The Slivers of Life

Joy Ann Myer (pen-name) is a 20-something woman. Here are different poems from moments in my life both good and bad. All I ask is that you share these with due credit and respect that my emotions are valid.

[roselarkpublishing]

So... we make covers.

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People do judge a book by their cover and these are for those who are looking for some spice. All of our covers are exclusive and are just waiting for the title of your book and author's name. Interestingly, all of these would be usable for LGBTQIA+ or Het romance or erotica.

Check them out!

[thebibliosphere]

This is more of a problem on Facebook and Twitter, but there are some fellow authors who get a tad... upset when you talk about money and royalty earnings.

Needless to say, my frankness about how royalties work and just how little many of us are earning from our labor has drawn the ire of a few people, even here on Tumblr.hell.

I'm not particularly bothered by this. In my view, they're the same people who won't discuss wages in the workplace because they don't want anyone else to earn what they do. They know the system is unfairly rigged, but they like it that way because they're scared if more people are educated about how things work, they'll lose whatever competitive edge they think they have, thus enforcing the status quo.

Needless to say, I don't care for this view.

I'm very much a "holy shit, two cakes" kind of creator. I also very firmly believe in pulling people up behind me and spreading the wealth of information that was shared freely with me by other like-minded individuals who also believe that the mysteries around publishing are gatekeeping bullshit and everyone deserves the chance to earn money from their creative endeavors, not just the people who can afford to.

Anyway, David Gaughran's 'Let's Get Digital: How To Self-Publish And Why You Should' is an invaluable resource for indie authors and provides great insight into how publishing and distribution work. It is available for free through the retailers listed on his website.

If you don't want to publish exclusively through Amazon, draft2digital.com does global ebook and also paperback distribution. (I've only used it for ebooks, but I'll be trying out their paperback options for my next book.) You can pair it up with a books2read account to create easy-to-post buy links. Draft2Digital also allows for distribution through library lending services like Overdrive. So that's neat. (NB: if you use d2d, you can't use Kindle Unlimited, so be aware of what links you have active and where if you decide to enroll in KU. You can always opt for wide distribution again once your KU time expires.)

D2D also recently partnered with FindawayVoices.com for audiobook distribution. You can find voice actors there, or you can upload your own files if you already have them. You can submit to Audible through them, too, but you'll earn a pittance more if you upload directly through Audible. Findaway also allows for library lending distribution through Libby and several other global equivalents.

If you need ISBNs, you can buy them cheaper in bulk from Bowker at myidentifiers.com

Individual storefront options like Payhip.com and Gumroad.com are also great ways to allow people to buy directly from you, though I soured on Gumroad after the whole NFT thing and their CEO harassing people on Twitter over it. Payhip is now my preferred storefront, and as an added bonus, they calculate VAT in European countries as well, so that's one less thing for me as an indie author to work out. As an added bonus, Payhip can be directly integrated into your author website if you have one. It's a feature I'll be implementing soon.

itch.io also allows for the sale and distribution of ebook files, though I haven't used it yet.

If you don't have the means to hire a cover designer or the means to do it yourself in photoshop, Canva.com has some decent-ish ebook templates. Just make sure the images and fonts you're using have the right licenses for commercial use.

Editing and formatting are also extremely important, though I know not everyone can afford them. If you can, I highly suggest doing so and shelling out extra to have them format your work across mediums. Ebook formatting is different from paperback formatting, and it can look very strange if you just try to format an ebook into a pdf. It is a skill you can teach yourself (plenty of youtube videos) if you really want to, but I prefer to throw money at my editors, who provide formatting as an additional service. Whatever you can afford to do to streamline the process is money well spent.

Also, do not be shy about using affiliate links to sell your work. Authors lose a solid chunk of money to places like Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Apple, etc., in distribution fees. Whatever pennies you can scrape back through affiliate links for directing traffic to those sites is hard-earned--and it is literal pennies sometimes. You can also integrate any affiliate links you do have into draft2digital, so they auto-generate, which is handy.

When it comes to paperbacks, BookShop.org offers the best affiliate earnings, and a percentage of the sale goes toward supporting indie bookstores. They do not take that percentage from your earnings, they pay it themselves. Libro.FM is the audiobook equivalent of BookShop.org, and they also give a percentage of sales to supporting indie book stores.

Anyway, I hope that helps someone. Good luck out there.

Also, if you're the person who sent me the irate email about "giving away trade secrets," feel free to die mad about it. 😘

[thebibliosphere]

Another day another email from an "influencer hub" wanting to "help" me monetize and promote classes on the basics of how to publish books. Not a writing process class, a literal admin 'how to upload your shit' class.

So here you go.

Your periodic reminder that all of this information is available for free, even if it's sometimes a little daunting to process all at once.

Good news, you can do it all in little steps.

[joy-ann-myer]

It's Okay

It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be mad. It's okay to cry. It's okay to sigh. It's okay to have bad days, Hours, minutes, and nights. It's okay to feel weak. It's okay to be weak And let yourself rest. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to be tired. It's okay to miss someone And it's okay not to. It's okay to have a crush. It's okay to just be friends. It's okay to fall in love. It's okay not to find romance. It's okay to feel heartbroken And it's okay to let your heart heal. It's okay to be female. It's okay to be male. It's okay to be neither Or somewhere in between. It's okay to be young. It's okay to be old. It's okay to be tall. It's okay to be small. It's okay to be thin. It's okay to be fat. It's okay to be anywhere between the extremes. It's okay to rest. It's okay to want help. It's okay to feel lonely. It's okay to feel crowded. It's okay to want love, Family, friends, or none of that. Most of all, It's okay to be you For that is how I love you.

[joy-ann-myer]

Please

My Beloved Who yet to be by my side, I miss you. My heart longs To be grasped close, Safe from the world And my own fears. I want to share My darkest secrets Deepest scars And fragile heart With you. Your smile provides A sunshine-like warmth.

Yet I am stuck. Frozen by fear And the very scars That I want to share.

My heart has been Beaten, Bruised, Thrown away, Trampled, Ripped to shreds, And yet it survives.

I just am scared To trust you Because then you Could absolutely break me. I’m not sure I could survive that. Feel so weak Even though the past Shows my strength And will to survive.

I cannot let go Of control yet. It may be cliché But it truly is me And not you. I’m scared to trust again.

Memories of my past Flash in my mind As old pain Boils forth. My brokenness Cannot be hid And I don’t want to hide.

I want to be loved For myself, Brokenness and all.

But I am not ready To reach out For your hand yet.

I am sorry.

Please believe in me.

Hold your hand out And help me to rise.

Please.

[joy-ann-myer]

Scars

Maybe, just maybe Someday soon or far away I will tell you Of the scars I bear. The ones that can’t be seen. Not of ripped skin, But of torn mind. That still ooze With pain And frustration So many years later. Scars that never Ever Seem to truly fade And that I must rip As I grow, To move forward, To hope that One day, Someday, They will fade fully away. That day Is not today. On this day Memories flash by. A list of pain, Of crimes against Me. Dark shadows, Years old, Cloud my eyes, As my mind Remembers And my body tenses. Hunted in the halls after school, (Have to remember that is no more), Touched and grabbed in choir, (They can’t get me anymore), Attacked with perfume for not being girly enough, (She had no right to judge), Nasty chants between classes, (All lies, as anyone could see), Shamed for being “weird” and abnormal, (I was just being me), Guidance counselor believed the bullies, (She was a bitch), Silent tears in the bathroom, (I never gave them the satisfaction of my crying), Thrown away by a best friend when a better one came along, (Was she ever truly my friend?), Drowning in depression, unable to look at myself in a mirror, (Did no one see my pain?), Hounds of anxiety nipping at my heels, (I couldn’t stand up for myself). For a minute Or more All I can feel are my scars. All I can see Are the ghosts of the past. My ears fill With whispers Of cruel words past. When the darkness Ebbs just for a bit I fight back. My battle may be a losing one, At least for today, But I strive to win this war And to break free Someday Sooner than later, I hope, You will be shown These bloody invisible scars And aid in my healing By accepting me. For this I pray, Dream for, And hope to see As I battle my shadows At the core of my scars.

[joy-ann-myer]

My mask is in place

Muscles strain and nerves sing. An awareness of being an outlander Fills the mind And the body reacts. Logic says it should be fine, Racing heart says to run, Instinct says to hide, And duty says to socialize. I am scared. I feel alone. It hasn’t stopped since I arrived. This burden that I bear, My weakness and my shame, Unknown to all those around me. The shackles that bind Hand, foot, tongue, and mind. Not used to such closeness; City walls closing in. Darkness in my mind surges forth Invisible to all But me. That depression and anxiety. I wish I could trust, Fully and without worry, Those I call coworker And friend. My fear is that I will be mocked Or told it is all in my head. It has happened before. Why else do you think I have trust issues? Even more difficult to open up now, With the flight instincts so string. Luckily, or not, Most cannot see the agitation And think that I like a still body of water. My mask is in place; Forced instinct ready prepares me to be chipper. I didn’t suffer for 12 years And not gain survival tactics, Harsh as that it. At least there is a tiny bit of peace Flowing through this pen. Silent words, Bearing witness to my pain. Invisible but potent, And below the quiet surface.

[joy-ann-myer]

I need to see you

I need to see you I need to hear your voice To bask in your presence I need to see you

I feel so lost So confused I remember the spark we had I just want to feel it again

Why do you make me wait Just give me the answer already Blow away all other guys I need to see you

Though I barely know you Everything seems to fit so well Never have I felt such a spark Why can’t I see you now

Closer guys tempt emotions I fight to stay loyal No temporary emotions will beat me It’s you I want to see

I don’t care about our age difference I only go after those I like You’re the first I’ve ever pursued I want to see you

Damn it man, do you hear me I have been so impatient I need to see you I need you by my side

[joy-ann-myer]

A Confession

I like you. Over these past few months of just talking I have simply fallen for you. Every new little bit I learn about you makes me happy. I can talk to you about anything and everything. Long distance relationships are tough. Our families are close. We have different beliefs. We are 8 years apart in age. I don’t bloody care. What I care about is you. What I want to know is what you think. How you feel and if I have a chance, Because if not, just let me know. I have reached the point where it is more painful not to know Than to be turned down. Though of course I hope you say yes. Just tell me what you honestly think.

[joy-ann-myer]

My dear friend

I hope that someday you see these words. I stand alone, now Waiting To see what will happen To our trembling friendship. Words have flown, Bitter and sweet. Now we are silent I must wait. Wait, pray, and hope, Fighting the drag of despair. Regret is not the right word. I just want to see you, To hug you close And whisper That you are precious like gold. Please know your own worth, Hidden as it may be from you. I miss you. And I want to care for you As you have supported me. Then I wonder How badly have I hurt you this time? With words, Such words Meant to show your specialness, To pop that black cloud, The depression That gathers around you. Do you, [I fear asking this] Do you hate me now? After all, I didn’t listen To those painful pleas To abandon you. Sorry, but I still believe That you are worth the pain, Worthy of having as a friend. To be loyal to And never abandon. Please, don’t make me leave. I can’t leave you, My best friend. I’m just as broken as you. The only difference in our cracks Is simple. My choice to fight Came six months ago And I’ve been climbing Out of this inky darkness Ever since that breakthrough. Come join me And we will climb together Smile together And grow into Awesome old ladies. Sisters in Christ, Sisters in spirit, Sisters in heart, Or at the very least Best friends again. Please. Answer me, My dear friend.

[joy-ann-myer]

I look completely normal

I saw my appearance In a bathroom mirror. A thought, So quick and light That I doubted the depth, Sprang forth In an oddly positive way “I look completely normal” And I love that. Not for the normalness Or because I blend in. But because, I know what is inside This normal shell. I’ve stuffed in…. A poet. Someone who spins stories. An independent thinker. An adventurer. A lady of cats. One who sings. A code creator, editor and fixer. Best friend. Loyal companion. Someone who dances in the kitchen. With a mop too! A person with eyes As wide as the night sky. A Christian believer. A scientist of physics Whose emotions run deep. A girl who sees All the connections And a woman Who wants her own connection. There’s a hero And a villain. Don’t forget the artist, Cook, maid, and drudge. So many things, people, places and their stories. All the bright colors. Dancing, Crying, Laughing, And all the other human elements. Just bursting in my mind, Waiting to come forth, To escape This normal shell And dazzle the world In their own unique ways. The best part is No one else can see them But I. For I look completely normal Til I open my mouth, Take up a pen, Place my fingers at the keyboard, And let you in.

[joy-ann-myer]

I see you in my head

I see you in my head Dancing among my thoughts Just as you always do My beloved, my friend So far away Yet so near in my heart Each of your smiles So brilliant and bright More precious than diamonds I see them calling to me And I just have to ask What do you see? Oh my beloved, When you see me Do you see who I used to be Or who I am today Looking at you I see a man Tall and strong In both strength and faith Loyal to his family and friends Duty bound A future One so sweet So what do you see in me? Do your smiles hint something more? This life is so chaotic My fears bloom and flourish Unless I cut them down Armed with fact, logic, hope So please, my beloved Speak Give me the weapons To cut Destroy And decimate these fears That our time, That precious thing, Is never going to happen No life together None Not a single day together In which I may call you my own And that you can claim me. ‘Tis one wish I pray for nightly To be your match For these feelings This future To be real Part of God’s plan A simple prayer One I hold so dear To be standing at the end In those golden years With you holding my hand As you always have In my dreams, My beloved

[joy-ann-myer]

Panic

choking, strangled, trapped words tumble stuck inside no way out the emergency button fails pressure builds drums play loud beating inner walls panic comes never pausing no release is present fear, fear, fear spins and consumes outside is still waters hiding chaos inside still no freedom still no escape when will I fly free?

[joy-ann-myer]

You should have known better

You should have known better I TRUSTED YOU You were, are, seven years older I was only twenty You acted like you cared That I was more than just a friend We talked about everything I was foolish I let you change my beliefs My morals I let go of who I was to become something for you We talked dirty Something that only a couple should do You told me it was normal I believed you I thought it meant you liked me It lasted over six months You treating me this way I gave up sleep, my grades So much time and energy I thought it was love I thought you loved me I loved you I let you see into the corners of my mind I thought I knew all of you. I was wrong You were wrong You should have known better Talking to me Trying to turn me on with ideas Slowly eating away my guard Enjoying it too, you enjoyed it Maybe it was a power symbol to you Having a younger female Innocent, clueless in most ways To corrupt, taint and introduce To the seductive, dark side of sex I must have lucked out to live so far away Otherwise… well, I was dumb I would have let you dominate me I even dreamed of it Now all it does is bring me shame How could I let myself fall so far You wouldn’t even consider dating me I was, am, “family” Who talks to their family like that? You hurt me You are still hurting me We are never going back to that point You bloody fucking hurt me And never apologized Never manned up Just called me “family” And acted as if all was normal

Bastard.

[joy-ann-myer]

It Hurts

It hurts This pain I cannot name Not in a simple few words Pain that wants tears It stems from life All aspects Twisting my heart Silently, so silently Blinding me to reality It wants tears Tears to cleanse Tears to free it I cannot cry So locked down am I Tonight I can barely Just barely Admit to this Words from another Dressed as a tale Someone I have never met May not ever met Fit the lock And opened thee Tears rise high Higher than in quite a while But still do not come Yet I am shaken By that tale So bitter sweet My soul resonates with it And yet curses itself I lack the strength To be truly brave And bare the one thing I try so hard to protect The thing that always Always always always Takes the blows of life Me So I feel the pain It is trapped Push, I push Trying to let go Of all the words All the words trapped “I miss you I like you Why do you hurt me so I do not like that I do not agree I do not like you No I will not I refuse I do not like myself” Waiting For the dam to break It needs to break It breaks

[joy-ann-myer]

Take My Hand

Take my hand It will be okay I will not let you fall

I have so much That I just want to show you That you need to see

I see us clicking Laughing and teasing Won’t you take my hand?

You don’t like touching Out of respect Out of shyness

It is safe You have my heart I will be there

I know you That you hold yourself To such high standards

Take my hand It is safe Feel my heart beat

I am waiting Just reach out Take that final step

I will wait For you even longer The choice is up to you

Lift an arm Smile And please, take my hand

[joy-ann-myer]

Please Don’t Forget Me

Please don’t forget me You are leaving so soon This chapter of life Is over for you But to me Who has to wait Another long year

I look at you Secretly, Wishing, oh wishing That I could come along Make sure you are never alone You told me once That it is your greatest fear

I regret a few things Such as Not knowing you sooner Focusing on one Who was so bad for me And not being brave Not brave enough to confess All these affections for you

Please don’t forget me I am terrified of that I want to cry So often at this change Which comes with no stopping I am so vivid And yet all seem to forget me Will you?

3 weeks That is all that is left Before the change Before a new journey for you While I am tapped behind Waiting, wanting, wishing Feeling invisible

You hide emotions surprisingly well Or perhaps It is shyness That hides any affection You hold towards me That is more than a friend Or maybe….. you just don’t

Is it so hard to see? My affection for you Notes of encouragement That no one else receive Teasing and pranks More numerous than Any I have played before

My own cowardice Chains me from speaking Those three simple words I like you And the sweet torment continues As I watch you Waiting For a sign

Now you are leaving The summer comes But you won’t be back Come lonesome autumn I stand still Unsure of what to do Please, please, please Don’t forget me

[joy-ann-myer]

What I would Say To You

What I would say to you, Ket, If I could say anything at all Not having to worry About repercussions

Ket, I would say….

….That you make me smile When no one else can And your smile That stupid, smug grin Makes me feel happy Every time I see it….

….I love when we bicker Really, it’s our way of flirting There is no malice Just warm humor And darting sarcasm As we try to top the other….

….You make me feel safe I know you have my back Grumpy you may act But I have seen you watch over us The anger at those who are rude To those who you care about….

….Thank you, thank you For being there with me In the dark times Even if it was just via cell phone Giving me strength Comforting me And reminding me of God’s strength….

….I love your stories Any of them, really Stories of your life before we met Stories of the days we are apart I just love your stories Since they reveal new parts of you to me….

….Your love of God inspires me To see you grow emotional [for you] Caused by the power of God’s grace In your life over the years And how He changed you I become so thankful to know you….

….The fact that you are geeky Perhaps even more than me You hide it well at first But soon it rises up And we can talk about storylines, plots and characters You school me in knowledge of directors though….

….I am so happy to have met you I truly believe God placed you In my life, a year ago, For a purpose Whether friend, lover or brother I can’t wait to find out!