Sad

Nobody cried/ nobody even noticed

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

“And just like that, I feel you slipping between my fingers. And just like that, my heart shatters once more.”

(Photo from Pinterest)

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

I’m scared to love again. I’m scared to be hurt again. I love with all my heart and I only get it broken more and more by people who claim they’ll never do it. What will make you so different? You’ll say the same shit.. that you’ll never hurt me, that youlll never leave me, that you’ll stay through the thick and the thin... but will that actually happen? Because, honey, you’re just another way for me to get broken again.

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

Three weeks

Three weeks and I got nothing. Three weeks and I started to heal myself. Three weeks and I started to feel okay again. Three weeks and I was beginning to be myself again. Three weeks and you decided to come back. Three weeks since my world shifted. Three weeks since you disappeared. Three weeks since i heard from you. Three weeks... and now you decide to come back with not apology and explanation? Three weeks and I can’t take you back... no matter how much I miss you.

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

Waiting and hurting

You said such sweet things to me. You said you cared about me. That you would help me. That you wouldn’t hurt me. And yet here you are, hurting me so badly. You say we were moving too fast, but when I asked if I still had your heart, you gave me no real answer. And then you left. For days and days and days. Leaving me here... just waiting. Waiting and festering in the hurt you’re causing me. Waiting and hurting. I’ve called, texted, messaged, everything I could think of to get your attention... yet here I am.. still no answers and still.... waiting and hurting

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

I fell in love again

I fell in love again, and this time it went quick. The emotions, the falling, the steps, everything went so quickly. And now I’m anxious. Anxious bc I’m afraid of how much I already care for yoh. Anxious because of everyone that had left before you. Anxious because I don’t want to be feeling like I’m losing you. Anxious because... I think I already love you. I’m anxious because... I haven’t loved anyone like you.

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

You left me for her

You left me for her

But the funny thing is

You had left her for me

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

The most painful part of all of this... I knew I should’ve never fell for you.

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

I hate the feeling of being happy for a good while and then something comes along to make you question your happiness. Do I deserve to be this happy?? Do I deserve this person’s love?? Do I deserve anything good?? No. The answer, after overthinking for hours and hours on end, will always end up no. And then I get to a position of crying and having such a crippling sense of saddness that drives me to a fetal position and hurts. It hurts so much. I just want to be happy again...

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

I’m content with where I am but DAMN do I just wanna be loved SO BADLY that it almost is depressing. But ya know, I don’t need someone to make me happy but having someone sure would help, ya know?

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

I just want to feel loved. Like, I know my friend and family love me, but I want the kind of feeling where I get butterflies he messages. I want the feeling of my heart racing in anticipation of a meeting or a kiss. I want the feeling of feeling secure in an embrace. I want to feel comfortable with someone again. The type of comfort that I can tell every thought to them and they still love me anyway. I just want to feel like I matter to someone again. And I want it to be reciprocated. Because I love with all my heart.. but you only will love me with not even a percent. I guess I just miss the feeling of such a connection.

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

I need to stop putting myself in positions that I could potentially give someone my heart and then get hurt. I need to stop being so stupid.

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

Lost in Calm

I am lost in a beautiful calm

The calm of being content

The calm of feeling whole again

Losing you, I found myself

I found myself.

I found that I love myself again.

I look in the mirror and love who I see.

I take a deep breath and sigh.

Finally...

Finally...

The calm has set me free.

I am not lost in the calm

But I have been found again.

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

Ghosted

How can you tell me pretty things, talk to me for several weeks on end, video chat with me for hours a night, spend the night with me, kiss me and hold me... only just to ghost me? How can you make me fall for you, be happy when I see you... only just to ghost me? I thought you were different. You said you thought my exes were crazy for leaving.. yet here you are. I fell for you. I fell.. for you. And I continue to fall but my heart can’t take this anymore... maybe I should let you become a ghost of what could have been..

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that I like you! That I like you i like you I like you!! I know this could be infatuation so I’m not going to say I love you. But I do like your smile. Your laugh. Your eyes. I like the way your smile forms and the way your eyes light up when you smile. I like the way you seem to be genuine with me. I like the way you make my heart flutter when your name pops up on my phone. I like the way I feel when I’m in your arms. I like the way I feel comfortable with you almost instantly. I like the way you help me when I’m down. I like how you seem to be really concerned. I think I just really like you... and I’m happy and sad about it all at once. Because what if you don’t like me too?

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

Whenever I see you, I get tingles. Whenever I see your smile, I want to smile back. But then I switch back to reality and try to realize that you couldn’t look at me the same way I do you. There’s no way. You’re too charismatic and funny not to have a millions girls on you. You’re sweet and caring, anyone would fall for you. I want to tell you, you’ve tried to get me to open up to you... but I’m scared... last time I told someone I liked them and we tried to make things work... it didn’t. So I don’t want it I hurt either of us like I’ve done again. But still, you’re smile and voice gives me tingles I can not deny.

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

Am I the only one who gets anxious about how loud my breathing is when I have headphones in?

[just-a-depressed-jellybean]

Confused

Do you like me? Do these things you do mean you actually do? Because I think I like you too. But... these thoughts plague my mind and make me feel like you’re only in it for the moment. I’m afraid because I’ve hurt people before but I don’t want to hurt you.. but what if it’s you that hurts me? What if you’re the one who makes my heart sing and me feel really happy and makes my heart skip a beat when I see you... but you decide sometime soon that you don’t want that. You don’t want to be around me or anything.. maybe I’ve just been broken too much and I’m letting my infacuation get in the way of my actual mind? I do not know. Maybe, I’m just confused..?