Flirt Till It Hurt

Forgive me Mom, for I have sinned

[justcrushalot]

YOU’RE ALL LIKE: #25

...when you were thinking he was an Aiden.....

....but realize he’s actually a Desi...

..... @_@ .....

[justcrushalot]

YOU’RE ALL LIKE: #24

...when Nana and Grandma tell u they’re praying hard for you to meet a man...

[justcrushalot]

s/o to this chamelon who’s hot AF

[justcrushalot]

INTERNET LURVE #9: Raawwrr

*~ cosplay and chill ~*

[justcrushalot]

YOU’RE ALL LIKE: #23

...when the guy u didn’t even wanna see again doesn’t text u after the date to say he had a good time...

[justcrushalot]

YOU’RE ALL LIKE: #22

…when they respond with a text novella about how they’re “really feeling”…

[justcrushalot]

INTERNET LURVE #8: VARIATIONS ON A THEME

..the kinda cutie who’s coyly lettin’ you know that he may have a 9-6, but that does not define him...

(reader submitted <3)

[justcrushalot]

INTERNET LURVE: #7

s p a m w i t h a p l a n - #promise?

[justcrushalot]

GYNO SAY WHAT: #3

"Ohmigod! You have the cutest little cervix!"

[justcrushalot]

YOU’RE ALL LIKE: #21

...when you’re at brunch and ur friend tells u bout another guy who is just not ready...

[justcrushalot]

INTERNET LURVE: #6

...OKSAYWHAT?!...

OkCupid - not the site where you go to find Mr. or Mrs. Hella Tite - but more where you go to find the he’s and she’s that are freaky and who you never would have dated in your 20′s, who now fulfill a few of your “needs” on your list of must-haves for Mr. or Mrs. Right.

...they may be clever, but they’re no one you’d love enough to ess their d or v in the middle of summer..

[justcrushalot]

DON’T RESPOND: #1

..did not know making a gal pork chops and going down on her in your kitchen could be such a downer...

[justcrushalot]

DON’T RESPOND

A new column of texts that you know you should NOT respond to.

[justcrushalot]

YOU’RE ALL LIKE: #20

...hooking-up with you was like Black Mass, 2.5 hours of a lot of weird one-liners and zero climax...

[justcrushalot]

YOU’RE ALL LIKE: #19

...after gettn 2 real telln ur date what your tinder experience has been like...

[kelsiline]

[justcrushalot]

TAIL TALES #7: THE CURSE OF THE 3RD DATE

This tenderoni may have a tender tummy, but she’s got no shame in her game! Here is her SF tale of when butthole backlash meets frantic felines:

It's my third date with M - the first of a few skinny, squirly engineers I would date. 

M is quiet and shy and kinda romantic because for the third date he drove me to Marin to a nice dinner in a cozy spot in the redwoods. Cute. I don't remember my main course but I do remember i got a salad...I will never forget that salad. 

After dinner we drove back to his SOMA loft and rolled around in his bed. For some WEIRD reason, he wasn't into blow jobs (I don't know, man. I swear I'm really good at them. I don't what his deal was.) So, I was topless in my panties giving him a (probably bad) handy. 

**I mean honestly. Just let me do my thing down there! No one likes a hand job. Amirite?**

So I'm grabbin’ that thing and my stomach starts...a'rumblin. A lot. Next thing I know, I'm doubled over on his bed in a panic. I KNOW what’s coming and I don't know what to do. 

"Do you want me to drive you home?"

"...No..." Thinking: there is absolutely no way I will make it. I will 100% shit myself in his KIA.

I gotta just go for it.

He's an engineer, so his place is pretty nice but its also SF circa 2009, so it’s not yet THAT nice. Ya know? (Also he worked for Bing. so. Yeah. BING.) Bottom line, his bathroom is basically attached to the bedroom.

Like: bed | (wall) | toilet. I'm fucked.

Topless and terrified, I walk (try not to run) to the toilet and let it rip. And rip it does...loud, terrible, diarrhea pouring out of me (recall the salad...I was shitting liquid lettuce). There is no WAY he's not hearing everything and I'm super bummed.

And then. the cat.

Yeah he had a cat. And the cat wanted to shit too and his shitter was in the room where i was slowing dying.

Cat comes to the door, scratching and crying to be let in. Next thing I know, TWO CAT ARMS come shooting from under the door pawing and clawing desperate to get in.

I try my best to finish up and let him in. it seemed like an emergency - i felt his pain. I sheepishly slumped back to bed. He was really nice about it. Told me a story about how he had explosive diarrhea in college on a trip to India once... Just wait until you hear about the 4th date with this guy.... To be continued.