JustWrite

I’ll be posting relatable excerpts from my journal entries over the years AKA my book of stories and I hope you enjoy them as much as I did reading them over again for the first time!

[justwriteastory]

We also had a bit of a rough patch this week. but we did use Sunday to reconnect and it was nice to spend the day without drama that directly involved us. We have had our ups and downs for the last little bit…

- July 8, 2018

I totally forgot this day but reading this entry was uplifting. Sometimes life just constantly throws shit at you but it’s in the moments of just pure joy, some happiness and it makes things okay. This was clearly one of those days…a moment to just pause and reconnect with loved ones. I’m wishing for more of those days for everyone, especially when times feel dark.

[justwriteastory]

At the end of the day, how can you help someone who won’t take the steps to help themselves. And that is what it has come down to. He becomes so self-absorbed in his own a misery that he cannot see a way out, and drags everyone around him into his crazy ass shit. The truth is, I do have a soft spot for him, but he keeps lying and ducking up over and over where I just went to drop him like it’s hot; I keep getting burned and I’m sick of it. I guess that’s life though. You just need to know when to let toxic people go.

- July 3, 2018

I was seriously dropping some truth bombs out here. And this advice still applies to so many people in my life and possibly yours - drop that toxic shit. Over the last two years I have just been cutting out the bullshit which has been serving me.

[justwriteastory]

You? You’re not mad at me. You’re mad at the environment you’re in, yet you keep feeding the flames that burn you.

-June 27, 2018

I wrote this when there was a toxic person in my life who was upset at his situation yet took out his anger on people I care about. I was tired of sympathizing with someone who continued to stay in a toxic environment and blamed it on the people around them.

This quote is relatable to a lot of people I know who blame family, their partners, their work or friends for not being where they want to be in life. Or just blame others in general for “holding them back”. If you want to do something and you have the means, you can’t blame anyone else becsuse you don’t have the courage to step outside of what you know. It’s scary to try something new, but it takes work and bravery that a lot of people don’t bother with. That is life though.

[justwriteastory]

I should be doing more for him but I have been focusing on my own well-being, which is obviously important but I feel guilty for it.

-June 11, 2018

I think this is a struggle that so many people face in their life, whether it’s as new parents, people struggling with mental health or are just over capacity in some aspect of their lives; feeling guilty for putting yourself first. It’s hard to fill someone else’s cup when yours is running low. Charity starts at home, so when helping others don’t forget yourself. It’s something that rings true to this day for me, and I try my best to put myself first so I can do better for others later.

[justwriteastory]

May 29, 2018th’s entry was all about goal setting with a municipal youth group I was in. My entry was literally writing goals for what I wanted to achieve while in the group and what success looked like to me. It is funny because the entry I wrote today was also about goal setting and actually getting back into creating goals. It has always helped me with getting myself on track and feeling “productive” but I stopped doing it. Today is to getting back on track and setting better personal practices!

[justwriteastory]

I’m happy about the progress I have been making. I have also applied to quite a few jobs so I’m going to keep trying until something sticks, hopefully sooner rather than later. I am looking forward to some positive change.

- May 28, 2018

I used to be a perpetual pessimist so this positivity is a breath of fresh air after all of these old entries really had me going through the motions. I am really glad I wrote consistent entries because it is so interesting to get glimpses into how I used to feel and think, these nuances so often get lost in memory.

[justwriteastory]

At the end of the day I sympathize, but I feel like my empathy has taken a backseat.

-May 18, 2018

This was a point of my life where I felt out of control. I remember feeling sad and stressed all the time (because of life situations) but I tried my best to also consider how others felt. This day I hit a point of no return where my cup was completely empty and I do not think it has been refilled, even two years later since the pandemic hit soon after.

[justwriteastory]

I feel disconnected, but I know I am not alone.

- December 20, 2020

Is it the season? Is it uncertainty about my future? I know I am loved and love others so why the disconnect? The unknown always bothered me. I’ll keep you posted.

[justwriteastory]

They really don’t know don’t know what I have been going through, which is why they think they know me so well...even though they told me that they thought we were always close, we weren’t because they literally literally know nothing about my life.

- May 14, 2018

Confronting this version of myself is hard. Have you known anyone who was super private but not in an obvious way so people just assume the face you show them is real? This way they think they know you without really knowing anything about you. I kind of became this person over my adolescent life. Where some people in my life thought they knew me because they would talk to me all the time yet, they would just talk about themselves and never thought to ask about me.

Call me crazy but I always felt like if you want to have a good relationship with someone, you would show interest and ask about their life. Message them once in a while, check in and whatnot. Anyway, even though I feel like it’s important for other people to ask about things I also thinks it’s important to be vulnerable and open up with people around you. Balance and all that jazz haha.

[justwriteastory]

I don’t know what it is that makes people act like savages, grown people that most likely taught their children not to be this way. People’s behaviour is not just perplexing, it is freaking appalling to me. Like why rush on to people who are trying to get on the train? It makes 0 sense. There was a girl trying to leave the train at a station and people were literally pushing me and not letting the poor girl get off, just so they could get a seat - even though the train was close to empty.

- May 11, 2018

Herd mentalities always amaze me. Rushing oncoming traffic without thought of others is so common on transit here because of such self-centred thinking. Given this post was from 2 years ago and I’m sure COVID has changed things, or I hope it has atleast. Now, even if people will give others space because of self centred thoughts of safety rather than common courtesy, whatever, atleast it’s happening. Anyway, I have transit rage, so I will leave this here for all of you who are in the same situation to also appreciate 😂

[justwriteastory]

I actually cannot even deal with this day and it just started. But atleast my outfit is cute. Lol.

- May 1, 2018

Sometimes we just have those days. Those days where you know it’s going to be a shitty day and the only consolation is that you look cute haha. This was that kind of day. Although I did have a lot of things to be grateful for, some crazy things were happening in my life. The bad with the good or the good with the bad, that really is life.

[justwriteastory]

My poor mum gets so stressed when I leave. I guess it can be emotional blackmail of sorts but I just feel bad. I know she wants me to be under her roof and spend time with her which I can appreciate.

- April 24, 2018

This day, I was on my way to work and it was the day after an incident in my city where a man with alleged mental health issues ran over pedestrians in his vehicle intentionally amongst other things. And many intersections were shut down for a while. Hence the stress.

The fact that I acknowledged that this was emotional blackmail at the time but excused it is what got to me while rereading this. It’s something I experienced my whole life and excused it because she’s my mom and I know she’s well intentioned when it comes to me. As children, I find sometimes it’s hard to differentiate when our parents are right and thoughtful and being full on crazy with the way they approach certain situations. I would say my mother’s methods are trash when it comes to communication and self-expression; which really sucks because it’s something I had to teach my self in recent years. This difficulty in communication also made it hard to have any real though provoking conversations about our relationship in general.

[justwriteastory]

I think this challenge is also exciting in ways because it’s an opportunity to learn something new and write a paper in a style that I have never done before. It is basically an assignment of opportunities which I think I can do well on.

- April 2, 2018

End of my last year and focusing on my last course in health ethics. The course itself was an actual ethics course with debates in every class and discussions about concepts I had never heard about before. I thoroughly enjoyed that course because the prof and the course content was amazing. Given I had so many insecurities writing the final paper, it worked out in the end. I ended up writing about seniors aka baby boomers and the privatization of long term healthcare in Canada. I wrote a lot about seniors and health care in those 2 years 😂. This was a positive time in that crazy ass year, where I was optimistic before so much went to shit lol

[justwriteastory]

To me, it is actually such an interesting topic. The idea of market competition vs. necessary care regardless of the price. I think my issue is, is that I do not have a clear perspective as to how I will address this topic. What is my angle? Maybe I will use thjs overall concept behind the idea of privatization - what does it mean and what are true real effects to senior populations? Using the same concepts throughout the class, who it benefits and who does the decision to privatize most effect?

- March 20, 2018

This is only apart of a longer brainstorming session for a paper I was feeling a bit unsure about. This is how I worked when I had a lot on my mind, I just had to write it out and sort out my ideas on paper. I still do that from time to time when I have a paper I’m stuck on. It’s different from typing, physically writing just gives me a different feeling.

[justwriteastory]

It has been an interesting couple of weeks. If I am being honest, they have been complete shit. My health tanked, and I wholly neglected all of my responsibilities to the point where I don’t know where I stand with atleast two of the three things I need to do.

- March 13, 2018

Feels likes it’s March 2020 with the chaotic energy in this post and the craziness going on this year. I’ve been MIA with my reflections because of just life stuff but I am hoping to continue to write and not let life get me down. My health has been a shit show from time because I really didn’t understand how important it was to take care of myself. The “three things I need to do” were volunteering, working and work for school. And I was dropping the ball on everything but work at the time. I eventually messed that up pretty bad too because of personal health issues, but I was lucky I had supportive employers. Things have been a mess but during uncertain times in my life I really leaned on my family, my partner, and my friends to help get me through. And heya, I got through 2018 with some scars but also in one piece so I’m not complaining.

I would be remiss not to acknowledge the pain the world is feeling right now. And I hope the call for attention to systemic racism and the modern day lynching of black men and women will make some change to today’s society and current system that is undervaluing the lives of black men and women, and people of colour. And even though weeks on end can be complete shit for many people because of the madness of 2020, society can change when people take action. Take action in your personal behaviours, addresss your biases, speak to your families and friends, donate of you can, read up in areas where you lack knowledge.

[justwriteastory]

I guess in addition to mental stressors I have also been experiencing a lot of dissatisfaction. In terms of of physical state of being, work commitment level and motivation to participate in everyday activities. I genuinely feel like I would rather “blow things off” when I am not feeling it, but all that does is reiterate this feeling of dissatisfaction and disappoints others. The positions I have in my life are a blessing and this is what I need to remember. Everytime I do not show up, it could have been a potential opportunity for someone else who would have been more committed to the opportunity.

- February 23, 2018

Guilt was a constant feeling around this time. I was in school and doing really well, volunteering in two positions and working part time because I felt like they were all great opportunities that I wanted to experience. Considering the mental health struggles I was experiencing, I had commitment issues because I was experiencing a lot of anxiety with leaving the house at the time. Though the work I produced was quality, I often wouldn’t show up to places because the commute was stressful or I wasn’t feeling well that day. Even though I felt like I deserved these opportunities, I wasn’t making the most of them which made me feel like I was wasting other people’s time and great opportunities. I think this year is where I learned to take on fewer commitments so I could commit the time and energy to my work without the guilt of missing out on meetings and attending events. It definitely took time and therapy to come to a place of understanding that I didn’t need to a bunch of things if they weren’t serving me. I also realize that it’s okay to let go of opportunities, even if they’re great, if you’re not ready to capitalize on them. Don’t feel like you need to jump on an opportunity if you’re not ready, but don’t stop yourself from taking an opportunity out of fear either, it really is a balance. And understanding yourself in terms of your mental and physical health right now will help you make that decision. Everything in life is an experiment, so don’t be afraid to try something new to find that balance. Dropping the billion things I was doing was that scary thing for me and it has helped me a lot these past few months in developing a healthier me.

[justwriteastory]

I feel like I have been complaining quite a bit about my current situation in terms of my physical and mental health, but I have not been doing anything to significantly change it. Other than staying home and watching a lot of TV, which clearly is not having a positive effect. I do not think that I need to make drastic changes, but I definitely need to change the little things in order to improve my attitude towards myself and other people.

- February 21, 2018

Finally made it into the next year! Same shit different day (and year) though. The struggles have been real! This entry is the first time I acknowledged that I needed to make a change, which was a huge improvement than constantly hammering the need to be productive. Honestly, being productive was apart of this entry to an extent as well. Although, it was in the capacity of my mental and physical health not being in good places where I could be productive. Like damn, at this point in time my mental health was such a shit show that I was showing physical signs of illness like body aches, loss of appetite, and weight loss (which isn’t a good thing because I’m tiny af) but didn’t really acknowledge it much.

Here is where I want to acknowledge the “little” changes. I wrote that in the entry but I know that I didn’t ACTUALLY believe it. I do now, but I didn’t then. I always felt like changes needed to be dramatic, otherwise what are you changing, like duh?! But that’s why I never changed things, because big changes are hard af to stick to! This year, in 2020, I decided enough was enough and started making those small changes (2 years later but better than never). I write in my journal more, started opening myself to new friendships within my family (I have issues and was way more closed off with my own family) and I’m on day 11 of a yoga program (yoga eith Adriene on YouTube is dope). I feel better for it and I have learned to acknowledge the little things that make me feel better AND accomplished in my day. Yeah like big things are cool and all, but it’s really the smaller things in life that help you get through the everyday struggles; which honestly we as a society just don’t acknowledge enough. Sometimes getting through the day is enough, sometimes 5 minutes of stretching is enough, and sometimes making yourself a meal in the day is enough. Sometimes you need to just get through a shitty day or even days to see a better tomorrow and that’s okay! Society doesn’t acknowledge the day to day shitty shit that people go through because for some people waking up is really freaking hard and other people tell you that you’re crazy for feeling the way you do. Well fuck that! I was that person and it’s okay to feel the way you do because your feelings are valid. Do what you can to get up and survive today so you can see tomorrow and do the little things (whatever they are for you) to feel a little better today. And be proud of where you are today, even if it’s just surviving.