Around this time last year I started talking to a very sick individual who I was in love with and convenced he loved me. He didn't. In fact I'd argue I was nothing more than a collectable to him.
I knew him as a friend for 5 years. He was 5 years younger than me and had an extreme immature streak about him, but he was still a decent friend. Long before we got together I had a crush on him, but his behavior and the women he went after weren't the kind a normal person would introduce to their parents. It also didn't help I was insecure about not being 'black' enough to get his attention. He was into ghetto girls that used a lot of slang. I grew up in the ghetto, yes, but I grew up educated as welland I was bullied for it me whole life. Having a large vocabulary, speaking proper english that stuff.
When we finally started talking he seemed like he grew up he wanted better for himself, he goals, dreams, aspirations, and I wanted to help him achieve them. He tols me for months about how his current girlfriend was holding him back and being cruel to him. Even threatening him, because I was friends with them both I thought I could mediate. No. He got really nasty and turned her bitchy attitude into a joke. I reminded her she wasn't talking to a child she was talking to a 30 year old woman. It went like how I thought.
I posted this on my Facebook for family and friends but I thought if I shared my story it could reach more people and help them. For the sake of myself and those involved I will edit names out and try my best to add more context.
Sometime later they broke up. We continued to be friends and I kept helping, but the manipulation started. Months and month of 'I'll never break your hearts' and 'You're only turning be down because you're scared of happiness.' I started second guessing myself. Was I turning down the best thing that could ever happen to me?
It's funny how through loneliness and depression, you are starved for love, attention, and company. A rotten green burger looks like filet mignon. The more I eat the sicker I got. Parasitic worms nesting in my stomach, making their home within me, but no matter how much it hurt I truly thought he was good for me. No one else loved me. I didn't even love myself no matter how hard I tried.
Hell, my own housemates only saw me as a verbal/emotional punching bag. They never spoke to each other they way they spoke to me, because they respected each other. In their eyes I wasn't worthy of it or deserved it. They only cared about being right and lording over my head how much more stupid or retarded I was in comparison to them all time, and they call me a friend, but it was a lie. Friends are equals. The amount of respect I've offered should be returned or so I thought, but no. They just needed someone to make them feel better. That was my only job and purpose. So I did everything in my power to avoid the house and spend time with the rotten dumpster burger covered in maggots. Hell, they even used my shitty relationship to make me feel worse about myself, slut shamed, and made a joke out of me. I soon preferred abuse over being in the house in many occasions. But in their mind it was joke and I was too serious.
He only wanted me because I was close to him 'domestic pussy' one may say. I said I was fine with it because didn't want to lose him, but I lied, deep down it wasn't okay. I wanted to be the only one. It was so unfair. Why wasn't I good enough? Smart enough? Pretty enough? Just enough? I hated myself more and with every passing day. He wanted every woman that breathes, even my own friends. Hell I even found out through ladies we both know he tried to go after them and their underaged daughters. My stupid ass was willing to turn a blind eye to that PEDO FUCKER having a chick in every nook, cranky and under ever fucking manhole cover in the city, but if I watch my K-pop videos he would say to me "Little dick Asian niggas don't like big fat black bitches." Shit like that broke me and back then I knew I couldn't do any better. I was this big fat black bitch, not good enough for anyone. It was a bitter pill to swallow and that's when the parasitic relationship became symbolic. He needed someone to feel worthless, so he can raise himself up and I had to be loyal to him. I needed someone to be there and not throw me away. It was fucking twisted. I thought I was needed, but really I was worthless and replaceable.
I allowed myself to be forced, pressured and used for sex many times. I even tricked my brain into thinking I enjoyed myself. But the scars from scrubbing my skin to the point it broke and bled when I showered and the nightmares I used to have about the twisted smirk he'd have on his face wasn't love. That was look the rapist from my teens had after he finish his 'business'. It's the look of a caveman conquering territory, not love. Nothing was EVER loving about him. He didn't have the capacity for it. His selfish desires came first. When he said the words love or heartbreak it was so dry and deadban it was like he was reading from a script. Hell, I told him I felt suicidial on the way back from the grocery store and all he could say was how awesome and strong he is for carrying a big case of water.
Over time bitterness comsummed me and I become very passive aggressive. I guess it was my age or the fact I was in the beginning stages of getting tired of his bullshit. I was beginning to hate him.
Things hit a fever pitch when he had a woman send me death threats from his phone. Like an idiot I forgave him after a week of not speaking, when I met that same bitch in public she tried to run our reconciliation process, trying to dictate what I could or couldn't say to him. Like NANI the fuck?! Stay over there with Blackarott. She even went as far as disregarding/disrepresecting me and my exist by calling herself a 'Queen' and me a 'Pricness'. Yeah, no. I have no kids because I know I'm not mentally and financially prepared for them. You have one and all you want is to have a harem of lobotomized men who she can verbally castrate. Also she just wants to cling and nag Blackarott (her main bitch I guess) nonstop everyday. Her child isn't even in her 10 priories. That's not a Queen, that's a cunt. Besides you called yourself the 'head bitch' when senting me death threats, there's NOTHING Queenly about that, your hoodrat majesty.
She even tried giving me advice on trying to handle him, which sounds good on paper, but it's hard to take the chick WHO FUCKING THREATENED TO END MY FUCKING LIFE seriously. Begone thot. She said she was empathetic and can read minds and can tell I was going to cry again. She was completely off the mark. I was confused and my feet hurt from the long walk. I was hungry and I was debating on getting up and leaving you guys to be a cringy threesome of cancer by yourselves, but, because I'm far to nice for my own good, then just I sat there putting up with your pretend sympathy and compassion. Which I can't fucking stand with a passion, by the way.
She had no respect for his stupid ass either, because she slapped his dumbass in the fucking face in public. He laughed and chased after her. He disrespected me further by cucking me in public, kissing us both on the mouth. I was so in shock and angry I couldn't move, but when that bitch snatched the crescent moon necklace I gave him and made him put it around her neck I lost it. I sat at my seat and began stewing because I know my temper. These are a bunch of stupid niggroaches who are all big barks and no bite, me on the other hand, my temper scares the shit outta and the fact they are pressuring me to 'talk' was making me angrier. I needed to just calm my nerves so I can broach the topic at a later time, but no, little red riding bitch and her band of cuckboys had to pressure me into talking when I wasnt ready.
So I was like "Just because you're Queen and I'm not doesn't give you the right to talk to me like that." I said that stern clear. The Death Threat girl was nasty the entire time we met and acted like, just because she raises her voice, snaps her fingers, claps, counts, points, telling these soulless drones when to speak, how, where to stand and whatever the fuck she does at those 2 spineless ass men like they're trained dogs, then act like my grown 30 something year old ass is supposed to fold like a piece of origami paper. Yeah, no bitch no.. I'm not going agrue you down but I will stand by ground. She got quiet, because I guess the realization of 'Oh this a grown ass woman and not a meek person I can step on and bully.' Came into her head.
She makes them get there shit and leave. Blackarott mouths out "You were wrong. You were wrong." I really could care less what he thinks of me. I'll explain why in a bit, but anyway; I sit, write my poetry and leave. I went by the way to Harris Teeter to look for them. They lied about going there, which pissed me off even more. So I charge my phone there for an hour caught the bus to go to the tent they was staying in. Yes, they slept outside in a tent. I was so worried about his well-being despite how overly prissy I am, I stayed with him for 3 nights. I was on the phone with my close friend bawling my eyes the whole time. One minute was fussing and cussing the next I was crying. At one point I did both. I went in the tent and got my stuff and to go back to where I live. My friend let me get everything off my chest and consoled me.
I sent my ex some texts screaming about how how fuck up he did me, he never answered until the following day. I know he fucked her. It end with a devastating break up and him telling everyone how much of a horrible person I am. Despite me trying to help get him work, giving him tips to better improve his resume, trying to find programs that can help him, got him a new phone, feeding his ass, but him telling everyone I'm evil and nag too much hurt. I put up with your shit and I'm the terrible one?!
Just like good men are burned by bad women. Stop acting like that shit don't happen to good women who truly wanna see these waste of life men thrive out there in the world. I get so angry when my male friends rant to me like I'm only nice to them because were friends and when I get in relationships it's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I'm in or out of a relationship.
In fact both him and Blackarott go around telling people, including people they know I'm friends with how much of a mean spirited, evil hearted person I am. Blackarott you fake ass piece of shit! You said I had a friend for life with you! I guess human lifespans only last a month or 2? I fucking believed you. I thought you would truly be my friend, whether we stayed together or not. Your word isn't worth the toilet paper you wipe your ass with!
Anyway over the course of a month or 2 after the break up more stupid shit happened. My ex blocked me over petty shit, because he can't handle being told the truth about himself and for the second time he had his ugly ass Bob from Accounting looking bitch message all this catty shit. She was talking about how they, living together, were sleeping together now and I was being annoying. Which I apologized for. I was stupidly trying to salvage the 5 year friendship we had before all this twisted shit happened, I didn't realized then I was still in denial about being abused and after talking to his Shriek looking bitch over Insta. I also didn't realize at the timelike the coward he was he used women to fight his battles for him. Myself, Death Threats, and Shriek. We are were used by a fake woke beta bitch. That doesn't mean I hate them anything less, because they did some fucked up shit to me.
A dark feeling came over me. The same woman he complained to me about for 8 to 10 month straight at nauseam, and wanted to leave her for me, cold flipped it and left me to go back to her. Someone who is just as ugly on the inside as she is on the out. Am I that worthless to be left for someone like that. A brand new kind of self loathing stirred in me. I came to the conclusion I didn't deserve love. Maybe I'll get it in the next life.
I started planning out my suicide. I had plenty sleeping pills from my mental health care facility, it was also close to the holidays which is when my depression is normally the worse. I remember writing and rewriting so many suicide notes. But God sent me an Angel in the form of my best friend. She prayed for me, she cried for me, she loved me, she reminded the impact my life has on others, and how my work isn't done yet. I'm still needed.
It wasn't easy. I still kept living. The bitterness of this house still attacks my mind. Over the Holidays my family 'kidnapped' me how the holidays and gave me love and encouragement. When I got back it wasn't so great. Once it was open that my relationshit ended one of my housemates called someone we both know and used it as an 'I told you so moment' instead of asking about my mental well-being, right in front on me. That's why I hate fake concern.
Over the course of 2019 I used the experiences from the end of 2018 to better myself. I've been trimming the fat as far as people and things. I live a more balanced livestyle and I'm happy. I no longer keep those who make me unhappy around. I no longer live for other's opinions or wants and somehow along the way the choices I made to make myself emotionally happy transferred to physical health.
I broke down crying tears of joy 3 days ago because I can wear a men's medium in pants when I used to wear a 1 or 2x. I also can fit a woman's 12 to 14. I haven't been able to wear that since fucking middle school!!!
When I was dating my ex something he always did was take credit for my accomplishments. Well my manpulative ex didn't do this, I did and he can never take that away from me.
Sometimes the most evil and manipulative monsters go after after damaged or broken people because they think they can control or groom them to be what they want, but just because you're damaged or broken doesn't mean you can't be fixed. I'm currently fixing myself, you can do that too.
I just wanted to post a big update and tell everyone what's been going on with me. As well as talk about the progress I've made. My shaky past is building me a better future.
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