Could I possibly be transgender?
Could I possibly be transgender?
For context, I am AFAB (Assigned Female At Birth). I am currently trying to find out whether I am a boy
Heyo, it's me again. I came over here about a month ago (?) to talk about the possibility of me being transgender. Some things have changed and I have learned new things, and I have "come out" to my family as possibly being transgender.
First, here are my symptoms:
Gender Euphoria - I feel happy when referred to as 'he' or called by a specific masculine name (I've tried David: it makes me immensely happy :) )
Discomfort with assigned genitalia and the female aspects of my body. This includes but is not limited to my breasts, sexual organs, wrists, hips, eyelashes, face shape, thighs.
Discomfort when referred to as female, or as my birthname. I used to be OK with being called she/her and with my birthname, but now two years after puberty and almost a year after I started questioning is when it started. Although, in my earlier years (elementary school) I did refer to myself as a boy in my head sometimes, because I thought it was fun. I also detested feminine things, and I tried to portray myself as masculine as possible at all times.
Discomfort in how I see myself internally. It's confusing, and scary. I'm not sure if I'm actually a male inside or if it is just a symptom of my depression (I have been formally diagnosed) or some sort of body dysmorphia thing. I don't see myself as a girl, I don't think.
I want to have male anatomy. All of it. Penis, flat chest, deep voice, Adams apple, everything! My parents have told me that I think this way because I think having a period is too hard or what I have to do 'as a girl' is too uncomfortable, but thats not exactly the reasons I want to be a boy. My parents tried to deter me from wanting to be a boy by saying that 'boys deal with uncomfortable stuff too!' and I KNOW that! But I don't care. I just... need a male body.
OK, those are the brunt of my symptoms. Now on to the caveats of this dilemma:
My mom pointed out the possibility of 'penis envy' to my. She said that lots of girls my age feel envious of males having a penis when they do not have one. Could I be experiencing penis envy, or is it something more serious?
I am young. Thirteen. I know for a fact that practically nobody knows or even questions if they're trans when they're in the seventh-eighth grade, so are my feelings still valid? My mom also pointed out that the human brain isn't full developed until you are twenty six, and that I cannot make a valid decision until then. I feel like that is maybe pushing it too far, but is she right? Could all of this just be me being a dumb, angsty teenager? That's what she thinks, at least.
I feel like I am faking my symptoms. The more I learned about how a trans person's dysphoria feels like, the more I start to feel that way, too. Could this be me making it up or is this normal? I am really not sure...
I am seeing a counselour right now, but we aren't talking about these things. I feel so awful keeping all of these feelings pent up but whenever I try to talk about them my counselour just steers the conversation in a different direction entirely. The only time I have truly talked about my symptoms was with my mom, and that is when she brought up the penis envy and age stuff.
I've been so confused lately, and I just don't know what to do. If any of you can help me sort this all out, it would be greatly appreciated.... thank you so much.
(side thing here that goes with my symptoms; in band we (the girls) had to try on dresses. Everyone was happy and smiling and stuff, excited about the dresses, but I was about to have a dead on panic attack. When I put on the dress, I felt disgusting and wrong. I couldn't stand to look at myself because now, more than ever, I didn't look like me. I cried a lot. Luckily, the tailor was a very nice woman, and actually the mother of a nonbinary pal that I have! She was very nice about it, and told me to ask my parents if I could wear a suit for concerts instead. Of course, my parents won't ever let me do that, but I appreciate the sentiment. Thank you, Mrs. S!)
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