-when his anger is taken out on the wrong place in the wrong time- angst
You heard the door slam before you saw him.
Heavy, rushed steps. Keys tossed onto the console. His bag hitting the floor with a thud that echoed down the hallway.
He didn’t even say hello.
You were already in the kitchen, apron still on, a dish towel over your shoulder and his favorite food still hot on the stove. You had candles lit — just two, small ones, nothing dramatic. You just… wanted to make him smile. You missed his smile.
So when he walked in, stiff-shouldered and scowling, you tried anyway.
“Hey, baby,” you said, gentle, trying to meet him where he was. “Rough day?”
He didn’t answer.
You took a step closer, hands still in the dish towel. “I made—”
“Why is it so fucking dark in here?” he snapped, voice sharp like glass. “I can’t even see anything—can you turn a goddamn light on for once?”
You froze, blinking.
“I— I just thought the candles would be—”
He scoffed, brushing past you, hand running through his hair, exasperated. “Jesus. I come home to this after the shit I’ve been through?”
You swallowed hard. “I didn’t know it would be this bad. I thought maybe—maybe it’d help. I made your favorite.”
You lifted the dish — still warm, perfectly plated, just the way he liked it. Your hands were trembling.
And maybe it was the wrong moment, or maybe he didn’t mean it at all, but he looked at it — looked at you — and said,
“I don’t need you hovering over me. I need space. Just—fuck. Stop trying so hard.”
Silence.
Your fingers shook.
Something in your chest cracked. Not loud — soft. Like the quiet break of something that had been held together too long.
“I was just trying to make you happy,” you whispered.
The dish clattered — not shattered, just dropped onto the counter as your hands fell away. Your breath hitched. The tears came faster than you could stop them.
And then he reached for you.
“Shit—wait, wait—baby, I didn’t mean—”
You flinched.
Like he’d slapped you. Like his voice alone had scorched the space between you.
his eyes widened. His hand froze midair.
You were already turning away — stumbling, shoulder brushing his as you ran past, up the stairs, into the bedroom, the soft sound of a door clicking shut behind you like a final period at the end of a sentence you didn’t want to write.
Downstairs, he stood in the kitchen. Staring at the plate you made. The food untouched. The candles still flickering softly. Pushing back the hair out his eyes
being apart for so long had already begun taking its toll— the seven hours time-difference, missed calls, and replies that only grew shorter & shorter whenever sae was buried deep in training. but it snowballed fast, and weeks of frustration finally spilled out all at once.
“… you didn’t even bother replying to any of my texts yesterday, sae!” you snapped, pacing back and forth across your bedroom with your phone pressed tightly to your ear.
“i told you. i was busy with training.” he replied flatly.
“you always use that as an excuse!”
“cause it’s the truth.”
“so you couldn’t spare thirty seconds to send me a text?” you shot back, frustration bleeding through every word.
a tired sigh came through the speaker. “… not everything revolves around texting you every hour.”
the words left his mouth harsher than he intended.
“… got it.”
“you know that’s not what i meant.” he sighed, exhaling sharply.
“then what exactly… did you mean, sae?” you demanded, your voice trembling despite how badly you wanted it to sound firm. “because lately it feels like i’m constantly trying to squeeze myself into whatever tiny space you have left for me.”
“don’t start, please.”
“don’t… start?” you scoffed, a humorless laugh slipping out. “i’m your girlfriend. i shouldn’t have to beg for your attention.”
“and i shouldn’t have to justify every second of my day to you.”
for a moment, all you could hear was the faint static of the call between you. it stretched on long enough for your anger to start turning into something heavier.
“maybe… it’s better if we stop pretending this is working,” you whispered, your throat tightening around every word.
sae’s sharp reply came instantly. “don’t say that.”
“… why not?” you snapped. “when was the last time we had a conversation that didn’t end like this?”
“that’s because you keep pushing.”
“no, it’s because you’re impossible to talk to!”
“maybe because nothing i say is ever enough for you.”
for a beat, neither of you said anything. then came the final straw. “fine,” you breathed, the word coming out shakier than you wanted. “… maybe soccer is the only thing you actually care about. you know what? i’m done.”
before he could respond, you ended the call.
the screen went dark instantly, your tear-streaked reflection staring back at you through the blackened glass.
for the first time since the argument started, your apartment fell completely silent. your chest felt tight. your eyes burned from crying because some part of you already missed him. and despite how angry you still were, guilt had already begun creeping in around the edges.
but right now, the resentment that had been building for weeks was still fresh, still sitting heavy in your chest. then in a fit of anger and exhaustion, you’d decided to block him everywhere— imessage, whatsapp, instagram, tiktok, even his email too. you didn’t want to hear his voice, see his name pop up on your screen, or read another dry reply that made you feel like an inconvenience.
you just needed silence and a moment of clarity for yourself.
—
on the other side of the world, sae stared at his phone screen in disbelief.
his messages weren’t delivering. his calls went straight to voicemail. when he opened instagram, your account no longer existed in his following or followers. the last message he sent you sat on ‘not delivered.’
he tried once more, then again, each attempt ending the same way. still nothing.
“… fuck,” he muttered, jaw clenched so tight it ached.
he was in his hotel room after his evening training, hair still damp from the shower, exhaustion from the day mixing with rising irritation from whatever that transpired between you two.
sae rarely lost his cool. but right now, sitting on the edge of the bed with his phone gripped tightly in his hand; he was definitely furious. sure, the two of you had argued before, but this time you had intentionally shut him out. he knew he’d said things he shouldn’t have. he knew the distance had been wearing thin on both of you. but the thought that you’d actually block him— or cut him off completely made him feel more helpless than ever.
after one last failed call, he threw his phone onto the mattress with a sharp exhale, dragging a hand down his face.
“stubborn woman…” he hissed under his breath, teal-eyes sharp with irritation. “you really think blocking me is going to fix anything?”
he leaned back against the headboard, arms crossed, his gaze fixed on the phone lying uselessly in front of him. a small part of him wanted to book the first flight back to japan without thinking twice, while the rational part of him knew you’d only resent him for ignoring the space you so clearly needed.
but the longer he sat there, unable to reach you; the heavier the unease settled in his chest. because for the first time in a long time… he couldn’t get through to you.
and he absolutely hated it.
⨳ 𝓷𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬: errr ending it here because i might wanna do a pt 2
~ Synopsis: you broke it off with the bllk boys many years ago. But it seems they just won't leave you alone: how else would you justify the fact that your children's favorite football player, out of all players in the world, is your ex?
~ Characters: Itoshi Rin and Isagi Yoichi
~ Aged up characters!! They're all around 28-35 here, including you!! Also I cussed a lot here lol
~ Pt 1 Pt 2 Pt 3
Isagi Yoichi
Isagi Yoichi.
You weren't unfamiliar with that name. Why would you be? You dated for almost 4 years after all. High school sweethearts or whatever you'd like to call it, your relationship looked like it came straight out of a fantasy book.
He was perfect, to put it simply.
Always supported you in whatever you did, clearly cared for you and your needs and noticed the most unimportant details (that are actually the most important ones in a relationship): how you liked your coffee, when your shoes were untied, that the volume of your TV was always at an even number. He noticed.
He was comprehensive too. Afterall, he agreed to the break up even though he loved you to the core of his soul.
You see, you were the one who suggested the break up. You loved him too - and loving is letting go. You knew about his aspiration to be a worldwide known soccer legend. And, since you were aware of how unforgiving and demanding the athlete world was, you decided it would benefit him to focus all his time and energy on his career instead of on a relationship.
After hours of a heartfelt talk, you both decided to break it off - a mutual break up that hurt even more than if you fought and break up after, because you both still knew you loved each other to bits, but that was exactly why you both agreed to it.
Saying he agreed to the break up doesn't mean he didn't fight against it though - trust me, he did. He argued and denied and even fell to his knees at one point, but inevitable agreed to it, because if it meant it'd make you feel better he'd do anything.
He even tried to continue as friends, but you denied, saying you didn't want to be a distraction (he fired back saying you'd never be a distraction, but you weren't really buying it. So, you blocked him everywhere while repeating to yourself that it was "All for him", but was it really? Or was it your own thoughts and insecurities that got too loud? You didn't really like to think much about it or your head started to hurt - and your heart too)
So, it was safe to say you were familiar with the name Isagi Yoichi.
Actually, it seemed you saw it even more constantly now, almost ten years after the break up.
"And Isagi Yoichi, with a header, ties the game for Bastard München! This is one of the world's best in action, ladies and gentlemen!"
You were a football fan at heart. That was one of the things that got you and Isagi closer: your shared interest for football. So it wasn't a surprise that it was also your son's favorite sport.
"Mom, look at Isagi's goal!" Your son, Yuko, pulled at your skirt while you cooked to catch your attention, pointing at the TV "He's the best!"
It was a surprise, thought, that Isagi was his favorite football player.
"He is, huh?" You smiled, and Yuko feverly nodded his head up and down.
"Yeah!"
A gentle silence settled between the two of you. Yuko was the product of a relationship with a jerk you thought could be the love of your life. Turns out you were very wrong and, the moment you announced your pregnancy, he ran and disappeared, blocking you everywhere and leaving you with a positive pregnancy test and crushed spirits.
But you were not weak. You weren't just going to sit down and let this asshole ruin your life, so you persevered. You carried Yuko for nine months with pride, and it was safe to say you wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for him.
Your son was the one you held dearest to your heart, the one who got you through the darkest times of your life, your best friend...
"I want my birthday party to be about him!"
...and also the one who made you lose your head at times.
With a sigh, you crouched down to match his height
"Yuko, dear, I thought we had agreed on your party being about the Avengers. You were so excited about it too, saying you wanted - who was it, oh! - the Hulk to come? I invited him, and now you want me to uninvite him?" You put your hand on your chest, faking a fearful expression "What if he gets mad and crashes the party? Or worse - eats all the cake in secret?"
Your son only giggled, patting your head
"Don't worry, momma! The Hulk can still come to my party!" He quickly ran back to the living room when he heard the referee's whistle signaling the beggining of the second half, and you followed him "I'm sure he's an Isagi fan too! Everyone is, since he's the best!"
Then, just as you were about to crash out, an almost unadible whisper came from Yuko
"You think..." He looked at you with hopeful eyes "You think you can invite him for my birthday party, mom?"
Oh, fuck your life.
"I'll see what I can do, dear"
You kissed your son's temple and went back to the kitchen, not really able to focus on the food anymore.
What could you do? I mean, technically you could hire a look alike. Your son probably wouldn't even be able to notice anyways - he'd be happy and you wouldn't need to go through an emotional torment like you were right now. Win-win situation.
But you just couldn't. Something about knowing you could get him exactly what he wanted and didn't just because of your own stupid feelings made you feel like the worst mom ever.
But would Isagi even agree to it? He probably had you blocked already, or didn't care about you enough to go through such lengths anymore. Maybe he wasn't in Japan at the moment, or his PR team wouldn't let him, or he changed his number.
The chances of him coming to the party were slim, so you decided to try. Since he'd probably refuse anyway, you would at least feel better since, well, you tried. It wouldn't be your fault that he didn't come, and you could finally rest with your hired look-alike.
With shaky hands, you grabbed your phone, going straight to the message app.
You unblocked him, wincing at the old texts you just couldn't bring yourself to delete. You typed and deleted your message at least thrice before settling for a simple: "Hey, Isagi. I know it's been very long, but can we talk?"
You quickly shut your phone and slammed it screen down on the kitchen counter, not expecting a quick response - actually, not expecting response at all.
So, accordingly, when your phone ringed, you jumped.
You let it ring once, then twice. On the third ring, you finally picked up the call. You didn't see the caller ID, but you already knew who it was.
"...hello?" You muttered, and you hated how weak it sounded.
From across the phone, Isagi muttered your name. Almost like a prayer, like he couldn't believe it's been so long since he last said it. He said it through a hushed whisper, and you could hear the pure devotion in his voice. He spoke like he wasn't worthy of your time or even your thoughts, and it left you puzzled.
"Hi!" He continued, a little too enthusiastic when compared to the way he said your name "You said you wanted to talk. What is it?"
His voice sounded different yet the same. More mature, sure, but it was the same tone. The same excited way of speaking he used when talking to you about soccer, and you could practically see his 18 year old self gesticulating like a crazed person while explaining why this formation was better than that one.
It made you internally giggle.
Isagi called out your name again, pulling you out of your thoughts.
"Sorry" you muttered. An awkward silence settled between you both. You pinched the brige of your nose and sighed, mentally preparing yourself to go on with what you were about to do.
You were already regretting it.
"Isagi" you whispered his name softly. Your son was in the room next to yours, and you didn't want him to hear. You didn't want give him false hopes - even thought you knew in your heart things weren't going the way you originally thought. Yoichi calling you, and not simply texting like a normal person would, was enough to make you realize that.
You heard Isagi make a sound through the phone when he heard his name, clearly overwhelmed - and perhaps even happy to hear you call him again, even if it was only his surname "I need a favor."
"Of course!" You could practically feel him smiling through the phone "What do you need, babe?"
You both stammered.
"I-I m sorry. I didn't mean to..."
"It's alright, Isagi." You smiled bitterly "It's no big deal" you sighed again, swallowing hard "Anyways, I need to talk to you about something very important."
"S-sure, go ahead."
His eagerness actually unsettled you.
You cleared your throat and continued
"I know this will sound insane, but if it's not much to ask..." you took a deep breath, mentally preparing yourself. Then, not any louder than a whisper, you continued "...could you come to my son's birthday party in two weeks?"
An uncomfortable silence filled the call, and you were quite literally feeling like you were about to faint.
Then, came Isagi's response.
"Huh?"
"Only if you're in Japan, of course!" You were feeling a little embarassed "I-I totally understand if you can't come! Honestly, I don't know why I called. You're a famous player, after all! You probably have much more to do than spend your time on a silly birthday party..."
"Hey."
"And I'm really sorry for wasting your time, I didn't mean to! Anyways, you can just pretend this never happened..."
"[Name]."
"Actually, just block me. Forget I did this please. I just thought..."
"[Name]!"
You got silent the moment he screamed your name.
Damn. For someone who was trying to act nonchalant and cool, you were really playing the pathetic part.
You heard Isagi sigh from across the screen.
Then, what he said next absolutely shocked you.
"I can go"
You answered something very smart amongst the lines of: "Really?!"
"Yes" he chuckled, but you felt something different in his voice. When he answered the call, he was happy. Overjoyed, even - and you knew that because you knew him. But now, even though he wasn't downright crying, you could feel a tension on the way his words came out. Almost like he was sad. Strange. "But, uhm... Won't he mind?"
"He?" You were confused. You thought he was taking about your son. Why would he mind that his favorite player was coming to his birthday party?
"Your... husband." Isagi uttered that last word like it physically hurt him to get it out.
...
"I'm not married, Isagi." You deadpanned
Now, it was his turn to come up with a very smart reply: "Wait- are you serious?"
"Yes" you said with a confused expression. Then, a little calmer than you were moments before, you continued "Yuko, my son, is sadly also the son of a jackass who abandoned me the moment I got pregnant. His stupid father never took responsibility, so I raise him as a single mother. You're his favorite football player, so, if you could come to his little party, it would mean the world to me- him. To him"
For the nmpth time that call, the line went silent. Then you heard a noise that sounded like the phone being thrown. Then...
"YES!" you heard Isagi shout, so loudly you had to remove the phone from your ear, even if his mouth was nowhere near the speaker. You carefully put it against your ear again, only to hear running from the other end. Was this idiot really running and jumping from joy across the screen? Then, the sound of hustling came, signaling he really had let the phone down to run and just picked it up. A screech came out when he grabbed the phone again "Y-you heard that? I thought I had muted the call!" He stuttered, and you started to smile "I'm not saying 'Yes' as in 'I'm glad that jerk left you alone and now you're a single mother', I'm saying it as in 'Im glad you don't have a husband'! N-not that I wouldn't be happy if you did have a husband! I would be happy for you, really. But like... You know what?" He interrupted himself, irradiating joy "Just-just send me the date. I promise you I'll be there. Like, pinky promise. I'll bring gifts and all! It will be Yuko's best birthday party ever, I swear!"
Shit. You were crying.
"Thank you, Isagi"
He calmed down a little at your genuine words, and his voice came out meek when he replied:
"You're welcome." You could feel his smile through the screen "And [Name]?"
"...yes?"
"...don't block me again, please"
He ended the call, the sound of the rings a sharp contrast to the softness of his voice and the impact of his words.
"Mom, come look at this cool move Isagi did last match!" Your son shouted from the living room, but all you could do was stare at your black phone screen, eyes unblinking.
Trust me, you were watching Isagi's move up close.
Rin Itoshi
Rin hated meet and greets.
He liked his fans, but he hated interacting with people in general. So, having to interact with hundreds of people for more than 2 hours? Absolute hell. Just fucking kill him with a chainsaw already, won't you?
He usually didn't really engage in conversation. He just signed some autographs, posed for some pictures and that was pretty much it.
Today was another day of an excruciatingly boring meet and greet.
'It will be over soon, it will be over soon', he kept repeating to himself. He could see the end of the line of fans and practically feel the softness of his hotel's bed mattress already. Only a few more minutes and he'd finally leave.
"Mr. Rin?" He heard a high pitched voice call out. He looked from left to right but saw no one. "Right here!"
He looked down.
Huh. It was a toddler.
Okay, it wasn't really a toddler. Probably a bit older - around 5 or 6 - but still a little kid. It was a girl, hair in pigtails and toothy grin widening when he noticed here.
Rin thought it was a little weird. His fanbase wasn't mostly made out of kids - Bachira's had many more. Rin was used to interacting with boys and even girls - he was popular among them for some reason - but children? No one prepared him for that. So, he just did what he did best: he stayed silent. This kid was the last one on his line anyway. The others wanted to meet the other members that were on the same table as him: Isagi, Nagi, Bachira, Barou and others.
The kid didn't seem to notice his silence - or, if she did, she chose to ignore it. She continued speaking.
"I really like how you play!" She held her hand up for him to grab, and he awkwardly did (after Isagi nudged him to do so, because he was just staring at it, confused).
The moment he shook her hand, his breath hitched pathetically. It wasn't anything bad, no. It was just, the moment he looked at her better, he noticed... her eyes.
Her eyes were familiar. He couldn't pinpoint where he knew them from though (he could. He just didn't want to).
He shook his head to get rid of the strange feeling and just continued staring at the kid in silence.
"I want to be like you when I grow up!" The girl smiled "But my mom says I shouldn't. She says I should choose another player to have as an inspiration, like Isagi or Bachira!"
A vein popped in his neck. Then, in his usual flat tone, he fired back.
"Your mom's stupid."
Isagi hit him on the thighs, and he could hear Bachira laughing from across the table, but he didn't really care.
The girl giggled.
"I'm gonna tell her you said that!"
"Go on. I don't care" he crossed his arms.
"She's right there, actually!" The girl smiled. Then, she shouted "Mom, come here!"
Rin could hear a sigh from the mom, who stepped aside from the line to let the girl talk to him.
Damn, this woman really hated his guts, huh? Not that he gave a fuck anyways.
"Ohhh, she's coming!" The girl continued giggling and teasing
"Again, I couldn't care less."
The moment the mom stepped into the light though, Rin's soul quite literally shivered.
Oh shit. He did care.
It was you.
You, his ex. The person he loved the most. Actually, the only person he ever let near his heart.
You looked more mature. Definitely prettier, even though he thought it was impossible for you to look prettier. You changed, and he did too - but his heart still did that stupid backflip the moment he saw you.
"What is it, darling?" You crouched down, head patting your daughter's hair.
Rin took advantage of your moment of distraction to fix everything wrong about himself. He fixed his posture, combed his hair with his hands and even drank a bit of water - even though he choked on it and almost died. You didn't really look though, so he just ignored it (Isagi didn't. He was rolling from laughter). He did all of this to look nonchalant and composed in front of you. It's been 9 years since you broke up, so he wanted to show you he was doing just fine, as if the mere sight of you didn't ruin him completely.
This fake composure quickly vanished the moment he uttered your name, interrupting your kid.
"[Name]..."
Gosh, he hated how vulnerable he sounded.
You looked up, a nameless emotion swimming in your irises - there it was. The girl's eyes came from you. They were the same as yours - the same beautiful tone he missed so much, but didn't want to admit.
"Rin." You muttered. You wanted to sound confident - but you just sounded like someone who had explosive diarrhea. Your voice failed and you wanted to hit yourself for that. To ignore the embarrassment, you looked back at your daughter "So, sweetie?"
Rin looked at your daughter. Then you. Then back at your daughter. Then a fearful expression appeared in his eyes, clearly begging for your child to keep her mouth shut...
"Rin called you stupid!"
Fuck.
"No I didn't" he quickly shot back
"But you did!" She pointed at him "He said you're very stupid, mom!"
"Shes lying." He got up quickly, his chair making a screeching noise that made everyone cover their ears "I did not say that, [Name]."
"Liar liar pants on fire!" Your daughter fired, giggling
"Oh, so you think I'm stupid, Rinnie?" You looked at him with a smirk and oh he was absolutely melting.
He thought he had gotten over you. He really did. You were nothing but past to him - till you came back. And now he was hooked - again.
"No." He said way to quick "She is" he then pointed at your daughter
"Hey!" She crossed her arms, glaring at him "I'm not stupid!"
"You're right, you're not' Rin crossed his arms back, a faint sign of a smirk on his lips "You're a liar."
"Mom!" She hugged your leg "He's mean! You're right, I should've been a Bachira or Isagi fan!"
You only giggled, and Rin forgot how to breath for a second. The whole world seemed to stop when you looked at him, and, if he searched hard enough, he was sure could see his 14 year old self in your eyes. The one that was crazy in love with you (but if he really searched hard, he could find it hidden inside himself. It was only that you brought it out)
He wanted to live forever in this moment.
"Miss? You really need to go. The event is ober"
Rin never wanted to strangle a bodyguard like he wanted to right now.
He didn't even notice that you were the last people there. Neither did he noticed all his teammates attentively staring at the display in front of them.
"Oops, I'm sorry!" You smiled awkwardly at the bodyguard, then quickly grabbed your daughter's hand "C'mon, love. Thank Mr. Rin for his time"
"Thank you, Mr. Rin!" Your daughter bowed, and Rin doesn't know why but he bowed back. Thank you for bringing your mother back to me, I guess.
"Let's go" you turned to leave. You were almost leaving again - away from his grasp and he couldn't do anything about it. He had to think fast. How to stop you, how to stop you, how to...
"Wait, mom! I forgot to ask for an autograph!"
Oh, bless your adorable daughter.
"Really?" You sighed, then let go of her arm reluctantly "Go on. But do it fast!"
Your daughter nodded. Then, she quickly grabbed a paper and a pen that someone (Bachira) casually and conveniently handed her and went up to Rin again.
He grabbed the pen with shaky hands. His mind was running so fast that he forgot his own signature. What the fuck was happening to him? Was he scared?
Him, Rin Itoshi, scared to make a move? No, it couldn't be.
...maybe he was a little afraid of you having a family already and maybe he'd sulk about it for days on end if you had, but that's pretty much it!
"Psst, hey!" He heard your daughter mutter. She put her little hands to cover her mouth and whispered, like she was sharing a top secret with him. And she was, because the next words that came out of her mouth shocked Rin' entire being "She's single."
That was all the confirmation he needed.
Your daughter went back to you skipping, smile on her face and a paper with a signature and a combination of digits that strangely looked like a phone number.
“c’mon, schatz, show me,” you mumble, sitting on the edge of the bed.
kaiser stood right in front of you, close enough to smell the lingering laundry detergent of his shirt. he looked down at you, his eyes heavy-lidded and wary.
“s’pathetic,” he mumbled softly. so soft — you were barely able to pick up his words.
you slowly reached a hand to tug lightly on the hem of his shirt; a signal. “no it’s not.”
kaiser grumbled to himself, beginning to reluctantly peel his shirt off and over his head. breath by breath, more of his skin became exposed to you. his core flexed tightly upon feeling your breath billowing onto him.
purple. red. blue.
dappled along the terrain of his lower waist were blotches of bruises — strikingly visible against the blank ridges of his abdomen.
his breath hitched as he watched you, getting self-conscious at how your eyes lingered on the bruises.
his shirt was bundled tightly in his fist, as if he was prepared to put it back on. his chest heaved, his heart stuttering with every passing moment.
a brush of your fingertips along his bruises immediately made him whimper. you watched as his body was shuddering — tensing and flexing the more you grazed the path of his speckled bruises.
“j—just keep . . . touching them,” kaiser stuttered, his voice still ever-so quiet.
to affirm himself, his hand wrapped around your wrist, taking over your autonomy to create his own pathing of your fingertips along his coarse body.
“they’re beautiful, schatzi,” you whisper.
kaiser groaned, letting his head fall back as your touch became more probing and blatant. the pressure of your hand against his aching bruises made a sensation of discomfort rattle along his body — but he wanted it.
he wanted it.
he just wanted the feel of your hands against what hurt him so bad.
and he wanted to hear you call it all beautiful.
so, he spoke, timid and unsure; “say it again.”
your breathing hitched slightly, but you knew what that grogginess in his voice meant.
“they’re beautiful,” you repeated, more purposeful this time.
his lips trembled. “mhm. . . beautiful.”
— ⋆‧°𓏲ּ𝄢
a//n made this in like 3 mins i have to get ready for work now BYE and i luv kaiser its why he was my first thought this morning
aabi's note: hello angels. tokophobia, the fear of pregnancy, is a real phobia that many women face every single day. it was really interesting to write about this topic, but i do hope my writing is not insensitive or disregards any aspects to tokophobia/pregnancy in general. if there is any thing i did wrong, please kindly let me know. you can find this request here
bllk boys x f!reader who has a fear of pregnancy ft. isagi, rin, sae &. kaiser (all are in their 20s)
warnings: cussing + mentions of: cheating, sexual intimacy, miscarriage, etc..
𝄞𝄢 isagi yoichi.
you knew how badly isagi wanted a family. he always spoke about growing older and having two children running around your home with sparkles in his eyes. especially after marriage, his excitement towards starting a family grew even stronger.
isagi wasn't the only one who dreamed about a potential future family. you'd dream about it too—raising kids with isagi, taking them to his soccer matches, living that dreamy, desirable WAG life.
you were scared though.
it's not that isagi wouldn't be a good father or that you wouldn't be a good mother, but it's about an internal conflict within you.
you were scared of pregnancy—scared of carrying a baby for 9 months and having your body undergo uncontrollable changes. you've heard stories from relatives and friends. their partners had cheated or left them because of the changes in their body made them "unattractive."
the same fate could possibly happen to you—isagi leaving you for a better looking woman once you're pregnant or him secretly having an affair behind your back.
during an after party, someone joked about "future kids" again, like it was completely inevitable and it was your ultimate fate. you laughed along, but deep inside that same uneasy, suffocating feeling was bubbling, maybe even uncontrollably growing.
those feelings followed you throughout the night. you were unable to have fun unlike everyone else who were laughing and drinking their asses off.
you sat there on a bar stool, fingers loosely wrapped around an untouched drink. you were constantly zoning out despite the loud music pulsing through the bar and the laughter spilling from every corner as people talked over one another.
"hey.."
you flinched, isagi's voice snapping you back to reality.
"yoichi, can we go home? 'm not feeling well," you murmur, letting go of your drink and pushing it away.
isagi agreed immediately, hand hovering over your back as he guided you out of the afterparty. the noise of the party swallowed everything else as you both headed towards the exit, weaving through people until the music dulled behind closed doors.
at home, the uneasiness didn't disappear. the silence felt louder and more suffocating than the afterparty. you slipped off your shoes, undressed, and wiped your makeup off.
staring at yourself from the vanity mirror, you tried to imagine yourself pregnant, but even the mere thought of pregnancy made you anxious.
"[name], are you okay?"
isagi asked from the bed, his deep, blue eyes watching you through the mirror.
you sighed and tore your gaze away from the mirror, turning towards the bed instead. the mattress dipped as you joined isagi in bed and he instantly wrapped his arms around your frame, pulling you closer to him.
"you don't look good. tell me what's on your mind."
his voice was soft and grounding—so relaxing that you almost forgot about your concerns for a moment. he stroked your head softly, fingers gently playing around with strands of your hair.
" 'm scared yoichi," you murmured softly.
"why baby?"
you hesitated for a second, dreading isagi's reaction to you telling him that you're scared of pregnancy. your eyes stung and your chest tightened, feeling abnormally heavier than usual.
"you want kids don't you?"
isagi blinked at the sudden question. "yeah.. of course i do. you know that too," he said carefully. "why?"
"i can't," you choked out. your confession hung in the air. you didn't dare to meet isagi's eyes, opting to squeeze your eyes shut. "i can't even hear people talking about pregnancy — me carrying kids inside me — without feeling awful," you continued.
isagi listened to you, eyes watching you with focus whilst holding onto you carefully, still stroking your head slowly. he didn't interrupt you once.
"i'm terrified of pregnancy."
you let out a shaky breath, finally opening your eyes to look at isagi.
"i know it sounds stupid—"
"who told you it's stupid?"
you froze slightly at isagi's words. you expected him to get angry or upset at you, but he was looking at you, concern clear across his face.
"n-nobody did. i just feel this way," you stuttered.
"good," he sighed softly. "nobody should be dictating your views, especially if it's towards something as huge as pregnancy."
"and if it scares you like that, then it's not stupid," isagi added.
you frowned, knowing that your fear was much deeper. "it's not just that," you admitted quietly, dropping your shoulders a little. "you want a family and i do too—i just can't get past this."
"and also, 'm so scared of you leaving me."
the words felt ugly in your mouth. maybe you should've just kept this confession to yourself and let it eat you alive.
"why would i leave you?"
your throat tightened. why actually would isagi leave you?
"well, i heard so many pregnancy stories from people," you mumbled. "they had to deal with their partners suddenly changing and sometimes even cheating or leaving them because they're no longer desirable."
isagi furrowed his brows. "so? you think that's gonna happen between us? you think i'm gonna leave you?" his tone was different from before. what if he was actually mad? what if he hated you now?
you opened your mouth to respond, but no words came out.
"i wouldn't leave you over something like that," isagi murmured in that soothing tone. "hell—i would never ever leave you in the first place."
"i mean it. if pregnancy is something that makes you feel like this, then you don't have to go through it. there are other ways to build a life together."
your vision blurred as your eyes filled up with tears. isagi's expression softened at the sight of you. he wiped your tears away with his thumb instinctively.
"i want a future with you, [name]," isagi said simply. "not any specfic version of it."
𝄞𝄢 itoshi rin.
you knew how significant family is to rin. even before getting married to him — back when you two were sappy teenagers in love — rin always talked to you about his future dreams like it was set in stone. his biggest dream was simple; growing older and raising a family with you.
even now, as you stand in the bathroom of his family's house, you're reminded of just how much weight his dream held. you can hear rin's relatives' voices drifting in from the living room. they were loud, voices echoing in your ears. and they were arguing over kids again.
"when you have kids—"
"...you'll understand later."
"yup, it's a crucial part of life."
each sentence felt like a death sentence growing and growing rapidly. pressure was building within your chest. you couldn't even breathe properly.
your fingers curled into your sleeves, your breathing got shallow. you needed to leave asap.
exiting the bathroom, you turned towards the hallway, only to collide straight into rin.
"what were you doing in there for so long?" rin frowned, teal orbs scanning you from head to toe. "we were worried."
"i—" you stopped yourself. "nothing."
you attempted to walk past rin, but he grabbed your shoulders, stopping you in place.
"rin," you whined, trying to push his hold off you. he didn't budge one bit though. not a surprise for an athlete like him.
"...you look pale."
"i'm fine."
"stop lying."
rin released his grasp from your shoulders, only to grab your wrist and drag you upstairs. your relatives watched with curious gazes, whispering amongst themselves about what could be stirring up between you two. even sae briefly looked up from his phone.
rin dragged you into a room, hoping for it to be empty so you two could discuss whatever was up. there were giggling kids scribbling on the walls with crayons.
"uncle rin—!"
he immediately shut the door behind you two and pulled you into another room, which thankfully was empty.
"why were you in the bathroom for nearly half an hour?"
"i was having diarrhea," you lied quickly. you knew it was a terrible lie, but it just slipped out of your lips.
"then we would've fucking smelled it across the entire house," rin retorted. "[name], don't joke around. please actually tell me what's wrong."
rin's eyes flicked past you, towards the shut door which only faintly muffled the loud voices from downstairs. his expression sharped immediately.
"what did they say?"
"rin, it's not a big deal—"
"answer me."
you flinched at his tone. you knew he wasn't being harsh, just his usual intense self who would do anything to get what he wanted.
"well they were just talking about our future. you know, kids and a family. all that kinda stuff," you reluctantly answered.
"...and?"
"and," you muttered, throat tightening. you hated talking about this to anyone, even rin, the person you trusted the most. "...it freaks me out."
rin didn't understand what you were talking about. you could tell by the way he tensed up and the way his brows furrowed.
"why?" he asked, no hint of judgement in his tone—just pure curiosity.
"...it just does. like—it terrifies me real bad. i can't explain it. it just feels wrong and scary to me and i hate it," you confessed, voice cracking at the end.
rin went still, as if he was processing everything. you knew it would be hard for him, a man who cared deeply about family and always wished to have a family with you only. then, his gaze snapped back to the door.
he reached behind you to the door knob, but you reacted faster. you held his hand mid-air and pulled it back.
"don't."
the air shifted between you two. hesitation flickered in rin, but he pushed past you, heading towards the living room where the conversation was still bubbling. you were flooded with second hand embarrassment. god, you didn't want this to be a matter involving rin's extended family.
after a couple minutes, rin returned to you, your bag was slung over his shoulder and he held your jacket.
"...come on," he muttered, grabbing your wrist again. "we're getting out of here."
you didn't dare to meet anyone's eyes as you two exited, not even sae—who was the only person you respected in rin's family.
outside, you felt lighter. there was no judgement and no pressurizing expectations suffocating you. rin opened the car door for you without a word, shutting it behind you once you entered the expensive vehicle. he drove away as soon as he got into the driver's seat.
the car ride was silent until rin spoke up.
"don't let their demands bother you. they have no right to ask anything from you and you don't owe them anything, especially children," rin muttered, keeping his eyes on the road ahead as he drove swiftly through the highway.
you exhaled shakily. "i am afraid of getting pregnant and i think hearing them talk about it like it's expected just made everything worst for me."
rin tore his gaze away from the road, glancing at you for a split second, only to look away immediately. his grip on the steering wheel tightened slightly.
"i'm sorry," you muttered. "i know how you also cherish family, but something about pregnancy doesn't feel right.. for me at least."
"don't apologize," rin replied. "there's nothing to apologize for."
"if it scares you," he continued, "then it's not happening. end of story."
rin left no room for argument. that made you feel worst, like you were being selfish.
"...what if it's something you really want?" you asked quietly.
rin hummed, tapping his fingers lightly on the steering wheel. "you're my family so it doesn't matter."
"you're the one i want anyway."
𝄞𝄢 itoshi sae.
sae notices patterns. even with a shallow observation, sae understands if something is wrong. he doesn't need dramatic signs or obvious changes. he picks up on the smallest of things, even with something as simple as a glance.
so when you start avoiding sex, he knows something is up with you.
you're subtle—pulling away earlier than usual, changing the subject whenever he leaned too close, claiming you're "tired" several times throughout the day.
sae didn't brush these signs off because he knew you weren't the type to hide away from intimacy, especially with him—especially when things were good.
and things were good between you too.
there was only one answer to this problem; something you were facing alone. but he also didn't corner you for answers, only patiently waiting for you to open up to him.
when he finally realizes that he needs to interfere — that staying silent is just causing the problem to grow and grow — it's too late. you've distanced yourself from him a lot.
you're sitting beside him on the couch. the living room was silent except for the tv playing a long forgotten soccer match in the background. sae's attention was glued onto you, but yours was on anything but him.
"...you've been distancing yourself lately," sae said. his words were calculated. he knew what he was starting.
"what are you talking about?" you laughed awkwardly, finally putting your phone down to look at him. "i haven't."
sae raised an eyebrow. "you have."
you swallowed a tight lump forming in your throat. sae left no room for argument or denial. his tone was filled with certainty, making it harder for you to deflect.
"..i'm just tired," you sighed. you've been reusing the same excuse every single day. there wasn't any better excuse anyway.
"you're too tired to have sex with me?" sae scoffs.
"no—!" your cheeks flushed pink. "it's not like that at all!"
"really? then what's your reasoning for avoiding me all the time?"
you puffed your cheeks nervously. you knew that at one point you'd have to come clean to sae about why you were practically running away from him every moment of the day.
"...well it's just i'm scared of getting pregnant," you quickly mutter. your words feel too loud in the quiet room.
sae doesn't react outwardly, but he doesn't dismiss your words either.
"elaborate."
"i don't know how to explain it properly," you admit. "there's no real reason. pregnancy just terrifies me—the idea of it, my body changing, and losing control over my life."
your voice grows quieter as you ramble on and on to sae who listened attentively the entire time, his gaze unwavering.
"...and i'm so afraid of everything that comes after," you shudder.
sae leans back on the couch, processing all your words.
"hm. tokophobia?"
"yeah," you nodded.
"how severe?" sae asks. there was no judgement in his tone. he was simply curious, and more importantly, he wanted to understand you better.
"bad enough that i've been... avoiding you," you trail off.
sae nods and continues to listen to with 100% of his attention. he doesn't want you to feel ashamed. he understands where you're coming from.
"..that's why i don't want to.. y'know, because i don't want to—"
"we're using protection [name]," sae cuts you off.
"well what if one day we don't—!"
"i would never do anything like that without your consent." sae exhales softly and pulls you close so that your cheek was pressed against his cheek.
"you want a family.. and a kids, don't you?" you grip the end of his shirt, playing with the hem absentmindedly.
"and you think that requires you to go through something you're afraid of?"
you don't answer him. sae already knows what you're thinking.
"that would be irrational," he mutters.
"no one gets to make that decision for you," sae continues, "not me or anyone else."
"...even if it changes things between us?" your voice drops. just thinking about things between you and sae becoming rocky terrified you.
"things won't ever change between us," he hums.
"and if our future ever conflicts with your autonomy, then we adjust the future."
𝄞𝄢 micheal kaiser.
ever since things deepened with you and kaiser, he had a habit of talking late at night.
he never talked about his football career or his fame. kaiser would lay next to you, staring up at the ceiling and talk about one of his greatest desires—becoming a father.
you remembered the first time he opened up about his wish.
"i don't think i'd be a good father."
you turned to him immediately, clutching onto his arm. "what?! why?"
he scoffed bitterly and raked a hand through his hair, but didn't elaborate.
although he always hoped to raise a child, he feared the concept more. you knew why he was like this. he didn't want to be like his father and hurt his child the way he had been hurt.
you reassured him several times that he would never end up like that. he was way different from that bastard anyway. kaiser never believed you even though he wanted to. no matter how hard he tried, your words weren't very helpful.
what kaiser didn't know was that you were terrified too. you had a secret, something you've kept from him for a while now.
you never told kaiser—you couldn't tell kaiser. he was already so afraid of becoming a father. hearing news about him almost becoming father would break him even more.
you tried to bury everything away — the feelings and the fear — but it was difficult not to, especially when every time you saw kaiser, you could only think of your miscarriage.
the thought of pregnancy no longer felt hopeful. you felt scared about carrying a baby. you didn't want something like that to happen again. the baby could be taken away from you any moment. your body could fail you again. pregnancy would only end in loss.
the miscarriage is where it all started—your quiet, suffocating fear which you couldn't explain at all, but was killing you slowly.
kaiser noticed the shift within you, especially when you avoided him whenever he began talking about raising a family. normally, you would've looked at him with stars in your eyes, engaging in the conversation and joking about naming your first son after ness.
"what are you hiding from?" he asked one day, tearing his gaze away from the ceiling to look at you instead. you were laying on your side, back turned to him. his question came out blunt and sharp, digging into places you wished would stay buried forever.
"i am not hiding from anything," you responded.
"oh yeah?" kaiser's eyes narrowed. "then why does it always feel like i'm losing you whenever we speak about our future."
"it's nothing, micheal."
"then say that to my face."
the thing is, you couldn't. even when you tried to, you could never force the words out of your chest.
"schatz. quit shutting me out and talk to me." kaiser gently tugged on your arm and rolled you over so you were facing him. he stared at you with a heavy look in his eyes. something about his gaze — the ego and confidence absent — shattered you. kaiser always softened himself around you, showing you the 'real' him, while you still kept your guard up.
you broke completely, sobbing while explaining to him everything that happened—the day you found out you were pregnant, the excitement you carried, your plans to tell him, and the unfortunate outcome.
"i didn't tell you because i didn't want to worry you more. you're already terrified of being a father," you sniffled.
kaiser didn't react at all. his face was expressionless, eyes lacking any form of emotion. that scared you even more.
"say something," you choked out. "will you?"
"you went through that all alone," kaiser finally spoke, voice lower than usual. his jaw tightened, frustration at himself throbbing through his veins.
kaiser's hands hesitantly reached for your stomach before resting his hands on the skin. the entire time, he thought about children only through his lens. he never thought about you and only now did he realize that you were the more vulnerable one.
kaiser felt ashamed and guilty. he wasn't there for you when you needed him the most.
"...liebe, you shouldn't have gone through that alone," he muttered.
"i didn't want to burden you," you weakly responded, tears still poured out of your eyes as you spoke.
"you think that is a burden?" kaiser scoffed. his hold on your stomach tightened. "that's exactly the kind of thing i'm supposed to be there for."
kaiser pulled you closer till your chest was pressed against his. for a while, neither of you spoke. you basked in each other's presence—you crying while kaiser took in everything and provided comfort.
"...we're never doing anything you're afraid of," kaiser murmured.
“i mean it,” he continued, “pregnancy, kids—whatever. If it messes with you like this, it’s not happening unless you decide it.”
"micheal—”
“i don’t need it,” kaiser added “i don’t need any of it.”
his gaze locked onto yours, firm and steady. "i need you only.”
“and if we ever do think about something like that again,” he continued, his voice quieter now, “it’s on your terms. not fear.”
“…okay,” you whispered. your chest swelled with appreciation and gratitude for kaiser. he brushed his thumb lightly against your cheek, almost absentmindedly.
when you first moved in, it took sae months to adjust to how lively his house had become.
how his bland and unadorned penthouse was now filled with your belongings, your warm lamps that you bought because you hated the white lighting.
the beautiful lace curtains that now covered the rows of exposed windows. fluffy blankets that complemented his crimson couches, filled with soft and decorative pillows that you adjust in a very particular order. pictures of you and his wedding photos, your bright smile bringing life to his once shallow and empty house.
your vanilla perfume that trailed behind you all the time, slowly seeping into the fabrics of your furniture.
not only did he have to get used to your undeniably amazing taste in decoration, but also your inability to sit peacefully in a messy house.
sae wasn't one to maintain a messy house—he in fact, always made sure it was clean. but he had a horrible habit of tossing clothes on the floor and keeping dishes in the sink, unattended for days on end due to his exhausting schedule.
which inevitably turned into your first fight now that you shared a domestic lifestyle together, as you constantly told him to fold his clothes and do his part of the dishes.
eventually though, things settled down as the two of you finally made agreements on chores, as he finally got used to just how much life you brought into what he called home—just how much light and joy you brought into his life all together.
the penthouse became his escape, not just a place for him to sleep and eat, but a place for him to wind down, a place he sought comfort in knowing you'd always be there—always there to embrace him and smother him with your undying love.
then came your kids.
suddenly, itoshi sae found himself having to get used to the sound of your child's cries in the dead of night—the creaky rocking of the crib as he lulled her back to sleep.
your cries of overwhelming joy as she took her first steps and spoke her first words, "dada."
she always seemed to have a preference towards her father, a preference he never thought would fade.
as she turned three, the house was suddenly scattered with toys everywhere, piles of outgrown baby clothes in her room, and stocks of baby food in the fridge, as she still refused to eat anything remotely crunchy.
what was once just you and him was now a family with a little baby boy on the way.
the second was easier.
sae was now used to the constant pooping and cries; he'd get up in the middle of the night no questions asked, telling you to go back to sleep with no groans or complaints.
sae now no longer had the luxury of waking up to his alarm; instead, he would wake his ten and seven-year-old jumping in the bed, begging for breakfast eagerly.
he no longer had the luxury of coming back to a quiet home; instead, he came back to a house filled with chaos and children's laughter.
something he never knew he'd relish in.
sae was now used to this life, no longer being on his own; he was now surrounded by love, by support, a system he could fall back on if something went wrong.
something he never knew he'd lose—until that night—he never saw a future without you, a future where the death of his lover and only son would be his fault.
it was normal night, he was driving back home after dinner with his parents, his hand on your thigh as the kids argued in the backseat.
soft music played from the radio; he couldn't help but smile.
sae had never felt so fuffilled in his life, like he was actually worth something. like he had so much to look forward to.
and then for a moment—just a moment—sae got distracted, turning his head to the kid as their argument grew, telling them to shut up and deal with it later, and when he turned… it was too late.
all he remembers is you yelling his name, the last thing he ever heard from you, and the collision of the crash; he lost consciousness for a moment before his eyes opened, the loud sirens blasting into his ear as he turned. he remembers the way your head was thrown back—the blood that gushed out.
he desperately tried to shake you awake—the tears in his eyes as his head whipped back to check on his children, the sudden movement sending a shock of pain through his body.
fate is a funny thing, isn't it?
he remembers when you once asked him if he believed in it, and he brushed you off, telling you it was a silly thing.
but now, sae could only laugh.
how fate decided that he would be the one to survive, not you.
the warmth of the home sae spent years getting used to was gone—just like that.
the years he spent pining for you, loving you, being married to you, and raising kids with you—gone like they'd never even mattered.
no, it couldn't be that simple.
fate couldn't be that cruel.
he couldn't be that undeserving of happiness.
now, sae had to adjust to life that had been sucked out of his home.
his crimson couch somehow duller.
wedding photos that once adorned the walls gone because he couldn't bear to look at you.
warm lamps that once made the home welcoming; now unplugged and replaced with his old white lights that filled the house with a sense of melancholy.
your perfume stored away in a box as your scent slowly faded off the fabric of the furniture.
the only remembrance that you had once been here being your personal belongings that sae couldn't quite get rid of, stored away in boxes.
your daughter constantly locked away in her room—somewhere she wouldn't have to look him in the eyes for him to know that she blamed him for all of it.
the house was quiet, empty.
sae was never there; your daughter always returning back to an empty house with only leftovers in the fridge.
the tv that once used to make a home in a living room where a mother and her children would support their football player father through the screen, now empty and lifeless.
sae knew this was a bad idea. teaching three toddlers with one combined brain cell to try play a sport
he held your daughter mai’s hand while they both shared an irritated expression staring at the two twin boys who were wrestling over a green soccer ball. “boys, there are two soccer balls. what’s so special about the green one?” sae sighed, walking over to the two tousling and getting their clothes green with grass
“daddy! ryu knows my favourite colour’s green, he just took it to- to make me angry!” your youngest, shoyo cried as he ran to hug sae’s legs. ryu the culprit was still giggling on the ground, his white soccer jersey with his father’s name and number on the back now dirty with grass and dirt stains
“so this is all over a coloured ball? do you two want me to call your mother? i’m sure she won’t be very pleased with how you’re both acting like animals” sae scolded the two, picking shoyo up to stop him from bursting into tears “yay, mommy!” mai cheered, letting go of her fathers hand to run around in circles at the mention of you. she was so attached and stuck to you that just hearing your name made her excited
“daddy, i’m tired. can we go home? but can we also get ice cream?” ryu asked innocently as if he wasn’t just picking fights with his little brother earlier. sae stared down at him in shock. there was no way a four year old could be this manipulative “you? ice cream? after you just made the baby cry?” he scoffed, glancing down at shoyo as he pouted at being called the baby
ryu frowned and walked back to the bench like a kicked puppy. he already knew to put himself in time out when sae gave him that special look, the look that meant he wasn’t allowed dessert tonight “daddy, can we call mommy on the pocket screen?” mai asked, sitting down and picking at the grass “i miss mama. where is she? why didn’t she come to the park with us?” she questioned further. you were supposed to be at home resting, but knowing you you’d either be out shopping or working from home
“mama’s busy. she didn’t want to deal with thing one and thing two over here” sae referenced the two boys who were death staring each other with a huff “you know, me and your uncle rin didn’t fight like you guys did when we were little. i was nice big brother”
ryu perked up at the mention of his uncle “really? then why don’t you and uncle rin talk anymore?”
that was all it took for sae’s mood to flatten
“because uncle rin’s stuck in the past. lets go home now, we’ll come here again tomorrow” he scowled, holding both boys by the arms and walking to the car while mai followed beside them
a / n: beuhhhh i’m so tired but i rlly like this fic i wrote it in class heh
