From the mind of Kene Erike, this blog explores the impact of Psychology and Economics on human behavior--- learning how to create the experiences we want with the people we want them with. "Just Tap The Glass" is a reminder to question the ideas and conventions in the world around you. Be willing to create a stir through honest discourse and independent thought. New to JTTG? Start Here: What is "Just Tap The Glass"? Reader Favorites
NCAA and Amateurism: A Second Look at the Game Behind the Game
In appreciation of the recent landmark ruling allowing college athletes to monetize their names and likenesses, a look back at why this change was long overdue:
The NCAA has long vacated the moral high-ground on education. Kids traveling cross-country several times a semester to play games. Schools shuffling conferences like itâs a game of musical chairs, to vie for media visibility and advertising dollars.When youâve got teams in Nebraska fleeing to join the Big East Conference, claims of âthis is about protecting the childrenâ are indefensible.
This article employs race relations as the backdrop for tackling some universal challenges we all face.
It's less about politics than it is about exploring two skills that serve well in all walks:
1) A knack for asking the right questions.Â
2) The ability to get others aligned with your way of thinking.
Through that prism, it's an intriguing read for anyone.
I've fielded some questions about the Floyd/Chauvin case, now that the verdict has been handed down:
Where do we go from here? What are some of the implications surrounding race relations, public and personal accountability, and activism?
A few thoughts:
1) There are (visible) cracks in the Blue Wall.
John 3:20:Â "For every one that doeth evil hateth the light."
Exposure to natural light dries up the conditions that allow bacteria to flourish.
Ditto for bad actors.
Public pressure, however misguided, is leading to important questions that are holding municipal departments accountable. It's increasingly-difficult for police unions to sweep criminal malfeasance under the rug.
You'd like to see the public do more of this in other arenas, like public and private education, but independent, critical thinking is seldom found in the middle of a herd.
2) Will More Conversations About Race Lead to (Significant) Change?
Doubtful.
Setting aside the question of what the specific goal is for some of these movements, how often does "talk" actually lead to change?
Intentional, thoughtful action is what gets things done.
The Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement will struggle to produce meaningful, positive change for reasons I've outlined in the past:
Two problems facing the protest community:
1) Inability to Create Change
2) Sullied Reputation:Â âProtesters are Thugs.â
âThey only have one question:Â Whatâs in it for them?
Why should they invest the time and effort to help you, beyond offering empty gestures and lip service? It could be an emotional reason or a financial one.Â
It could be to create tranquility inside their own minds. You have to give people a reason to get off the sidelines.Â
Article: Freddie Gray, Dirty Cops, & The Problem With (Peaceful) Protests
As we've seen with many would-be revolutionaries of the past, how the spoils of early victories are divided reveals much about BLM's long-term viability. Integrity of leadership is one of the canaries in the coal mine for spotting movements that can stand the test of time. Unchecked spending from BLM organizers has brought increased scrutiny over how donations are being managed.
BLM leadership putting winning Monopoly strategy to good use.
Most campaigns sputter because they ignore one---or more---of the following tenets:
Three Steps to Producing Effective Community Organizing Campaigns:
1) Provide clear information on the problem, including reasons why people need to join the cause. Use incentives.
2) Present specific actions for participation that further the cause, including easy access to donation links and support for policies that actually move political and economic levers.
3) Routinely examine strategy and tactics, assessing how much progress has been made and whether the current course of action is appropriate for the scope of the problem. Adjust accordingly.
Article: Slacktivism: The Problem With Social Media Movements
Shaming people, especially when your own hands aren't clean, isn't going to get anything beyond nominal concessions.Â
Most of the old boy network---or, "The Man", to put it more humorously---knows this. That's why they can get on board most any cause, with little fear of any real loss. They know standards for change agents worth supporting have plummeted, so companies are happy to capitalize, picking up market share and goodwill in exchange for token displays of support.
The biggest sports leagues in the world have gotten in on the act, hopping onto the protest bandwagon that first picked up steam a few years ago. A few commercials and planned anthem demonstrations are hollow gestures that will ultimately do nothing to help minority communities advance.
(Although the dollars that have been pledged to aid communities could do some good---if used properly.)
3) How do we avoid being killed by the police?Â
Stay out of the line of fire.
Looking for a "safe" stance on police-related incidents that won't get you âcancelledâ?
Me neither. :)
But hey, this site doesn't shy away from controversy.
If you live in an impoverished community, you're more likely to have interactions with the police. When they're not setting up speed traps to meet monthly quotas, they're patrolling high-crime areas where illegal activity is fiercest.
The cops have mandates to hit areas where their efforts can register the biggest impact. Those tend to be areas with higher concentrations of minorities.
You're much more likely to be hassled by police in East St. Louis than you are in East Hampton.
Although ongoing calls for change may lead to negative unintended consequences for those inner-city zones.
You can only campaign for reduced police presence so long before politicians start to listen. People respond to incentives: Shifts in policy come when jobs get threatened. Pushes to defund the police---an ill-conceived response to relatively-rare high-profile incidents---will lead to an increase in crime. Remove deterrents to crime---police presence, policies that punish quality-of-life infractions---and you'll see anti-social behavior spike.
But if you're paying attention, you already knew that.
That's something to think about in the most vulnerable communities, where per capita income leaves residents least capable of defending themselves when the wolves are at the door.
City life without cops.
So, how do we avoid fatal encounters with the police?
Whatâs the lesson here?
The onus is on the public to recognize that the police are human, subject to the same fears and frailties that we are. Youâve got to minimize your exposure to danger as much as you can.
Article: What We Learned from Mike Brown, Eric Garner, and FergusonÂ
Do not resist arrest.
You may have been profiled or detained unlawfully---fair enough. If you're still alive, you will have a chance to fight your case later.
We've got a lot of agency, ability to influence the world around us.
It's up to you whether your run-in with the cops ends in a conversation, a citation, or a trip to the hospital. Â
And, unfortunately, nowadays one has to define what "resisting arrest" means:
Yelling at the police, attempting to wriggle out of handcuffs, running away, brandishing a knife---these are no-nos that could get you killed.
This is common sense and goes without saying among older generations. They understand you can be respectful without being obsequious.Â
But in a society where subtle messaging and normative cues are fed to individuals less-practiced in critical thinking, population manipulation is easier to achieve.Â
Be careful whom you accept marching orders from.Â
The media has no stake in your individual well-being, so they'll tell you whatever they think will get you agitated and ready to do what they want you to do:Â
Support the right interests and buy products and services.
Over at Women 2.0, a look at the dangers of tolerating a cluttered head space:
Periods of quiet provide the opportunity for your mind---and spirit---to unscramble riddles that are blocking your advancement. With distraction eliminated, moments of clarity begin to pile up, leading to epiphanies that move you forward.
You never know what insights will hit when the volume is turned down.
On Life and Football - An Interview with Referee Rant
Over at my buddy, Ralph's, "Referee Rant" podcast series, my latest entry:
https://refereerant.com/episode-252-the-rant-kene-erike/Â Â
We explore my thoughts on COVID, real-world conflict resolution, and navigating the games---within the game---of football.
Some time stamps below....
Intro - 2:15
Thoughts on Life and Work during Coronavirus - 3:50
On Protest Movements and Race Relations - 11:00
Kene's Early Years in Sports - 13:30
On Competition and the LIFFL - 15:05
Would Kene Ever Get into Officiating? - 18:00
Mentors and Friends Around the Game - 20:05
Advice on Getting into (and succeeding in) Flag Football - 22:20
On Officiating and Interacting with Referees - 24:35
Thoughts on Preparing to Win, Team Management, and Performance - 26:55
Future plans in LIFFL? - 33:30
Two Biggest Challenges - Injuries and Roster Management - 34:30
Kene's Two Best Moments in LIFFL - 37:30
Final Thoughts with Ralph - 38:25
Referee Rant features interviews with administrators, players, and other figures in and around the world of sports. Really good listening for anyone with even a fleeting interest in the "why?" and "how?" behind some of the activities we hold dear.
The (Wo)man in the Mirror: 5 Practices for Getting Out of Your Own Way
The following is a guest post I published on matchmaker Paul C. Brunsonâs website back in 2013. It disappeared down the internet rabbit hole, so Iâm reposting it here.
---
First, I would like to thank Paul for inviting me here. His work enhances lives the world over.
In an increasingly impersonal world, a deft touch with people is exceedingly rare. Women, especially, are expected to hold their own on the social front on every occasion. It's not hard to get in your own way, fumbling away a chance to land the right guy or advance your career. Every day brings new opportunities to put your best foot forward.
Here are a few suggestions for doing just that.
1) Introduce yourself to someone new
Meet one new person at every function you attend.
This is easier to accomplish if you're part of a smaller group, say two or three people, instead of a larger one. There's more motivation to explore the environment and meet new people.
It also increases the chances of someone introducing themselves to you. Approaching a big group of people you don't know is intimidating.
Introducing yourself to just one or two people? Much less so.
There are ways to combat social anxiety and dedicated practice only makes it easier. Besides the benefit of adding people to your personal network, you sharpen observation and conversation skills as well.
Soon, you'll realize initiating conversation doesn't have to be terrifying. It puts others at ease and confers a certain level of respect on the person doing it. Hunker down with a group of people you already know and you're missing out.
Women can take the initiative while still being graceful and congenial; no loss of femininity required. Â
The line between confidence and obnoxious aggression is wider than you think.
2) Know when to fold 'em: Reading Body Language
Much of our body language is involuntary, but if you're aware of some of the signals you're sending, you can project the image youâre looking for. Better still, you can identify the people most receptive to your message.
We want to avoid 'square peg/round-hole' situations where personalities and interests don't jibe.
Paul touched on this in his "don't fall in love with potential" post. You can be enamored with the IDEA of someone or something, but shouldn't force what isn't there. Rocky relationships stay rocky until the underlying problems are addressed (and many of those issues are intractable). Even if you invest in a long-term relationship with someone in the hopes that it'll work, you'll be miserable.
Adversity does not build character---it reveals it.
While you're spending your energy maintaining the illusion that this is your ideal partner, the real you will lurk just beneath that veneer, itching to emerge.
It's the same Sunday night anxiety suffered by millions around the world, knowing another frustrating work week awaits them on Monday. The sooner you stop swimming against the tide, the better.
Your body is telling you something: listen to it. The fact that we're notoriously bad at predicting what will make us happy should be enough cause for concern.
If you're marrying for money, to quell social pressure, or maintain appearances, you're setting yourself up for disaster.
3) "It's not you, it's me. Really."
Me, Me, Me = Dull, Dull, Dull.
Focus on other people. Ask them about themselves, what they like. Don't monopolize the conversation or carry on about topics only you care about. People like talking about themselves and what's important to them. Self-absorption seldom wears well.
You stand out by actually listening to what others have to say, instead of just waiting to talk (like most people).
How to lose friends and business deals.
Knowing what people want does not hurt, either.
Iâm going to offer a solid piece of advice. It might hurt some feelings, but itâs the unabashed truth.
Many men detest short hair on women.
I don't mean "I like the bangs on your new bob" low.
I'm talking about "Did you just get a Dark Caesar at the barbershop?" low.
Some women can pull those super-low cuts off, but it's a dicey proposition. Yes, you do save time and money on hair care, but it's just not a feminine look.
It just isn't.
Physical attractiveness is a prerequisite for lasting relationships and carries a fair amount of weight in the office, too. All the more reason to stay in shape and take care of your appearance.
It may sound superficial, but that's the world we live in.
Rock a low-cut at your own risk.
4) Find a way to help
This oneâs a corollary to number three.
You'd be surprised how much impact you can have with a small gesture. Do something for someone without any expectation of a reward. Ask them about their day or offer to solve a problem. It could set in motion a series of positive interactions and you never know where that might take you.
The psychological principle of Reciprocity---people feel compelled to do something for you when you've done something for them---weighs heavy here.
Again, people love to talk about themselves and love it even more when someone is willing to listen (so much so that it's a driving force in an entire industry).
A sympathetic ear will always be a valued commodity.
Establish a reputation for being thoughtful and genuine and you'll be known for providing great company.
5) Smile
Practice smiling in the mirror. Seriously.
We've already discussed the importance of body language in your daily interactions. Put your best foot forward by putting your best face forward.
Actresses worth their salt have perfected smiling on command. No reason you canât do it, too.
How do your cheeks feel? What position is your mouth in? Any movement of the eyebrows? These are the kind of questions you should be wrestling with while practicing so you can throw out the perfect smile on cue.
The physical act of smiling is also a proven way to elevate your mood. People who look happy are easier to approach and when someone smiles at us we naturally smile in response, creating a positive self-fulfilling prophecy. Flashing a smile is the quickest way to disarm strangers and set the stage for positive interactions. Â
Like many things in life, a little effort and forethought is often enough to separate you from the crowd. In addition to wielding an ever-effective social lubricant, you'll be able to take pictures without looking like a serial killer.
 Comments or questions? Always love to hear âem.
Blame Games: Personal Accountability in the Context of Group Performance
[Listen to the audio version here: https://soundcloud.com/user-31492767/blame-games-jttg-september-2020]
Over at Women 2.0, a look at the relationship between finger-pointing and group performance:
Youâve got to decide how important winning is to you. Weigh the long-term risk of fracturing team chemistry with the here-and-now threat of losing the current skirmish. This can be particularly-tough when dealing with one-off competitions like a playoff game or pitching a potential client.
On George Floyd, Donald Trump, and Social Progress
[Listen to the audio version here:Â https://soundcloud.com/user-31492767/on-george-floyd-donald-trump-and-social-progress-jttg-june-2020]
A number of people have asked about my thoughts on the George Floyd situation, so I'll explore that below.
On George Floyd and Officer Chauvin:Â
Office Chauvin should go down for manslaughter for leaving his knee on Floyd's neck after he was no longer a threat. He deserves that punishment for his negligence.
George Floydâs epilogue is less clear-cut.
"George Floyd" as 'âVictim'â? Certainly.
"George Floyd" as "Martyr"? No.
What he was doing before he was 'cuffed on the ground set the events in motion. He is not a figure to idolize.
We've got to be careful about how freely we throw around the "Hero" label.
Police Brutality and The Biggest Threats to Blacks in America:
Police brutality is a problem.Â
The biggest threat to blacks in America? Not even close.
There exist larger, more pressing hurdles facing the average black person in America on a daily basis.Â
Income, health, education, parenting concerns: Just a few of the issues more likely to impact your life than the transgressions of the police.
Heck, statistically, black-on-black civilian crime is much more likely to impair---or end---the life of the average black person than a run-in with the police.
I'm not denying that racism---at the hands of the police or others--- exists. Or recommending silence on issues that matter to you most. Just putting the spectre of police fatalities into context.
One concern that's seldom voiced: The assault on free speech of anyone who has a dissenting opinion---not just on this topic, but others---is dangerous. We've got to be careful about allowing emotions and hidden agendas to control narratives.
Be mindful of those in the background pulling the strings who benefit when the country settles for low-hanging fruit.
On Creating Effective Protests:
A couple excerpts from posts past....
Two problems facing the protest community:
1) Inability to Create Change
2) Sullied Reputation:Â âProtesters are Thugs.â
"They only have one question:Â Whatâs in it for them?
Why should they invest the time and effort to help you, beyond offering empty gestures and lip service?
It could be an emotional reason or a financial one. It could be to create tranquility inside their own minds. You have to give people a reason to get off the sidelines.Â
Until you do that, youâre just pounding sand."
Full Article:Â Freddie Gray, Dirty Cops, and The Problem With (Peaceful) Protests
"The problem with this anthem movement, like most demonstrations, is that the players have no specific stated goal. âAwarenessâ is not precise enough, nor is âstarting a conversationâ. Only the most dyed-in-the-wool bigots deny racism exists. Awareness is overrated. Problems donât get solved without actionable solutions and the first step to meeting a goal is defining the target.
Open discourse helps. Shaming people in to silence does not. Activists are too quick to dismiss detractors as racists, instead of encouraging an exchange of ideas. All intellectual-dishonesty does is stunt progress. We will not get anywhere if people are afraid to speak up."
Full Article: Anthem Demonstrations and Protests in The NFL
Protest gatherings that devolve into looting and vandalism mobs just undermine the cause. That mayhem puts businesses on notice about locating their stores in impoverished neighborhoods---those who need convenient access to services the most---as well.
Looting and polluting is not the way..... Â
Many of the people protesting aren't doing much to move the needle. A sizable portion of them arrive with ulterior motives, content just to be seen or galvanized by being part of a crowd.
And then there are those looking for opportunities to act up, emboldened by the belief they'll get away with it.
(Well, most of the time.)
Also lost in the shuffle is the impact of these mass gatherings on the COVID infection curve. Politicians, no strangers to double-talk, are condoning protests, arguing that social activism "trumps" any other considerations, be they pathological or ideological. This sort of pandering casts doubt on the actual threat level of the Coronavirus to local municipalities and undermines government credibility going forward.
Apparently, infection brakes for politics.
The Impact on the 2020 Elections:
I'd be remiss not to throw in a few words about the potential impact on the 2020 elections:
A lot of criticism has already been lobbed President Trump's way: that's expected given his position in the free world. Like every modern-day POTUS, he will receive inordinate censure for the bad---and more praise for the good---than he actually deserves. President Trump is a particularly-conspicuous target because of the frequency (and carelessness) with which he communicates through social media.
That said, the Floyd saga should have negligible impact on Trump's chances for a second term. Ditto for local elections.
"But what about all those protesters, civil unrest, and celebrity commentary on the need for change? That imagery has got to play in the coming elections, right?"
Impact Bias: We overestimate the importance and duration of most events on our lives.
Most notable events hit hard for a few weeks and then gradually fade away from national consciousness We remember what happened, but it recesses further and further into our minds as time passes. Â
That's never been more true with how quickly news cycles turn nowadays. The world reacts for a short while and then everyone goes back to their normal lives.
Many celebrities and organizations comment on notable events for publicity purposes, seizing the opportunity to pander to fan bases. They offer a sympathetic quote, bask in the goodwill, and consider it "mission accomplished". Talk is cheap and committed problem-solvers are in rare supply. In an uncertain world, there will always be something to get outraged about in the future.
You know, like the way Americans followed through on eradicating Boko Haram after the 2014 kidnappings in Nigeria, which birthed the #BringBackOurGirls Movement.
That terrorist organization is still alive and wreaking havoc in West Africa, but the world has moved on to to the next cause du jour.
But hey, "awareness" is what counts, right?
And many of the same protesters out in force in cities across the country are those most likely to skip the voting booth on Election Day. Easy answers to difficult questions never go out of style and most activists would rather look the part than actually do the work required to get results.
If you hated Trump before the incident, you still hate him. And if you're one of his supporters, nothing new hit the scene to alter that.Â
There was---and still is---a lot of talk about foreign influence on the last presidential election. For centuries, governments have attempted to influence foreign policies for their own agenda. With the advent of social media, that's never been easier to accomplish.Â
Don't be fooled, though: voter apathy, misaligned values, and flawed political outreach were much bigger factors in the previous presidential election outcome than any foreign interference. As convenient as it is to blame Russian boogeymen, the Democratic Party committed serious strategic blunders in their approach to winning the vote.
Trump opponents would be wise to focus on the real reasons the 2016 contests didn't go their way. Come to terms with the truth and the path to victory becomes much clearer.
Do let me know what you think about the Floyd situation and the ramifications for Americans---of all colors---going forward.
Can You Ever Be Too Careful?: The Case for Calculated Aggression
Over at Women 2.0, a look at one of the biggest questions arising from the current state of affairs:
The following is inspired by the Coronavirus saga. Rather than explore the news and responses related to the eventsâââ-which would require some dialogue centered on pathology, confounding variables, and journalistic integrityâââ-weâll springboard to a more intriguing discussion.
Grace: The willingness to embrace someone---or something---despite imperfection.
In times increasingly-dominated by incivility and rushes to judgment, even-handed engagement is falling out of favor. Emotional decision-making and identity politics are en vogue, pushing aside reasoned discourse the same way mobile phones ushered out collect calls.
That degeneration in conduct is pervasive in the social media universe, where a slip of the tongue can end a career---or worse.
(As if you needed any more reasons to manage your social media use.)
So where does "grace" fit in to this? Why am I bringing it up and what can it do for you?
When you're known for allowing others to be themselves---without fear of censure of reactionary retaliation---many good things come your way.
Peace of mind from managed expectations;Â unexpected gifts of kindness dropped in your lap; uncommon leeway from others when you're not at the top of your game; all products of grace.
When people see that you're willing to forgive and extend grace, even when attack or retribution is justified, your reputation will be burnished that much more. You're perceptive enough to spot mistakes yet posses the foresight to allow others to grow and not feel small: Who wouldn't you want you in their organization or social circle?
There are plenty of biblical scriptures illustrating how we are to handle interpersonal grievances. This parable is one of the more memorable ones:
The Unmerciful Servant:Â Matthew 18: 21-35:
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, âLord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?â
Jesus answered, âI tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
âTherefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
âAt this the servant fell on his knees before him. âBe patient with me,â he begged, âand I will pay back everything.â The servantâs master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
âBut when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. âPay back what you owe me!â he demanded.
âHis fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, âBe patient with me, and I will pay it back.â
âBut he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
âThen the master called the servant in. âYou wicked servant,â he said, âI canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldnât you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?â In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
âThis is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.â
(Note: If you're searching for the "eye-for-an-eye" verses to counter this point, understand that Old Testament law was instituted as an early code of conduct for man to establish and maintain a stable society. Jesus' arrival---chronicled in the New Testament---did away with that laundry list of rules, providing a more forgiving standard and a few general principles to follow for those who desire the most out of life.Â
Although many of the answers to life's most enduring questions are spelled out in the bible, you can deduce God's viewpoint on even the most obscure riddles with a solid understanding of the Christian ethos.)
In the environment where it should be most abundant---the church---grace can be hard to come by. Not nearly enough church-goers put it in practice. Folks talk a big game about "trusting God", "putting it all into His hands", and God "knowing their heart", but when presented with real opportunities to act like Christ, they retreat to spaces most comfortable and self-serving for them---no difference from the uninitiated.
Sure I'll carry the cross....until my show returns from commercial break.
You want to lead others to Christ, but remain unwilling to buy in at a level that differentiates your conduct from the world at large: That's a tough sell. That same lack of commitment is the reason most activist groups struggle to gain traction.
We're all for freedom of expression---as long as it aligns with our values. Utter an opinion that doesn't fit neatly inside our paradigm and watch out. Heaven help you if offend in any way; youâll be resented forever. If you're dealing with a lukewarm Christian, and aren't met with outright hostility, be prepared for passive-aggressive responses like, "I'll pray for you."
This kind of self-righteous behavior drives people away from churches, cementing the belief that religious folk are hypocrites and, ironically, kneecapping the church's ability to evangelize and spread the gospel.
"Grace? That's a lesson for new Christians. And it only applies when someone else is slighted, not me. Don't judge me; you don't know the full story."Â
The scripture that's supposed to be guiding our lives lays flat on the page. We pick and choose the verses that best serve us in the moment and brush the rest onto the cutting room floor.
âThe bible says it is better to give than to receive. Hand over Boardwalk.â
This is where a willingness to have uncomfortable conversations comes in handy: If you truly want to walk with Christ, remembering to extend grace and treat others like you want to be treated is a good start. You don't need to turn water into wine to be the life of the party---or someone people want to be around.
"Kene, I'd rather not hear any more about religion. So much evil has been committed in the name of religion."Â
I won't fight anyone on that point. Religion has been co-opted to advance agendas not of God.Â
Do know that many of the secular concepts that govern daily life, like Karma and the benefits of (the right kind of) hard work, are rooted in scripture.Â
To be clear, I am not pushing consequence-free environments. Calling out bad actors and maintaining standards are critical for healthy self-esteem. Uphold your standards of integrity and transparency; Never confuse grace with an absence of accountability; that's what strong boundaries are for.Â
Just be careful how quickly you write people off. You can extend grace without being a martyr: Use wisdom on that front.Â
Life is short: You need not look far to be reminded of that. A little grace unlocks a river of goodwill in your relationships and daily existence.
When Sacrificing Isnât: The Hidden Benefits of Service
Proverbs 11:24-25:
"There is that scattereth, and yet increaseth; and there is that withholdeth more than is meet, but it tendeth to poverty. The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself."Â Â
Matthew 10:39:
"He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it."
Luke 6:35:
"But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil."
Colossians 3:23-24:
"And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ."
The implication of these verses really sunk in for me this season.
I was listening to an audio lesson from a pastor on the hidden benefits of service to others, even in situations where those receiving your assistance are unappreciative (or worse, begrudge your efforts). She called attention to some of the biblical promises of rewards conferred to those who prize service over self when presented with opportunity to further the Lord's work.
(When I mention "Lord's work" here, I'm not restricting that definition to tasks that directly benefit a religious organization .Anything that promotes God's message of loving fellow man, edifying those around you, and spreading the Gospel through good works is covered here.
To you, this might be helping a neighbor you've never gotten along with shovel snow or lugging an elderly stranger's groceries to their car.)
God promotes those who behave like disciples. I'm not talking about life-after-death pie-in-the-sky rewards, either: The dreams we treasure in the now---a fulfilling career, relationships that are the envy of all men, people arriving at just the right place at just the right time to see you through a previously-insurmountable problem---are suddenly within your grasp.
Walking the line between protecting what's best for myself and sacrificing self-interest in the name of an ideal was on my mind. I'd been replaying recent disagreements I had with others over a perceived imbalance in contribution to a team effort. I needed a definitive rubric dictating how I'd handle future instances where my willingness to serve could be impacted by my disdain for those who refuse to carry their own weight.
The message from the pastor, along with solitary contemplation, initiated a seismic shift in how I approached these situations going forward.Â
My commitment to intentional sacrifice needed to withstand changes in circumstance. Summoning the same sort of discipline required to master one's emotions would be pivotal to pulling this off.
Keeping an eye on why I wanted to contribute in the first place---and off the less-than-stellar effort of those I'm paired with---would maintain the right frame of mind. Understanding the benefits I stood to gain, regardless of the setting and players involved, only sweetened the prospect of service.
New information creates new realizations.
By letter of the law, I was technically-correct to shirk extra responsibility---above and beyond what I was already doing---and resent others for having to pick up their slack, I now realized I was robbing myself of the opportunity to exude grace and reap spiritual rewards from sowing seeds that I'd like to see more of myself. More people helping me in areas I need development; more family and friends pitching in down the road to help me with childcare and household responsibilities; more acquaintances and friends-of-friends volunteering to further my personal goals.
To be clear, this is not about seeking the praise of men or hunting for opportunities to shame others and exalt ourselves. We have enough people prolonging church gatherings by shouting "Hallelujah" every ten minutes and "casually" mentioning how often they volunteer at their local soup kitchen. We're just exploring some of the hidden benefits of helping others, even when inconvenient.
Am I suggesting you become a doormat, forever subjugating your wants and needs to assist everyone else? No. You need solid boundaries to stay sane. Just keep your principles in mind when weighing when to stay the course and when to quit.
Boundaries Elevate Relationships and Enhance Quality of Life: How To Get Yours in Order
Over at Women 2.0, my latest piece on boundaries:
When deciding who and what get your attention, you need hard stances on what you value most, what youâll prioritize above all else, and what youâll get to if time and availability allow. Stipulating what behaviors youâll tolerate from yourself and others; thatâs a prerequisite for healthy relationships and high self-esteem.
"Honestyâ is the Superpower Hiding in Plain Sight
Over at ENSPIRE Magazine, my latest article:
When your conduct is an independent variable, not a function of the whims of the moment, people can depend on you. There are fewer concerns about hidden agendas and fair-weather friendship; others can turn to you and share experiences they are not comfortable sharing with others. Â
Thatâs something that draws (the right) people to you and keeps them there. Â Â Â
Pay For Play: On The College Admissions Scam and Hidden Value
A reader asked what I thought of the recent college admissions scandal. The story came up in a few conversations with other people last week as well, so I'll share my thoughts on it.
Q: Do you have a problem with the practice of buying your way into a college?
In the abstract, no, I do not.
Let me be clear: I'm not talking about cheating on entrances exams or underhanded tactics that run counter to fair play. Paying go-betweens to sneak your kid into a school is out of bounds. Fraudulent classification about why the rich kids in those stories were admitted is the big sin in this tale.
Parents helping their kids score [college admission/internships/jobs] is as old as time; It's the negligent parent that doesn't do all they can to help their kid excel. SAT classes and tutors are part of that, with a groundswell of critics arguing that even that much assistance creates a slanted playing field that impoverished families cannot compete with.
If the schools want to sell spots to the highest bidder, they should be free to do so. They should just be forthright about it.
One caveat: Selling seats shouldn't be allowed in public colleges that are state schools. At least, not in a fashion that jeopardizes entrance for in-state applicants.
Private universities should be free to do what they want; It's their "house" and can invite whomever they like.
Before you recoil in horror, understand that non-merit based admissions have been on the scene for centuries. It already happens to some extent with kids of captains of industry/celebs. Legacies---children of alumni---get special consideration because schools wants to look out for their own. Affirmative action is a factor as well.
If you take the emotion out of the discussion, you'd be hard-pressed to find anything inherently-evil with a parent "buying" a better chance of admission for their kid.
Q: Is there any value to wealth-based admissions?
One of the more intriguing discussions, besides how Lori Loughlin might handle a transition from "Full House" to the big house, is who benefits when college seats are "sold".
The families who can now brag about junior's acceptance to a big-name school; the university, who's happy to collect full-price tuition---and then some---from another deep pocket; these are obvious winners.
But there's more to the story.
My alma mater is a perennial power in Ice Hockey, so I'll use a fitting analogy:
Good hockey teams are comprised of a few different pieces. A squad usually has a couple of enforcers, guys who may not have made the cut on their stick-handling and scoring prowess alone. You need players who can rough up the opposition's stars, protect your own players from being targeted, and soak up penalty minutes whenever the coach wants to "send a message".
NHL 98: One of the better sports games of all time.
Enforcers are unheralded contributors whose value doesn't always show up in the box score, but good front offices understand their role in building a winning culture.
Similar to the way a good offensive line keeps your star quarterback upright and ignites your running game in football, teams need players who create room for everyone to operate. Enforcers may not make the grade on stand-alone examination, but their presence serves a purpose---even if it offends certain high-minded sensibilities.
Admitting a contingent of students from well-to-do families benefits the campus at large. As long as they don't embarrass the university, their enrollment is almost-certainly a win for the school.
Beyond full-price admission, these families are good for donations when you need a new academic building or state-of-the-art residential hall. They can be counted on to support fund-raising efforts long after their children have graduated and boast professional connections that can be useful to the school when problems need to be handled discreetly. The students themselves often go on to high-paying jobs---in part, because of their backgrounds---and become big contributors down the line.
Benefactors make many of the scholarships for students of modest means possible. They are a resource for attracting the best professors. Collegiate sports are important sources of revenue and big-shot donors bankroll stadiums that draw crowds that, in turn, lure some of the nation's best and brightest year in and year out.
You can't run a college program on bake sales.
Never forget that colleges are business. As much as they tout their missions of higher-learning for the masses, rising tuition bills should make clear their primary agenda.
All that said, there's little long-term concern about the impact of wealth-based admissions on your child's acceptance odds.
Most good schools will not and do not "sell" seats on a large scale because it would tarnish the school's academic reputation. The best schools want a student body with A-students, great artists, intellectually-curious minds in a range of fields; that's not something you get if anything larger than a tiny percent of your student body is a result of evaluation by affluence.
Admissions departments select students from a cross-section of society, independent of familial wealth. Money makes the world go round, but there are some prizes that cannot be bought.
American Idol ratings have been in the tank since his departure. Â
You cannot buy personality, creativity, discipline, and ambition; those traits are developed independent of wealth and may actually be numbed by having it too easy growing up; struggle is a common backdrop for personal development.
With every big story, there are always special interests ready to hijack narratives and push an agenda. The admissions scandal is already raising more "rich-is-evil" chants, which obscures a good teaching lesson and, ironically, leads to more despondency and excuse-making among the people who can least afford to do so.
Let me know what you think of this story and school reform as well.
âIt IS You, Not Me.â: 4 Love Truisms You Wonât Find on a Hallmark Card
On the eve of Valentine's Day, four romantic proverbs to keep you sane:
1) Guard Your Heart.
Proverbs 4:23:
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
Life isn't a Disney movie, where following your heart always leads to a great musical number. Â
"Guard your heart"---letting wisdom and reason take the helm in times of uncertainty---is a best practice for life in general. When you walk into situations with eyes wide open and emotions in check, you are less susceptible to bad actors and foolish decisions.
You need not suffer through a toxic relationship yourself to appreciate this advice. The world is littered with people who've been damaged by matches they thought were made in heaven. History is replete with tales of misfortune that arose from carelessness. The bible itself has a few prominent examples (see:Â Samson, a seemingly-unstoppable force literally blinded by love.).
There's nothing wrong with a desire for true romance; that's natural. It's reliance on visions of love---to the exclusion of everything else---that brings trouble.
It starts when your newest dating prospect hits the scene: You like what you see and begin imagining what the future might look like. Along with visions of creating your very own magazine-perfect coupling, you can start quieting those very-real questions of "When-are-you-going-to-get-married?". In a bid to hold on to that dream, you silence the voice inside of you screaming that something is not quite right. Friends and family who disprove of your new beau? They're just jealous and judgmental; they don't know him like you do.
"Billy works hard all week. It's fine if he drinks a beer---or ten---to take the edge off."
Without the right safeguards, you become prematurely emotionally-involved and reason falls by the wayside. Â
We want to make choices by design, not roll with the tide because it's the path of least resistance. Objective decision-making is a tall order when you've already tossed the keys to your heart to someone---or something---else.
Decide what you must have from a potential partner (Religion? Level of education?) and what you will not tolerate (Is "social smoker" a real designation or just a euphemism to keep critics at bay?) before you even consider courtship.
Note that this is not a suggestion to create your own 100-point "Must Have" dating list. In lasting relationships, It doesn't matter what color your spouse's hair is or whether you like the same music.
But that's another discussion for another time.
"Guard your heart" doesn't pertain solely to affairs of the heart; It's solid advice in all matters of daily living.
The best type of learning is education by proxy, absorbing knowledge from the experiences of others. You soak up the benefits without having to endure the pain of experimentation or sport the scars of error. Â
We'll see more of that below:
2) âIt IS You. Not me.â
"It's not you, it's me."
Sometimes, that's true. Most of the time, it's not.
When someone doesn't want to see you any more, it probably is you.
I tackled that one here. A few other common mistakes, too.
People like you for what you can give them: Companionship, pride of accomplishment, financial comfort etc. Your romantic appeal is a direct function of what you have to offer.
The sooner you realize that it just might be you, the faster you can get to becoming someone more people want to hitch their wagons to.
3) Leave Your Pen at Home.
Hallmark has cards for every occasion, so I'm sharing expressions that hit multiple bases.
This is a phrase from one of my favorite websites, LivingStingy. Run by a former patent attorney. you'll find a range of topics there that touch all corners of life.
"Leave your pen at home" is simple, yet profound:Â
You can't lose, if you don't play.
This is not an ode to fear or a suggestion to run from opportunities because you cannot stomach risk. It's a warning to avoid situations where you're likely to get less than you bargained for. You can't be snookered into signing on the dotted line if you don't bring your pen to the table.
Before your heart (and wallet) get involved in important decisions, your brain needs to perform due diligence. Triage ruthlessly. Choices need to be made with sound mind before the magic of marketing takes hold.
You will not mortgage your future if you shut the door on opportunities to do so.
Whether it's co-signing a loan, buying a [car/house/big-ticket item], or signing a marriage certificate; you protect your present and future by thinking ahead and keeping the end goal in mind.
Let's walk through an example: buying a car:
95% of the legwork should be done before you even consider going to see a prospective purchase. Price range? Clean title? Carfax? The specific model/class/year you've settled on? All done before that new car euphoria sweeps you into trouble.
If all checks out, go see the car. If the seller isn't shady, the paperwork is in order, and you can hammer out a good price, great.
But you're not done there.
Before you agree to buy the car, have an independent, trustworthy mechanic examine the car.There may be hidden defects below the surface. You should be able to get a work-up of the car for $100 or so.
If an extra $100 is too big a hit to your budget, you probably can't afford the car.
If you're following the advice to get your homework done before the quiz is given, you shouldn't be inspecting a dozen cars.
Even so, there are ways to mitigate your costs here. As much as you want to buy the car, the seller wants to offload it. Put a contingency in the deal stipulating that, if you agree to buy the car, the inspection fee will be folded into the purchase price.
Is the seller going to balk at $100 off the price if it leads to a sale? Probably not.
Life is a negotiation.
All of this seem like too much work?Â
You can always skip steps and hope for the best. Worst comes to worst, you can rant on the internet about the shyster who took advantage of you.
There are forums for that.
Again,a lot of times when things go awry, it is you. Take accountability and stop blaming others for preventable mistakes.
4) Stop Trying to Get Something for Nothing.
This is a corollary to #2 and a continuation of the "removing barriers to good decision-making" theme.
Good things come to those who deliver value.
The world is not a fixed pie: More [insert value you care about] for me doesn't necessarily mean less [insert value you care about] for you. Get what you want by giving others what they want.
On the romantic front, you get the partner you're looking for by becoming the partner they are looking for. You want a man who's 6'3" with an athletic build and makes six figures a year. Are you the type of woman he'd go for? If not, what are you doing to get yourself there? Are you quick with excuses to justify complacency?
"It's who I am on the inside that counts."
We resent people who want something for nothing. Everyone wants value.
Ever play a game of basketball or soccer with someone who only wants to shoot the ball? They never get back on defense and asking them to pass the ball is akin to insulting their mother? It's infuriating, right?
The business world is full of these metaphorical ball hogs.
Multi-level Marketing (MLM) companies are habitual offenders. Low barriers to entry, business education, promises of an easy-to-follow program: it's an attractive business model to the masses hunting for financial flexibility.
They skirt the government's definition of a Ponzi scheme---and the jail time that comes with it---by offering a product of some value. And, to their credit, there actually are MLM companies that do have quality products.
Alas, their biggest money-maker remains recruiting and recruitment-related education. The more membership ranks swell, the more money there is to be had by the people calling the shots in the organization.
Before our buddy Chris Hansen was showing us what a "predator" looked like, he was asking hard-hitting questions to businessmen who purported to know the road to financial freedom:
"That's a year at Harvard."
Part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5xu6bIFSeE
Part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oc4-34V75SQ
Eons ago, I actually spent a few months in a well-known MLM company. The recruiting process; countless diagrams that don't quite explain how the business works; pressure to get all your friends in on the "good deal": I've seen it all.
Every now and then, I run into someone who attempts to sell me on some MLM program. I spot the tells---patterns in their behavior, well-worn phrases designed to stoke curiosity---that let me know what Iâm dealing with. Sometimes, I'll even humor them by discussing their business and what they can offer me.
Maybe even show them a better way to get people listening.
Most of the time, when you point out flaws in something someone is deeply-invested in, it falls on deaf ears. Those true believers will shout you down and resent you for it.
"It's not a pyramid. It's a diamond." Â
The leader is good! The leader is great!
Bottom line: Sustainable businesses deliver real value.Â
If you cannot describe what a business is in less than ten seconds, it's probably not a real business.
Yes, you can build a business that rewards you with growing autonomy over time.Â
No, you cannot do it without putting a ton of (the right) work in.
Passive income is a pipe dream, a siren song that lures many well-meaning folks to ruin. Real business is not a game of Monopoly, where you can kick up your heels on Boardwalk and watch the dough roll in. Customers don't care about your "4-Hour workweek".
I'll have some passive income. And a side of fries.
There are all sorts of obstacles to contend with in the market and even those who have a vested interest in helping you succeed need to be monitored.
Iâve been there.
Life isn't a game of Three-Card Monte, where the only way to get ahead is to cheat the mark in front of you. If that's your mentality, you're going to squander a lot of opportunities. Play it straight and you get the added benefit of being able to sleep at night, free of fear of reprisals.
Create value and you'll be taken care of. Stop shoving your hands into everyone else's pockets. Â
Now that we're past the "New Year" euphoria that hits every time we flip the calendar, some tried-and-true lessons for making the most of the rest of the year...
Relying on motivation to accomplish goals is like building a house on sand. Â
Why Your New Resolutions Fail:
http://justtaptheglass.com/post/39324115672/failed-new-years-resolutions
If you think listening to motivational clips is the key to winning, you're playing the game all wrong.
Our feelings and emotions are functions of the here and now. "Feelings" are why most New Year's resolutions are broken before February hits, blown every which way like Times Square confetti. They're not rooted in something that can withstand the daily onslaught of stress, trials, and temptation that typify everyday living.
Other life lessons that hold year round.....
Consistent winners employ a birds-eye view of the game.
A (Very) Short Guide to Getting What You Want:
http://justtaptheglass.com/post/156934727374/smart-conflict-resolution
Control Your Emotions and Control Your Reality:
https://justtaptheglass.com/post/180619696129/control-your-emotions
Culture: The Difference Between Winning and Losing:
http://justtaptheglass.com/post/165546401494/culture-difference-between-winning-and-losing Â
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Smart People Create Backups:
http://justtaptheglass.com/post/52299975366/safeguard-your-assets-create-backups
In this day and age, there's no reason why a broken phone should mean losing all your contacts. Â
Preserve Your Body While You Still Can: A Sample Workout Program:
https://justtaptheglass.com/post/89961333209/sample-workout-program
If you refuse to think for yourself, others will do it for you.
No, Weightlifting Will Not Turn You Into A Monster:
http://justtaptheglass.com/post/88377922894/weightlifting-myth-women
McDonald's vs. The Labor Movement: Hidden Dangers of The Wage War:
http://justtaptheglass.com/post/120526805861/mcdonalds-versus-unions
Black Lives Matter and Police Fatalities - The Struggle For Progress in an Imperfect World:Â
http://justtaptheglass.com/post/147697354937/blm-and-the-police
The Irony of Vulnerability:Â The more you're willing to be picked apart, the stronger the support you can generate.
I'll explore that concept in detail in my next book (look for that in the coming months).
I've alluded to a health-scare story in a few posts last year, sharing anecdotes about my recovery and the necessary physical and spiritual growth required to emerge from the ordeal.
But I've yet to share the complete tale.
Here's the first time i put the full story on record. Give it a listen:
Smart Gift Givers Earn More Cash and Enjoy Better Relationships: Here's How You Can Become One (without spending a penny)
My latest piece, over at tech influencer Women 2.0....
The (Smart) Person's Guide to Giving Better Gifts:
Sure, itâs the thought that counts, but "empathy" remains the name of the game. The average gift is like a free sample at Costco; they're good, we'll accept them, but they leave us wanting more.Â
Be a value-add to the lives of people you care about and youâll reap a ten-fold benefit in your career and social life.
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