind. Just earlier you declared so boldly that this was your pride. That all your hard work and dedication was built within the very foundation. You didn't survive battles and endured torture just to leave it all behind after declaring how much this meant to you. You didn't express how hurt you were to him, crying in front of him, just to tell him that you were going. It contradicted everything.

"Why?" Why? Why leave when this matters so much to you? Why were you so calm? Why were you so ready to let someone else reap the fruits of your labor when you cared this deeply about it!

Despite the inner turmoil he suffered, you let out a breathy laugh, shaking your head lightly. As if you saw his struggle and chose to ignore it. "Isn't it obvious?" You lifted your head up to really look at him, to search his face and see only the confusion in his eyes as he tried to make sense of your choice. Did you pity him? Did you find enjoyment in this? Were you getting back at him?

The answer was right in front of him and you spoke it out loud for him to truly hear it. "I don't trust you anymore."

Trust. You don't trust him.

And he couldn't say a damn thing to refute it — to defend himself. You gave him the chance to tell you that you could trust him. You let him hear your pain and showed him the hurt you felt by his silence. He had the time to tell you the truth and he wasted every single opportunity to make amends. What was said in anger was his pride taking over and speaking for him that night. Sylus wanted nothing more than to say he was wrong.

But saying he was wrong didn't change the fact that he had threatened you that night. He had gone out of his way to hurt you — purposely — and tried to make you fearful of daring to speak against him. He wanted to ensure that you would never speak poorly of him and his affairs with his Hunter. A bullheaded mistake that cost him a trusted ally and... a good friend.

Even if he could say something to express his remorse right now, it wouldn't fix what he broke. He didn't tell you about the truth of your arrangement with him and made you bear the bitter consequences of trusting him too deeply. Sylus had to accept that he made a series of mistakes that led to this falling out.

"What are you going to do?" His voice sounded rougher, his gaze lowering off to the side when looking at you became unbearable.

"I already made arrangements." So soon? He couldn't... have more time? More time he didn't deserve.

"What arrangements?" You sighed deeply, clearing your throat slightly as you squeezed your hands together.

"Luke and Keiran are the next best thing in handling parts of my job. I've already laid out what needs to change to the others and you should be getting a nice, fat stack of documents about the new trading and smuggling routes along with the new warehouses that they picked out from the list you and I made a while back. Not to mention all the new security updates." So you were already making plans behind him. You had begun to surgically remove yourself out of Onychinus before all of this transpired. Fuck, his throat tightened at the ironic sense of betrayal he was feeling.

"My credentials and biometrics don't work anymore, so I have zero access to anything at this point." There was no reason to dwell on what if scenarios in his mind, yet Sylus couldn't help but wonder if he had just simply controlled himself better or apologized to you, you'd still choose to stay.

"You still," he started, the rare instance of hesitation blocking his words as he tried to make some type of amends towards you, "have the contract. Part of Onychinus' wealth an-"

"I don't want it." You sharply cut him off, voice firm as you looked up at him with an icy demeanor. "The money I have is mine. I'm simply taking what I know belongs to me. Everything else belongs to you."

He was frustrated, but he had no right to be. You deserved more than what he gave you. You made things easier for him to secure his power here. You knew the right people to talk to, knew how to handle yourself and take on the mantle of leadership when necessary. And when the boys showed up, you didn't hesitate to show them the ropes and give their life purpose.

You slowly rose to your feet, pushing past him as you carefully made your way to the door. "At least let me help you in some way." He called out to you, a final attempt to close even the tiniest margin of the rift he caused between the both of you.

You stalled for a moment, letting him know you understood the meaning of what he was offering. "You have your pride and I have mine." Rejection. You truly were done and had no interest in repairing the relationship anymore.

Sylus could only watch your back as you walked away from him, the doors hissing open as you stood there, using the wall to keep you steady. Just before you went through them, you turned your head, taking one final look at the man who betrayed you.

"Take care of Onychinus for me." Sylus clenched his jaw tight, apologies weighing on his tongue so heavy, he couldn't utter a word. "May we never meet again."

You walked out, the doors closing shut to finalize the end of a friendship he took for granted.

There was no one to blame but himself as he stood alone in the infirmary, the very same he threatened you in. The very same where he couldn't bring himself to admit that you were right to be frustrated that he left to handle the minor situation his Hunter was in. He loved her dearly, truly, but her cryptic message was framed with urgency that he felt the panic grab hold before he could rationally think about informing anyone, let alone you. He left immediately, racing to her location, finding her a little banged up but ultimately fine. He was annoyed when she admitted she simply wanted to end her mission quicker since she had plans later that night, blissfully unaware of the situation he left to race across the N109 Zone and he channeled that annoyance towards you.

You called him out, rightfully so, and he let his pride take over. He let his bruised ego hurt you and his fears prevented him from apologizing to you. Even now.

Sylus wasn't a man who regretted what he did easily, but seeing you leave was the first time he regretted keeping his secrets with him. He could have told you at any point in time and yet he chose silence to keep himself safe.

"She finds me repulsive. I'm sure in her eyes, I'm nothing but a monster." Sylus dealt with being outcasted, but that didn't stop the ache in seeing the woman he loved not remember him, but also be disgusted by him. Inside her, he could hear his soul weep from the agony.

"Hm, I don't mean to kick you when you're down," you started, slowly pushing a glass of wine his way as you took a seat across from him, "but you did kidnap her and are currently holding her hostage here." He let out a deep sigh, grabbing the glass as he shot a dark glare in your direction. You put your hands up mockingly, meeting his eyes with a smile.

"You know the N109 Zone isn't safe. The rats lurking around her are eager to swarm when they catch a whiff of something delectable." He couldn't risk letting her roam freely, not right now at least. Not when there was still a chance to resonate and hopefully help her remember him.

"I'm sure that's true, buu~uut I'm just saying that she is a woman and you are being rather creepy." Sylus felt his eye twitch at the comment. "Especially since she thinks you killed her family in a fiery explosion." He sighed again, deeper and more from the gut as his patience with you was beginning to thin.

"You're not helping."

"Sorry, sorry." You drummed your fingers on his desk, quietly fiddling with the stuff around it as he stewed in his own despair. He knew you were trying to help, but the agony of seeing the woman you love look at you with such fear and resentment was a pain he couldn't begin to process, let alone express. She didn't remember him at all. Not the years they spent together as children, fighting to the death until they decided to escape their wretched fates. Nor their past lives where she made him learn what it meant to love another.

"You know," you said quietly, breaking the spiral he was finding himself sinking into, "I think you're pretty great." Sylus lifted his eyes to look at you, your expression softer and more sincere. "Sure I don't know everything about you, but I dunno. I just think you're someone that can be pretty scary when you want to be but I also think you can be really kind. You're nice to kids, even if they're pretty vicious." You had to have meant the boys when they tried to execute him all those years ago.

"You're intelligent, handy and let's not forget that you have a lovely singing voice." You teased, chuckling to yourself. "You can be the monster everyone thinks you are. Trust me, I've seen what you can do and I've found myself flinching at your brutality at times." You looked up at him, choosing to meet his eyes with a quiet tenderness. "But for some reason, when I saw you that day, on your bike, admiring the view of the city, I just felt like you were more than just your appearance. You looked like someone I can trust."

Sylus considered your words, finding comfort in them despite the inkling of guilt that poked at him from your sincerity. You've always had a knack for seeing more in people than meets the eye, your faith in others proving more valuable than the fear he can instil on those around him.

"Good eye."

You never saw him as a monster. Even when he threatened you that night, you didn't look at him with hatred or disgust. You didn't see him as the evil creature that deserved to be judged simply for existing in this world. Even now, when he betrayed your trust and potentially destroyed a part of you that made you special, you still hadn't once looked at him like he was anything other than a man before you.

You looked at him like a friend who ripped your heart out and stomped on it far daring to believe he cared.

"I'm sorry." Those words would never reach you, spoken in the silence of the very room he let his ego speak for him.

Sylus didn't regret easily, but he regretted losing you as his friend.

a/n: this took a bit for a multitude of reasons, one of which is that my friend who was supposed to beta read for me was lazy and forgetful. Not her fault, I'm the exact same way, so here we are. I did my best and went through it a few times. If it's a bit repetitive, I sincerely apologize.

i just felt that Sylus has a hard time showing vulnerability and sincerity to anyone that isn't MC. I kinda wanted to explore a bit on that part of him, though I am sorry if he's a bit out of character. And I'm sorry if I got the lore wrong, which I probably did! >_<

Also, tried using em dashes again, not sure I used it right. It's also part of the reason I don't use them often. Another part is simply... uh Tumblr doesn't let me do the shift+u+2014 here and so I neglect to copy and paste it.

people that asked for part 2: @mononlogue @scoupshushushu @surprisinglylostsolitude @seraphineash @jellyjelly0 @yizhoudreams @rafayelsgirl @spiceandsass

sarahinara

even though mr. zayne is right in front of you, you can't stop thinking about your zayne.

“The maids informed me that you’ve been crying at night.”

You nearly drop the book in your hands, head snapping up to look at Zayne. The scratching of his fountain pen doesn’t cease, and his face is kept carefully unaffected, as if he’s just asking what you’d like for supper. But even if he’s Mr. Zayne in this world, you know him better than you know yourself. He’s hanging on to your every word.

A pang pierces your chest, adding on to the dread that’s hung over you since you first realized that Zayne had no memories of Linkon. During the day, you’ve been careful not to mention anything about the real world, too scared to ruin your chance to change the story and go back home. At night, you’re haunted by the ghost of your beloved. Your doctor never speaks in those dreams, but his cool touch lingers long after you awaken.

And just like that, the compartmentalization of the last few weeks has been cracked open on the floor of the study. “I…”

my self hatred is so prevalent I can't even suspend disbelief while playing otome games even though that's the whole point like psh unrealistic this fictional character wouldn't like me what a dumb game (not that that stops me from playing)

darlingsblackbook

Zayne x CrushingNurse!Reader | Part Four

When the joke stops being funny ( time for angst muahaha )

Part One • Part Two • Part Three

Love and Deepspace Masterlist

I | It started when you dropped a pen after Zayne passed by, and one of the nurses whispered loud enough for others to hear, “Careful, she might faint. He breathed near her.” You were shocked, still you laughed with them. That was the first time you didn’t meet Zayne’s eyes all day.

II | You used to prep his morning coffee without being asked. One day, a colleague asked, “Are you trying to date him or adopt him?”

You did not know how to answer her, you could only watch her walk away as she chuckled to herself. You could feel the warmth spread up to your cheeks, embarassment running through every single vein in your body- you threw the coffe you prepared down the sink, both yours and His. Later on, Zayne passed by the desk you were standing at and asked, “Are the coffee machines broken?”

You bit your lip as a pang of guilt - and embarassment again - hit you right in your chest. "No, they are not broken." You answered and looked back at your screen right after, quietly dismissing him. He stood there for a moment, you could feel his eyes inspecting you and you did your best to keep a poker face- after a few seconds he quietly walked away.

III | You started sitting at the far end of the table during meetings. Zayne glanced toward your usual spot. When his eyes passed over you, you looked down. He did not say a word about it, but the way his tone turned clipped for the rest of the briefing? He did not have to.

IV | A group of nurses giggled when you rushed into the OR after being called by Zayne. One said, “She gets summoned and sprints like she’s about to get proposed to.” You tried to laugh. It cracked in the middle. You were used to these comments coming from Mc- but you had built somewhat a friendship with her, these were just your collegues. Collegues whom you definately did not have the kind of bond with to be making such jokes. But, it's fine. They were just joking, they did not meet any harm.

V | You stopped wearing the pretty clip you used to use for your hair. The one Zayne had gotten for you as a birthday present. You had been shocked, but so excited when he congratulated you and had worn the golden hairclip ever since. Until a nurse asked you, "Do you wear it because your hair actually gets in the way or just because a certain doctor gifted it to you?"

VI | Zayne asked you a question and you stuttered again - usually you just laugh it off and Zayne raises and eyebrow. This time, you saw the same nurses that had been dropping comments about you chuckle as they looked your way. You just apologized and walked off mid-sentence. He stared after you for a beat too long, lips slightly parted like he might call out. He didn't.

VII | One of the new nurses caught you staring at Zayne across the hallway and whispered, “Dream smaller.” What? It wasn’t loud. But loud enough for the people nearby to chuckle. You chuckled with them, even though the knife that had been stuck in your chest these past weeks twisted even further.

VIII | Zayne corrected a minor error in your notes. Usually, you’d flush and nod and promise to fix it. This time, you just said, “Yes, Doctor,” and turned away before he could say more. He watched you walk off with something tight behind his eyes.

IX | The nurse’s break room got suspiciously quiet when you walked in. A moment later, someone said, “Wonder how she even got placed on his team. Must’ve blushed her way in.” You stood frozen. No one said anything, they just laughed as if your weren't standing right there, just making a cup of coffee. It felt like all the breath had been knocked out of your chest, because even though she worded it carefully as she did, you knew exactly what she implied.

X | You stopped speaking in group briefings unless directly addressed. Once, you did answer a question, and someone coughed “Pet” into their elbow. Zayne raised his head at the sound, you could see him question himself whether he really heard that right or not. He glanced at you. You didn’t meet his gaze.

XI | MC came to Zayne for a check up and found you pecking at your lunch alone at the desk instead of with the others in the breakroom. She walked around the desk and sat beside you at the empty chair. You tried to act fine. She didn’t comment on the cold sandwich or your red eyes. She just said, “Want me to punch anyone?” You shook your head. She muttered, “Coward,” and stayed with you anyway.

XII | Zayne asked for assistance with a patient and you hesitated before agreeing. He tilted his head slightly. “You always volunteer.” You shrugged. “I just thought maybe someone more… competent could”

"You are one of the most if not the most competent nurses here." He replied, then kept an eye on you. Waiting for the way your eyes would widen and shine at the compliment - as you usually would. And you wanted to, but you already feeling the side eye your collegue next you shot you- you kept your head down. Still, you helped him out. His jaw was tight the entire appointment.

XIII | MC watched you fumble and apologize for a mistake that wasn’t yours as she was seated in the waiting room. When you left, a nurse said, “She’s scared he’ll stop liking her if she breathes wrong.” MC raised a brow and said, “Funny she is the one scared when she has the least reason to be." Silence.

XIV | You dropped your ID badge and someone said, “Pick it up, maybe he'll see something that'll actually catch his attention” You laughed. Later, when Zayne said your name, you had to push back tears at his voice. He noticed.

XV | You once brushed past him in the hallway and he turned slightly, as if expecting a nod or greeting. You didn’t say anything. Didn’t even slow your pace.

XVI | Zayne began checking over your work more than usual. Not criticizing—just… looking. Quietly. One day he said, “Your....way of leaving notes to me have changed.” You said, “I’m just trying to be more professional.” He looked like he wanted to ask something. He didn’t.

XVII | You tried to smile at him when handing over a chart, but it came out wrong—tight, strained. He took the clipboard and said nothing. But he was still holding it when you walked away, not flipping the page.

XVIII | Zayne told a mildly sarcastic joke during rounds- keeping an eye out for your reaction expecting your usual nervous giggle.. The group laughed. You didn’t.

XIX | Mc showed up again, something told you it had nothing to do with a check up or another reason she had to see Zayne for- maybe you were delusional, but you thought maybe she came to check up one you. No one had in a long time. “You know he’s not blind, right?” You smiled, “I think he might be.”

XX | One evening, Zayne passed by and paused near your desk. You didn’t look up. He said, “You’ve been different lately.” You kept typing. “Just focusing on work.” He didn’t move. “…Did someone say something to you?”

Silence.

"No." You responded simply, quietly- but somehow that single word felt like a cry, a shout- as if you were banging on a invisible glass cage you were trapped in.

He walked away but as he lay in bed that night he could not stop thinking about it.

hajimeowmeow

caleb x non-mc!reader wherein caleb receives a letter threatening to hurt the person he loves the most, yet instead of staying with you, his girlfriend, he thinks mc is in danger and stays with her in linkon for weeks on end, only for him to comeback to your shared apartment with the whole place wrecked and you nowhere in sight. he finds you eventually, but something doesn't seem quite right with you. but none of it matters as long as he has you in his arms again, beaming up at him in delight, even if your smile was a little different than he remembered. for him, you were home.

cheriefrosting

⁀➴☕︎ | Valko is the king of bad timing (his confessions right)

minors dni.

It is no surprise that you are more coherent than Valko during sex.

For a man who could command an entire boardroom without breaking a sweat all the while making his shareholders comply to his whims, it was gratifying to see him be reduced to this whimpering mess.

It didn't matter if he was above you, thrusting into you so hard that the bed frame rattled, the sound of skin slapping against skin loud as he buried himself in so deep you could feel him in your throat. With just the right stimulation and the slightest tightening of your walls around his length, he would lose his composure, groaning into your shoulder, his cock pumping against you in a frenzied rhythm.

He would never make you beg. Pleasing you was his first priority. In every possible way. Even if it meant subjecting himself to your sweet, little torture.

Even in the delirious state he was in, with every muscle and bone in his body protesting, if you quietly told him to stop, all movements would cease. His entire body thrumming with tension, shaking above you as you finally catch a breath, wrapping a leg around his waist, your heel digging into his ass and pushing him deeper. Your moan is eclipsed by his groan, by the effort it is taking him to listen to you.

"Who's my good boy, hm?" Fingers tugging at his hair, you'd pull his head back as a whimper lodges in the back of his throat while you kiss your way down the side of his neck, his rock-hard cock throbbing inside your pussy.

He wouldn't make you beg. You would.

You've been edging him for what seems like hours now, you've cum twice in the process and everytime you've made him stop. Forced him to feel every contraction of your walls, feel the way they sucked him in as he hovered above you, whining into your skin in desperation.

Right now, he can't even find his voice to answer you as you pepper kisses on his skin, sucking your mark under his ear where he was most sensitive, overstimulated to the point of no return as his eyes roll to the back of his head. His cock is twitching, the thick vein running on the underside dragging against your gummy walls.

"Go ahead" You whisper, feeling the hair on his skin rise, his ears perking up at the husky command, getting ready to please you in whichever way you demanded of him "Say the magic words"

"I love you"

Your entire body goes rigid beneath him, his tail that had been wildly swishing behind him ever since you told him to stop suddenly goes limp at your reaction and his realization at the words that spilled past his lips. His eyes are wide like he can't believe he said it to you, here, dropping the bomb out of nowhere in the worst possible situation.

He goes to sit up, hands letting go of you only to flail about as he tries to explain his way out of it. This is not how he intended to confess his feelings. You deserved better. You deserved a proper confession after a proper date with flowers and gifts and-

Your arms lock around his neck before he can pull away from you completely, hauling his face down to yours till your noses brush against each other.

"Say it again" Your voice is a whisper, afraid any higher octave might shatter the spell.

"I love you" He repeats, no hesitation in his voice as his hands find their way back on your skin.

"You love me?" Your voice is disbelieving, laughter filled with self-pity escaping you "You" The word is emphasized "-love me?"

Wrapping his arms around your back, Valko lifts you into his arms and into his embrace, face finding its home in the crook of your neck to press a reassuring kiss to your skin "Yes. For the longest time" He pulls back to look at you, to show you his sincerity "I have been hopelessly and irrevocably in love with you. God, I'm crazy about you"

"Val" You warn under your breath "Don't mess with me"

"I'm not-"

"Because I love you too"

Valko's restraint snaps, slamming into you so deep that your back arches, hips bucking up against his pulsating length as his release crashes over him and he takes you down with him. Thighs trembling, you feel thick spurts of his cum lining your walls till he's gushing out of your sensitive folds.

His entire body has you trapped beneath him, robbing you of air as he hides his face into the sheets, over your shoulder, his neck and ears red from embarrassment. It's only when you start giggling does he pull back, pouting at you.

"I love you, you silly doofus" You tell him, kissing his nose.

"I don't think you should be allowed to say that in bed" His face is burning, tail swishing behind him in elation.

"And you can?"

"Well" He's nuzzling against you again, entire body rubbing against yours "You're obviously better at handling it"

Only because he isn't. You had him wrapped around your finger and loved every second of it.

Years down the line, nothing changes. He's still just as eager to get you in bed even if he knows you're not going to make it easy for him.

"Are you gonna be good for me?" You're on his lap, cooing at him as he fights his natural instincts to take over and fuck you into next week while you grind your pussy down on him.

Whimpers escape him, conceding to you as you bite down on his nipple "Use your words, baby"

"Yes, yes. I will be so good" Fingers digging into your waist, he's resisting the urge to bounce you on his cock with the way you're dragging this out. He's going to try and use underhanded tricks to make you surrender first any second now.

When he sets his sights on you head on, you know it's coming "I love you" His hands are spanning the expanse of your back, waist and ass, digging into each cheek to prompt you to move, bounce, grind- do something, anything "Baby, please-"

"Always?" You circle your hips around his length, your pelvis grinding into him before you rise till he's almost completely out.

You're waiting on him to say the magic words that you so love, knowing he's about concede the way his half-lidded eyes flutter and his body goes taut, strung tight like a bow waiting to snap as his voice cracks when he pleads with you.

"Fuck yes- God, please. I bought a ring last week and booked a venue and I'll always, always be good to you so please just-" When you slam back down on him, his breath catches, voice barely carrying over toc you "-give me a chance to make you the happiest girl in the world"

And that's how you find out your silly wolf of a boyfriend was going to propose.

jinxedjag

this is so absolutely tmi about my real life but this is almost exactly beat for beat how I said I love you for the first time to my current partner 🫠 except maybe less cute bc idk what they wanted me to say in the moment and I said I love you and then they didn't respond... and so i was freaking out but too nervous to bring it up and way after the fact I asked about my partner about it and it turns out they had no clue that had happened bc they didn't even hear what I said

cheriefrosting

⁀➴☕︎ | Valko is the king of bad timing (his confessions right)

minors dni.

It is no surprise that you are more coherent than Valko during sex.

For a man who could command an entire boardroom without breaking a sweat all the while making his shareholders comply to his whims, it was gratifying to see him be reduced to this whimpering mess.

He would never make you beg. Pleasing you was his first priority. In every possible way. Even if it meant subjecting himself to your sweet, little torture.

He wouldn't make you beg. You would.

"Go ahead" You whisper, feeling the hair on his skin rise, his ears perking up at the husky command, getting ready to please you in whichever way you demanded of him "Say the magic words"

"I love you"

Your arms lock around his neck before he can pull away from you completely, hauling his face down to yours till your noses brush against each other.

"Say it again" Your voice is a whisper, afraid any higher octave might shatter the spell.

"I love you" He repeats, no hesitation in his voice as his hands find their way back on your skin.

"You love me?" Your voice is disbelieving, laughter filled with self-pity escaping you "You" The word is emphasized "-love me?"

"Val" You warn under your breath "Don't mess with me"

"I'm not-"

"Because I love you too"

"I love you, you silly doofus" You tell him, kissing his nose.

"I don't think you should be allowed to say that in bed" His face is burning, tail swishing behind him in elation.

"And you can?"

"Well" He's nuzzling against you again, entire body rubbing against yours "You're obviously better at handling it"

Only because he isn't. You had him wrapped around your finger and loved every second of it.

Years down the line, nothing changes. He's still just as eager to get you in bed even if he knows you're not going to make it easy for him.

"Are you gonna be good for me?" You're on his lap, cooing at him as he fights his natural instincts to take over and fuck you into next week while you grind your pussy down on him.

Whimpers escape him, conceding to you as you bite down on his nipple "Use your words, baby"

"Always?" You circle your hips around his length, your pelvis grinding into him before you rise till he's almost completely out.

And that's how you find out your silly wolf of a boyfriend was going to propose.

i've been sold on valko as a character and i will pull for his first cards bc i'm such a sucker... i still don't have a great idea how he'll slot into the existing story and lore but we'll just have to see

#love and deepspace #lads #valko #lads valko #love and deepspace valko #valko love and deepspace

I wasn't really interested in the 6th LI at all until I was reminded of the og 3 LI counterpart thing but my main holdup is how he'll tie into main story and lore?? like the lack of foreshadowing or anything makes me just so confused

#love and deepspace #lads #l&ds

lilithstrawberry

Lingering pt 2 | Zayne Li (Eng version)

Pairing: Zayne x Non!Mc ♥ Summary: Zayne senses that something is wrong with his wife's behavior after their vacation; perhaps it's just a matter of coincidences, but he can't help but let them influence his own hidden insecurities. Tags: Angst, Zayne groveling, Zayne begging, Non!Mc W.C.: 5.3K Notes: I don't know what I've done, guys… a lot of you asked me to write a "groveling Zayne", and that's what I tried to do. Sorry if it's messy or if the feeling doesn't come across well; it's the first time I've tried to write something like this, plus I'm racing against the clock because I'm supposed to be studying for an exam I have on Thursday, instead of writing this…

Zayne’s life seemed to consist of one promise after another.

“I promise I’ll never use my evol again.” little Zayne had thought through his uncontrollable sobs, as he rubbed his hands together frantically, until his pale, frozen skin turned red; the frost cracking under the friction, taking small pieces of his skin with it, but he didn’t seem to care, just as he didn’t care about the words of comfort his mother whispered in his ear, holding him close in her arms, her heart heavy with the pain of her little son after that innocent accident.

“Please, Zayne. Promise me,” the woman in front of him had said, her eyes red and swollen from so much crying watching him with agonizing hope; the small, reassuring smile her lips struggled to maintain faded away in the face of the young man’s silence before her. “Please, promise me you won’t keep blaming yourself. Promise me we’ll move forward, that we’ll learn to forget and carry on.” Her voice remained subdued; perhaps she was already using all her willpower just to say those words, and Zayne couldn’t help but feel remorse at making that poor woman—exhausted as she was from crying and wailing for William—try to reason with him. More out of empathy for her exhaustion than because he truly felt he had the will to keep that promise, he nodded.

Then there were those countless promises—promises that, though often fleeting for him, were a daily commitment he had to fulfill; for those people, they represented a ray of light in the darkness that weighed heavily on their hearts.

“I’ll do everything I can to save him” he’d tell the families as he tried to pass through the automatic doors of the operating room, so that someone would always call out to him or grab his arm, preventing him from moving through that entrance—which was a nightmare for them but simply a job for Zayne.

“Promise us, doctor, please.” pleaded those desperate souls in search of comfort, however fleeting and uncertain it might be.

“I promise.” he said softly, and after a nod of his head, he disappeared behind the frosted glass doors, focused and ready to fulfill that daily promise as usual, with confidence and efficiency.

Things got complicated when it was Josephine’s turn to make him swear. As he looked at that elderly woman in her hospital bed, visibly far too serene and carefree for the reason she was there, Zayne felt once again like that twelve-year-old boy, visiting that woman’s house for the first time, while she told him not to fear the future, that everything would be all right, that he just had to trust and do his best.

“If the worst happens… please,” she said with a sweet smile, “take care of her for me.” Zayne tried to object, to swear instead that he would do everything in his power to help her live as long as possible, that he wouldn’t need to stay close to Mc because she would be there in his place. “You know… by helping her, you’re helping yourself.” she finished, leaving him little choice but to stare at his own feet, trying to muster the strength needed to make that promise.

And just a few months later, he would be swearing the most important vow of his life—one that now, perhaps due to a fleeting insecurity or a true premonition, he felt he wasn’t fully keeping.

“Zayne Li, do you take Non!Mc to be your wife, and promise to be faithful to her in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, and to love and honor her until death do you part?” the priest had said in front of him, his voice sounding distant despite the closeness and amplification of the echo that reached every corner of that church, but Zayne couldn’t concentrate on it; his face was turned toward the dazzling woman at his side, his eyes drawn to her figure with such reverence that they clouded his vision with tears that dared not fall beyond his tear ducts.

He didn’t realize how much time had passed since the priest had recited those vows until his bride, standing right beside him, turned to look at him with a worried expression, fearing that her recent nightmares of Zayne regretting marrying her had come true, only to find those hazel eyes, glistening with tears, gazing at her with a longing and painfully sweet expression.

“Your turn, Zayne.” she whispered after a soft laugh. The lovesick man before her seemed to snap out of his love spell, regaining his senses and the ability to speak to take his vow, his gaze still fixed on his beloved.

“I swear.” he said, his voice choked by the lump in his throat and the pleasurable ache in his chest, as he could no longer hold back the tears of emotion, which the young woman, laughing softly at the sight of them, wiped away with her silk-gloved thumb, while the priest repeated the vow, but this time for her.

Now, sitting on the bed in that darkened room at some point in the early morning—he couldn’t tell exactly when—with his breath rising from his mouth like steam, his fingertips numb with frost, and a nervous sweat covering his entire body, and feeling his wife shiver in her sleep beside him from the sudden drop in temperature in the room, Zayne was frightened by himself; those nightmares had resurfaced from the trunk in which he had imprisoned them deep within his heart.

“Zayne? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” asked his wife beside him, her body shivering from the cold, her shoulders hunched and slightly tense to keep her body from shaking, as she rubbed her arms with her hands to warm herself, her teeth chattering while she blinked repeatedly, trying to make out Zayne’s figure in the darkness with her sleepy eyes.

“Yes…” he said in a choked voice. “I’m sorry, it was… it was a nightmare, nothing more, just a nightmare.” he whispered, more in an attempt to convince himself than to explain to his wife.

“Are you sure?” you said as your body trembled and your skin prickled beneath your pajama top, made of fabric too thin to keep you warm, while you felt around on the sheets until you found Zayne’s hand, beginning to rub it between yours to warm his skin. “You’re freezing…”

“Yeah, sorry.” he said in a barely audible whisper.

“You don’t have to apologize, honey.” you said as you brought his hand to your mouth and exhaled, but the frost was as rigid as the fears wandering through Zayne’s mind at that moment. “Wait here.” you said, getting out of bed and hurrying to the closet while hugging yourself.

You took one of the blankets—the kind you weren’t supposed to use for another two months, until fall arrived—and walked back to the bed, spreading it quickly over the sheet so you could quickly burrow under the covers, feeling the cold seep into your bones. And even though it wasn’t a good idea to get close to Zayne, since he was the snowman in the room, he needed comfort, and the cold wouldn’t stop you from giving it to him.

“Come closer to me, I’m cold.” you said as you curled up like a caterpillar closer to him.

“I’m the one causing it, remember? Maybe I should go sleep in the guest room.” he said as he made a move to kick off the covers and get out of bed, an attempt his wife instantly thwarted by grabbing his arm and pulling him toward her.

“Don’t lift the blanket—I’m cold” you complained, resting your head on his chest and wrapping your arms around him, holding him beneath you so he couldn’t escape. Zayne sighed at your stubbornness and let himself be manipulated; he could still feel your body trembling against his and the sound of your breath, ragged from the cold, as well as the chattering of your teeth; so he held you tightly, hoping that embrace would be enough to soothe the storm of emotions raging in his chest.

It wasn't the first time something like this had happened.

Zayne used to lose control of his evol due to complex or overwhelming emotions, all of which centered on his wife. It used to be something harmless, like frozen fingers or frosted glass in the heat of passion; but there were times, when it came to disturbing emotions—like the idea of losing her—that lack of control intensified, even going so far as to remind him of the incident from when he was twelve, a thought and memory that only intensified his fear and the magnitude of the damage caused by his evol.

On several occasions, when they were nothing more than a tender couple, you had woken up in the early hours of the morning after frozen hands clung tightly to your waist, a sweaty face pressed against the nape of your neck while icy, ragged breaths against your shoulder blades made your whole body bristle, even causing your skin to ache from the cold. Zayne’s nightmares would wake him up agitated, out of control, and searching for your presence, needing to know that you were there with him, that your warmth was welcome, that you hadn’t abandoned him.

Even after they were married, Zayne had still had those episodes, though they were less frequent or milder—usually after he’d had a bad day at work, following the death of a patient under his care, or when you two had argued or you’d gotten upset with him for some reason… But this time, none of those triggers seemed to have occurred.

Instead, it seemed to be the result of small coincidences, or perhaps that combined with Zayne’s own insecurities.

It had all started after they returned from their group vacation with Greyson and his wife…

“How was your vacation?” was the first thing you heard when you walked into the office—no “good morning” just straight to the gossip and the question you’d woken up that morning hoping not to have to hear.

“Good morning to you too” you replied sarcastically as you hung your purse on the coat rack next to your coat and headed to your desk.

“Well? That’s not what I asked.”

“Fine, it was fine.”

“Fine? Just fine?”

When you thought back on your vacation, it had been nice; you’d had fun; you’d spent more time with Zayne during those five days than you had in the past month, and it had been… well, just as it should be between a married couple who hadn’t been able to catch up for a month; it had felt good to have your husband by your side again—not Dr. Zayne, whom you spoke to on the phone during his shifts, nor the husband who came home tired to say “good night” and kiss you before bed, but simply Zayne, YOUR Zayne.

But… You couldn’t help but admit that the incident from the first day lingered in your chest during the first two days of your vacation, unable to be soothed even when Zayne remained indifferent and coldly polite toward Mc during their visit to the hospital the morning after the accident, arguing that she was already in the hands of professionals and out of danger, so he had no reason, nor did he want, to use his vacation time with his wife to attend to the girl, stripping her without hesitation of her status as a priority patient.

“My vacation is already interrupted enough with Greyson and his wife following us around to every activity we want to do, without me having to go to the hospital all the time.” —he had said as he absentmindedly stroked the bare skin of your back, tracing the line of your spine, his finger sinking into the crease between the muscles of your back, while you rested against his body, your head resting on his bare chest.

“But don’t you think she’ll feel lonely? Besides, she’s in a hospital in a city she doesn’t know” you said as you rested your arms on Zayne’s chest and your chin on them, watching his face, just a few inches away from him.

“She has her friends; she’s not alone.”

“But—”

“But nothing. She’s a big girl. If she knows how to fight wanderers, she can entertain herself.” he said, his eyes never leaving your lips, lost in their swelling from the activities of just a few minutes ago. You, who had spent the last few minutes thinking rationally and ignoring your true desires, couldn’t help but laugh, surprised and, though you didn’t want to admit it, slightly pleased by your husband’s choice.

“Since when have you been so cold, Zayne Li?”

“I don’t know, people tell me that so often I don’t even know when it started.” You laughed again, shaking your head as you couldn’t help the smile that spread across your lips, and a warm feeling washed over you.

“But we could go see her, at least on the last day.”

“Am I being too subtle, or do you really not realize I’m trying to start something?” he snapped, frowning and letting out an irritated sigh. “You’re ruining my plans by bringing that matter up over and over again.”

“Again?” you exclaimed, only to be quickly interrupted by Zayne’s lips on yours once more.

The rest of their vacation days had unfolded without a care in the world, but after they’d both returned to their respective routines without a hitch, there was something… something that didn’t seem to add up about your behavior, and perhaps it was because, for the first time since you’d been married, you were taking the time to reflect on your thoughts and feelings about that promise your husband was working so hard to keep.

And while it had been an isolated incident—since it was the first time in their two years of marriage that you’d felt insecure about Mc’s presence and importance in Zayne’s life—you felt that, even so, you had to address your own emotions and reflect on them.

Maybe that was why your husband felt that something unusual was going on…

Zayne had caught himself several times over the past few weeks, holding his phone with hands slightly damp from having rushed to dry them after leaving the operating room, finding his inbox empty, puzzled that his wife hadn’t sent him a message. He’d check the time on both his phone and his watch—a gift from his wife—confirming that it was time to head to work, but the message “Good morning, have a nice day. I love you” wasn’t there.

Then there were those nights when he came home, tired and seeking his wife’s warmth to feel alive again, to feel at home, and she didn’t wake up to kiss him hello as usual—something he attributed to perhaps a heavier workload that left her exhausted at night, though he also found it strange that she hadn’t mentioned it to him.

After nearly five weeks during which Zayne felt he was losing touch with his wife, feeling you growing ever more distant from him, feeling his anxiety and deep fears spreading from the depths of his heart to consume his thoughts even more each time he asked you if you were okay, if something had happened, or if he had done something wrong, you would just laugh and ask him where he’d gotten those ideas, believing that Zayne’s concerns were just casual, passing questions, unaware of how much these questions were eating away at your husband’s heart.

Until everything got worse that day. Zayne, knowing his wife would have Saturday off—since she’d marked it on the kitchen calendar—asked for special leave to take the day off, wanting to spend time with her to express his concerns and finally put them to rest, but he didn’t expect that day to turn out that way.

He was finishing up breakfast when you appeared at the top of the stairs, ready to leave, with your bag slung over your forearm while your attention was fixed on the phone in your hands.

“Oh, Zayne.” you said, surprised, stopping on the last step of the stairs, looking at him in surprise, not expecting to see him at home.

“Good morning, sweetheart. Breakfast is almost ready.” he said, smiling at you as he continued preparing your cappuccino, your favorite.

“I didn’t know you had the day off.” you said as you walked toward him.

“I didn’t have it; I ordered it. I told you yesterday when I got home, but you were too sleepy to understand what I was saying.” he said as he walked over to the table and set your cup down next to the plate of pancakes and the bowl of plain yogurt with granola and fruit.

“Oh… I’m actually about to head out…” you began, a little embarrassed to have to turn down the elaborate breakfast Zayne had taken the time to make, getting up early on his day off so they could share breakfast. Zayne frowned slightly, confused, his gaze drifting to the calendar on the fridge.

“Did I get the day wrong?” he asked, more to himself… but no, it was the right day, he confirmed, even more confused.

“No, it is today, it’s just that I’d made plans to meet my friend today; I didn’t know you’d be home.”

“Oh, I see…” he said, nodding gently as he sat down to eat breakfast.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, honey.” you said as you walked over to him to say a quick goodbye with a chaste kiss on his lips. “Thanks for breakfast, but I have to go now. I’m running late, and you know Anya doesn’t like people being late.”

“Wasn’t Anya your lawyer friend?” Zayne asked as he got up from his seat to follow you to the door.

“Yeah, her. Well, see you later.” you said with a smile, leaning in to give her another quick kiss before heading out the door. As Zayne closed the door, he realized a terrifying truth.

Anya, one of his wife’s closest friends—who had been a bridesmaid at their wedding—was a divorce lawyer.

As if all the events of the past few weeks had aligned for a common purpose, Zayne couldn’t help but feel the icy chill spreading from his chest throughout the rest of his body, creeping up toward his neck, while his coffee slowly grew cold and the breakfast on his plate seemed to mock him—mocking the time it had taken him to make it, only for him to no longer want to eat it now.

The heaviness in his chest followed him for the rest of the day, unable to be eased, not even by the warmth of his wife’s body beside him that night as they slept side by side. A cloud of insecurity and fear in his thoughts, reviving his nightmares where he saw himself alone, where his beloved rejected him and walked away from his side. Perhaps that nightmare was slowly becoming a reality, and with it, the most meaningful promise of his life was losing its purpose.

“Zayne? Is that you?” you said, startled by the silence and darkness in the house, and by what you thought was a person sitting there, motionless.

“Welcome home…” you heard Zayne say; his voice—ignoring the fact that it had come out in a low, almost whispered tone—sounded strange on its own, slightly more nasal than usual. Puzzled and a little worried by his unusual behavior, you hurriedly took off your shoes, leaving them scattered there as you set your bag on the floor and rushed to the light switch.

“Zayne, what’s going on?” you asked, trying to keep your tone calm so it wouldn’t betray your growing concern, your gaze fixed on his figure hunched forward on the sofa as you reached out to turn on the light.

“Don’t… don’t turn it on.” he pleaded, his voice tinged with desperate supplication, as he jumped up from his seat, fearing you might still reach for the switch. If there was one thing he couldn’t allow, it was for you to see the state he was in. He had spent the last three hours, ever since he’d arrived early from the hospital, lost in his thoughts, falling deeper and deeper into the consuming spiral of insecurity, fear, and despair over being abandoned.

“Honey, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.” you said, frowning with concern, as you ignored his plea and turned on the lights.

Standing in front of the sofa, still wearing the clothes he’d worn to the hospital, Zayne stood still and silent, his gaze fixed on the floor, refusing to look you in the eyes, for he knew that if he did, he would no longer be able to keep his worries to himself; he would surrender at your feet and tell you that you had married the most insecure and pathetic man who had ever walked on earth. You remained silent as you walked slowly toward him, stopping just a few steps away, leaving a space for him and his feelings, waiting for him to open up to you. Because that’s how your relationship had always been—there would always be a space for each of you to acknowledge and respond to your own emotions before communicating them properly.

A moment passed before he felt brave enough to speak; he looked at you with his head slightly bowed from behind his eyelashes, his brow remained relaxed, but those eyes couldn’t fool you—you could see right through them perfectly. Despair, vulnerability.

“I love you—you know that, right?” he asked in a quiet voice, his gaze fixed on your eyes, which were watching him with surprise and a touch of fear. You felt completely caught off guard by Zayne’s behavior, and even more puzzled by the question that had reluctantly slipped from his lips.

You looked at him cautiously, perhaps too focused on finding a response to that situation to notice how important a positive answer was to Zayne’s anguished heart, perhaps too stunned by the raw vulnerability in your husband’s gaze as he looked into yours. Zayne’s brow furrowed and his eyebrows arched upward in sadness and disbelief at his wife’s silence, feeling his heart pounding hard in his chest, even hearing the thudding of his blood, while his hands began to grow cold at his sides.

“You don’t know?” he asked in a choked voice, more like a statement to himself that only served to break something inside him; his sad, pained eyes looked at you as if he had hurt you, or perhaps it was the other way around.

“No! Of course I know!” “You rushed to say, feeling how that look of sadness on his face hurt you. ‘It’s just that I’m a little surprised and worried about you. I don’t know what’s wrong with you. Please, honey, tell me what’s going on.’”You asked—or perhaps begged; you didn’t know, you couldn’t hear yourself—you could only watch his eyes, darkened and on the verge of tears, and his saddened brow.

“Do you know that I love you? Do you know that every beat of my heart belongs to you?” he began as that annoying, stabbing pain in his chest returned; the tips of his fingers felt as if they were being pricked by something he didn’t bother to check. He could only watch the expression of concern and sadness on your face, growing increasingly blurred by his tears—tears he’d been holding back for weeks, repeating to himself that everything was fine, that nothing had changed, that it was only him whom be acting strangely, the one who seemed unable to erase the remorse from his chest, the guilt of having let a promise from the past interfere with their marriage.

You watched him this time, more agitated; a few tears slid down Zayne’s cheek as you watched in terror as that treacherous frost peeked out from beneath the collar of his black shirt. You watched him breathe more and more heavily, steam escaping from his trembling lips while you yourself began to feel the change in temperature in the room.

“Do you know that my greatest fear is that you’ll leave me? Do you know how many times you’ve left me in my dreams? You have no idea how much it hurts; it’s always the same. You start to hate me, and one day… one day your heart feels so heavy that you leave without saying goodbye… without looking back… and I… —the chill continued to creep steadily up his neck, climbing over his wrist and jaw, creeping across his face and covering his temple— “and I…” he tried to continue, but he didn’t dare, he couldn’t; his whole being kept fighting to keep that heart-wrenching truth locked away at the bottom of the trunk, hidden from himself, hidden from you, because maybe if you heard it, if you discovered it, you’d know that it was your truth, too.

Feeling your aching chest, cold stabs piercing it one after another, with the thumping of your heart echoing in your ears, you took a step toward him, seeking to comfort him, to strip him of that vulnerability you never dared to even imagine Zayne could feel, to stop those words that were hurting both of you, but he stepped back, bumping into the sofa and falling onto it, resigned and too weak to move from there, lacking the will to distance himself from you any further than he already had—not because he didn’t want to, but because he needed your closeness as much as he needed to breathe.

Head bowed and his vision clouded with tears, he sighed raggedly. There was no turning back.

“And I know I deserve it” he declared, his frozen hands resting on his knees while his body lacked the strength to stay upright. Zayne was nothing more than a man consumed by his own misery.

“Zayne…” you began, your voice a pleading call as you approached him; your hands went to his cheeks and gently guided his face so he would look at you. His eyes, slightly narrowed and shadowed by his own misery—exhausted and melancholic—focused on yours. His eyebrows remained furrowed, but it was no longer confusion that lay within them; it was despair. The gaze of a man who was about to be abandoned again, who preferred to remain silent rather than accept that he had no right to object, who could not and did not want to hurt you any more. “Oh, my love…” you said as you ran your thumbs over his cold face, wiping the tears from his cheeks “Why do you say that?

“...I just know... I know I don’t deserve you, I know you deserve better...” he said slowly, his face leaning toward your hand, his eyes closing as he couldn’t help but seek the warmth of your touch—and that was what hurt him the most— the realization that one day there would no longer be a warm touch to call home.

“I’m just a pathetic man, who was lucky enough for you to care about me. I’m nothing more than a man trying to keep his word, but every time I try to keep it, the more I try, the more I lose… and it’s so exhausting… what matters most is the first thing I lose…” His hands, unconsciously—perhaps because they needed the comfort of that closeness, or perhaps because even though his rational side told him he should let you go— he couldn’t resist his heart’s insistence on clinging to you—they reached for your legs, holding you close to him, until you were standing between his legs, letting his head fall onto your stomach, in a vague attempt to hide his own shame, to hide how much it affected him that you might walk out that door that very night.

“I’ve made so many promises, so many that I’ve failed to keep… but you… our marriage… isn’t just another one of them; it’s not simply a word I must keep. You are everything to me. I want to be with you, to continue dedicating every beat of my heart to you, every breath I take—my whole life is for you and because of you.”

“You are the owner of everything I am, and if I’ve failed to prove it, there won’t be a day that I don’t regret it, because you are everything I’ve ever been and will ever be… you have to be the one by my side… it has to be you…” Zayne lifted his face to look up at you, his chin pressed against your stomach while his arms held your body tightly against his, his fingers digging into your legs with a force he didn’t intend but couldn’t help because of his desperation. Out of fear that you would push him away for good.

“So please… please don’t leave me… I know I’m being selfish… I know this isn’t the way to act, but I don’t… I don’t know what to do anymore… I should be used to being abandoned… but you… I need you so much, so much it hurts… Please, tell me you know how much I love you, tell me you love me, please, please…” he said as he buried his cheek against your stomach “Tell me you love me…tell me we can fix this…lie to me if you have to…”

You remained silent, stunned by his words—more by the fact that the thought had crossed his mind that you might not love him than by how surprising it seemed that the great Zayne Li would ever beg. But you knew him; you knew the vulnerability and loneliness that dwelled in that fearful heart, that fragile, yearning heart he had given you unconditionally years ago.

You moved one of your hands from his cheek to his hair, brushing it away from his face, traveling all the way to the nape of his neck, while your other hand went to his jaw; the crystalline patterns on it made your fingertips tingle from its low temperature. Zayne gently loosened his grip, his hands sliding down your lower back toward the sides of your hips, clinging to your hipbones with his hands, not wanting to let you go, while his eyes closed in surrender under the warmth of your hands on his cold face. Taking advantage of the fact that he seemed to be calming down, you brought one of your knees to the sofa, on either side of his legs, sitting gently on his lap, your gaze still fixed on him.

Faced with this sudden change, he looked at you in surprise, and the relief reflected in his eyes—given how close you were, and how hurt he seemed to have felt—made you feel guilty, like when you accidentally, through an inevitable but unintentional mistake, step on your poor cat’s tail, when all it was trying to do was rub against your leg to show you affection.

“I do love you, Zayne.” you began softly, in an intimate whisper, a confession that belonged only to the two of you. He let out a ragged sigh, his Adam’s apple bobbing roughly as he tried to get rid of the lump in his throat; his forehead fell against yours, staying there for a few seconds before his lips briefly touched yours, only to leave them a second later to kiss your cheek, your jaw, and when he finished descending to your neck, his face paused there, seeking refuge against your skin, his hands wrapping around your waist once more.

“Even if it’s just for tonight… tell me you still love me… if I can only have you tonight… then hold me tight and don’t let me go… so I can remember it forever.” he pleaded, his face buried in the crook of your neck, his icy breath sending shivers down your spine, his hands clinging tightly around your waist, clutching the fabric of your shirt between his fists.

bimstown

feldfrog

Waking up as a bug would be so Sisyphusian. If you specifically became a dung beetle

spacecowbabe

when Brennan said "The first rule of existence is: as above, so below. People are fractal images of the universe. You are as we are. In the same way your heart feels and your mind thinks, you, mortal beings are the instrument by which the universe cares. If you choose to care, then the universe cares. If you don't, then it doesn't."

when Brennan said "It is a horrifying responsibility to think because things cannot remain the same, each and every one of us must shoulder some responsibility for how they will become different."

when Brennan said "Sometimes decisions are not difficult. Sometimes they are just hard."

when Brennan said "There is no moral. The Wolf eats you one day and until it does, the forest is beautiful."

when Brennan said "I always felt the fundamental substance of the universe is creation. None of this makes any sense, when you really break it down. It's like, none of this had to happen, but it's beautiful and art is the definition of 'this didn't have to happen, but it's beautiful.' [...] It resonates with the universe because the universe is consciousness playing with itself."

when Brennan said

i-may-be-batman

oh and happy valentines to all who don’t care!! I see you and I feel you

thatnordicguy

I've failed to read rooms I was alone in

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