Almost half a year ago I was raped. Yet I‘m still not over it. I thought I was sometimes, but ...
We both have the same friends, it‘s clear that I can‘t stay away from you like this. Because the fact that you raped me is a secret. Our secret... but it seems like I‘m the only one suffering. Maybe it’s because of that Stockholm syndrom thing I felt in love with you. I accepted the fact that you played with my body and my feelings even after the rape happened. U got used to it and so do I. Suddenly you had enough from me. You needed new girls to fuck so you stopped texting. When I found out I wasn‘t able to look in your eyes anymore. In the end there was this awkward silence between us... until one day. We were with our friends a bit of time has passed. I was away for a few weeks for work. We were sitting next to each other. Sharing the same ashtray I held in my hands. I had the feeling that you watched me so I looked up. The first eye contact after a long time. My body suddenly was filled with pain. Then a quiet „hi“ came out of my mouth and you answered with another „hi“ ... soft.. slowly.. I looked away.
A bit of time has passed... I thought I was healing. I was with my friends again we were sleeping together on a couch. Everyone was already asleep.. suddenly I received a message from you. I didnt know what I was feeling at the moment. Was it because he missed me? That was my deepest wish but... when I asked why you texted me you replied „time has passed now. You want to come over?“ and again I asked why... your answer was pure pain for my already broken heart. „I just want to kiss you right now. I can’t stop thinking about it. Do you want me ? Because I want you. Now.“ I was struggling, but because it hurt me so much I said. „Maybe I want to be with you.. but not tonight.“ he started to spam. After months of silence. Was he testing me? I again said not today and he finally accepted it.
A few days later you texted me again. My mind told me that there is a little chance that he actually missed me... he said he want me to come over.. just to chill, he was at a friends house so I felt safe. So I came... but when I entered the room I saw his friend stoned and asleep on the couch. You hugged me as if nothing happened.. and not a second after the hug you lay your hands on my hips and wanted me to sit down on his bed. A movie was playing so I tried to talk about the movie. I was really scared. I don‘t know why. I thought I got stronger now but I was scared. You tried to make some jokes to make me feel comfortable. I tried to start a conversation and it worked. Suddenly I felt comfortable again. I even was able to laugh. we smoked one cigarette after another. U hugged me all the time while I was sitting next to you. You kissed my hands. We cuddled, it was totally fine for me, because I missed those moments a lot. The moments when my rapist was playing the soft and sweetheart person. But deep inside I knew it was just a trick. A trick to get what he wants. And he took the chance and started to touch me. I guess he knew how scared I was. Because I was shivering.. this time.. I didn‘t count it as a rape because I never really said I didn‘t want it. He tried to be soft this time as well. But I still was in pain ... because I got the prove. You never really cared about me as a person. Maybe you never really listened to me. You just said what I wanted to hear. Because for you .. I‘m just a toy. A body he wants to own. When it was over you took out your bong and stopped when you was high enough to fall asleep immediately. I stayed a bit next to you. I was watching you sleeping. Then I tried to dress me up and you woke up. You was shocked to see my face. You looked to your sleeping friend... then again to me. Still shocked. Then you smiled and went back to sleep. I was stupid enough to thought this would mean something. I left and my brain was filled with thought. It was so filled up that I wasn‘t able to concentrate and move correctly. I wasn’t even able to recognize what was happening around me while I was walking to my car. Like my soul just left my body to overthink... but without me.
One more time you texted me and I came. Maybe this time something changed ... I thought so somehow. Story repeated itself. This time at his home. And again after you were finished you fell asleep. This time I left after 10 minutes. Running back to my friends.. no, not running. At this point I wasnt feeling anything. I was dead. I was dead inside. I could distract myself with drugs to feel alive again. It worked. But... there was one scene that was always appearing in my head. When I sat on you and I putted my hands around your neck. I thought about strungle you just like you did to me and I just did it. I liked the thought of being able to kill you, but right after you strungled me because it made you even more horny. He tooked my control over him away. And I couldn’t do anything about it.
There are this moments everything gets in my mind again. I tried to get over him. I always told myself. „He is a rapist. He is a rapist.“
But the most painful thing is... I‘m the only one knowing he‘s a rapist. And for everyone else he is that adorable person who you just have to love. And that‘s also how I got to know him. And this is hurting me the most. I know my rapist very well. He‘s a very good friend. I know his past and I know he‘s still suffering from his exgirlfriend. The most painful thing is.... I can‘t hate him. I can‘t portray him as a monster. But I remember every second of the time he raped me. How I screamed for help. How I was trying to defend myself, running away and you just put me down and continued.
I know someday I will be able to leave the past behind. To leave him behind. But I will never forget. I will never forget the pain ... physically and mentally you gave me.
Because of you I was dying. I‘m not able to feel emotions anymore. Even the pain has vanished now. To live I need to be able to feel again.
But you also gave me the experience I need to envolve. I‘m sure someday I get really strong. Someday.
Liebes Zukunftsich,
5 Jahre sind seit dem vergangen und ich beginne nun zu verstehen. Es gibt keine Monster, nur die die wir uns selbst erschaffen haben. Meine Seele war besessen von meinen Ängsten, ich war nicht mehr in der Lage klar zu sehen, denn trotz dass Zeit vergangen war damals hatte ich nicht genug Zeit um zu heilen. Am 28. Januar 2024 haben wir uns wieder gesehen und nun ist mir klar, wir sind zwillingsseelen. Wir teilen eine Seele, meine Ängste waren deine Ängste. Meine Gefühle waren deine Gefühle, doch weil ich in dir nur noch ein Monster sehen konnte habe ich es nicht verstanden. Jetzt verstehe ich. Meine Vergangenheit vor der ich so viele Jahre geflohen bin..:das Monster und mein größter Feind, war im Endeffekt mein eigenes Spiegelbild. Denn du bist mein Spiegelbild. Wir haben uns von äußeren Einflüssen noch weiter in unsere Ängste leiten lassen und so entstand dieser Hass, du hast mich gehasst, ich habe dich gehasst.. doch eigentlich haben wir uns nur selbst gehasst. Nach 5 Jahren habe ich deine Seele endlich verstanden. Wir haben uns 5 Jahre nicht gesehen doch du hast micj trotzdem jeden Tag begleitet, tagsüber in meinen Gedanken und nachts in den Träumen warst du immer da. Du warst derjenige der mir im Traum geholfen hat zu wachsen und die richtigen Entscheidungen zu treffen. Denn du bist ich und ich bin du. Mike hat es nach seinem tot gesehen und alles was seit dem in die Wege geleitet wurde hatte nur den Grund uns zu offenbaren wer wir sind. Damals war ich noch nicht bereit, aber jetzt bin ich es. Doch dieses Mal werde ich mich nur von meinem Herzen meiner Intuition und Liebe leiten lassen. Menschen um mich rum reden mir diese Ängste wieder ein die mich damals zerfressen haben, aber ich muss keine Angst vor mir selbst haben! Alleine wie wir jetzt wieder zu einander gefunden haben beweist es. Es kann niemand verstehen außer uns, denn wir sind eine Seele. Ich habe mir absichtlich diesen schwierigen Weg gesucht weil ich stärker werden wollte als je zuvor… hey, kleines ich aus 2019: du hast gesagt du willst stärker werden. DU hast es geschafft und ich bin verdammt stolz auf uns. 🤍
