sometimes I wonder if the episcopal church is real. i wonder if it's possible to really connect with christ and receive the eucharist outside of the roman catholic church. i wonder if i'm only episcopalian because of my ego, that would allow me to think that i know better than God.
there are certainly many devout episcopalians, but i've also met some who are more... culturally christian and religiously atheist. this isn't a statement of judgement on those people - if that's what's most comfortable and safe to them, i respect it, and many of them do appreciate the bible and like to discuss interpretations of it, so i can understand why they'd seek a christian community and appreciate them being in it. but i also sometimes feel extra crazy for the amount of more supernatural beliefs that i have.
i'm caught in a tension where i do care about theological rigor and being connected to a real tradition, but i've also seen the harm that rigid doctrine around things like sexuality, birth control, and divorce can cause, and i just don't feel that a loving God would want that harm to take place. and... it's also that i personally have little desire for an earthly romantic or sexual partner, and while i'm a trans man, i also tend to present more masculine and often am able to pass. so if i never told anyone that i'm trans, i suppose i could engage with the catholic church and be seen as a regular cis guy who's choosing celibacy for some reason. but doing that feels wrong to me, if they wouldn't also accept people who are in gay relationships and who don't follow gender norms in their presentation. it's not as if i've always passed, and fundamentally it just feels like lying. it's not that i think everyone i meet needs to know that i'm trans (i actually like being stealth), but if they'd be disgusted by me if they knew, i don't think that's somewhere i should be.
i also deal with a lot of self hatred and often feel that God would want me to be a woman and i should try to do conversion therapy.
anyway, i turned to Jesus on this. he's almost always extremely gentle with me, but what frustrates him is hypocrisy. i asked him where all these churches get their authority, and he said they get it from him. he asked me if i truly think everyone who isn't roman catholic will go to hell, and kind of subtly pointed out how i had taken issue with that idea before and how religions of other cultures can be demonized.
he told me that if i want to be catholic, i should convert because i want to, but not out of fear. he said he doesn't want fear.
i understand mystical experiences are highly subjective, and no one is obligated to believe this, of course. i sometimes hear a voice in my head that i attribute to him but i don't think i'm a prophet or channeling new religious teachings or anything like that.
i thought about how i'm black and the many forms black religion takes. black catholics do exist, of course, and i've actually considered attending a black catholic parish in my city that has support for the lgbt community on their website. but i was thinking more about african traditional religions and how they've touched black christianity. african traditional religions are, of course, very complex, but they're primarily based on oral tradition and ancestry. it's not that there are no guard rails and people make up whatever they want, but the way that looks is often very different from how some christian denominations function. then there’s the syncretism. in the US, this takes the form of hoodoo which isn’t uniform at all and has many different variations. in the african continent, african initiated churches are being created that combine african traditions with Christianity. do i think all of these people, including all of my ancestors are in or are going to hell? no, i don’t think so
so... if i don't think a religion has to be rigid and legalistic to contain truth, what’s the problem? well, I’m usually stuck in bed and don’t have much of a community or many social skills. i’m on a lot of discord servers and i talk to the priest of the church that i’m loosely associated with about some of my mystic experiences, though. i think maybe if i felt less unmoored and more of a sense of belonging somewhere, maybe i wouldn’t spiral about these things so much.
