Joel's Girlfriend @joelsgirlfriend - Tumblr Blog

when you introduce your friend to a tv show and they start being interested in your notp

We call musicals unrealistic because people randomly burst into song but I’ve been home alone for like 3 days and I start singing about what I’m doing every 5 minutes

tacomel420

singing in musicals: *perfect harmonies* we’re all in this together!

singing to myself: *one note only* heating up some soup! heating up some soup! ya put it in the microwave and watch it spin around!

thebeanestbad

picsthatmakeyougohmm

hmmm

xenosaurus

I think it was before I started posting story concepts on tumblr but I had an old concept called ‘apocalyptia’ which was a dark comedy about a world where every apocalypse movie premise happened simultaneously

xenosaurus

The big joke was that all these HUGE disasters cancelled each other out. A bunch of shit flooding kept the zombies contained. The super intelligent apes stopped global warming. The leather-clad motorcycle murder gangs intimidate the alien invaders.

xenosaurus

Everything sucks in like 8 overlapping ways but it’s just become the norm at this point. There’s a guy named Cannibal Jack that people trust to cook for them for some reason.

xenosaurus

The main character is a recluse with a shotgun who just wants to sit in her shack and give cynical advice to passing young people, but unfortunately, her younger brother and only surviving family member is a conman with his fingers in every stupid decision being made within a ten mile radius

xenosaurus

The brother’s name is Sal, which is short for SOMETHING but he changes his answer every time. He seems to think this qualifies as an alias, and bizarrely, it usually works. Notable ‘definitely Sal’s real name’ options include Salt, Salmon, Salamander, and Salad.

His sister’s name is Marian, occasionally called Misery Marian. It is a running joke that young characters think this is a reference to her bad attitude, but anyone who actually CALLS her that is clearly terrified of her for some unspecified reason.

xenosaurus

Sal’s got an on-again off-again business partner by the name of Kent Bardsley, who is just.... SO irresponsibly horny. Sal’s motivation is money, but Kent’s is sex. He keeps getting run out of town for sleeping with important people’s wives. He’s an idiot, but he’s not a conman like Sal, he just helps him with his schemes as an in to towns so he can visit his assortment of fuckbuddies.

The joke of Kent’s character is that the ‘apocalypse’ he’s part of is conservative scaremongering about sexual freedom destroying society. He gets a last name because while Sal calls him Kenny, Marian calls him ‘Bardsley’ with deep contempt.

xenosaurus

The fuck types of our characters so far:

Marian: fuck off

Sal: fuck you, pay me

Kent: fuck me

Cannibal Jack: what the fuck

xenosaurus

There’s an alien named Glipix who is investigating why the invasion failed and her analysis tends to boil down to ‘damn bitch you really live like this?’

Kent is really into her but his flirting goes right over her head. Marian’s the only one she respects anyways.

xenosaurus

Kent: Hey, you looking to get those eggs fertilized, beautiful?

Glipix: What pollinators are operating on this horrible planet? Did you see one? I need to speak with them if you did.

Kent: uh

xenosaurus

I have a mental image for a TV opening where it’s Marian at like. 12. watching some apocalypse happen through a window and saying “The world ended when I was a girl...” in a really serious tone, and then it pans out to show like 6 other apocalypses happening and her voice turns sarcastic and she says “about thirty fucking times, actually.”

xenosaurus

Alright here’s more content for you guys:

—Marian is 46 and spent her 20s and early 30s as a mad max style motorcycle gang member. ‘Misery Marian’ was her moniker while she was LEADING one of these gangs.

—Sal and Kent are somehow unaware of this.

—Sal’s apocalypse is capitalism. Also Godzilla.

—I’m not kidding about that, Sal and Marian’s parents were killed by a giant dinosaur that still sometimes shows up to bother Sal.

evilkitten3

i’m in love with this

teaboot

Please for the love of god write this book so i can do fanfiction of the characters in already in love with

wheeloffortune-design

I want to apologise to

- Britney for making fun of her when she had her breakdown

- Monica Lewinski for judging her when she was a 22year old temp sexually assaulted by the most powerful man in the world

- Ke$ha for ever thinking she was trashy when all she wanted to do was make party music

- Kristen Stewart for ever thinking she was dumb when she’s actually one of the coolest people ever

- Megan Fox for ever thinking she was just a slut when actually she was an actress being harassed by her employer.

- Hating all the women who made a career out of having a hot body. Being is shape is hard, beauty is a weapon and auto promotion is hard work.

- All the Mary-Sues, who exist because young girls everywhere want to be part of a story they love so much

- All the female characters I ever snobbed because they got in the way of my ship.

- Hating the color pink during my teenage years, when it’s actually a lovely color and what I resented was society’s pressure to perform femininity.

zenkaiankoku

This is what sexism does. The media runs a smear campaign against women. And when we were younger we knew no better and trusted them. Now we know better.

richardgoranski

this is just. so fucking funny to me

cosmic-m-b

It's funnier when you consider that Weird Al tweeted this in response.

blasting-silence

Animals With Unusual Color Mutations ❤️

ʙɪᴄᴏʟᴏʀᴇᴅ ᴘᴇᴀᴄᴏᴄᴋ

ᴋɪɴɢ ᴄʜᴇᴇᴛᴀʜ

sᴘᴏᴛʟᴇss ᴄʜᴇᴇᴛᴀʜ

ᴘɪᴇʙᴀʟᴅ ᴄʀᴏᴡ

ʙʀᴏᴡɴ ᴢᴇʙʀᴀ

sᴘᴏᴛᴛᴇᴅ ᴢᴇʙʀᴀ

ɢᴏʟᴅᴇɴ ᴢᴇʙʀᴀ

ɢᴏʟᴅᴇɴ ᴛᴀʙʙʏ ᴛɪɢᴇʀ (sᴛʀᴀᴡʙᴇʀʀʏ ᴛɪɢᴇʀ)

ʙɪᴄᴏʟᴏʀᴇᴅ ᴄᴀʀᴅɪɴᴀʟ

ʙʀᴏᴡɴ ᴘᴀɴᴅᴀ

ʙʟᴏɴᴅᴇ ᴇʟᴋ

ɢᴏʟᴅᴇɴ ᴍᴏɴɢᴏᴏsᴇ

ᴇʀʏᴛʜʀɪsᴛɪᴄ ʙᴀᴅɢᴇʀ

ᴇʀʏᴛʜʀɪsᴛɪᴄ ʀᴀᴄᴏᴏɴ

ᴏʀᴀɴɢᴇ ᴀʟɪɢᴀᴛᴏʀ

ᴘɪᴇʙᴀʟᴅ ᴍᴏᴏsᴇ

ᴘɪɴᴋ ᴅᴏʟᴘʜɪɴ

ᴘɪᴇʙᴀʟᴅ sǫᴜɪʀʀᴇʟ

ᴘɪᴇʙᴀʟᴅ ᴅᴇᴇʀ

sᴛʀᴀᴡʙᴇʀʀʏ ʟᴇᴏᴘᴀʀᴅ

ᴇʀʏᴛʜʀɪsᴛɪᴄ ʙʟᴀᴄᴋ ʙᴀᴄᴋᴇᴅ ᴊᴀᴄᴋᴀʟ

that-twink-over-there

Shiny Pokemon

you-had-me-at-hallow

I have a headcanon that Hermione insists her children attend some primary muggle schooling before Hogwarts, just as she had done. Now, imagine Arthur Weasley attending his grandchild’s science fair, being the ultra proud grandfather….and yet also completely geeking out over absolutely EVERYTHING.

jamiesshelves

Canon

themiscyra1983

“That is a volcano, that is a VERY SMALL VOLCANO, how - young lady, how did you make this? Baking soda and food coloring? MARVELOUS!”

worlds-of-ink-and-paper

the kids would love him.

bluefirecas

Never have I ever loved anything more than I love this

hexcoderose

All the muggle teachers would think he was being so adorable, “pretending” not to know how potato batteries and mini-volcanoes work, fawning over the hard work the kids did on even the simplest the projects. And he comes every year, because after the kids have aged out (”gone on to some boarding school in Scotland,” the teachers say over bad coffee in the break room, “they didn’t seem the type”), he gets an honorary invitation to the fair every year, because he never stops making the kids feel smart and good.

elfwreck

“And this airy-o-plane, it flies by means of a… rubber band? Did I hear that correctly? No magic at all? Doesn’t flap its wings like a bird? MARVELOUS! What an ingenious method of flight!” *looks around* “You, sir! With the ribbons! This child deserves one of those prizes!”

hamelin-born

@deadcatwithaflamethrower

This is so wholesome.

Arthur Weasley, as the Science Fair attendee we all deserve.

darthmelyanna

After a couple years Arthur Weasley brings his own ribbons. They shimmer in a way that makes everyone wonder what kind of ink he uses—“secrets!” he tells anyone who asks—but they’re beautiful. They’re coveted even more than the official ribbons, because they remind you that while he was heaping praise on you, you felt magical.

madlori

This is one of the best HP headcanons I’ve ever read.

garrettauthor

Had a drink or two tonight and this actually made me teary???

haruka-does

After a few years he keeps going and just decides to start judging except he genuinely loves everyone’s projects so much that he gives them all first prizes.