Its been harder to update this blog recently
If feels like my brain isnt really keeping up with everything aroubd me
Theres so much going on its weird that time is ticking and not standing still
It feels like everything is going so fast and my brain is in normal time mode if that makes sense
I miss the city, the rain on the street and the constant chatter of hapiness around you. You just a small speck in a crowd that no one notices you
Its comforting in a way, a lot of the people around me dont really get that though and wish for the countryside and i do too but i feel like theres good in both.
Anyway im getting distracted, my heart feels so heavy it hurts sm.
I just wanna be loved, or more specifically feel safe and understood. I feel like such a weirdo.
I brokedown last tuesday and it stressed my sis out she had to call my mum. But i couldnt talk to my mum about anything since that would mean outing my sis as a lesbian, me as panromantic,asexual and genderfluid.
Ive been having a lot of self esteem issues the past couple months, with my gender and everything.
My sis has become a lovesick puppy and keeps venting about hee crush and sending pics n videos about love and i can barley watch them
I wish i could enjoy them but its hard to enjoy them i dont know whats wrong with me
Ever since i was small i was stressed out by romance, i felt like i had to be a picture perfect wife for every boy i met, and it only got worse when i found out i like all genders.
Its so hard to relax around anyone, no one is even expecting this from me so i wish id just let it go. And like sometimes it goes away but its always there at the back of my mind and whenever i see romance media if its not slow burn its rrally hard for me to digest.
I feel sick i wish i was normal, my sid sugessted i talk to a therapist but none of the therapists i can contact are lgbtqia+ or anything of the sort so it doesnt feel like i can confide in them.
I just feel so invalidated as a human beingm i hate being percieved so much.
I hate how romance likes to put you in boxes im gonna actually throw up
I feel so awful i could cry .
Im so worthless i csn barely keep my room tidy, i cant dress up and i cant get any hw done at all or evan apply to summer jobs im so pathetic
I havent slept for months, im so restless and scared for the morning snd to have to face another day again
