i don’t have them all yet but here’s a starter set:
brian dumoulin: shy lesbian. used to be bookish and nerdy and then got tall and kinda hot. has absolutely no idea what to do with being kinda hot. likes people’s photos on hinge but has never given a rose because it feels too forward. has a huge crush on tanger but will never, ever act on it. sometimes looks at tanger’s hinge profile late at night and entertains torrid fantasies about sending her that week’s rose.
kris letang: high femme, of the bitchy designer cat variety, duh. definitely strikes me as a femme 4 femme type. would fuck dumo but wouldn’t text her back so it’s probably for the best they’ve never hooked up. (kris no longer fucks her d partners for that reason.)
evgeni malkin: here is my favorite queer girl evgeni malkin depiction ever lol. neither butch nor femme just like, vibing. all her best friends are guys except for sid. has spent over a decade flirting with sid with such single-minded focus that past teammates (nealer) have described it as “kinda bordering on sexual terrorism, bud,” but sid is so oblivious that drastic measures must be taken. likes to leave her sex toys out by the bathroom sink when sid is over just to watch sid turn bright red and determinedly pretend like she didn’t see anything.
sidney crosby: butch. 100% butch, but NOT a dapper version of butch. not even remotely. owns exactly one suit (presented to her by her dad), which she wears to weddings and funerals, and otherwise wears only sports t-shirts she got for free from various rec leagues and basketball shorts. every girlfriend she’s ever had has tried to throw away the yellow crocs, but they reappear outside the house because they’re good yard shoes. good at fixing cars but extremely bad at realizing when the lesbian whose tire she’s changing is. flirting with her. lies awake at night sometimes thinking about how bad she is at woodworking. has a huge crush on geno but will never make the first move because geno gives off hot girl vibes despite not being an especially hot girl. also geno must have a lot of sex with other girls because her strap-on is like. always out.
tristan jarry: used to be sort of mousy and then went away for the summer (to attend the kris letang school of beauty & bitchery) and came back a hot nonbinary lesbian with flawless peaked eyebrows and a perpetual “oh, you think ___? that’s cute.” but actually if you cracked open that gorgeous skull you’d realize there’s absolutely nothing inside. and i think that’s beautiful
kasperi kapanen: DIRT! BAG! LESBIAN! DIRTBAG LESBIAN!!!!! dirtbag stoner lesbian. doesn’t shave her legs or armpits. lots of tattoos. dirtbag lesbian but she’s fooled around a couple times while stoned with her straight bff jason zucker. labels, man. why put yourself in a little box, yknow? also jason’s real good with his mouth, so sue her
jason zucker: straight dude but in a chill way. knows what the phrase “safe space” means and has even used it once or twice, kinda fumblingly, in the way that you might say a french word you’ve only seen written down. but like, earnestly. good dude. had a full-on crisis the first time he and kappy fooled around while high because what. what. help. did he do something wrong? must he atone? kappy handled this by getting him stoned again and explaining her theory of little boxes. (jason is getting kind of dangerously good at cunnilingus. also he’s pretty chill. nice dude. once he said “yeah, i mean. fuck the patriarchy” and then looked really nervous about it, like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to say that or not, and that was cute. it’s possible that kappy might be discovering that she inhabits a slightly more expansive box than she thought. so sue her)
mark friedman: definitely not a lesbian. has spent many evenings trying to convince drunk girls to make out in bars, though. an ally.
john marino: straight dude. if asked would say (and mean it) that he doesn’t think he knows any lesbians, despite playing a team with all of the above
kianamaiart
blakekathryn
titsay
areudirty
gracieabrams
yousharknotpass
izzy806
