Discovering my new normal

After almost 5 years together, on the 28th of July 2019 the love of my life decided to walk away from me and the beautiful life we shared together. Although I am heartbroken, I know it's going to take some time but this is just me figuring out what's next and everything in between...

[poisonovs-venus]

“Fuck the pain away. I mean fuck it, drink it, shoot it, smoke it, snort it, cut it, binge it, purge it all the fuck away. Get high. Relapse. It’s what we do.”

— Nic Sheff, We All Fall Down: Living With Addiction (via crystallinecomets)

[just-incidental]

I don't know what I did to deserve you, but whatever it was I got the best thing that ever happened to me. And from the moment I saw you I knew, that forever would never be long enough for either of us.

I will miss you every day 💜

[just-incidental]

My dog is my absolute world, this week, I have to say goodbye to him and I'm not ready.

Neither is he, he looks at me scared because he knows the end is near.

We both do.

And we both don't want to let each other go.

Forever would never be enough for either of us.

And we don't know how to say goodbye, we never did.

I don't want to play God, I don't want to choose when to end his life. But I have to and it kills me, I'm literally caught between his diminished quality of life and his innate will to live.

When are we ever ready to say goodbye to the ones we love?

Never ...

[just-incidental]

My friend sent me this photo from 2013 - looking back I remember life being so much simpler.

As I've gotten older my worries have gotten heavier, my life chaotic and I think that just comes as the life situations you encounter mature.

Rent, bills, jobs, friends, relationships and family - so many different life changes and experiences.

Life feels heavy, I miss the freedom I used to have in every situation and being fearless.

My 2020 goal for the first half of the year, is to try and swim through life without constantly drowning and feeling 50 years old.

I want to be 22 again for an hour so - because the blazer, dress, clutch, messy hair and the actual tan was an absolute joy.

❤️

[just-incidental]

Meri Kirihimete

Christmas has left me feeling very uneasy this year, I never envisioned in my wildest dreams that I'd only be at one house with just my family.

Every year we'd do both my family Christmas and his. Mine the definition of excess and their's very English with homemade Christmas pies, trifle, jelly and ham.

I miss hearing life through the eyes of an 11 year old, his brother.

My favourite little person in the entire world, he's just turned 12 and about to start high school next year.

Being in the presence of family and friends is my favourite part of anything I do.

But this year there's a part of me that is inextricably missing, I'm sad but I'm hopeful.

And looking back at everything I have, I can't help but smile knowing my family and friends are healthy and happy.

I am so grateful for the life I get to live every single day 😘

[just-incidental]

It used to be my favourite day, the 21st of December every year for the past 5 years.

Until this year, my anniversary is something I still take so seriously.

It meant we had made it, through whatever the year had thrown at us and we had succeeded.

But not this year, I still believe in love and the act of giving loved and being loved. I just feel like a bit of a failure.

And, I think it hurts so much more when you never imagined your life without them once they were in it.

So may my faith be stronger than my fear this anniversary.

I'll always have a special place in my heart for him 💜

[just-incidental]

I haven't danced in a class for years but did a freestyle class the other night.

It was strange, I wanted to cry the entire time because anyone who's ever danced will know that you have to give everything physically, mentally and emotionally.

And I couldn't, it was this sinking feeling of knowing that I was holding back. The emotion that's required to dance for me comes from a place of freedom and joy.

And the sadness I experience on a day to day basis is only really visible when you do something that requires you let go.

But you can't hide in dance, there's mirrors everywhere, you see yourself from every angle and you can't avoid it like you can everything else.

And as much as I want to let go - I also I want to believe so badly that I was loved, that we loved each other and that it was real.

Here's to learning to let go so that I can dance again one heartbreaking step at a time ...

[wishing-for-deathx]

So now I spend all my days missing you and wishing that I’d never met you.

Meeting you was both a blessing and a curse.

[just-incidental]

I've been feeling lost recently - in the aftermath of finding out my ex has moved on with the girl I was told not to worry about who also used to date his best friend.

I feel genuinely in shock, who is this person I shared my life with?

The person I love would never betray a friend, even if they're no longer friends, would never treat people so badly to fuck a girl and get ahead.

I have a hard time reconciling the person I believed him to be and the person he's become.

But I guess people change and sometimes maybe, this is always who they were and maybe I was wrong to begin with?

But like Banksy says, "there is always hope..."

[just-incidental]

Heartbreak comes in many different forms - tonight for example, I was walking my dog down the street and he saw a stranger sat on some stairs and he thought it was my ex pretending to hide.

He got so happy and then that quickly faded, he realised the guy was just a stranger.

We walked about 200m down the road before I looked at him and said, "that's enough heartbreak for tonight, let's just go home..."

I then felt tears fall down my face whilst we walked home.

Just another day riding the uneasy separation wave...

[just-incidental]

I've got my best friend back, it's been so hard not having him full-time but my lifes changed so drastically.

It's so hard looking at his beautiful face whilst he stares longingly at the door waiting for my ex to come back.

I've told him that I don't think he's coming and that I'm sorry.

But that flame still burns for the both of us ...

[just-incidental]

These two bring me so much joy - it is a blessing to love and be loved by these beautiful creatures.

They always have a special place in my heart 💜

[just-incidental]

This cool kid has the same best friend since primary school who still lives in New Zealand - we don't live there anymore but they still make time to FaceTime each other every week.

His best friend's family was the first Chinese family in our town and they grew up together - they have the most wholesome conversations about golf and

[just-incidental]

So there's this girl, I call her Marcia Brady - great body but the face of when Marcia copped a football to the nose.

She lives around the corner from me and she's this girl my ex struck up a friendship with while we were together. She also, dated his best friend.

Let that sink in - she's also an average hardstyle DJ but then again my ex started to become a hardstyle/hardcore producer.

They're friendship makes sense but I've never liked her, I never liked that she lead or friend on for almost a year and has the guise of being such a "nice" person.

Conveniently, she's the reason my ex and his best friend aren't best friends anymore and now I see them out together all the time.

I never invested in her or a friendship with her because she was never our friends girlfriend, these things usually fade and you end up between two people and your friend usually misses out because of it.

So the common denominator and I crossed paths last night and she walked the fuck away which was lucky because I would've slammed her face in to the table.

The girl I was told not to worry about seems to still be be someone to worry about and I can't stand her, her behaviour or anything about her.

Simple Sunday thoughts ...

[just-incidental]

When the makeup works it just works - it may always take me an hour + to put eyelashes on but I don't care they're worth it 💜

[just-incidental]

3 months on ...

The last couple of months have been hard but I'm getting better, stronger and happier.

That doesn't mean I don't get sad sometimes, but living in the same house does that. I'll be sat here all the time and then I'll look at something and I'll smile or giggle to myself because I remembered something that we did, had done or didn't do.

I've been having more and more flashbacks as my life's improved and it's safe to say I'm still madly in love with someone who just doesn't me back.

And that's okay, I'm not ready to let go yet because I love our memories and I love my memories of us.

At the end of the day I still love someone as deeply as the day I first told him, "I like more than like you" to which he smiled and said, "I like like you too".

Yeah, I am still madly in love with a dickhead ...

[19863]

you never think youll become one of those people who goes to restaurants alone and eats alone and drives 4 hours to go chill by a lake in the middle of nowhere alone but then you do