ᵏⁱᵈ the ʙᴏʏ

header art not mine // previously: nerdydollie, crybabylucifer, failboie, & azzisugrrland

[kidouji]

this is the new pinned post

identity is exhausting uhh idkidk might have did or at least im not real in some way and uhh names idk too exhausting and uhh im fluid in everything so uh yeah but i accept he / him & ig they / them too bec idc idk? anyways tism tism tism ✨✨✨ ultra shchizo magical boy beam 🌈🌈💕💕💕

[kidouji]

tragedy can b cute ^w^

[kidouji]

uh uhh vague talk about drug abuse & sh, also art depicting sh & blood you have been warned

🗑️

mama would you believe i was your baby even if i destroyed everything and i begged to be drugged up while i hurt the baby you used to adore? would you believe i am so innocent again? i am abysmal.

[kidouji]

sorry kitten but daddy is about to kill himself

imma have to be emo horrorcore rq everyone look away &accept it thx heheh

k im channeling myinner wtfishappeningkillkill ekilleme mk? this is a vent blog not an aesthetic blog and im about to kill everyone and myself okayy 🥺art and aesthetic is only the bonus 😇 ✨

[kidouji]

NOT THIS CHUD AGAIN ARGHH

NOOO NOT AGAIN I AKREADY DID THIS FOR 3 YEARS I HATE U LITTLE GREEN MAN THAT IS VERY GAY BISEXUAL AND IS A EMO KISSER EUGHH

[kidouji]

it's so strange trying to live in a household with someone who's just mean i could never explain it as anything more than just mean and just trying to be neutral the best you can or happy and anything they say just leaves you with that "oh" feeling and the feeling that's like "please don't cry" because it's just as normal as anything else they say but you look away enough to get comfortable and forget how hard they try to ruin everything until they do it again very very soon after without fail immediately collapsing the comfort again but you do have to be comfortable or it will make them worse if you show weakness but you're also really sensitive and you know that so you just try and not to take anything to heart but it gets to a point where the comments just start sounding like they're wishing harm on you even though your family and they're supposedly really family oriented just not to you or your part of the family so it just starts feeling like there's something wrong with you or that you don't deserve to have comfort or live or not to be hurt or even feel anything and you're really really trying just to be neutral and not take anything too seriously but sometimes you just can't and you're crying because you're feelings are hurt really hurt really hurt and it probably won't ever get resolved because they don't believe in feelings outside of their own it only matter if it affects them not anyone else

yeah it just kinda sucks yk

it just makes me feel really numb and like i don't want to talk to anyone like i really gotta process that one for 3 days straight in my room alone and i don't wanna talk

[kidouji]

🌈🦄 ᑭᖇIᑎᑕᗴՏՏ ᑭᗩᖇTY

[kidouji]

and suddenly less things matter when ur alone... i look back at all the times i had joy and it feels very meaningless now bec it wasn't really fully the actions that made it fun it was just the fact that i shared it with someone i loved sm with all my heart... i don't love them anymore but if i was more naive than i was now i would've believed i couldn't love someone as much as i loved them maybe it wasn't in a way that they wanted but it was pure romantic childishly platonic love we were the best of friends and promised to be together forever with a proposal of love my memories are so fond if not tainted by their withered heart and dark intentions and lies but my heart was true and im really not sure i could love someone as much as them i probably shouldn't ever because it was as painful as it was sweet

i know i know it's all rose tinted memories i don't miss them i think but i do yearn for something to fill that hole in my heart i know im more tired and less trusting and less willing and more fractured from my last love but i do hope i find that happiness again and I'm not sure I'll find it in myself no matter how much i heal myself or think of myself better it comes to a point where my heart is full yet empty with space perfectly fit for someone else... 𖹭

im not even sure if i just miss what kind of person i thought they were or being in a relationship idek... we had such a unique relationship dynamic :c i don't think I'll ever find again.. they were ace and i think i really liked that about them.. i feel like everyone outside of me is too much & I'm too sheltered and they feel like the perfect fit in the way that i hate that partners are expected to be very lustful... 😵‍💫 i very much hate that element bec i would consider myself on the ace spec but finding ace ppl is very much a unicorn...!!! ACK! the thought of someone flirting at me in the way most ppl do makes me feel gross on the inside i wish and hope for a pure and soft love...

[kidouji]

drew my roblox avatar i love it sm!!!!!!

(I TᖇIᗴᗪ TO ᗪO ᗰOᗴ ᗩGᗩIᑎ... IᗪK Iᖴ IT Gᑌᗪ..?)

[kidouji]

a mix between these doggies is very me coded :3 i feel it in my very soul <3 ans i already call myself shiba sometimes in my thoughts hehehe!! and ofc i would me smol fluffy pupper :p bec soo cute and me!

🐾 also think a husky is very me coded too sometimes heh awuu 🐕

[kidouji]

my new pony sona ✨✨✨

[kidouji]

ℳy ℋeart ℐs 𝒯rue . . . ۶۟ৎ

[kidouji]

me <3 im everything ok

🍪

[kidouji]

just learned i will most likely have to be homeless to be eligible for the amount of help i need for my disabilities + moving out in somewhere that isn't going to be extremely dangerous :(

(more so absolutely and my ownly CHOICE SSDFDA im fine)

[kidouji]

aint nothing like rotting and drawing cute boys cuz ehat else am i good for 🦄

[kidouji]

"you don't need money to be happy"

then what is it i need? i try to keep myself dumb and unknowing of the things im missing by having nothing until i get a glimpse and it gets harder to ignore that i have nothing i don't have new clothes i don't have food i don't have a brush i don't have shoes i don't have a mirror i don't have anything and if anything breaks ill never know if it will be replaced or if it's gone forever

"oh well friends can help you"

no they can't no one can everything is just a distraction so i ignore my clock running out until everything crumbles in on me and i become homeless no amount of joking or talking will fix this

"family is most important, will help, will soothe, etc"

but they are the sole reason for why we lost everything and i fucking hate them they would never help me they look at me like a road dog

"faith is what will heal and help you"

and yet here i am who ever said i didn't have faith until now not just on others things but myself and yet i can't stop that there's a gaping void in my future

it really is just a mindless distraction of the very little things i have until i really have nothing and will have nothing more than what i think is worse now will only get more terrifyingly uncertain and unstable until collapse

there will be a time when my small little games with no actual meaning aren't even a worry because i will ascend childish worries and hobbies without my control and i will have to stretch my meals further and further there will be a time when i will be starving and drooling and have to scrape and eat from a peanut butter jar as dinner and there will be time i will lose access to things that seem very important to be but in the long run were never meant exist like the Internet and headphones and there will be a time when my fan breaks and i will get a heat stroke because i can't replace it and there will be a time I'll consider oding and there will be a time i lose sight of what i used to love because you are nothing if you don't have the rights to own anything I'm not going to exist in a forest like a tree troll I'm going to be mauled in a street and be a sore on someone's lawn on the way to a secondary store trying to buy peanut for dinner with what little I have left because there is no future where i heal from this and even then by the time i live through it and break it will be too late to ever live life so naively like I'm not going to die like i have a meal in the future without thought like my game currency means anything like my worry of fashion isn't just a distraction that I'll be stripped from in the coming years because I'm not going to escape I'm not and i have to accept that no matter how much i try to hope and be positive and be thankful and spread happiness it's all worthless because I'm going to die on the side of the road like the roadkill dog i seen when i first moved here that's going to be me a sweet good dog who did it's best ran over by a douchebag trying to show off by how fast his car could go that's going to be me and I'll have absolutely nothing to show for it and that's fine because i am nothing at least it would not affect much and just be forgotten because that would be the most gentle thing my life would ever offer to me a forgotten unfelt death

[kidouji]

@thechristmasgirl25 🎀

& my Christmas roblox avatar as a bonus bec they were my reference for some of my drawings here!