just slowly writing it all

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[justslowlywritingitall]

i'm still just 19 fighting to stay alive burrowing deeper where will i go when it comes for me

will i still have you to call home when i'm 26 and alone

[justslowlywritingitall]

i am desperately clawing to keep myself afloat and it's so hard but it feels amazing to want life enough to crave it desperately

like yes the sun sets at four and it's so gloomy and depressing but that's when i turn on the fairy lights

it's hard to find the good in things but i am making it a habit yes it's cold and raining but i am on my way home with the ingredients for soup yes i am stressed and worried i will fail but im studying in the library with a warm cup of coffee

i'm still crying myself to sleep but okay i am drinking water and taking my vitamins i'm trying to get back to where i was before romanticising life and taking care of myself it's hard but okay i am working on it

[justslowlywritingitall]

okay but it's fragile and i'm afraid the wrong thought will shatter it and i'll still be hearing the pieces crunch under my feet years from now

[justslowlywritingitall]

it's gotten dark and cold again and like clockwork i am beginning to drown

this time last year i was halfway through pulling myself out of the trenches this time this year i have been slacking and i'm sinking faster and faster

but okay i am putting in the work picking up the pieces if this is a yearly fight then so be it i will fight it

[justslowlywritingitall]

life is cruel and painful but it is mine. i built it bleeding raw and starving, full of spite and sheer determination

i walked out of hell, i cried while dragging myself out of hell, i climbed out of hell with my bitten down nails sinking into the edges

and it wasn't so i could let another person cut me off at my knees, blunt machete in hand while i watch quietly

i am young starving and have nothing to lose. i will not stop until i get what i deserve

written 25/1/22

[justslowlywritingitall]

lately, i've been feeling stagnant. like my world stopped but everything else is moving. stagnant like this is how water rots. stagnant like this is how sharks die. and oh so lost

but looking at you is like here is the point to life in the dip of your collarbone. here is my future in the curve of the circles your thumb rubs into mine. here is home in the way your voice catches around my name. like i'm seeing you in the graffiti on the metro and the ripples in the lake

like i am, at once, on fire and drowning, but always always in love with you

[justslowlywritingitall]

i'm sorry but i am so jealous the insides of me are painted jade green

and i'm sorry but i'm so greedy for your attention and i should be grateful for what i have

but

i want you to watch me cook sitting on the kitchen counter eat dinner and then do the dishes together

i want to run my fingers through your hair your head in my lap while you tell me secrets no one else knows

i want to burrow inside your heart and i want to stay there forever and i want you to want all of that too

—you once told me you needed me to love your bad parts too and honey, there is no other way i could love you but entirely and with all of my heart

[justslowlywritingitall]

my love, when you set the table do you set it for two? do you fall asleep with hands reaching but never finding, do you pick up the phone and find yourself searching for a number to dial? my love, when you set the table, do you set it for two? i am not the one you are missing but i am here and i will sit across from you

[justslowlywritingitall]

what should i tell her? your words echo in my head long past goodbye and i am left wondering was your hand about to reach for mine, did you almost peek at my lips. i am looking for pandora to tell her she left the box open too long. i am looking for icarus to tell him he's going to drown

the sun is setting and you're sitting right in front of the light till all i can see is your silhouette and yet i'm thinking about your cuffed jeans and scuffed shoes and how you smell like my detergent because you keep forgetting to buy more. i'm thinking about what it would be like to kiss you and maybe one day and only if i'm drunk. the heart of me knows a longing so deep it smells of pinky promises, kiddy pools and somehow always you

and yet, i dream about waking up with you and kissing the back of your hand and making breakfast and dinner and saving some for you. i dream about your smile that day and how sometimes you look at me in that extra special way until all of me dissolves. poets have written about love for millennia but nothing anyone could ever write can capture the way i feel when you grab my elbow so we don't get pulled apart in a crowd and lead me through, as i follow follow follow

sometimes i feel like i'm comprised solely of run on sentences and yearning and one day i will combust

[justslowlywritingitall]

hey,

I'm about to go through a major surgery on 9th September and I'm really stressed and just not feeling great about it, send me asks or slide into my dms, wish me luck

[justslowlywritingitall]

listen life is horrible it's shitty in every way but i'm writing letters to people i'll never meet the future is holding its arms wide open and by god am i running to meet it i'm opening the curtains and letting light through i didn't expect to see myself here but i'm here and i know my future self is looking back at me with love and pride and that's enough for me right now

[justslowlywritingitall]

god i love writing in no caps the sheer chaos and lawlessness of it all like a silent rebellion against english and grammar and colonisation my mother tongue never held the concept of capital letters and i bleed for it inside blood blossoming between ribs a language undying bringing shame to those who speak nothing but it oh how i love the way the words just roll off your tongue easy and complicated rolled into a neat combo of look at us we're here where no one expected us to be after they crushed us stood on our backs and pounded us into the ground we survived and now we're thriving

written 24/2/20

[studyblrthings]

[justslowlywritingitall]

god i love writing in no caps the sheer chaos and lawlessness of it all like a silent rebellion against english and grammar and colonisation my mother tongue never held the concept of capital letters and i bleed for it inside blood blossoming between ribs a language undying bringing shame to those who speak nothing but it oh how i love the way the words just roll off your tongue easy and complicated rolled into a neat combo of look at us we're here where no one expected us to be after they crushed us stood on our backs and pounded us into the ground we survived and now we're thriving

written 24/2/20

[justslowlywritingitall]

but summer ended and the last of the iced tea dried in my cup you packed your bags and left again like clockwork every autumn a migrating bird

the chill creeped in leaves falling and the sun set and rose i brought out the cocoa and lit the hearth sprinkled cinnamon in things that should never have had cinnamon and it wasn't alright and it would never be alright but for now i will pull on my gloves don my earmuffs and scarf and set out to my best friend's it sounds fake but i choose living and hopefully it'll all fall into place and if not i'll push it into place it's all a social construct y'know

[justslowlywritingitall]

Hope you're okay. I like your writing.

hi, it's been more than a year since you sent this and I'm healing. thank you

[justslowlywritingitall]

and the sound of your voice echoed through my chest. i looked for you in the desperation of yesterday and all things long gone but my hands were left grasping and my soles bled. what are you but an aching song, i think about you to avoid looking at me and it works so well. i could run after you forever and never find home but that wouldn't stop my heart from beating out of my chest whenever you're around but maybe it's for the best. if you stayed for too long, i'd slowly empty myself out to inhabit you and wouldn't that be sad

[justslowlywritingitall]

oh to be icarus

in that moment

when he began falling

and realised

he would drown