Fuck If I Know Anymore

~ orion ~ 23 ~ queer ~ he/they ~ ~ i am not real ~

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

having one of those days where everything is getting on my nerves

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

hahaha the loneliness is ✨crippling✨

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

went back to work after like eight months of unwilling unemployment, worked almost two weeks straight while still in iop and immediately had a breakdown the moment i got home from a ten hour shift tonight. i am not cut out for human existence

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

theres just something about writing fanfiction in the rest area of the burn unit while on lunch break that feels like tempting the ao3 curse

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

wind chill has me yelling the way timmy’s dad yells “dinkleburg”

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

what is the aesthetic called when you blast “creep” while singing along with your entire soul and make lasagna

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

group therapy exercise where you all go through your favorite ao3 tags and figure out who hurt you

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

looking back at old photos and knowing that if someone had taken my mental state seriously a lot sooner, i might have made it through college and i could have been in a much better place by now and then “that funny feeling” comes on because fuck me, thats why

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

note to self: 8 mile walks lead to excruciating hip pain… whowouldathunk

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

the worst part about being mentally ill and having a clingy dog that loves to snuggle is waking up to being completely overstimulated and therefore unbelievably angry at the world while a 110lb beast breaks down your bedroom door to get her snuggles and you have to shoo her out of the room because if she touches you, you're going to try and crawl out of your own skin

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

sometimes i forget that i actually am very much a city kid (cause i dont go outside) except for when chatting with my family and my brother is asking if i know the guy who likes to play his flute under the bridge nearby and with a completely straight face, i go “nah, the only bridge i frequent is the can opener.”

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

i hate the word unc btw. remove it from my retinas

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

sensory issues are so fucking annoying. cause wdym i cant stand the feeling of wearing socks especially at night but i also cant stand it when my bare feet touch each other so im stuck trying to mummy wrap my legs in a blanket so that no skin is touching and the evil socks can stay far away from me

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

it’s really funny to go to lunch with mom and grandma and listen to their concerns about my brothers mental state while knowing that my therapist is currently pissed at me because i refused to go to the er for an emergency evaluation after sobbing in her office on tuesday about how my suicidal ideations have gotten so bad that i cant function without considering walking into traffic.

i did try calling to make an appointment for an evaluation multiple times but the hospital left me on hold until my phone died.

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

sometimes life is just chugging enough vodka to get through the night and projecting your worst feelings onto the characters you kin way to hard so you can avoid feeling at all

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

i cannot believe the words “no, father, i am not having f’eat (fake meat) for dinner. that makes me sound like a cannibal with a foot fetish.” just came out of my mouth in the most deadpan tone i’ve ever mustered.

[justmeandmymeanderingthoughts]

having figure skating warm ups on in the background feels incredibly similar to having a live aquarium feed on