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@k81st-blog
cause love is real and talk is cheap and you had enough words to bring down the whole goddamn city. and i, like the fool to believe in them and that is probably the only thing real between us. you got me and i got words, and every single one of them drunk in the lie of love. and it is not enough to say, you fucked me over... you fucked me over like all lovers who get fucked over. they take it all in... and exhale; while trying to figure out where all the love is really meant to go.
r.m. drake
Cancer is simply a chance to show the world how much of a strong kick-ass fighter you really are.
Maintaining “Me” In A World of “Them”
Its only about 18 days into 2016 and I can already tell that this year is going to be a year full of life lessons. My interactions with new people I have only just met as well as my continual reactions with people I have had in my life for a long time always teach me things. However more so now than ever, I am opening my eyes and ears and truly being open to the lessons these experiences are teaching me.
I am so incredibly grateful for every single one of my friends. I don’t tend to keep an overabundant amount of friends, I maintain a small group of true and loyal friends that I love dearly. One thing that I have learned recently about myself is that I tend to be a very succeptible person and that I easily assimlate to the personality, vibes, and tendencies of people closest to me. Most of the time that can be a great thing and has played a large role in molding me into the person I am today. However, recently I feel as though I have allowed people to steer me into a direction that scares me. I am a forgiving and understanding person. These traits can certainly open me to a world of hurt, and that is something I obviously dont enjoy, but I have prided myself on maintaining composure and maturity through those sometimes difficult times. I think that is certainly something that has allowed me to maintain great and beautiful friendshps with some of my ex’s or other people I have dated.
A huge part of why I think I have been fairly successful at maintaining that track record of friendships, is because I have kept my personal life, very much personal and separate from my friendships. In the past month I have allowed myself to compromise that moral and allow some overlap between friends and personal life experience. My friends, and close people in my life will always look out for me, that is something that I will be eternally grateful for. At the same time, a decision they believe they are making in order to make me feel better or protect me can hurt others. This is something that happened fairly recently. A situation that, to be frank sucked, became an utter disaster. I allowed myself to be involved in some stupid and juvenile actions that I feel were hurtful toward someone that I had at one point confided in and trusted. A person that didn’t deserve anything but my respect and decency.
During this time of year lots of people make resolutions and I have to admit that I am not the world’s largest fan of resolution making. However, this year I will make an exception. I have done a fair amount of reflection after this recent experience and with that said I have resolved to be the captain of my own ship. I have resolved to maintain my moral compass and values and not allow mysef to falter. I have friends from all walks of life and all personality types because I have opened myself up to everyone and made the decision of my own volition. I now know that I am the ony person who knows what relationships are good for me and who makes me happy. If my friends are as true as I believe them to be, they will be understanding when I make a stand for my decisions. This post is not only serving as a place for me to share my thoughts, it is serving as a forum for an open apology to someone who deserved more from me as a person. Not that this post or my resolution to be my own person and not falter in my decisions serves as at adequate apology, but it is an effort that needed to be made en route to a better New Year.
Down but not out.
Life is forever changing and flowing and just when you think that you have learned so much, you realize that there is still so much to learn. This past month has been particularly trying for me. I went thru a mixture of a lot of stuff that played with my heart, my head, and my body. I am in such awe of people who seem to be able to take the most difficult situations in life and find something beautiful, meaningful and important within them. Taking something away from a situation or seeing the positive, is such an easy thing to preach, it is a very sensical piece of wisdom. However, practicing what you preach and living it, is a far different thing entirely. Until you are faced with a truly challenging time in your life, it is difficult to really understand how suffocating life can really be.
I was having one of those periods in life where it seemed as though everything that could go wrong, was going wrong. It was a time in my life that seemed like it was never going to end. Just when I thought things would get better, reality showed up to keep me in check. It knocked me on my ass and held me down so I couldn’t stand up. I was frustrated and angry and just felt like crying 95% of my days. Until eventually I just stopped trying to stand. Succumbing to my situation was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life. I myself am not a quitter, I am determined, I am emboldened and I am competitive. But when I stopped and allowed myself to step back and gain some perspective on the chaos that was revolving around me, I had a moment of much needed clarity.
I realized that you can’t always do everything on your own. Life is hard, and it can certainly get the best of even the strongest people. That is why we have family and friends. I always knew that I had some incredible people in my life but I think it took me until now, until this point in my life to realize that those people also double as a support system, a fan club, a cheering section. I find it difficult to depend on others, and I try to be independent in every sense of the word. I recently realized that sometimes you need to swallow your pride and lean on your support system. Some people are not nearly as fortunate as I am to be surrounded by such brilliant and caring people. I realize and acknowledge how lucky I truly am. These people helped dust me off and stand on my own two feet again. They have provided me with inspiration to fight to be the best person I can be.
Even though hard times suck, and they are debilitating, I am particularly grateful for my most recent rough patch because it has opened my eyes to some of the amazing and priceless things I have been given in my life. No matter what boy breaks my heart, what person screws me over, what sickness weakens me, or what unforeseen circumstance comes my way, I will always have these people beside me, no matter what. I love them so much; And it is because of them, and for them that I smile everyday and fight even harder to make my dreams come true.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my Pop-Pop and how special he was to not only me, but everyone he knew. The most important person in his life was my Nanny, the two of them had a love that inspires me to always keep my heart open. When I stumbled upon two old dusty boxes in the attic of their home, I had no idea what I would find. When I discovered their old skates it brought a tear to my eye. There are many miles and memories happy moments shared in these skates. I can only hope that I am lucky enough to find a love so genuine and true with someone one day.
The Dark Side Of The Moon.
Growing up I listened to a lot of classic rock. My father cultured me in music from a young age. We used to dissect Peter Gabriel, The Stones and Pink Floyd while we drove to Home Depot. Listen to the bass, do you hear that chord progression, can you hear it build? Can you name every instrument used to create that sound? I loved every moment of it, and miss its frequency. I hold dear to anytime that happens presently.
Today I sat back and thought long and hard about my father’s very favorite Pink Floyd album, Dark Side of The Moon. He loves it so much because of the flow, the seamlessness of it all (cringed when the radio only plays one song), the symbolism and art that it embodies. It is a true piece of art. He told me listening to it is “like being awakened from a wonderful dream.”
Immediately after having this conversation I had no choice but to sit back and listen to the album in its entirety. From “Speak To Me” all the way thru “Eclipse”. I know the album like the back of my hand, I’ve been listening to it since I was born, possibly even earlier. But this time was different, I understood the album on another level. I wasn’t simply picking out the baseline, or hearing the chord progression, I was finding deeper meaning in the words, in the symbolism. Sure, the album was always a piece of art to me, but I never understood the meaning from such a personal perspective.
The album tells a story that is all too familiar to many of us. Leading a life chasing your tail instead of chasing your tale. “Run, rabbit run. Dig that hole get the sun. When at last the work is done, don’t sit down, its time to dig another one.” We are never done working. We live in a society where work is the norm. Working has become what we do and who we are. Roger Waters was sending a message to the world, a wake up call, don’t lose sight of what is truly important in this life. You are the captain of your own ship, the author of your story, the master of your destiny.
Listening to this album now I realized that although I had listened to this Dark Side continuously as a child, I hadn’t yet experienced life enough to understand what Roger Waters was truly talking about. Picking up the album again, now, in my twenties, is one of the best possible things I think I could have done for myself. Making the realization that I am in control of my own fate and happiness is key. It is never too late to take control of your life and follow your passions.
Moral of the story is this: I hope to share this piece of art with as many people as humanly possible, especially my children one day. Wake up everyone! Assess your life and your happiness. “And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.” If something in your life is not the way you’d like it to be, don’t regret the chances you’ve missed in ten years; Do something about it NOW! Life is all about the limited amount of time we have on this earth, What are you doing to do about it?
Thank you Pink Floyd. But more importantly thank you Dad (even though you thought I was high when I made this realization) you have done more for me in life than I think you will ever be able to comprehend. You rock dude ;)
Thats all for now. Until next time. I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.
I've been missing you something terrible.
photo by :: Kaitlin Firstbrook