Babies On The Brain
Let's just make one thing clear - the title of this post does NOT mean I have baby fever. If you know me at all, you know that's about the most absurd thing I would ever want at this point in my life.
It does mean, however, that the thought of one day having a family of my own has started to surface. Crap.
I'm not a "kid" person. When walking into a mixed room of children and adults, I will do all in my power to find any adult to talk to so I'm not instantly sent to make small talk with a 6 year old. When babies are forced into my arms, I put on the greatest performance of a lifetime (Oscar-worthy) to show interest and motherly affection. When I was younger, my older sister was the sought-after babysitter of our family. She's now a kindergarten teacher (go figure). When I see pictures of the kids in her classroom, instead of thinking "Awwww," all I think is, "Snot. Everywhere."
Note - I don't hate children. I'm actually getting better at my interactions with them. When it's just me and them without anyone around (or just a few people) I'm good. I love to make them laugh. I love being goofy with toddlers, or rocking a peaceful, sleeping baby. Telling them crazy stories. Making them feel important. I do love that.
So why the recent baby thoughts?
1. EVERYONE AT WORK IS PREGNANT. Everyone. If they are of the male species, their wives are pregnant. Baby bumps are poppin' up left and right. Not to mention, my Facebook timeline has been inundated with preggers pics. LOTS OF THEM. As much as it annoys me, I also get to see a different side of this process. Seeing women with excited and joyful looks on their faces, talking about surprising their husbands and/or other kids with the good news, planning for the future. It doesn't seem so awful. (Don't worry, I've heard a lot of the AWFUL stories that come along with pregnancy, delivery and hormones... I'm not living in fantasy land here.)
2. I spent an afternoon volunteering at a kids camp for pediatric cancer patients. I didn't spend a lot of time interacting with the kids, but even by just helping out in the cafeteria I learned the strength and resilience of these 4 through 15 year olds. I worked for a year as an intern with the American Cancer Society, and have seen and heard a lot about what cancer can do to a person. Knowing and witnessing a group of 170 kids on this horrific journey, broke my heart. Knowing that this was just one camp in one state across a country and world full of kids with pediatric cancer, shattered whatever was left of my heart. The innocence of children. The evil of cancer. These things are unfathomable Yet, these kids were smiling, laughing, dancing, jumping. Some with no hair, some with hair growing back. Some with weak bodies, others with new strength. These children touched my heart and showed me that there's a whole lot more to a child than snot. There's a fighter who was sent here with a purpose to bless this world and the people in it.
3. I don't know if I can even have kids. Boom. I said it. I won't go into details, but there's a chance I won't be able to get pregnant. Right when my mind starts to change about the whole idea, I'm reminded that this may be something I don't get to experience. It's not a for sure thing, but it's a possibility, which means my mind will fixate on it. I start to think about all the people I might disappoint one day, and how the one thing I'm suppose to be able to do naturally, may not come naturally at all.
What do I need to remember when I hit this depressing fixation? The fact that I'm not in control. The fact that if God has a plan for me to have kids, he will make it happen no matter what the statistics say. The fact that families aren't just made up of people who share your DNA, but are glued together through love. The fact that millions of children out there are in need of a good home, and it may be me (and a supportive, loving, awesome future husband) who are called to adopt one or more of them. The fact that I just need to have faith and trust that everything will turn out the way it is supposed to turn out.
So, yes. Babies have been on the brain. That's where they will stay for now. There's a whole list of other things that need to happen first. I'm very aware of that.
That being said, I do want to start a family one day. I will love and nurture my future children to become compassionate, independent thinkers with a heart for people and a foundation for a relationship with God. One day. Thankfully, not today.















