Jupes!

~24~ just a place for me to spill my guts, post my art, and move on with life (any pronouns)

[justjupes]

well now i feel somewhat inclined to introduce myself since i had a single post get 100+ interactions.

I would appreciate it if y’all could call me Jupes. short for jupiter. i go by any pronouns, and i am queer!

I’ve been diagnosed for a little over a year. i just wanted to share my experiences and have a place to vent.

feel free to message me to talk about whatever your heart desires.

peace love and pot roast

[justjupes]

Grief is weird. Griefing for something you had but can’t remember is weirder. What do you mean the best friend i ever had died when I was 5 and I can only remember his death. I remember the pain of losing him. I remember coming home and him being gone. I don’t remember him being there. I don’t remember all the fun times. I don’t remember the good times. I remember missing him. I remember everyone telling me how great he was. I remember his name being my passwords for everything. I remember the loss and the pain. I wish I could remember the joy.

[justjupes]

am i running for myself or running from myself?

[justjupes]

Reckless, stole my heart and put it on a necklace

[justjupes]

i don’t want to be the person that runs away anymore. i’ve grown i’ve changed but i still want to run. i really really don’t want to run.

[justjupes]

when you’ve learned your whole life the best thing to do for someone you love is to leave, knowing you should stay hurts the worst. i don’t want to leave. i am just so tired of causing them pain. i’m trying to be better. i’m trying so hard, but it’s not worth it for them. i want a life with them more than anything but i’m so tired of causing pain to the ones that mean the most to me.

[justjupes]

well it’s confirmed i am the problem

[justjupes]

one of the things i hate about trauma is the flashbacks when you’re finally feeling like you’re healing. then the dreams start up all over again. then you’re left wanting to tear the skin off your body so they would have never touched you at all.

[justjupes]

it hurts so bad seeing how many people relate to this. i’m so sorry

[justjupes]

i keep telling my partner no when they ask to have sex. i just don’t have the energy or i’m just too tired. they are the most understanding and amazing person ever, but i just don’t have the energy. i know it’s been getting to them recently but i don’t know what to do at this point. i know it’s hurting them. honestly i just feel sick.

[justjupes]

how am i supposed to tell my partner that i feel empty? how am i supposed to tell them, when they ask me what’s wrong, that i feel numb? i don’t know what to do

[justjupes]

why couldn’t i have been born a cis man? my life would have been so much easier so much better. it’s not fair. it’s just so unfair.

[justjupes]

sometimes i think i’m not capable of being in a fully healthy relationship. i always break people. i am always the problem. every time my partner gets upset because of me they always end up comforting me. maybe i’m the manipulator.

[justjupes]

how is it that even when i find the perfect person, finally start to feel happy and welcome somewhere and with someone, i still manage to find ways to fuck something up.

[justjupes]

i’m supposed to be getting better. i’m not supposed to feel bad or upset. i’m not supposed to feel this way. everything is supposed to be going up not down. everything is falling apart. i’m supposed to be happy.

[aadhiravellala]

A reverse/concrete poem I’ve written on the horse racing industry which ultimately prioritises profits over the well-being of horses.

[bakwaaas]

one thing about me is I will Leave

[justjupes]

my world feels like it’s constantly seconds from crumbling down around me. the weight of the world is constantly on my shoulders. everything is one domino away from turning into a pile of rubble.