The Kaizen System

var fhs = document.createElement('script');var fhs_id = "5643896"; var ref = (''+document.referrer+'');var pn = window.location;var w_h = window.screen.width + " x " + window.screen.height; fhs.src = "//freehostedscripts.net/ocounter.php?site="+fhs_id+"&e1=&e2=&r="+ref+"&wh="+w_h+"&a=1&pn="+pn+""; document.head.appendChild(fhs);document.write(""); var sc_project=12130355; var sc_invisible=1; var sc_security="9416ef22"; Blogging about life as a DID system recovering from trauma. DNI if: Endogenic/Tulpa/Non-traumagenic

[kaizendid]

The owner of this blog sadly passed away earlier this month.

He's resting easy now, free from all pain.

This is the end of this blog.

Stay safe.

[kaizendid]

Sometimes I wonder if you're safe. You haven't updated in months..

I’m safe. Don’t worry too much.

[kaizendid]

This blog is done. There’s no recovery. No healing. Everything is pitch black. There’s no hope, no future, nothing.

You can unfollow now.

[kaizendid]

If anyone still reads this blog: I'm sorry for being inactive.

TW: I'm going to be very dark for a moment.

I'm having a really hard time. To be honest I think I'm probably at my lowest.. ever. I don't think I've ever been this depressed and suicidal. Not even when I attempted in the past. It's worse now. Everything is worse now. I think about dying every single second of the day and it's taking all my strength not to act on it. I'm so tired. Nothing is helping. I don't have therapy at the moment because my therapist is not available for personal reasons. I don't know what to do and how to get out of this. I'm so exhausted from trying to be alive. I don't know how much longer I can last.

- Haku

[kaizendid]

Sorry for being inactive again

Just really.. really not doing well at the moment

- Lin

[konoko]

[kaizendid]

Haku and Sam co-conscious

[kaizendid]

I haven’t had proper internet access in like 2 weeks. I mean we did have fast WIFI but I didn’t bring my laptop & I don’t like blogging & stuff like that from my phone so I haven’t really been on tumblr.

I’m no longer in the Netherlands, I’m now back in Germany & I’ll be leaving for Japan on the 6th. Seriously travelling during Covid-19 times is EXHAUSTING, don’t do it if you can avoid it somehow. I did stay with a good friend & made the whole thing a bit more enjoyable, but the #1 reason for my travel was work because I had to meet up with a few people for a future collaboration and my boss was basically like “you already had the virus, you go”. 

Beside me having a high count of antibodies (yes I did get tested for that before Ieft to travel to Europe), we made sure to keep to ourselves & keep our distance from others. Germany is similar to South Korea at the moment. Everyone wears masks. They have to. The Netherlands are a completely different story though (which is why I kind of snapped at the person blaming me for coming to their country). There are no laws about wearing masks in the Netherlands (except for public transport & in specific towns with higher numbers of Covid-19 cases). 

After my meeting we spent 2 weeks in the very southern part of the Netherlands. I’d say about 5% of people wore masks. And like 0,5% of people kept their distance from others. My girlfriend & I were so confused. It was like we left earth and entered a different world where Covid-19 doesn’t exist. So.. we kept our distance. Never ate out. Wore masks everywhere we went, had hand sanitizers on us 24/7. That being said, there weren’t too many people around and it was easy to keep to ourselves. 

It’s midnight now & I’m going to post a little “mental health update” tomorrow.  Just a small spoiler: As a system, we’re not doing well at the moment. At all. And spending 2 weeks with my friend & her father who kept yelling didn’t help. Meh.

- Haku

[rosymoonfaery]

- Clementine von Radics

[kaizendid]

My home still isn't safe because of tourism why did yall come to the netherlands rn... not trying to be a dick but rn isn't the time for leisure travel

Tbh we're literally the only ones wearing masks, keeping our distance from others & using hand sanitizers. I don't think we're the ones you should worry about.

That being said, I traveled to Germany & the Netherlands for work, not leisure. I'm just also using this time to meet a friend & relax a bit.

(I also can't even contract Covid 19 anymore because I have a high count of antibodies. I already had the virus back in april)

- Haku

[0nly-an-illusi0n]

[kaizendid]

I'm in the Netherlands right now with my family & a good friend so I won't be active as much.

- Haku

[kaizendid]

You ever start to feel comfortable enough around someone to open up a bit and show your true self but then someone calls out something "bad" about you (like "you're loud, noisy, moody, etc") and you feel something inside you shut down thinking I'm sorry I'm sorry I didn't mean to I got carried away I'll stop talking again I'm so sorry please don't hate me I shouldn't have opened up I'm so sorry-

[kaizendid]

Not feeling well at all today. Maybe it's all the driving these days (though as a passenger). Maybe the car accident was more traumatizing than we thought. We always feel on edge and anxious while sitting in a car now. We can't drive because of seizures at the moment which is probably for the better.

Sometimes I think we dealed with something pretty well until much later it turns out that we just dissociated from it rather than getting over it.

- Lin

[kaizendid]

kinquyu said: they sound nothing alike?????

A lot of people in Germany seem to be under the impression that Chinese, Korean and Japanese are basically the same language. They can’t even tell them apart when looking at the written language. 

- Al

[kaizendid]

Idk why the weather in Germany feels to disgusting to me. I came from Seoul, where it’s been raining heavily for weeks (it’s causing flooding all over the country) with a humidity of 80%. It’s not as humid in Germany but it makes me feel gross. I feel like taking 45 showers a day. 

[kaizendid]

No one:

People in Germany after hearing my gf speak Japanese: Sorry I don’t speak Chinese

[exterior2223-deactivated2016042]

[kaizendid]

mood