Did You Get Enough Love? Fourth of July ā Sufjan Stevens
Sae Itoshi x Reader , genre: angst
Sae Itoshi didnāt like you at first.
Not even in the complicated way people later romanticize.
He genuinely found you unnecessary.
You were always there after practice, leaning against railings like you had nothing better to do, calling his name like it was something you were allowed to say without consequence.
Most people took that as a warning.
You took it asā¦ neutral. That was your first mistake, according to him. And the second was continuing.
Because you kept showing up anyway.
With coffee you never got thanked for. With snacks he never asked for. With conversations that filled silence he never offered back.
āYouāre really hard to talk to, you know that?ā you said one day, walking beside him as if you belonged there.
āIām not here to talk.ā
You hummed. āYeah, I noticed.ā
And then you stayed anyway.
Sae told himself it was pathetic.
That you were chasing something that didnāt exist.
That eventually you would get tired and disappear like everyone else did when he refused to soften.
But you didnāt, you adapted instead.
You stopped trying to force him to respond and started existing beside him like his silence wasnāt rejectionāit was just a language you were willing to learn.
And slowly, that became the problem.
Because Sae started noticing you when he didnāt want to.
The way you waited even in bad weather. The way you never complained when he was late. The way you always positioned yourself slightly behind him like you didnāt want to overwhelm him with your presence.
You werenāt loud in the way he thought you were at first.
You were consistent. And consistency, in his world, was dangerous.
Despite his desires, he maintained a safe distance. He understood that wanting things could make people vulnerable, and Sae Itoshi couldnāt afford to be vulnerable.
So when he snapped, it wasnāt sudden. It was pressure finally finding an outlet.
It happened after practice, when exhaustion sat heavy in his bones and frustration had nowhere else to go.
Something soft. Something normal. Something he couldnāt tolerate in that moment because everything inside him already felt too tight.
You almost walked into him.
āDo you ever stop talking?ā he asked.
You blinked, caught off guard.
āYouāre always there,ā he continued, voice sharpening as if he could cut the feeling out of himself. āAlways following. Always waiting. Always acting like I owe you something just because you decided to stick around.ā
Your expression shifted slowly.
Hurt, recognizing itself too late.
āI donāt think you owe me anything,ā you said carefully.
āThatās not what it looks like,ā he snapped. āYouāre exhausting.ā
The word landed heavier than he intended.
There was a pause after it.
āOh,ā you said softly.
Like something inside you had quietly fallen apart and you didnāt know how to hold it in place anymore.
That twist in his chest. That instinctive wrongness.
Because stopping would mean acknowledging what heād already done.
āI didnāt ask for this,ā he added, quieter but still sharp. āI donāt need someone inserting themselves into my life like this.ā
Your hands tightened around your bag strap.
āIā¦ I thought I was helping,ā you said.
You nodded once, small and controlled, like you were trying not to take up space even in your reaction.
āOkay,ā you whispered. āIām sorry.ā
And Sae stood there long after your footsteps faded, waiting for something to feel like relief.
At first, he told himself it was fine.
But the world didnāt feel better.
Too aware of what was missing.
He started noticing it in everything.
The absence of your voice before practice. The empty space where you used to stand. The way his body automatically slowed down near places you liked to wait for him, even though you werenāt there anymore.
No annoying persistence he had once pretended to hate.
And the silence started turning into something else.
Regret, slowly forming shape.
Because now, without your presence clouding it, he remembered everything differently.
You werenāt forcing yourself into his life.
You were trying to stay in it.
Even when he gave you nothing.
Even when he made it difficult.
Even when he never once said āstay.ā
Until he made it impossible.
That realization didnāt come with tears.
A hollow understanding that something irreplaceable had quietly left his life, and he had been the one to push it out.
For the first time, Sae looked for you.
He told himself it was to fix things. To correct what he said. To reduce the weight sitting on his chest every time he thought about your face.
That was what he repeated to himself.
āI didnāt mean it.ā
But apology is meaningless when it arrives after absence has already settled in.
He found you at the crosswalk.
It was ordinary at first.
You standing there, waiting for the light like any other day.
And for half a second, relief hit him so strongly it almost made him stop.
And then the world broke.
Violent. Sharp. Final in a way his brain refused to accept.
A car didnāt stop in time.
Movement where there shouldnāt have been movement.
Your body falling in a way that didnāt belong in reality.
Sae ran before thought caught up.
āNo,ā he said immediately. āNo, no, noāā
He reached you in seconds that felt like hours.
Fading in uneven pieces like your body had forgotten how to stay.
Rain mixed with everything he didnāt want to understand.
People shouting behind him. Someone calling emergency services. The world continuing like this wasnāt the end of something important.
But Sae couldnāt hear any of it properly.
Because you were looking at him.
āSaeā¦ā you whispered.
His hands shook the moment he touched you.
āNo,ā he said instantly, voice breaking. āDonāt talk. Justājust stay still. Iām here.ā
The one that never asked for anything back.
And that was what shattered him.
Because even now, even like this, you were still relieved he was there.
Like he had never been the one who hurt you.
āI was going to say it right,ā he said quickly, voice cracking as it rose into panic. āI was wrong. I didnāt mean it. I didnātāI just needed time, okay? I just neededāā
Your fingers weakly found his.
It was enough to ruin him.
āItās okay,ā you whispered.
āNo itās not,ā he said immediately, gripping your hand harder like he could anchor you to him through force alone. āItās not okay. I didnāt mean it. I didnāt mean any of it.ā
Your eyes softened in a way that made everything worse.
Like forgiveness had already been decided long before he asked for it.
People were shouting closer now. Sirens somewhere distant but not fast enough. Time collapsing in on itself.
And Sae finally understood the cruelest truth of all.
He hadnāt realized what he had until he lost it.
And now, holding your hand while it slowly stopped holding backāhe realized he would spend the rest of his life learning your voice in memory.
Because that was all he was going to be allowed to keep.
Note: For those who chose Hugo, I will also post it because itād be a shame to make it rot in my notes. Hope you guys like it! :)
