I donât know why Iâve been obsessively thinking about the concept of âgaydarâÂ
Actually no itâs because a straight family member used the term likeÂ
âoh I have really great gaydarâÂ
and it made me feel really grossÂ
and it took me like a full hour to realize why.Â
When heterosexual people say that,Â
it feels like theyâre bragging about their ability to clock us, you know?Â
like a straight person is telling me that they can spot us queers at 50 pacesÂ
and iâm immediately going to be uncomfortable with that,Â
whereas when other queer folks talk about being able to spot each otherÂ
itâs a tool for survival.Â
Like hereâs the thing right?Â
being able to tell is important sometimes.
Â
A couple summers ago I was in a very very small town in Nova Scotia, CanadaÂ
(like 6 buildings small)Â
and I met a woman in the library who was probably a little older than my actual mother.Â
She was there most days using the wifiÂ
because she lived across the street in an apartment without internet.Â
We sat at the same table a few times and spoke briefly about life in passingÂ
and after a few of these not-talking-about-gay-stuff convos I was pretty sure she was a part of the lgbtq communityÂ
and I slipped in a casual pronoun re: an exÂ
and she just looked at me,Â
and said âoh thank fuck, I thought so.âÂ
and instantly started talking about her girlfriend,Â
it was like this huge wave of relief washed over both of usÂ
because we were in a small rural town and both hovering in this really queer space and unable to talk about it.Â
Anyway she was really rad and took me to the closest big town to buy me a tim hortons coffeeÂ
because she found it reprehensible that I had been in canada for more than 3 weeks already and hadnât ever had it.Â
Almost instantly it was likeÂ
âoh okay we have this thing in common that other people may not be cool withÂ
but we can actually exist and not hide shit without the fear of violence or angerâ
but when itâs a straight person
theyâre pretty much just letting you know that they can spot the fact that you seem âabnormalâ to themÂ
thanks for letting me know.Â