So I finally got to hear this voice line from Astarion:
In a thousand years, when I’ve all but forgotten how to love again, you’ll flit back into my heart, and I’ll weep wondering what happened to my mad love. ~Astarion
And inspiration struck.
I am not a writer in any way, but I just had this idea stuck in my head that I couldn't get out.
So here's a fix-it of some sort.
Please be kind?
A lone angel sat at the edge of a galaxy once known as the Milky Way as he stared at the black hole in the center of it. The giant star known as the Sun had finally collapsed and his father's creations that had once named these things were long gone. A long, long time ago he had fought with every fiber of his being for those creations. They were called humans. He had once loved the humans. They had, at one point, been fascinating creatures to the angel but now he felt nothing for them. He felt numb, hollow, dare he say
Empty
He stared at the remnants of the galaxy for a very long time. Never moving, never speaking. Not even when the entity he once called his son appeared before him in an attempt to coax him home. It almost worked until he said the word home.
He believed he didn't belong in that place, Heaven was for those who earned it. What had he done to deserve to be in heaven? He was only an angel, nothing special or important, was that supposed to be enough?
Was he to believe that despite his mistakes, the lives he took, the ones he failed to save, everything was supposed to be forgiven? He thought that was bullshit. He didn't want to be in heaven, but it was easier for him to believe he didn't deserve it.
A long time after the entity left, the angel stared longingly at the edge of the black hole where a planet called Earth had once existed. That was where the humans had once resided, before their greed and complacency won in killing the planet.
He supposed that was the better ending.
Those stupid things, feelings as the humans called them, erupted from deep within his chest as he let himself remember his time on the planet Earth. The things he did and the creatures he met were at the forefront of those memories.
Memories of a human called Dean flitted into his heart.
Dean was destined by the angel's father to destroy the world long before its eventual demise. He was a stubborn man though and he utterly refused to take part in the so-called apocalypse. The angel gripped his chest as he remembered.
Dean had done a lot of good in his life. He had stopped so much evil from taking over not only the world but also from the lives of the people around him. Most importantly though was the fact that he had taught the angel how to feel.
Dean taught the angel how to care for the lives around him, how to feel angry for the things he could change, and how to love.
He had loved the angel despite all of the angel's faults, and the angel had loved him.
The angel had loved him so much that he sacrificed everything, including his life, for Dean. But he had lied to Dean up until the moment of his death, and for that he could never face him again.
That was the real reason he avoided heaven, but that was too hard for him to admit.
His heart ached as he thought about Dean, his brain tormented him with thoughts of what could have been between them. Tears streamed down the angel's face as he sobbed.
Mourning the loss of his love for the first time since he'd died for Dean the last time after telling himself that he didn't need to have Dean's love. Lying once again that he was happy just knowing that he'd told Dean he loved him.
The angel wept as he replayed every moment of Dean from his memory.
He wept as he mourned what could have been.
He wept softly as he felt for the first time since he'd heard of Dean's death and fled from Heaven.
Once his heart had slowly stopped aching and tears no longer flowed from his eyes, the angel stared once again at the black hole in the center of the dying galaxy.
No longer feeling anything.
He was once again numb, hollow,
Empty
He would have stared longer at the ever expanding astronomical body as it continued to absorb the former Milky Way, but he was interrupted by the entity from earlier.
“Leave me alone, Jack. Please, this is where I belong." The angel pleaded to what he thought was his adopted child.
“No can do, Cass." A different, equally familiar, unmistakable voice spoke.
“Dean?" The angel spun around to face the voice.
" Well, I'd say in the flesh but uh, I don't exactly know what I'm made of.” Dean smiled at Castiel.
An awkward smile.
The kind of smile you use when you know there's about to be a long and emotional conversation. The kind of awkward smile reserved for when you don't know what to say or do. The awkward kind of smile saved for someone you haven't seen in an eternity.
" I'm sorry, Dean.” Cass broke the eerie silence.
" What are you sorry for?” Dean shook his head softly. " Telling me that you loved me and then fucking dying?”
"I-”
" I'm not finished.” Dean interrupted. "You go off on this big ol’ speech, at the end you tell me that you love me, immediately after you're taken by the Empty, and then I come to find out Jack busted your ass out almost immediately but I don't hear from you, at all.”
Cass hung his head as Dean spoke, he knew Dean would be upset with him. That was one of the justifications he used for not going and seeing Dean, actually it was his favorite one.
“Even now, it's radio silence from you." Dean continued. “I spent over a thousand years waiting for you to come back, but now that I'm here you're still wanting to avoid me. I can see it in your eyes, you want nothing to do with me.”
"That is not true.” Castiel glanced up at Dean. “I want nothing more than to be with you, Dean. I cannot be with you out of guilt."
“What?"
“I lied to you, Dean." Cass said. “I cannot count how many times, but I lied to you about the Empty and about how I felt about you. And I selfishly waited to tell you about both until right before the Empty took me, so I would not have to deal with those consequences."
" Is that what you think?” Dean scoffed. "Billie was up our asses, if she had broken that sigil on the door and you hadn't done what you did, Sammy and I wouldn't have defeated Chuck.”
“I should have told you-"
“Yeah, you should have fucking talked to me. You should have told me about that fucking deal when you made it." Dean snapped. “You also should have told me how you felt long before the Empty could have used that against us."
“Dean, I didn't-"
“I love you too, Cass!" Dean yelled. “You didn't even consider that maybe, just maybe, I felt the same way about you! You talked so much about how I thought I didn't deserve to be loved when it turns out you fucking didn't either!"
“I'm so-"
“The next words out of your mouth better not be another fucking apology." Dean shook his head.
“I wanted to keep you safe, Dean." Cash sighed. “I thought that if I didn't say anything I could keep you safe. You matter too much to me, Dean. After everything happened and Jack brought me back, I was going to say something. I went to the bunker but I saw the look on your face with the dog and Sam, I thought my presence would only complicate things. I see now that my absence made things worse."
“Cass," Dean sighed. “I won't lie to you and say that everything is fine. I'm really fucking mad at you for lying about the Empty and then disappearing for 1000 years, but at the same time I can't stay mad at you. I spent forever wondering what happened to you, wondering if what you said was true, and waiting for you to come back to me."
“I really am sorry, Dean." Castiel said softly.
“No more apologies, Cass." Dean said softly as he moved closer to Castiel. “The next words out of your mouth better be a proper declaration of love."
“I-I love you, Dean." Castiel said softly as he stared at Dean. “From the moment I saw your soul in hell and raised you from perdition. You taught me so many good things, Dean. You taught me how to think for myself, how to live and most importantly how to love. You stayed by my side through every hardship in our lives. Through the leviathans, the Mark of Cain, the fall of the angels, everything. When I heard of your death at the hand of vampires, I didn't believe it. I knew my Dean, my Dean, would never have fallen to something so beneath him. I panicked, I thought maybe you'd changed drastically and that maybe you would no longer want anything to do with me. I ran, stupidly, and have allowed myself to hide at the edge of a dying galaxy instead of facing the man I love. For 1218 days, 13 hours, 12 minutes and 23 seconds, I hid far away from my feelings for you, Dean. I'm sorry for running, I’m sorry for hiding, and I'm sorry for not staying by your side. I love you, more than anything in existence, and I would be honored if you would still have me.”
" Oh angel, I have waited for so long to hear those words from you.” Dean pulled Castiel into him and wrapped his arms around the angel. "Of course I'll still have you.”
Castiel melted into Dean's touch and wrapped his arms around the former hunter as relief finally washed over him. He wept in the arms of his lover as Dean just held him and gently rubbed his back. As Castiel finally calmed down and the tears subsided, Dean pulled away and looked at him with nothing but care in his eyes. Dean leaned forward and gently placed a kiss on Castiel's forehead before pulling away once more.
“Feel better?" Dean asked.
“Yes, much better." Castiel responded.
“Are you ready to come home?" Dean asked gently.
Home.
"Yeah, I'm ready.” Castiel smiled as he intertwined his hand with Dean's.
" Alright Jack, we're ready.” Dean smiled at Castiel.
Castiel smiled as wings, his wings from before the fall, sprouted from his back. He glanced at Dean who dawned his own brilliant and beautiful pair. Dean leaned toward Castiel and gently kissed him on his lips.
" I've waited over a thousand years for that.” Dean smiled.
“You will never have to wait again.” Cass smiled as he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Dean before planting his lips on Dean's.
“Let's go Cass, I know quite a few people back home that are waiting to see you again." Dean smiled.
" Let's go.” Castiel smiled as the pair set off for Heaven.
Heaven still didn't feel like home to the angel, he didn't believe it ever would, but Dean on the other hand? Dean felt like home. Dean was his home.
Wherever Dean is, that's home for Castiel.
And he's okay with that.
