I’m just thinking…

Your life is a book. The chapters represents the phases in your life. The pages represent the days in your life. The words represent the meaning of your life. //Submissions in the ask box//

[justthinking005]

Feeling depressed, lonely and broken hearted but not sure how to explain it

Another day of laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I know I should get up, brush my teeth and change my clothes but I can’t. I can’t move. And I can’t respond to the texts coming through my phone either. I don’t know what to say. I can’t move. My heart and my head hurt. I can’t focus. I can’t move. And I’m not sure how to explain it to those around me. Why I’m so sad. Why I’m so tired. Why I can’t move. How do you tell those you love that you’re so incredibly sad that nothing feels worth moving for? How do you tell them that even though you’re surrounded by love, you’ve never felt so alone? I can’t move because I can’t find anything motivating enough to move for. And I don’t know how to explain it. So laying here, staring at the ceiling feels like enough for now.

[justthinking005]

“I owe it to her to be a better person.”

Okay. Fine. But what about me? Don’t you think you owe it to me to work on yourself? To be a better person so you never hurt anyone again like you’ve hurt me? For the last 5 years, you’ve dragged me through the mud, pushed and pulled me in so many different directions and caused so much heartache and pain. You drop me at every bad turn because you don’t want to deal with the consequences of your actions but it leaves me dealing with them. The pain is real. The heartache never seems to go away. And after 5 years of this fucking bullshit, you owe it to me to be a better person because I’m the one you consistently fuck over. I’m the one you consistently hurt. If you owe anyone, anything - you owe me the biggest apology, the biggest turn around and the biggest hug. Because I can’t seem to stop hurting. And it’s all your fault. And I wish I could hate you for it, for all of it. I wish I could hate you. I’ve tried and I’ve tried. But I can’t. And I find myself missing you when you’re not here. I’m missing the friendship more than anything. You owe it to yourself but you also owe it to me. Because I don’t think the heartache and pain is ever going to stop. And I need it to stop.

[writingsfrom-a-chrysanthemum]

“i liked you. i liked you so fucking much. but you didn’t know that, and maybe that’s my fault because i never told you. i just never wanted to lose our friendship in case you didn’t feel the same way. and when you started dating her it really pushed me away but pulled me in all at the same time. at first i thought about hating you and moving on, but it was like there was this bump that was in the way of allowing me to move on from you, a bump that i was just never able to get by. i still wanted you and i wanted you to see me for me and i guess i wanted you to come to that realization that maybe i was better suited for you than her. so i stuck around a little longer hoping that one day soon you’d pick me instead. i spent about two years like that, just waiting and hoping. I guess I was just waiting for you to change your mind. But i’m looking back now and i don’t know how i could have done that to myself. I honestly just wasted so much time waiting for something that won’t ever happen. and even if it does happen one day - it won’t feel worth it at that point. if it takes you that long to figure out how much i truly mean to you then you don’t deserve me after all. you really can’t make people like you, but it’s definitely not their fault to blame. it’s not your fault. it just sucks how we had to cross paths like that, you know? like why do we coincidentally cross paths with certain people if those feelings between them sometimes end up just being a one way street? it seems unfair, and has never made any sense to me.”

— j.t.l

[justthinking005]

You might think you deserve to feel loved. You might think you deserve to have someone care for you like you care for everyone else. But the sad truth is, it motherfucking tears you down further than you were when you were alone. Having a significant other doesn't mean you're happier than before. For me, I feel sadder, lonelier and I feel the need to be more independent. Don't let someone tell you that in order to be happy you need a significant other. You don't. It might not even make you happy.

I know I'm not happy

[justthinking005]

It's never been me, you know? I've never been the one people flock to. I've never been the girl you'd call pretty, or the girl anyone wants to date. I've never been told that I'm good enough, because maybe I'm not good enough. I've never been told that I was the greatest thing to happen to someone, maybe because I'm not the greatest thing to happen to anyone. I've never been told that I'm perfect the way I am, and maybe that's because I need to change who I am. It's never been "oh wow you look so cute today" it's always "oh wow. I like your earrings, I guess." I've never been loved unconditionally. I've never been in love, and I don't think I will. I'm useless and utterly disgusting at this point. I'm broken....

Excerpt from a book I'll never write #92// Nobody wants a girl who's broken. It's a known fact.

[justthinking005]

There I sit, crying again. Picking up my phone to text you, only to put it back down. Because I know you don't care. But I wish you did. God how I wish you did.

[justthinking005]

There I sit, crying again. Picking up my phone to text you, only to put it back down. Because I know you don't care. But I wish you did. God how I wish you did.

[justthinking005]

Our relationship was toxic, I’m better without you. Yet I end up crying thinking about you still

We were so toxic. 2 years together and I don’t think I can think of a single moment where I wasn’t sad because of you. The manipulation, the gaslighting, the fighting – it never ended. I have been sadder since meeting you than I have my entire life. I used to be happy, I used to have such a light within me. I don’t know why I let you put that out. I’m so fucking better off without you, and yet I still cry when I think about you. My heart aches at the idea of us never being together again. I still want you in my life, I still crave your touch and I can still hear your voice. But why? Why do I want you when you’ve literally been nothing but a hindrance in my life? I’d hate to think that this is what love is. Yearning for someone who doesn’t want you. But maybe it is, and maybe I’m doomed to love you for the rest of my life.

[justthinking005]

“ you already broke my heart, i thought i had moved on, you fucked me over once again”

I don’t know how to explain the last few months. I thought I was doing well, I thought I had moved on. But today you texted me, and my heart fluttered a little when I saw your name on my phone. After all these months, it shouldn’t do that. I just sat there and stared at my phone for the longest time.

The thing about you is that you broke my heart with no remorse. You took it and tore it into pieces, scattering the pieces wherever. It’s taken me this long to try and find them all to put them back together.

So when you text me out of the blue to see how I’m doing, I kind of want to respond. Because my heart isn’t completely put back together and maybe, just maybe, you could fill the empty spaces with the love we once shared.

But even though responding is taking the easy way out, and I wouldn’t have to fight to not think of you anymore. I know that you would fuck me over once again, and I don’t know if I would survive getting over you a second time.

So as hard as it is, the “how’re you doing?” text is going to get deleted, along with any further memories of you. I don’t want to do it, but I have to. I just have to.

[justthinking005]

Today was a day full of ups and downs. We didn't speak, and although I had moments of clarity because of the lack of communication, somehow my mind always wandered back to you.

And today, it wandered back to the first day we started talking. And then I began to think: what would life be like now had I not responded to your first message?

It occurred to me: life would be completely different. But a good different? I don't know. That's the thing. As much as loving you has taught me so much, I think I would still take back every good thing, every good memory, every laugh we shared. I would take that back, because being heartbroken by you has hurt me far more and I don't know if I can live through this any longer.

Loving you was by accident, hurting me was a choice. I don't know how my actions would have changed either of our outcomes for life - but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could go back and never say anything to you at all.

[justthinking005]

Some days I find myself trying to hold on to life & wondering my existence but then I come to your page & honestly your post has helped me through a lot in my life & I just wanted to share that with you❤️ so thank you 🤍

this is the sweetest! I hope you know that you are valued and loved, by those around you and those not around you. Thank you for being you, and if you ever need a person to talk to, my messages are always open!

[justthinking005]

Cutting someone off is hard. How do you just stop talking to someone you talk to every day? Not talking to you would be like inserting a void in my life by choice. Sometimes I wish I could just tell you to cut me off, to stop talking to me. Because I think it would be easier for you than for me. You aren't attached. You don't care if I leave you on read, you don't care if I don't respond for hours, and you most certainly wouldn't care if you never talked to me again. I am not a priority to you... So why are you a priority to me??

You’re my toxic person. I love you, but you’re no good for me anymore. // January 27th, 2020

[justthinking005]

Look at where you found yourself. Sitting alone in your room, waiting for a text that'll never come. Drowning your sorrows in candy and drama shows. Crying over every little inconvenience.  But why? Why do you do this knowing what you know? You're waiting for a boy who has disappointed you on every occasion. From late night booty calls to ignored texts. A boy who will never make time for you but claims you're at the top of his priority list. A boy who puts everyone before you. A boy who is never going to care about you the way you care about him. So why are you sitting here, sad? He's not. You should be out living your best life, smiling, dating, and being happy. Leave that stupid boy behind, and make him see what he's missing.

Heartbreak can only go for so long before it’s time to pick yourself up // January 6th, 2020

[justthinking005]

I should have kissed you hard instead of watching you walk away.

I remember it all…

Walking into the airport, hand in hand, sad smiles covering our faces. I knew it was an impossible problem we were about to face that had no good solution. You were leaving, bags and ticket in hand, ready to set off on a new adventure. And that was just the way it was going to be. There was going to be no conversation, no convincing you to stay, and no long distance. There was no pretending like we didn’t see this end coming from miles away (or months before). At least, that’s the way you wanted it to be, and that’s the way it went down. And I have blamed you ever since. 

But I, on the other hand, shouldn’t have given up so easily. I should have kissed you hard instead of watching you walk away that night. I should have yelled to you everything I loved about you, and told you every reason I thought we could make the long distance thing work. I should have stood up for myself and for us, unlike you did. I should have loved you harder, but I didn’t. And now I know I can’t only blame you for breaking my heart, because I broke my heart too.

[justthinking005]

“She was stuck in a cycle of loving him, then being broken”

She was stuck. She was stuck in this cycle of loving him only to then be left heart broken. And despite all the overthinking she had done, she couldn’t figure out what kept drawing her back to this relationship, to this person.

Was it the way he made her feel on their good days? Did the laughter and the smiles and the jokes outweigh all the bad she knew was to come the next day? Or was it in his smile? The way he could hypnotize her into doing whatever he wanted with that damn shining smile. Or maybe it was his hands, the way they gripped hers so tightly she felt safe, even if only for a moment.

Whatever it was, she was stuck. Her love for him was like a rubber band. No matter how far away she got from him and her feelings for him, she would shoot back to him just as fast. It was inevitable. She was stuck in a cycle she couldn’t break... but did she really even wanna break it?

[justthinking005]

"her green eyes filled with sadness"

She saw him across the courtyard. His hands wrapped around her waist, a smile on his face and laughter filling the air. He looked… happy. Genuinely and disgustingly happy. A look she hadn’t seen since their 6 month anniversary. A look she thought he was incapable of producing ever again.

Her heart stopped, her gut twisted and her green eyes filled with sadness.

He wasn’t hers to make happy anymore. She knew that better than anyone, and yet she wished he was. She wished she knew where it all went wrong, and how she could’ve fixed it. She hadn’t been happier in all her life than she was in the 10 months of being with him. But sometimes some things aren’t meant to be - and as sad as it was to admit… they were never supposed to be a forever thing. Just a temporary love song that had to end. 

[justthinking005]

Sometimes you fall. You fall for their charm, their nerdiness, their laugh, their eyes, and even their voice (which at one point you definitely thought was too high for a 20 year old boy). Sometimes it hits you like a ton of fucking bricks. The boy you never saw coming. The boy you swore you could never fall for because he was weird and you didn't understand.  But then something hits you - hard, right between the eyes - and you can't help but wish things were different. Or that you'd never fallen for him. Or that timing was better. Or maybe you just wish for a whole different life - because the cards you've been dealt lately suck. But you're stuck. You're stuck with these cards, in this life, with this boy and this timing. And nothing you can do can change that.

Sometimes the person you fall for, doesn't fall back. sometimes you’re just alone. // October 1st, 2019.