── .✦ CHAPTER-4 : Burden of Guilt
SUMMARY : Dealing with emotional and physical collapse, learning the skill of avoidance yet still falling prey to your own mind. (3.6k words)
TW : graphical descriptions of hysteria, panic attacks as well as hallucinations towards the end.
CHAPTER-3 << ಄ >> CHAPTER-5
"I fixed the shutter.." Rin states, his index and middle loosely holding onto your wrist as he leads you to the nearest restroom
Your brain screams at you to turn and see the mess of blood you'd left behind.. you ignore it, instead focusing on the steady patter of rain.
You admit to yourself you'd miss it if it stopped.
It was grounding in a way.
Soon, your gaze stays trailed on Rin's back..
He was grounding in a way too.
"Thanks.." you murmur into the quiet.. he acknowledges it with a slight tilt of his head but doesn't still his movements
"You're not gonna ask for what..?" You hum.. feeling oddly in a teasing mood. Usually you wouldn't even dream of talking to Rin in a casual manner.
"For what..?" He asks, humouring you a little and a small smile breaks across your face
"I don't know." You say bluntly, and if he feels an annoyance- then you can't really tell from any of his mannerisms.. it's a bit weird seeing him all docile, but people processed trauma in different ways you supposed.
'I don't know' was quickly becoming a phrase to utter whenever you were forced to put something into words.
Perhaps bringing it up with Rin was some kind of acknowledgement to yourself..?
You still.. and it kind of doesn't work cause Rin keeps pulling you along by the wrist.
A tendril of annoyance seeps in, and for some reason you're rather pleased by it than mad.. you open your mouth without any words in mind, just wanting to keep the conversation going and spill whatever popped up in your mind first.
Rin sighs. it's a ragged thing.. one you'd expect from a seasoned war veteran, not a classmate.
Though you'd always supposed Rin was an old soul..
"We'll address whatever you want to say in the restroom. I don't want blood on my hands any longer.." he exhales and suddenly you're smacked in the face with guilt
Ah. You've been rather self-absorbed haven't you?
He's been on his feet since the whole thing started.. having run to the top floor and back without any break, soon then exposed to another emotionally burdening task.
You don't know the details but Saburo-ojisan and him had a close relationship as well..
You feel a spike of hatred for Ego-sensei.. what if there was hope of saving him and that shot took it all away..?
It's a bit odd he had a gun on his persona at all to be frank. And weapons vault? Why the hell did the school even have one??
A soft exhale leaves your lips.. maybe you'll get answers when you get back.
Although, you're not too sure you want them.
You wonder how Rin felt while lifting ojisan onto the assembled bed.. atleast Anri-sensei was there. she would have talked him through it, you're sure.
A small part of you registers you're in the gent's restroom if the mini urinals are anything to go by- and you're suddenly reminded that this is the elementary floor again.
Everything's mini actually, Rin feels even more of a giant than usual in this setting.
He coughs and your focus directs to him entirely.. before your name could leave his mouth, he lurches. kneeling at the mini sink and throwing up everything he's been holding in.
His breathings unsteady and you let out a low gasp before kneeling beside him, turning on the water and rubbing circles into his lower back..
He grips the edges of the sink like a madman.. absolutely heaving.
The sight of water compels him to wash his hands.. they're shaky. your heart aches a little but you're not sure how to help.
Soon he rubs.. then rubs a little faster, he gags but nothing comes out- he just rubs.
The blood was bothering him.. you realise and quietly take some water from the faucet, using your bare hands to clean the sides where he'd gripped it and bloodied it..
Pink coats the sink as well as his hands. He retches again, and this time it's bile. Not solid.
You clean your hands on another sink and resume running circles on his back again.
The tiles dig into your bare knees but it barely registers.. he keeps his hands under the flow of water, gaze locked intently on them but atleast his breathing was starting to steady
"Your hands are pink from the blood flow.." you remind when he tries to rub them again, he doesn't pause at your words but the obsessiveness to the rubbing fades a little
He coughs again and you rub the circles a little higher on his back- finally he cleans his mouth and gargles, spitting out a mixture of saliva and whatever body fluids had stuck to his teeth while vomitting.
You notice his eyes are bleary as they look up, and he quite promptly freezes when he looks into the mirror. You follow his gaze and your breath hitches as well.
Right. His uniform is bloody.
You think you caught the exact second he started hyperventilating. His breathing goes shaky again- but this time it's more volatile, you catch it in the way his shoulders quiver as he clutches the edges of the counter holding the sink up.
You can practically feel his heartbeat despite your hand resting on his back and you feel your own heart rate spike as well.
A moment of helplessness takes you as he stares into the mirror like he doesn't recognise himself.. smashing the mirror would do more harm than good right now.
"Look elsewhere..!" You order, hesitantly patting his cheek to look at the wall onnthe other side instead
He doesn't look anywhere but the mirror.. infact he barely registers the movement, his gaze is locked and you register his tongue lolling out as his breathing gets heavier.. bile drips out his mouth again but suddenly he trashes.
You scoot back a little lost before mind-numbing fear grips you..
Could he have lost his humanity..?
Over the sound of your heartbeat, you hear him choke on a cry and the fear settles down just a little bit.. he claws at his shirt, his whole body shivering as he tries to rip the collar off.
You scramble to sit up again and glance at the pipes, getting a rather messy idea..
Well.. you were damp from the rain anyway.
You duck and use your foot for leverage as you disconnect the pipe from the sink connections-
The water rushes out at high speed, soaking you further before you can redirect it at Rin
Rin stills as the cold water hits him at full force.. he's still on his knees but he settles a little more comfortably than the rigid position he had been stuck in before.
You hesitantly draw a little closer, water aimed at his chest and arms while his movements steady- the grip on his collar loosening before it limply falls at his side.
You redirect it to his face and watch him splutter and close his eyes, his jaw contracts from its stiffness and his eyes grow a little clearer.
Soon, you drop the pipe.. the water around him a diluted pink, you reach to nudge his jaw close and he slowly retracts his tongue inside.. bringing a hand up to push your hand from his jaw.
His breathing doesn't still entirely and there's still something like panic in his eyes.. but there's coherence.
"Hi.." you mumble, letting your hand linger in the air before dropping to kneel infront of him.. the cold water still rushing out and cooling your bare knees.
"Mm.." he acknowledges, bringing the pipe up to his frame and scrubbing the dried blood off his shirt.. the pink persists at some parts. He might've just pushed the blood inside the fabric with the way he was scrubbing it from the front.
But when he glances at the mirror, you're relieved to see the spark of recognition in his eyes before he riggedly tries to clean his shirt again.. you catch the exhaustion in his movements but it makes him feel so human that you almost want to bawl your eyes out.
Relief floods your entire system- at some point you register his need for privacy and choose to turn to stare at the ventilation.. satisfied that your own heartbeat was settling as well.
Seeing that your back is turned, he strips the shirt off and scrubs it against the tile- directing the cold water towards it..
He checks his upper body for any blood stains and finds himself rather clean, cracking his neck after registering how strained it felt
You stiffen when you hear the sound of his belt unfastening and he pauses as well.
"I want drinkable water.." he says throwing the wet shirt on just for namesake really-
You nod, turning to find the door- avoiding looking at him at all, just stepping out to give him some proper privacy and to save yourself from the discomfort.
You're alone now.. and as much as you'd like someone beside you right now- being alone didn't bother you as much as you originally thought it would, infact you feel rather calm.
With the task of getting water in mind, you let your feet lead you to the water dispenser on this floor..
Thankfully there's a metal cup, so you fill it to the brim.. then place the cup down to cup some water in your palms and drink it from there.
You didn't realise how thirsty you were.
The water chills your throat but you feel a lot fresher and coordinated with your mind than you did before..
You grab the cup.. unfortunately spilling a little from the top, you decide to be a little more careful and just walk slowly.. Rin probably wasn't in a rush for it anyway.
He was probably cleaning his pants.
You didn't want to think of a mental image so you shove the thought out entirely.
It's still foggy inside you realise, batting at it with your free hand.. well- you knew where the bathroom was so it wasn't a problem, but it was still weird it didn't settle yet.
The bathroom arrives a lot faster than the water dispenser and you stare at the door for awhile.. hearing sounds of him whipping the shirt or pant you guessed- to get it to dry.
Soon it stopped and you hear ruffling instead..
This feels very embarassing right about now so you focus on the window infront of you instead.. perhaps you should suggest the idea of putting storm shutters atleast on the ground floor to Ego-sensei.
The sharp sound of zipping cuts through your thoughts and you take the cotton out from where you hid it, to shove into your ears to tune out any other incriminating sounds you'd rather not associate with Rin.
Storm shutters. Yes. Haha.
You wonder how Ego-sensei and Anri-sensei are getting on with.. well- they never explained what they were gonna be doing.. Rin had said something along the lines of research before they went to get the body inside..
A feeling of unease hits you.. would they disect it..? Take tests like dealing with the result of a failed experiment.
Would they look the same as when you last saw them..?
The door swings open.. and you turn- quite startled.. his presence registers and soon you notice his hair is wet as well- a little frazzled too like he'd tried drying it with something.
You hold the cup up and he accepts it without asking or any sign of gratitude, he quite practically gulps it down- some spilling past his lips and down his chin..
After everything that occurred.. why is the act of him drinking water the thing that disgusts you the most?
He hands you the cup back and you just hold it with a look of apprehension on your face
"What did you want to say?" He asks fastening his tie.. the uniform is still damp, and you probably would see things you aren't supposed to if you look anywhere but his chin.
"Thanks for not letting me lose my mind" you say simply.. a hint of exhaustion creeps into your voice and so he doesn't push, quietly including his head.
"Did you drink..?" He asks, internally a little guilty for how quick he drank that without leaving some to offer you
You nod, still holding the cup in hand.. not quite sure where to keep it..
"Mhm.. drank.." you affirm, suddenly a bit concious about your own disposition.. while you were pretty clean already from the pipe incident- you did want to freshen up and wash your face on your own obligation.
Rin moves aside after your affirmation, there's something sheepish in his posture as he gestures the pipe you pulled out
"I don't know how to fix it.." he admits.. the pink water wasn't spread across the floor anymore.. Rin must've opened the drains then.
You hadn't been thinking much when you pulled it out- but you did want to use the sinks so perhaps you'd atleast try.. hence kneeling beside it to connect the end from where you'd pulled it out..
The pipe fit- but it was loose and water still got out from the outer edges.
"Where's the supply valve.." you grumble, letting the connector pipe loose.. the water immediately soaks your lap again and you shiver this time, the cold water was absolutely chilling.
Well- atleast your senses were finally catching up.
You redirect the pipe and stand up, the chill following for awhile as you look for the valve.. finding it behind the pipe connection and quickly turning it off.
The water slows until nothing drips out.. the drain nearby soaks up the excess water and you sit down again to see if you can fit it..
Rin moves to sit beside you, looking as lost as you felt with the pipe in hand- but he also a little confused at your effort
"I wanna fix it.." you grumble stubbornly, shoving the pipe inside again and lining up the threading.. it definitely feels tighter but you wanted to test with the water
You look at Rin who's closer and he quirks a brow but leans forward to open the valve again.. he did it with much more ease than you and you're again reminded how easily this guy gets on your nerves by just existing.
A spray of water hits you straight in the face before you can redirect it so you pointedly ignore the amused look in his eyes to focus on tightening the locking nut on the pipe end
There's no leak again so you stand and open the sink a little.. it drips. and you open it a little more- half expecting the pipe to break so you step further from it.
The flow comes out steady and you exhale, registering Rin standing up aswell
"I'll wait outside.." he informs, heading out and closing the door but not entirely, leaving it with a small open gap.
You cup the water in your hands and spray your face with it.. the water is chilling- probably cause of the rain.. but it's also rather refreshing, you blink at the mirror- rubbing your eyes.
Water trickles down your chin and dips into your collarbone, you shiver at the cold.. gaze still trailed on the mirror as you take yourself in.
The dried blood on your shoulders catches your attention first and you decide to deal with that, bending to wet your sleeve and turn it inside out to scrub it off from the inside.
Saburo-ojisan's blood. Your mind supplies.
Your movements don't cease.
You don't know how that makes you feel, you reason that you're too tired to make sense of it.
The position is uncomfortable but you'd rather not burden yourself with the task of taking it off and putting it on again.. the school waistcoat also added to burden of undressing.
You clean the other shoulder without problem as well, rubbing your neck to ease the discomfort and just staring at yourself
The damp cloth still clings uncomfortably and you feel rather disgusted by wearing wet socks.
Your hair is only wet at the ends- but you do look like you'd just gotten out of bed..
God.. Hyoma would kill you if he saw you right now.
The thought makes you smile before you can help it..
He'd probably claim he didn't even know you.
You think dryly, while pulling your hair out of the hairstyle you'd donned in the morning..
After combing your fingers through your hair for awhile.. it was a bit wet at the tips after everything but you're not too concerned about it, just styling it a little neater and staring at yourself again.
You wash your hands again without any specific reason in mind and walk out.. finding Rin picking out the dried blood from his fingers tips.
As soon as he caught sight of you- he went inside again, you hear the sound of the tap turning on and turn to find him scrubbing under his nails..
You find yourself self-conscious and check your own nails, but thankfully there's nothing.
He stares at his a little longer after washing, having turned the tap off. Then he wrung his hands and joined you outside.
"Are you okay?" You ask when he fails to meet your gaze, he walks ahead and you trail behind him.. it's oddly awkward you realise.
"Mhm.. are you?" He fires back and you find yourself pausing
"No.." you murmur honestly.. you didn't know how you'd react if you saw the bloodied hallway again.. if you remembered the shot. if you remembered the way he blee-
"Stop." he orders, and you still.. mind in the process of rebooting after that abrupt stop to your thoughts.
"You think out loud.." he says, watching the way your brows furrow in confusion
"Or maybe you're a mind reader.." you grumble, almost suspicious.. were you that easy to read? Well- according to Hyoma, you were easy in general.. but that's completely different!
"Maybe" he offers, and suddenly you're offended at the mere thought.. you're gonna have to start filtering your thoughts around him if that's the case- atleast you'd kept out the embarassing thoughts of him naked.
You immediately backtrack again, cause what.
You've definitely had more incriminating thoughts than that so why did you feel so embarassed.. are your cheeks flushed? You hope not.
Your hopes and dreams wither when Rin snorts. snorts. you did not think he was capable of doing that actually- it seems so un-Rin like and suddenly you're assaulted with the thought that you know Rin enough to classify what he may or may not do.
Well- Without taking into consideration your lack of accuracy in this particular scenario atleast.. the point still stands!
"Are we friends..?" You ask suddenly.. the word feels wrong to use with Itoshi Rin of all people- was he capable of friendship? perhaps you could classify your relation with him as trauma bonding.
"No" he says bluntly, and you're not really offended cause you didn't expect anything else
"Do you even have friends?" You grumble with a slight eye roll, his shoulders are relaxed.. a small part of you is really glad.
"None of the NPCs at this school are worthy of my companionship.." he states, shoving his hands into the pocket of his pants.. they're a darker shade of blue than usual- so he did wash them.
"Uh-huh.. how does one become worthy of your grace, lord Itoshi?" You ask with a quirked brow, was this guy a serious narcissist or just plain autistic.
"For one- I can't tolerate annoying people, and you're definitely top of the list." He states matter of factly, and really- kicking his family jewels seems like a really attractive option right now..
The Itoshi legacy can continue with Sae Itoshi.
You doubt Rin would be a good father anyway-
Not that.. you'd ever want to find out.
What's with the mortifying thoughts around Rin today?! And how did you stray from kicking his balls to that.
"Oi. You spaced out.. thinking of that guy again?" He asks evenly
Atleast mind reader theory is debunked. You're sure he would've run away after that particular train of thought.
"Huh..? Yeah. My.. first kill.." you murmur quietly, first kill huh. when had you accepted there would be more than one..
"He gave you the pistol.." he murmurs.. for some reason you think you catch a hint of sourness to his tone, so of course you latch onto it to annoy him.
"Mhm.. you jealous?" You ask.. wanting to do something cool like twirl the gun around but like.. if something went wrong- that would be a very stupid way to die.
He lets out a low tch, glancing at the weapon tucked in your skirt still
"Hm.. he just probably knew you couldn't defend yourself otherwise" he states while looking ahead again, his walking pace slowing slightly
You're a little offended but let it slide.. mostly cause he's kinda right- you didn't have his raw strength.. nor could you fathom roughhousing an adult or someone with a bigger build in general.
Not that you wanted to kill someone with your bare hands.. kill.. kill. Was that really gonna be a regular part of your vocabulary now?
"Ego-sensei.." Rin greets with a discrete bow, you pause scooting to the side and offering a bow of your own
He paces around the hall infront of the classroom Anri-sensei had choose for sterilization..
There's no sign of acknowledgement for both of your return.. he's fiddling with a key in one hand and he was sweating a little, a part of you guessed his mind was racing a mile a minute..
Where was Anri-sensei then? Maybe she could relay something useful or advice to get some rest- you just wanted to cuddle with someone and sleep like a log..
The hallway is clean.. you're glad.
"Oi. Four eyes..!" Rin calls out and you reach your hand out to smack his arm, cause seriously?? Did that man seem approachable to him right now??
"Ow you bitch.." he hissed, kind of lightheartedly you realise-as he loosely swats your hand.. you can't muster much heat in your glare, but a glare is a glare okay?
Your brain feels a little fuzzy.. did Rin put the shutters on properly or not? Your vision started to get a little foggy..
"Shut up brats.. I'm having an epiphany." Ego-sensei snapped, pushing his glasses up and muttering to himself like a madman
Rin mumbles something snarky to himself but you don't question it cause it was aimed at Ego not you.. Actually, you were having similar snarky thoughts about the man- but atleast you had the courtesy to not voice them out loud.
An annoying sort of pain spreads over your forehead and you bring a hand up to touch it..
Ugh.. a fucking headache.
You were kinda overdue of one anyway.
Dizziness hits next and you decide you really want to lie down now.
Rin nudges you and you stumble, his mouth moves but you're not able to make out anything. Did he ask something?
For a second you look forward, you didn't want to crane your neck to look up at the bastard..
Your eyelids feel droopy and you briefly register your limbs feeling much heavier than usual.
A part of you realises you might faint.
Your vision clears a little, and you open your mouth to inform Rin that he might have to hold you up..
The water's red. Why's there water? It's red.
Your name.. somebody's saying your name.
You want to hug Saburo-ojisan.
He has the nicest hugs.. you feel jealous of his daughters sometimes.
You hope the body infront of you isn't his.
You take a step forward.. is somebody scolding you? You feel the urge to sneeze.
The face becomes clearer.. and you feel relief course through you.. not Saburo-ojisan.
You can hear your heartbeat.. it's loud. You can't hear anything else.
THE MAN YOU KILLED IS NAMED KANME MIRAI.
Would you forget Saburo-ojisan too?
THE MAN YOU KILLED IS NAMED KANME MIRAI.
Would you one day have to kill Rin?
You remember Rin's breathing.. he's heaving. his tongue is out. something drips from his mouth.
Would you forget him as well..?
The man you killed is named Kaname Mirai.
CHAPTER-3 << ಄ >> CHAPTER-5
TAGLIST : @vyxeen (Open <3)
A/N : I honestly love writing this series and am so thankful bout not having to worry bout the word limit <3
Anyway, please leave comments ppl- 😭 I jst feel like I'm screaming into the void sometimes! Also damn- This chapter is pretty heavyy
I hope it's understandable for now, I love making teenagers act like teenagers and rn? These two desperately need therapy.
Ego is not fit to be in the presence of children and poor Anri isn't paid enough to babysit a whole school + Ego's ass.
Andd I also hope you guys like reader's personality honestly, I dunno how I feel about it myself but it's fun to write!
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