Rainy days ♥️
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Rainy days ♥️
Artwork by Bill Mayer ( my edits )
you have traveled so far, wandering the earth since your first day, and your legs are starting to numb but they are still filled with purposeful, fiery ichor. what is it that you have done? with your terrible gnashing thrashing flaming self? your presence has hung over the shoulders of humanity like a wet wool blanket, cold and oppressive and far too heavy to shake off. you remember so many wounds, deep red gashes like trenches across your checkered body. you remember the agony the ecstasy the sleepless screaming nights the pale contorted bodies of those who have fallen under your eyes. you lie awake so many nights the scenes before you fanged and bloody and mad. history unwinds its bloody threads before your very eyes, because of your very eyes, and you pluck and preen at the richly coloured tapestry, because this is your responsibility, for you are immortal. there are plumed helmets, shining silver metal with red feathers riding high, bouncing in the wind, and armour clanking with the cries of every peoples killed of every culture destroyed as your gasping maw devours all that lies before you. you allow them to return in TRIUMPH to their cities, boasting five thousand dead. (important victories, you know!) and now you laugh with your cold cruel hands and rearrange a few pieces of the chessboard; you topple a queen, move a king about, sacrifice your pawns, because if you're immortal, you've got to do something to pass the time! claymores and targes and longswords clash and crash and it is a pretty little game, for you are immortal. you have pitted families against one another with your merciless motions twisted actions; countries and nations rise and fall when you breathe your bitter blood iron breath onto the map of the world. families pull apart, like an awry string on a piece of clothing unravelling and unravelling until there is naught left! but you could still piece it together if you were really so inclined, and sometimes you allow for that. sister rises against sister, brother rises against brother, and now we all rise against one another. you do know that depravities are carried out by your ruthless toying, desires and discord players on the blood soaked everyday stage. yes, you're well aware that rape and molestation goes hand in hand with war, because women are just as much plunder as a fine rug or a fistful of gold to you, right? the smoky metallic scent of gunpowder, boots crunching on rock trudging across mud it is by your hands we have lost friends lost cultures lost languages and nameless people faceless people with your bloody struggles, oh; for you are the long miles of war, unforgiving, unforgotten, and hopelessly immortal.
αθάνατος // IMMORTAL (m.t. 19/02/18)
- Nature blog ^^
Denis Forkas Kostromitin.
streamers hang around the room, pink and blue and green festive in their crepe simplicity. the company is ruddy and reckless filled with good food and boxed wine (because some of us are too cheap to splurge on something so damn destructive) there is a tall man in a dark shirt his face obscured by a foil balloon bobbing away from him held up by a cotton candy pink ribbon. he smiles at her, his face open and bright his teeth a row of white tombstones and she returns the smile lackluster and unwilling. he presses the balloon into her hand and smiles at her once more. he asks why she is not happy and she shrugs simply; that is not the truth, she says, she is content, that is it. neatly wrapped presents in their dollar store paper and two dollar ribbons pile up on the table, obscuring the faces of the people behind them, building a wall of false well wishes muffling the voices of the partygoers. perhaps there was a time when she would have been all too happy to tear into the gifts and she wouldn't have cared if the edges of the paper sliced into her fingertips or if some goofball planted the adhesive bow to her shirt, for it would all be in the spirit of fun and that's what this was supposed to be, dammit, why don't you understand? this is supposed to be fun! a wassailing chorus raises up from the red faces of the partygoers and a woman is on her third glass of boxed red wine, her lips and teeth bloody her skin blotchy and red, blooms of veiny roses stretching over her cheeks and down her turkey neck. they are serenading her now and she ties her foil balloon to the back of her chair its golden smiley face donning a conical party hat (a dunce hat, how fitting!). it is battered by the ceiling fan and it makes an awful ugly noise but everyone else is too far in their cups to care about that awful ugly noise of a well wish destroyed. the cake is storebought and halfway melted (since no one had the good sense to tell me that ice cream cakes go in the freezer, is the pale excuse) and the cheap chinese wax candles are jammed into its sloppy surface. no one has made an effort to count how many damn candles were needed that year; there were twenty three candles shoved into it, twenty three wicks lit with a trembling hand, twenty three cheap chinese wax candles dripping down into the ice cream and the frosting. make a wish! they all press her their faces glowing and ruddy and all a picture of perfect merriment. make a wish, it's your birthday! she leans forward without a second thought closes her eyes in deadly concentration and puffs a few out and puffs again and again and they clap wildly even though there are still a few candles blazing, which the wino lady plucks out and turns upside down into the melted cream of the cake. she is too drunk to know better, apparently. that birthday, she wished she was dead and everyone had clapped wildly.
γενέθλια // BIRTHDAY (m.t. 16/02/18)
i take my tea with three lumps of cyanide-sugar for past present and future for they all mix and mingle and bleed into a singularity that i cannot describe. the wild milk curdles. the teapot is sterling silver hidden and covered by the aged beauty of patina and the cup is just as old, caked and cracked along the rim, stained with the ghosts of red lipstick. it is an antiquated beauty innocuous but full of promise used but neglected purposeful but uninteresting. and the teacup is just as important but it is battered with old stains. the hands that scoop the three lumps of cyanide-sugar are shaking and manicured and smell of nag champa and ivory soap, the second finger encircled by a rose gold ring; belong to the tightrope walker without her place in a circus. the first lump gives itself up to the boiling water and dissolves; its poisoned sweetness plays out the peace in the intolerance of the past of falsehood friendships of history muddy and murky and foggy of imperishable loneliness and a ersatz sense of belonging and the second lump is packed too tight and must be attacked with a spoon to get it to unfurl and melt into the tea. the hardness of the hearts around me shuttered up and unwilling to give in to my words my awkward mannerisms my clawing and twisting soul for i am too afraid of - too mean to come clean. the third lump falls apart before i can loft it onto my spoon and now i am ladling thousands of possibilities into my tea; will it rhyme with my past will i reek of pride, stink so strongly i am uninhabitable and repulse everyone? will i find myself in my own cocoon of fake widows weeds, weeping for a fake relationship that i will never ever have? (for you to like me,) will i find my stride, fit into a niche with smiling eyes and rosy skin and find friends and perfect merriment? there are too many crystals too many possibilities; they are all repeats they are all life...; the sweetness of the poison is pleasant and i accept it (because i must); its saccharine facades belie harsh truths and coldness, hollowed out emptiness. the sugar-poison (LIFE) forces its way through my veins, creating a desolate wasteland of my body and my soul. the blood bleeds black, runs red and i do not know how to feel.
τσαγιέρα // TEAPOT (m.t. 13/02/18)
8tracks mix // FOR YOU; // by martyrium
12 gifts that remind me of you, against my better judgment.
i. the stranger song // leonard cohen ii. love all around you // king dude iii. the demon me (come clean) // ROME iv. a cancer called love // :otwatm: v. my name is written in the ashes of mouraria // spiritual front vi. the waves have come // chelsea wolfe vii. rough magic // ROME viii. shine your light // king dude ix. the way we used to // chelsea wolfe x. here’s to misery (a toast) // :otwatm: xi. one of us cannot be wrong // leonard cohen xii. soulgambler // spiritual front
i will never send this letter. i look to you as the wanderer looks to the north star, gleaming high and bright and mighty in the black velvet expanse of the unending, unerring night sky. i look to you to define me as a piece of art, to praise the fine brushstrokes of fresh cream that form my arms, of the masterful hand that has painted the shining flint of my eyes, of the threads of torchlight gold that forms the mess of fuggy curls hanging heavy in my face, a curtain against the outside world. i look to you to as the ghosts of kings of ages past look to the future, to historians to retrieve their names from the dust and sand of time, to breathe vibrant and current life into the wordless flesh and bone of what once was human. i look to you as the poet looks to his muse, a glimmering and near-divine beatrice, a humble and beautiful marianne, a perfect and exalted ivory calliope; if it were not for you, i would not sing, all words would fall dead and silent and worthless. but you have a compass, so you ignore the stars. but your eyes do not appraise me as the artist may his art; but you do not care of the voices of the dead, trapped in their antiquated prisons; but you do not care for poetry (you say, 'the words are purple and syrupy and meaningless'). a few cold words fall from your lips as sharp as steel, as bitter as almonds, as cold and piercing as winter winds, a vortex of penetrating ice laying flat and dead all underneath it, numbing and deadening the flesh that reaches out to touch it. i look to you as the beleaguered sailor looks to the sea when he has had his boat torn apart on the shoals, when he has had his crew dragged into the salty depths and made into bleached skeletons and a few letters on a page for some weeping widow to read over and over again. but it is my duty to sail (and i have good sea legs) and so i shall board my boat once more and run aground once more and i shall experience that slap of death of parts once more. without you to gaze at the welcoming vastness of my sky without you to sing the praises of my linseed scent and pigments, without you to reanimate the bones of the great dead, without you to sing to me, o fair muse; i do not know what life is, and i am strangling shadows. perhaps i can find some dedication elsewhere, rebirth myself into another landscape or another dimension, where i cannot drink of the poisoned well named 'memory'. these words will fall on deaf ears, pointless little things that will be crumpled up, cocooned in the wasted paper, and condemned to flames. i will waste my words on you and your memory, but i will never send this letter.
επιστολή // LETTER (m.t. 10/02/18)
The Skeletons Agostino Musi 1518
Lucifer Cornelis Galle I 1595
INTJ female aesthetic