bloom for you.
kuroken , slight kurotsukki - hanahaki au
word count - 10.0k
The first time Kenma has ever seen a red begonia up close was when he was about ten, forced to leave the safety of his home by Kuroo himself. He has seen red begonias, for sure, but he has never made the effort to actually look at them.
He was sitting by the side of a playground, eyes glued to the device in his hands as he took occasional glances up at the other boy struggling to keep the brand new volleyball in the air.
After a while, when he looked up again for the nth time, his line of sight was only greeted by the familiar ball on the ground. The lack of troubled shouts and ball hitting skin went unnoticed by Kenma as he was too focused in his game before. Where did he go?
“Kuro?”
Putting away his device into his pocket, he hopped off the swing nonchalantly. He then scanned the scene in front of him for clues to Kuroo’s whereabouts. It did not take him long to find Kuroo's foot sticking out from between two bushes.
He walked closer and shock flashed across his face before he could stop himself,”What are you doing, Kuro?”
Kuroo’s full body then came into Kenma’s view, half lying on top of the bushes as he struggled to reach for the flowerbed behind. Said boy however ignored his question, putting full focus on reaching for the flower instead. With a huff, he gave one last push.
“I got it!” Excitedly, Kuroo wiggled out of his awkward position, body covering what was in his grasp.
“Got what?”
Kenma peered over Kuroo’s shoulder curiously with a slight frown. In his hands laid a red flower, its bright and flashy look capturing Kenma’s attention immediately.
“It’s just a flower,” He mentioned instead.
As though offended, Kuroo turned around and scoffed,”It’s not just a flower, Kenma. This is a red begonia! My father taught me a few days ago when we went to the park near school.”
The taller boy waved the flower in Kenma’s face obnoxiously, forcing him to take a step back uncomfortably. The former brought the flower closer to himself, eyes glued to it as though hypnotized. He asked,”Isn’t it pretty?”
Kenma’s gaze moved up. Kuroo’s hazel eyes sparkled in delight and amazement, still intrigued by the vibrant colour of the flower as a small smile started to grow on his face. The long-haired boy did not look back down.
“Yeah, it is.”
~
Since that day, Kenma would never admit it but he would notice red begonias more regularly than he did before. However, that was just the beginning.
A couple of years sped by, and Kenma found himself standing alone by a corner in his middle school’s graduation ceremony.
It was not his graduation, though. It was Kuroo’s.
From afar, Kuroo could be seen crowded by both boys and girls. Kenma let out a sigh, slightly regretting his decision to wait for Kuroo to head home together. He waited for another half an hour before he was approached by a boy who was much taller than him.
“About time.”
A cheeky smile climbed its way onto Kuroo’s face,”Sorry, a lot of people were waiting to talk to me. I’m really popular in my grade, you know?”
“Funny. Get over yourself.”
Kenma stopped the conversation short by setting off in the direction to their homes without warning. Kuroo followed soon after, not bothered by his usual behaviour. Their walk home was quiet, but both of them found it peaceful and comfortable.
“Before I forget, I have a gift for you at home,” Kuroo said as they took the last turn before arriving at the front of their homes,”Wait here, I’ll go get it.”
Before Kenma could question anything, Kuroo sped off into his home, leaving Kenma in a state of confusion in front of his own. What in the world is he doing?
Not long after, Kuroo reappeared, but this time, instead of having all his graduation gifts in his arms, he held a single potted red begonia with a wide grin.
Skeptical, Kenma frowned slightly,”What is this for?”
“A graduation gift for you, of course.”
His reply made Kenma frown more,”I’m sure you’re the one graduating this year, not me.”
“I know,” Kuroo emphasized, holding the begonia out towards Kenma,”But I’m certain you’ll miss seeing me everyday next year, so this will accompany you in my place instead.”
Still confused by what Kuroo was trying to say, Kenma took the potted flower from his hands anyway,”We’re literally neighbours. You progressing into high school wouldn’t make that much of a difference.”
It seemed like Kenma’s acceptance of his gift made Kuroo happy, as he turned a deaf ear to Kenma’s words. He gave a small smile,”It’s beautiful, right? Look after it well, okay? I don’t want to see it withered any time soon!”
Dumbfounded, Kenma nodded nonetheless. He should be awed by the beauty of the red begonia flower, but he found himself staring at something else which was shining.
Kuroo tilted his head to a side when he made eye contact with Kenma’s dazed ones,”Kenma?”
The sound of his name rolling off Kuroo’s tongue jolted him awake, and his eyes quickly dashed to look at his bedroom window above.
“Okay, promise. Thank you, Kuro.”
On that day, Kenma decided that he loves red begonias. Not just because they are beautiful, but also because they remind him of someone beautiful in his life.
Kuroo Tetsurou.
~
Surprisingly enough, Kenma’s last year of middle school really felt different without the annoying presence of Kuroo. Even so, the year went by as quickly as the previous ones, and soon Kenma stood in front of the gates of Nekoma High School beside second year student Kuroo.
“You look excited,” Kuroo commented, and Kenma knew it was sarcastic. Hence the now blonde boy made no attempt to rebut him, opting to go ahead and walk into school instead.
It had already been a month since his first day of school as a Nekoma High student, and if Kenma had to be honest, he was glad he had Kuroo back by his side. Even if they were in different years.
Just like every other day, his mind subconsciously followed his daily routine. Switching to indoor shoes, Kenma took a side glance at Kuroo, who was oddly quiet.
What Kenma did not expect was to see Kuroo’s indoor shoes still in his locker, and Kuroo just standing in front of it with a small note in his hands.
He looked at him expectantly. Feeling Kenma’s curious catlike gaze on him, Kuroo looked up from the note, shrugging,”I think it’s a confession note. Someone asked me to meet them by the corner staircase after school later.”
Kenma knew this should mean nothing to him, but he could not stop the feeling of his heart being squeezed and his throat tightening. He subtly gulped, looking away,”Are you going to?”
From the corner of his eyes, he can see Kuroo stuffing the note into the pocket of his school pants.
“Of course.”
It was obvious that Kuroo said more after, but Kenma then could not hear it over the loud pounding of his heart against his ribcage. He quietly announced his leave, nodding slightly as he left the lockers.
~
That day went by and not once did the thought of Kuroo meeting his admirer after school left Kenma’s mind. School finally ended, which meant the only time Kenma got to spend time with Kuroo in school came.
Volleyball training.
Kenma was itching, itching to know what happened between Kuroo and his supposed admirer. Was it a he or a she? How did they confess? How did Kuroo react? Did he say yes or no?
However, when Kenma entered the sports hall, the familiar black bedhead was nowhere to be seen.
“Kenma.” He heard his name being called, and he turned to see the second year libero waving to him with a friendly grin on his face.
“Yaku-san,” He simply greeted back.
“Have you seen Kuroo? Kai and I went to find him after class, but we couldn’t find him anywhere.”
Kenma had not seen him, but he sure knew where he was.
“No, but-”
“Are you two shit-talking about me?” A voice suddenly interrupted, causing Kenma’s heart to flip as his eyes widened in surprise.
Yaku, on the other hand, handled it smoothly,”Perhaps. Glad to see you barely making it for training, Kuroo.”
At his words, Kuroo sent a dazzling smile, but from how close he was, Kenma could see the competitive sparks forming between the two of them. Fortunately, interception was not necessary as Yaku headed off to set up the courts with the other club members.
That left Kuroo and Kenma in a blanket of silence. It might not have been awkward for Kuroo, but for Kenma, as his mind rushed to formulate low-key questions to ask about Kuroo’s relationship status, it was.
Kenma could feel his mouth turning dry while his throat tightened for some reason he could not place his finger on. It’s just a question, what is he so worried for?
Turned out, all of Kenma’s worries were for nothing when Kuroo spoke up first.
“It’s a girl from your year.” It was as though Kuroo could read his mind as he spoke, making Kenma turn to look at him,”I turned her down, anyway. She wasn’t really my type.”
Kenma felt a chill run down his spine once Kuroo’s words entered his head. He looked away immediately, not wanting to risk the chance of Kuroo seeing how he truly felt from his eyes.
“Oh, that’s a pity.”
For the first time in Kenma’s life, he felt a different type of relief. It is not the same relief he feels after every training session, or the relief he feels after finally beating the final boss in games.
Kuroo would never understand how much those four simple words of ‘I turned her down’ meant to him.
~
Another year passed, and it is finally the present.
In that one year, Kenma was not sure whether Kuroo was hiding it from him or not, but Kuroo never received another confession after that day. One side of Kenma felt relieved, but the other felt confused. Why was he thinking this way?
He did not dwell on it though, as the new year rolled in and he finally became a second year.
Initially, it seemed like the new year would be just like the one before, maybe even better since Kuroo became the team captain. The only difference is that for this year, for the first time in a really long time, their school reunited with their old rival.
Karasuno High School.
“Kuro.”
Their last practice match for the day has finally ended. Both teams are now given the chance to properly interact with each other, but the sole thought of that only makes Kenma’s heart race as he runs away from the creepy setter of the other school.
“Hey, Kenma,” Kuroo greets in return with a smile as he watches the smaller boy’s hair bounce while approaching him,“How was today?”
“Okay, I guess.”
“Are you sure it was just ‘okay’?”
Kenma’s gaze drops from Kuroo’s eyes, taking in his sweaty form discreetly. He gulps inwardly, looking back up quickly and frowning,“What do you mean? It’s just like any other practice matches.”
A smirk grows onto Kuroo’s face,“I saw how you were looking at the shrimp from Karasuno. You just like how you do when you buy a new game. Sparkling eyes and all. You hardly look like that.”
His eyes squint accusingly,“Shoyo is just interesting. You don’t understand.”
“I do,” The other male insists,“Ask me the same questions.”
There is an excited glimmer in his eyes, and even if Kenma finds it highly suspicious, he plays along anyway.
“Okay, how was today?”
Kuroo’s shoulders drop. Kenma knows he’s mocking him.
“Okay, I guess,” He replies in a monotonous tone, but his eyes pressure him to continue the conversation.
Kenma sighs,”Are you sure it was just ‘okay’?”
At that statement, Kuroo hurriedly looks at their surroundings, as though making sure nobody can eavesdrop on their conversation. Kenma looks around instinctively, then looking back at the other male suspiciously. What is Kuroo up to?
Once Kuroo knows the coast is clear, he bends down slightly so he can whisper to Kenma.
“I trust you,” He states, and Kenma frowns.
“What?”
“Do you see the tall Karasuno middle blocker over there?”
Kenma’s eyes follow the direction Kuroo’s finger is discretely pointing at, landing on the back of a Karasuno jersey with the white numbers ‘11’. His frown deepens.
“What about him?”
The finger drops. “I think he’s pretty cute, I heard he’s a first-year.”
The sentence takes a few seconds to register into Kenma’s head, and when it finally does, he feels his stomach drop. The familiar yet unfamiliar feeling of his heart being squeezed and throat tightening returns from about a year ago. Maybe Kenma forgot how it actually felt, but this time, it feels worse.
What is this?
Kenma unwillingly lets out a cough to clear the uncomfortable feeling in his throat, but he plays it off as a choke from surprise. However, he is not given a chance to reply as Kuroo continues.
“I’m going to talk to him.”
Kuroo is his best friend. Who is he to stop him from going for the person he’s interested in?
He takes a deep breath, hoping Kuroo will not realize how shaky his voice is when he opens his mouth to speak,”This is unnecessary information. I don’t remember asking, really. Plus he lives in Miyagi, how is this going to work?”
It is as though Kenma did not mention the first two sentences, as a wide grin is plastered on Kuroo’s face while he pats Kenma’s back playfully.
“Shrimp lives in Miyagi too.”
“Huh?”
“You won’t understand now, Kenma, but you will, soon!”
With that, Kuroo announces his departure, heading off to the blonde middle blocker and leaving Kenma behind to drown in his own thoughts.
~
Kenma has never liked camps, especially volleyball training camps.
Training camps are a chore, and Kenma hates going through unnecessary trouble. However, there’s a change this time, for Karasuno High School will be joining them for this year’s annual training camp.
Kenma felt indifferent to it, or maybe even looking slightly forward to it, at the idea of playing against Shoyo again. However, Karasuno does not only have Shoyo. They have the tall blonde middle blocker as well.
Are they in contact? Do they text everyday?
Kenma does not know. Kuroo never mentioned anything about him since that day.
Still, why is he so worried anyway?
This is just a training camp. He knows Karasuno High School, and Karasuno High School knows them. How much of a difference would one person actually make?
However, when he stands in front of the entrance of the third gym of Shinzen High School, he finds out how wrong he was to assume that.
Last year, it was a regular night routine for Kenma, Kuroo, Akaashi and Bokuto to train together for extra practice during training camp. Kenma was not entirely willing at first, but somehow when he saw Kuroo’s pleading eyes, he could not stop himself from saying ‘yes’.
After the first day, Kuroo dragged Kenma along with him to find Akaashi and Bokuto for the rest of the camp no matter how much Kenma protested. It seemed as though he did not want to be there, but truthfully, Kenma was really happy that Kuroo remembered and included him.
Hence the boy naturally assumed the same would happen at this year’s training camp. Though, that is not the case.
“Yaku-san, have you seen Kuro?”
He remembers asking, and he remembers the shorter boy mentioning their captain’s earlier leave from the sports hall.
He found it weird. Why didn’t Kuroo ask him along if they were going to head to the same place?
Now, he does not find it weird anymore.
“Watch out, Four Eyes, Bokuto’s straight is coming!”
Kenma’s keen catlike gaze follows Kuroo’s body as he prepares for a block. The Nekoma captain jumps, and alongside him is the Karasuno number ‘11’. The block turns out successful, and he watches Kuroo turn to his side to ask for a victory five from the other blocker.
Everything looks okay, everything looks just right. Everything looks perfect.
The lack of Kenma’s presence inside the third gym appears to not have any impact on the other three males as the atmosphere inside remains the same as last year, filled with drive and competitiveness.
Kenma subconsciously takes a few small steps back from the entrance of the gym quietly, not wanting to interrupt their session.
The sound of shoes squeaking and balls hitting the ground gradually gets softer as the beating of Kenma’s heart gradually gets louder.
“Come on, Four Eyes! I’m sure you’re better than this.”
His eyes freezes upon the sight of Kuroo patting the first-year’s back teasingly yet encouragingly. The sight is so familiar, but this time, the back Kuroo is patting is not Kenma’s.
Is he so easily replaceable in Kuroo’s life?
It is the same feeling again, the feeling of his throat tightening and his heart getting squeezed.
His breaths become heavier while his steps back become bolder. The world starts to spin, making him feel nauseous as his mind races. A pain shoots through his chest, doubling the nauseousness he is facing.
What’s happening?
Turning on his heels, he starts running to the nearest toilet he can find. Not only because he has the urge to vomit, but also because he does not want to be seen by Kuroo any time soon.
Fortunately for Kenma, the toilet he finds is empty.
He does not need anyone around him right now. He does not want people to ask about him. He just wants to be alone.
He can feel the sourness of the bile in his mouth when he pushes the toilet door open, wasting no time to bend over the nearest sink. Tears start to well up in his eyes as he begins to painfully choke from the suffocating feeling in his throat.
Something smooth slides down his tongue, but Kenma’s vision is too blurred from the tears to take a proper look at what lands in the sink. All he sees is red.
Blood?
Hands shaking, he lifts them up from the sink to wipe his tears away. He blinks to get leftover tears out of his eyes, before looking down.
His heart drops immediately.
A flower. Not just any flower, a red begonia. The flower he is so familiar with, the flower he waters every day. The flower that reminds him of his best friend, Kuroo Tetsurou.
How is this possible?
Kenma has no time to think through when the feeling returns and he starts coughing all over again.
~
Kenma does not know how long he has been alone in the darkness of the toilet. All he knows is that there are a bunch of dead red begonia flowers in the sink, and his throat hurts.
Slumping against the dirty toilet wall, he lets out a shaky breath. He is tired and thirsty, but he cannot find the strength within himself to stand up and leave the place he is so sick of now.
Just as he feels his consciousness slipping off the tips of his fingers, the door creaks, bringing light into the dark space.
Kuroo?
He weakly forces his head up to look in curiosity, and his dead eyes meet with bright and concerned ones.
“Kenma! Oh my gosh, are you okay?”
Before Kenma can fully take in his arrival, Hinata dashes towards him in horror. “What happened to you?”
He makes no effort to speak considering how much pain his throat is in, opting to communicate with the orange-head through eyes instead. His gaze moves over to the flower filled sink, causing Hinata’s to follow.
Kenma watches Hinata’s eyes widen in shock at the sight in front of him. “What is this?”
Not knowing the answer himself either, he moves his hand up his throat, lazily showing a vomiting gesture. Something flashes across Hinata’s eyes for a split second, but Kenma pays it no mind as the former brings his arm over his shoulders.
“On three, you stand, okay?”
Kenma nods. Fortunately, Kenma is not as tall as other volleyball players, as Hinata manages to support him out of the toilet with ease.
It is as though Hinata is able to read Kenma’s mind. Upon exit, the shorter male scans the hall to avoid crossing paths with others. Afterwards, he quickly guides him towards an empty classroom nearby.
“I’ll get some water for you, okay? Just wait here,” Hinata turns swiftly, but stops short when Kenma grabs his shirt sleeve. He looks back, on high alert,”What’s wrong?”
Kenma gulps, and a shot of pain runs down his spine,”P-please don’t t-tell anyone.”
At that, Kenma sees Hinata’s eyes soften as a reassuring smile grows on the latter’s face.
“Okay, I promise, Kenma.”
Hinata then leaves Kenma to be in the darkness alone again, surrounded by thoughts he wants to avoid.
What’s going on with him? Why is this happening to him? What caused this? Is he sick?
Thankfully, Hinata returns with a bottle of water and a wet towel before the darkness can overwhelm him.
Kenma bows appreciatively as he takes the bottle from Hinata, chugging down the water immediately. The pain in his throat becomes numb as the cold water flows down, finally bringing Kenma the peace he has been seeking for the past hours.
“You were missing for hours, you know? I was looking for you after I took a shower but none of your teammates knew where you were, so I volunteered to find you,” Hinata starts to explain, now passing the wet towel.
“Thank you, Shoyo,” Kenma whispers in return, feeling too exhausted to speak any louder as he refreshes himself with the towel.
From the corner of his eyes, he can see Hinata eyeing him suspiciously, and he knows he wants to know more.
“Just ask if you want to.”
Hinata sighs.
“What happened?”
That is one question he would like to know the answer to as well. Kenma suddenly feels a chill, and lets out a long breath,”I-I don’t know.”
A blanket of silence follows, but it does not stay for long.
“You vomited those flowers, right?” Hinata asks, but it feels like a slap to Kenma’s face,”Do you want to head home? I think you should go to the hospital. You’re not in the state to play volleyball.”
Immediately, denial comes. “No,” Rubbing his eyes tiredly, he shakes his head,”I don’t want people to know what happened. I’m fine now. It’s okay, don’t worry. Maybe I ate something wrong.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m okay. Thank you for finding me, Shoyo.”
The real question is, is he trying to comfort Hinata or himself?
~
Kenma is not okay.
By now, he has already lost count of how many times he ran to the toilet in the middle of a practice match to vomit the same flowers he is so sick of now. He has not been performing well either, considering how many times he has dropped the ball in just one set and how many times he is unable to set accurately to his teammates.
He has also noticed the strange looks given to him by his teammates and the opponent teams, but no matter how many times people ask him about his wellbeing, he will just insist that he is okay.
It is easy to avoid people especially when they have questions Kenma does not want to answer, but the same cannot be applied with Kuroo, whose eyes have been drilling into the back of Kenma’s skull for the past hour. He knows that sooner or later Kuroo will corner him to find out what is happening.
From afar, he is able to feel Hinata’s worried gaze on him from time to time, which occasionally he will send a small smile back, in hopes to ease his worries.
However, he knows his body will not be able to withstand his fatigue any time soon.
“Kenma, here’s your water.”
Kenma barely hears what Kuroo says to him, as the world starts to spin slightly, and every sound that enters his ears is muffled. His throat starts to itch again as he brings the bottle of water to his mouth.
“Hey,” He hears someone say, and that person grabs his shoulders so that he will face them. His eyes meet with Kuroo’s,”Are you sure you’re okay? You look out of it.”
There is a second delay before Kenma realizes how close he is standing to Kuroo. His heart suddenly throbs as he pushes Kuroo’s hands away from him without thinking twice.
Feeling his cheeks turn hot, he looks away,”Sorry. I’m fine, don’t worry about it.”
“If you say so,” Hearing that makes Kenma feel relieved, but his heart drops next,”Anyway, I got to play with Tsukki after training yesterday! I feel like he might like me back, but I’m not sure yet. There’s progress.”
Kuroo’s warm smile used to make Kenma feel at ease no matter the circumstances, but this time, Kenma only feels the pain from his chest and the flower petals begging to be thrown up. Kenma chokes, trying to keep the petals in as Kuroo hits his back excitedly.
Tsukki? Is that some sort of nickname?
“Huh? Did I hit you too hard?”
“N-no,” Kenma breathes in deeply, forcing a small smile,”I believe he’ll like you back, Kuro. Sorry, I need to go again.”
However, before Kenma can even take a step away from Kuroo, his vision goes black and he loses his balance. He feels his body fall, but someone grabs him before he touches the ground.
“Kenma! Are you okay?”
“Oh my God.”
“Give him space! Don’t crowd around him!”
“What happened to him?”
Yeah, what’s happening to him?
~
The next time Kenma opens his eyes, he finds himself in the darkness within four white walls, in an unfamiliar bed and unfamiliar dressing.
The next thing he notices is the beeping sound coming from his left. Turning his head, his eyes land on a machinery, which he immediately recognizes as a heart rate monitor.
He’s in the hospital?
“Oh, Kozume-san, you’re awake.”
He jumps, and his head whips to the other side of the room to see a man dressed in a white coat sliding the room door close. He watches the doctor carefully as the only other person in the room takes a seat in front of his bed.
Looking down, he takes in his new dressing and the bed he is resting in. The entire room has a significant smell, the smell of cleanliness and antiseptic. Everything feels so white, so clean, so dreadful. Everything about hospitals reminds Kenma of death itself and he hates it.
He looks back up, eyes locking on the nametag by the side of his coat immediately. Hano Akira, doctor.
A friendly smile grows on the doctor’s face. “How are you feeling?”
How is he feeling? He doesn’t know.
His chest feels heavy as he clears his throat to reply,”Okay.”
“Do you know where you are and what happened before?”
His gaze shifts from the doctor to stare at an empty corner of the room, thinking hard.
“I fainted at a volleyball training camp,” He answers simply.
“That’s right,” Hano nods, not minding his simple reply,”Your teacher sent you to the hospital earlier today. It’s night time now, you’ve been resting for half the day already. You fainted because of dehydration and exhaustion from overworking yourself. I heard you were vomiting as well, which was probably the cause of dehydration.”
There is a nagging feeling in the back of Kenma’s mind telling him to mention the red begonias, but before his mind can come up with a statement, Hano beats him to it.
The doctor sighs, which makes Kenma look back at him. Running a hand through his hair tiredly, he places the clipboard in his hand on his lap as though preparing for a complicated conversation.
This makes Kenma’s hairs on the back of his neck stand. What does he know?
“This is important information that I’m telling you, okay? Please pay attention.”
He nods.
“During your check up, we found withered flower petals and stems in your lungs. It’s a symptom for a rare disease. May I know when you vomited, did you vomit flowers?”
It is as though Kenma’s thoughts have just been ripped out of his head by the doctor. Mind flashing back to the many scarily lonely and painful trips to the school toilet, his breathing quickens as his hands start to shake and sweat cold sweat.
Rare disease? What the hell? Because of the rare disease, I vomited red begonias?
“I-it’s fine, Kozume-san.” The doctor cuts his train of thoughts, bringing him back to reality,”You have the Hanahaki Disease, it’s contracted when the person faces one-side lov-”
“I-I! I don’t want to know about it, please.”
Only when he hears his own voice, then he realizes how tightly he is gripping onto the blanket on the bed, for his knuckles have already become white. His wide eyes meet Hano’s surprised ones.
Kenma forces himself to let go of the blanket as he takes in a deep breath to calm himself down. Why is he getting so worked up for? Is it because he doesn't want to face reality that’s right in front of him right now?
“I’m sorry, Doctor,” He gulps, shivering slightly when a pain follows,”I’m fine. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure I don’t have the disease.”
“Kozume-san, but-”
“I would like to know when I can be discharged, please.”
His gaze lowers, avoiding the doctor’s at all cost. The sound of the chair being pushed back and footsteps walking out of the room follow, and Kenma heaves a sigh of relief.
Kenma’s not dumb. He recognizes the name. He knows what the doctor is talking about, and he can guess who is the one who caused this to him.
Why didn’t he think of this earlier?
~
Hanahaki Disease. A disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. It ends when the beloved returns their feelings romantically, or when the victim dies. It can be cured through surgical removal, but when the infection is removed, the victim's romantic feelings for their love also disappear. There is a chance where the victim’s memories of the beloved disappear as well.
Kenma sighs.
As he scrolls down the page to find more information, his phone suddenly starts to ring.
In the darkness of his bedroom in the middle of the night, the sudden noise makes him jump, but when he sees the caller id on his bright screen, his heart rate slows down.
“Hello?”
“Kenma! Sorry I couldn’t call earlier. How are you feeling?” The warmth of the voice manages to reach Kenma despite the distance, and that makes Kenma smile.
“Shoyo, it’s 1 in the morning. Why are you awake?”
“I heard you just got home a while ago! And you haven’t answered me, how are you feeling?”
It has been almost three hours since he has left the hospital with his parents. Everyone was worried, it seems, as his phone was blown up with notifications from his team when he finally got it back. There was one person, however, whom he has not heard from ever since he was in Shinzhen High School.
“Okay, I guess.” Lies.
He has been running from his bed to the toilet and back every ten minutes since he set foot into his home three hours ago. He is tired for sure, but the uncomfortable feeling in his chest and the constant need to regurgitate prevent him from lulling to sleep.
“I see.” Hinata takes it anyway,”What did the doctor say? You won’t be returning to training camp, right?”
“Dehydration and exhaustion. I’m not allowed to.”
There is a pause. “Anything else?”
Kenma squints his eyes suspiciously. He is rather certain Hinata knows by now, so is he just trying to get him to tell him everything?
Nonetheless, he replies,”Yes. The doctor mentioned Hanahaki Disease.”
“Ah.” From this, Kenma can tell that Hinata has done his research. “What do you think?”
“It might be true,” Kenma mutters bluntly,”And I don’t really have a chance, so I might end up dying anyway.”
“Huh?” His tone is anxious,”What are you talking about? There’s no way you’re going to die. M-May I know who is the person?”
Maybe it’s because he has never actually spoken about it out loud before, but even though he has already come to terms with it, he feels his stomach drop with queasiness when he replies,”Sure. It’s Kuro.”
Suddenly there is pin drop silence.
“Hello?”
“O-Oh! Sorry, I was doing something,” The reply comes immediately after, and Kenma knows he’s lying,”You said Kuroo, right? I see. Anyway, I’m sure you’re tired. I won’t bother you anymore, okay? I need to get up early for tomorrow’s training too. Rest well, Kenma.”
He wants to ask more, he wants to know more. However, the calling from within his body makes him do otherwise,”Okay, you too, Shoyo.”
Kenma’s about to put down the phone to run to the toilet for the nth time when Hinata suddenly speaks.
“Kenma? Are you still there?”
He swallows hard, wincing as he forces the bile down. “Yes?”
“I promise I’ll save you, okay? You’re my friend, I won’t let you down.”
Even if these are the words he wants to hear from someone else, it warms his heart nevertheless and he finally no longer feels isolated in this situation.
“Thank you, Shoyo.”
~
For the first time in Kenma’s life, he is happy that he is not in the same class or cohort as Kuroo.
After the training camp ended, Kenma only saw Kuroo once outside of school. Considering how they are practically neighbours, this occurrence is definitely something out of the ordinary.
The one time was the day when training camp ended, Kuroo came to pay a visit to Kenma and check on his well-being. Kenma hated how just the presence of Kuroo could brighten his horrid experience so easily, and he hated himself for giving the black-haired boy such power over him.
However, after day, Kenma never saw Kuroo again.
No matter what time of the day it is, whenever Kenma goes over to find Kuroo, he will only be greeted by Kuroo’s father, who claims that Kuroo’s out studying with a friend. Lies.
They even stop going to school together. Because of Kenma’s early morning vomiting sessions, Kuroo never waits for him to leave anymore. Hence they really do not have any chance to talk other than during volleyball training, which Kenma holds close to his heart and appreciates more than ever before.
Another thing is that Kenma’s so sick of red begonias now. It is as though its beauty is mocking him, staring back at him from the bottom of the sink as he empty his insides. He does not only hate them for their beauty, but also for reminding him of the person giving him the most problems right now.
He is not happy because he gets to avoid any unwanted interactions or confrontations with Kuroo, it is because he can handle his new tendencies without anyone questioning him.
Other than the second-years in the team, barely anyone talks to Kenma in their year, unless deemed necessary. Kenma thus finds himself extremely fortunate that none of them are in the same class as him as he enters every class with a face mask on covering his mouth.
Though, this fortune is a short lived one as the school day will always end with volleyball training. Even if he looks forward to training to see Kuroo, he has to deal with all the curious questions that come along with it.
“Hey, Kenma! What are you wearing the mask for?”
He winces as he recognizes the voice of Yamamoto. Turning around, he greets the over energetic male dully,”Hello, Yamamoto. I got a cold sore.”
“Oh, I see.” He walks past Kenma towards the school gym, and Kenma follows suit, glad that he did not question more,”Are you better now? You’ve missed a lot of training because of your medical leave.”
Having a cold sore may be a lie, but it is not far off the truth. Because of the endless amount of flowers coming out from him, his lips earned a couple of cuts along the way.
“Yeah, I’m feeling better,” Kenma lies through his teeth, as though he did not just leave the toilet after vomiting a bunch of begonias into the toilet bowl.
“That’s good! Can’t wait for you to set for me today!”
Honestly, Kenma cannot wait either.
If only he can do it.
~
“Kenma! What’s up with you today?”
He stands in front of Coach Nekomata nervously, eyes glued to the ground as he fiddles with the corner of his shorts. From the corner of his eyes, he can see the rest of Nekoma cleaning and packing up, but he knows they are paying attention to the conversation.
“Sorry, Coach.”
“You know how important this period of time is, Kenma. I can’t have my only setter not being able to set to my other players.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Seeing how many times you missed receiving and setting really scares me. If you’re still not feeling well, don’t force yourself. You should be fully well before coming back to practice.”
Kenma is panting hard, but he does not whether it is because of training or because of his disability to breathe properly with all the flowers stuck in his throat and lungs. The immense pain in his chest comes and goes, disallowing Kenma from doing anything strenuous.
“Okay.”
With that, Coach Nekomata dismisses him, letting him join the team to clean up the gym. By then, they are already almost done with cleaning, and it is time to head home.
After one final trip to the school’s toilet, he finds himself walking beside Kuroo with the rest of the team ahead of them. It seems as though the team had collectively agreed to let Kuroo handle the problem Kenma has that is affecting the entire team’s dynamic, but Kuroo did not get the memo.
Kenma looks at the oblivious taller boy awkwardly as the latter taps incessantly onto his phone, paying no attention to his surroundings with a giddy smile plastered on his face.
It was the same during training. The only time Kenma gets to have with Kuroo in school is ripped away from the palm of his hands as Kuroo pays zero attention to the setter. His body was physically in the gym, but his mind was elsewhere.
“K-Kuro?”
Kenma knows it is because Kuroo’s too immersed in texting whoever he is texting to hear him, but he blames it on the mask he is wearing instead.
“Kuro.”
This time, he grabs the sleeve of the team jacket he is wearing, proving an effective method as Kuroo finally looks away from the brightness of his phone. Their eyes meet, and Kenma feels his heart stop.
“What’s up?”
Does Kuroo not know what happened?
Dumbfounded, Kenma looks down, and he remembers the phone in Kuroo’s hand. “Who are you texting?”
For some reason, this simple question immediately brings light into Kuroo’s eyes. Kenma can only wish to have this kind of impact on the boy.
“Tsukki, remember, the middle blocker from Karasuno? His name is Tsukishima Kei.”
Then, Kenma realizes he regrets asking.
“I really think I have a shot with him, Kenma,” Kuroo smiles, a smile Kenma has never seen before, and the pain in Kenma’s chest doubles,”He seems as interested in me as I do in him. I was thinking about how to ask him out during practice just now.”
“A-Ah, that’s great,” Kenma feels the familiar feeling of the flower petal at the top of his throat, and he swallows hard to force it back down,”I need to get something from the convenience store. You guys can go ahead first.”
What Kenma is expecting is for Kuroo to volunteer to go with him, like usual. However, Kuroo instead just nods in acknowledgement, then speeding up to catch up with the rest of the team. His head looks back down as he walks, back to typing away on his phone and leaving Kenma alone just like before.
Numb, Kenma stands in the same position where Kuroo left him for a while, processing what just happened before the disease pays its regular visits and sends Kenma running again.
Tsukishima Kei took everything from Kenma. His life as a volleyball player, his special bond with Kuroo, Kuroo Tetsurou himself. He is the one who cursed him with this disease, not Kuroo. Kenma hates Tsukishima Kei.
If only Kuroo had not met him.
~
“No.”
“What do you mean by ‘no’?”
“I’m not doing it.”
“Kenma, your health is on the line here. I don’t think you have a choice.”
Kenma remembers this conversation.
It is one he and Hinata had the night before, one that is almost exactly the same as the one he had with Coach Nekomata, but the second time, the dreadful Hanahaki Disease plays a part in it.
Hinata has been begging the past few days for Kenma to quit volleyball and put his own health above everything else. Kenma knows his good intentions, but how can he quit the only thing that connects him and Kuroo together?
“I will get better, Shoyo.”
Kenma heard his sigh from the other side of the line,”I don’t think that’s how it works, and I also want to tell you that I found a very reliable doctor who specializes in Hanahaki Disease surgeries here in Miyagi. That is, if you are willing to travel. If you’re not, I can find one in Tokyo.”
If he really ends up going for the surgery, he would rather have it done in Miyagi, where his hometown friends would not be able to find out. However, there’s still one more factor to consider.
“I’m okay with Miyagi, but if I go for surgery, there’s a chance where I lose my memories of Kuro, right?”
Silence followed before Hinata answered,”Yes.”
Kenma’s mind was clear. As cliche as it was, he would rather die knowing how much Kuroo impacted his life than not remembering Kuroo at all. After voicing his thoughts, Kenma remembers Hinata sighing once again, before giving in and starting to give advice on how to approach Kuroo instead.
Kenma rejected countless brainless suggestions from Hinata, but the orange-haired boy did not give up. Eventually, it was Kenma’s turn to give in, and he accepted the one he finds most feasible by far.
Still, nothing mentally prepared Kenma for what he is about to see.
With a box of grilled salted mackerel pike in one hand, he stands near the gates by the entrance of the school. Having woken up earlier than usual, Kenma has spent half of his morning cooking with a little help from his mother and the other half bending over the toilet bowl.
It was both painful and tiring, but Kenma knows that it will bring a smile to Kuroo’s face and brighten up his day by at least a little. That is enough for Kenma to find that it is worth his early morning suffering.
After his terrible performance during training the day before, Coach Nekomata decided to give the team a good break by cancelling training today. Hence Kenma decided to make good use of this opportunity to spend some time with Kuroo.
He looks at the time on the screen of his phone. Kuroo should be out by about now.
And Kenma is right.
From afar, Kenma catches sight of Kuroo changing to his outdoor shoes by the lockers, and the grip he has on the handle of the bag tightens. He feels his heartbeat start to race, beginning to feel nervous.
It is just like any other day, where he and Kuroo walk home together after school. Why is he reacting this way?
He watches as the male waves goodbye to his classmates and starts heading for the school gates. Mustering up his courage, he opens his mouth to speak.
“Kuro.”
Kenma is not sure whether it is because of the mask again that causes Kuroo to not be able to hear him or because Kuroo seems fixated on something else.
While Kenma is looking at him, Kuroo is looking in the other direction. Following his gaze, Kenma’s eyes fall onto a tall hooded figure standing at the other end of the gate.
Who is that?
Kuroo walks straight towards the unknown person, not noticing Kenma’s presence in the slightest. A small smile slowly grows on the boy’s face as he taps the person’s shoulder, and when the person turns, Kuroo smiles a smile Kenma has honestly never seen before.
It is a bright smile filled with adoration, a smile filled with love. A rare smile from Kuroo, a rare smile that will never be directed to Kozume Kenma.
Kuroo brings the person in for a hug, and their hood drops. A blonde head is revealed, the hood then bringing Kenma’s heart down together with it. The all too familiar feeling of his stomach churning and chest suffocating returns.
“Tsukki! Have you been waiting long?”
“Not at all, Kuroo-san,” The younger male replies,”I just arrived not too long ago.”
“That’s good! Let’s head to the movie theatre first, we need to get tickets.”
Kuroo swings his arm over the bespectacled boy’s shoulder, guiding him in the direction of the nearest mall, opposite of where Kenma is standing.
Kenma does not notice that he has already lost grip of the bag with the food, as it lands on the ground hardly and spills its contents all over. He only notices how small he is, how insignificant he is in the world of Kuroo Tetsurou.
Who is he to get in between their happiness?
At that moment, Kenma realizes he has been wrong all this while. It is neither Kuroo nor Tsukishima who caused him to get the Hanahaki Disease. The real culprit has been himself all along.
~
Kenma does not know how long he has left. Two months? Two weeks? Two days?
However, what he knows is that he should not be feeling so comfortable with the disease. He has detached himself from everything, from school, from volleyball, from his family. The only thing that reminds him he is still living on Earth is the fact that he cannot stop vomiting.
His parents pay no mind to him locking himself in his room everyday, they just think he is gaming as per normal. And Kenma would like to keep it that way.
“Did you do it?”
“Yeah, I’m officially not a member anymore.”
Kenma hears Hinata’s sigh of relief, and yet he cannot find himself feeling the same way as his friend does.
Not long after his homemade mackerel snack went to waste, he found himself standing in the middle of the teacher’s room with a club withdrawal form in his hands. He remembers himself shaking as the form was passed from his hands to his teacher’s, half knowing he is going to regret it and half knowing this is for his best.
With the explanation that he has a disease that he needs to go for an operation for, he is officially removed from the lineup of the Nekoma volleyball club with immediate effect. He has not seen any of the club members physically since then, he could only explain his situation halfheartedly online.
‘Will you return?’
‘Maybe.’
“That’s good. By the way, please remember you have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow at 2pm.”
He lets out a shaky breath,”I remember.”
“I’ll meet you at the train station, then we can head to the hospital together.”
“Okay, thank you so much, Shoyo.”
Hinata replies, and Kenma knows he is smiling,”I already told you, Kenma. I’ll save you, and that’s a promise!”
That is what Hinata says, but all Kenma thinks about is how he is going to repay Hinata for everything he has done for him. For if Kenma had not met Hinata, he would have been all alone throughout the journey, with no one to trust and no one to turn to. Hinata brought light into the darkness he is facing because of the disease.
How fortunate, he is able to be Hinata’s friend.
His words bring a small smile to Kenma’s face. Before he can answer, he hears his home doorbell, which immediately makes his smile drop.
“Sorry, Shoyo, I need to answer the door,” He mutters apologetically.
“It’s fine! Take care of yourself, okay? See you, Kenma!”
Swinging his legs across his bed, he tiredly forces himself out of his room. The doorbell has been incessantly ringing, making him furrow his eyebrows in irritation. Who the hell is that?
What he does not expect when he swings the door open is to see Kuroo, panting hard and drenched in sweat from head to toe. His hair is no longer standing as it sticks onto his forehead because of the sweat.
Still, Kenma manages to find Kuroo ethereal.
“What are you doing here, Kuro?”
His heart is racing, and he is starting to find it hard to breathe.
“What am I doing here?” Kuroo questions back,”I should be the one asking you what are you doing here? At the comfort of your home, when you should have been at training minutes ago!”
Kenma’s frown deepens,”What? Don’t you know I have already quit the team?”
Kuroo’s eyes are different, different than usual. His eyes are hard and angry, and he has never looked at Kenma like this before.
“I know! And I had to hear it from the rest of the team! What the hell, Kenma? A disease? What an excuse. Don’t be so selfish. This is a time when the team needs the brain the most, we need you the most, and you’re bailing out on us? I can’t believe you.”
Kenma should not be feeling this way, but he cannot stop the tears threatening to fall upon hearing Kuroo’s words.
“I-I’m not being selfish, Kuro.” His fingers findle with the sleeves of his hoodie anxiously,”I already explained myself in the groupchat. Didn’t you read it? I don’t want to leave the team, but I don’t have a choice.”
“Sure you don’t. You look perfectly fine to me. Just because you’re too lazy to play anymore doesn’t mean you can just give up on the entire team. Just come back for the next training.”
“What? No, I can’t. I really can’t, Kuro.”
“Stop denying. I’ve been your best friend for so long, you can’t lie to me. Just listen to me, Kenma.”
Suddenly, Kenma’s dejection evaporates and anger replaces it instead. He uses his hoodie sleeve to rub away his tears roughly, leaving a stinging feeling behind as he vents,”No. You listen to me! You don’t know what I’m going through right now, don’t think you know everything about me. I-I am suffering from Hanahaki Disease, and I can’t do anything strenuous!”
Silence follows, and Kenma regrets everything he says.
“Hanahaki Disease?” Kuroo finally speaks after staring at him blankly for a few seconds,”That’s funny, Kenma. Good joke. There’s no way you have that, it’s so rare.”
Something breaks within Kenma. Is it the trust he has in Kuroo or his heart?
He can feel the all too familiar feeling of flower stems crawling up his throat. Pain shoots through his chest as he takes in a deep breath to calm himself down. He feels so weak, and he hates feeling like this in front of others, especially Kuroo.
Bringing up a finger accusingly, he snaps back,“Y-You don’t understand how hard it has been for me the past weeks, and how hard it was for me to actually confess that to you. Yet you brushed it away so easily. I got this stupid disease because of my stupid feelings for you! Will you believe me when I finally bloom for you?”
Now finding it difficult to breathe, he turns to enter his home without waiting for Kuroo’s reply. Before he can slam his door shut, Kuroo’s voice stops him.
“Kenma-”
Kenma turns back to face Kuroo for the last time and forces a smile,“I wish I never met you.”
~
No matter where he is or how old he is, Kenma will never like hospitals. The entire general vibe of hospitals just throws him off, and he hates it.
“Kenma, are you feeling okay?”
He nods.
With yesterday’s events thrown behind him, he approached the new day with a smile, for this is the day when he finally gets to be free from the stems holding him down against his will. His trip to Miyagi was luckily not troubled by , and he managed to arrive at the foot of the hospital with Hinata safely.
“You’re not having regrets, are you? Oh no. Do you need anything? I’ll get them for you.”
Hinata’s nervous, which is weird for someone who is meant to be an emotional support for the person going for an operation. They look like they have switched roles.
Grabbing Hinata’s wrist before he can run off, Kenma pulls him back down onto his seat, saying,“Stop. I’m fine, Hinata. Don’t worry.”
Hinata stares at him worriedly, causing the blondie to look back at him with a frown.
“I told you, I’m fine.”
Hinata sighs in response, then shaking his body which Kenma can only assume is to calm down his nerves. His gaze moves from the boy beside him to face the doctor across them as the doctor turns back around. A document is placed on the table in front of them, and Kenma notices his name written in bold on the top.
“I have checked your status and I can deem you ready for surgery any time. Even though we already have your parents’ approval, we still need your approval first before we can proceed. Are you certain you want to undergo this surgery?”
It was difficult. After knowing how Kuroo reacted to knowing about Kenma’s Hanahaki Disease, it was difficult for Kenma to come forward and confess to his parents about it. However, he needed his parents’ approval before he could actually do anything. At least, they reacted better than Kuroo did.
They were upset at first, of course, but they knew why he kept it a secret from them initially. From Kenma’s eyes, he also knows how bad they felt for not noticing what was going on in his life.
“Yes, I’m certain.”
“Just to be sure, Kozume-san, you do know of the possible after effects of the Hanahaki removal surgery, right?”
“I do.”
“Do you still want to go for it?”
Kenma pauses.
“Yes.”
~
He has never felt his body feel so light in a long time.
It has been almost a week since he agreed to having the Hanahaki removal operation, and Kenma has never been more happy. The doctors have finally decided to discharge him after a week, allowing him to leave the godforsaken dreadful place people call a hospital.
“Welcome home, Kenma,” His father comments as he pulls up the car,”I’m glad to see you looking so much happier.”
Over the week, his parents dropped by occasionally to check up on him, but they never got to stay for long because of work commitments back in Tokyo. Regardless, he never feels alone because Hinata would never fail to visit him after school and training.
“I’ll bring your bags home first.”
“Thank you.”
Kenma swings the door open softly, exiting the car carefully. Taking a deep breath, he indulges himself in the familiar scent of his home area. It warms his heart, and he smiles.
Walking towards his home’s open door, he stops short when he realizes an odd boy staring at him from the house next door with wide eyes. Kenma frowns in confusion, but decides to ignore him and continues walking.
“K-Kenma!” His name is called out, and he stops.
Kenma frowns. How does the boy know his name?
“Kenma.” The tall boy now runs to stand beside him. He grabs Kenma’s shoulders, making Kenma jump in fright. “Where have you been? I have been looking for you everywhere.”
Kenma’s eyes fall to the boy’s hands on his shoulders. He is insanely uncomfortable.
“Sorry,” He slowly reaches to bring the boy’s hands away from his shoulders,”I think you got the wrong person. I don’t know who you are.”
Moving back, he puts a comfortable distance between him and the boy. Kenma looks up to meet the boy’s wide eyes. His eyes seem panicked.
“Y-You don’t know who I am? Kenma, I’m Kuro. I’m your best friend, Kenma, we’ve been neighbours since we were like, ten. Don’t play this kind of sick joke with me.”
Kenma only frowns further. “I’m sorry, I really don’t know who you are. I need to go.”
Who the hell is this guy?
Leaving the boy to stand alone in the middle of their houses, Kenma enters his home quietly. Despite only leaving for a week, he still missed his home dearly. His eyes scan the layout of his home slowly before it lands on a potted flower by the side of the television.
As Kenma walks closer to it, he notices how dried up the flower is, and he is certain it has not been watered for weeks. Even though he can still see a hint of the redness it used to have, it is practically dead by now.
Sighing, he brings the potted flower into his hands, then walking back out of his house. He is surprised to see the boy with the weird bedhead still standing at the same place as he was before, but he ignores him.
It fails, anyway.
“Kenma,” The boy who claims to be ‘Kuro’ calls out again, and jogs towards him to start a conversation Kenma does not want to be a part of,”Since you’re back, are you going to join the volleyball club again? The team misses you, you know?”
This makes Kenma stop dead in his tracks. How does this stranger know he was in the school’s volleyball team?
Feeling bad for ignoring him, he says,”No. There’s nothing that is connecting me and the team. I don’t see any reason for me to join again. I don’t like doing sports, anyway.”
“W-What? B-” The boy stops halfway, and Kenma turns to look at him curiously. He then notices that the boy’s attention has been brought to the plant in his hands.
“Is that a red begonia?”
Kenma shrugs,”I don’t know. I think my mum forgot about buying it. I’ll just throw it away.”
“I-It’s withered,” The boy states, as though panicked, as his eyes are blown wide and speech is rushed,”Are you sure you want to throw it away? Isn’t it precious to you? Why don’t you try to save it?”
Kenma frowns, head tilting to a side in confusion. Why would a random plant that his mother bought be so important to him?
He answers him noneheless.
“There is no way to save hearts that have withered.”