One.Love.

Just a girl trying to rid her life of the negative. Any advice on moving forward, eliminating jealousy and loving life is always appreciated.

[killthejealousyinme]

Policy

Along the way I have this "you break it, you buy it" policy on my heart. 😢 I need to get that under control and fix it myself.

[pleasehitrepeat]

Just Like Daddy - Makaveli

[killthejealousyinme]

Take Control, Be my "Daddy"

[killthejealousyinme]

Over

I genuinely wonder if after all the sadness and shock wore off, if he'd feel a sense of relief.

[parskis]

i swear to god, men raising their voice is the most terrifying thing in the whole world. they dont understand, like its an immediate panic response, game over

[cl4yton-deactivated20180207]

I actually had no idea women found this so scary

[periwinklepromise]

my downstairs neighbors fight on a regular basis, and every time he starts yelling i’m a little afraid he’s going to kill her. i have no reason to think this except that he is a man and he is angry

[thewonderfulthingaboutfish]

My math teacher has a loud voice and a temper and he scares the living shit out of me almost everyday. He’s made me and other kids cry more than once and he and his teacher buddies make a joke out of terrifying students.

[diamondsamura1-deactivated20220]

this was women in general? i knew my gf didn’t like it but I was unaware if this affected most women

[survivor-surviving]

Yes, it does

[pandora-ness]

As a woman, I had no idea it effected other women like this. I was too afraid to even talk about it. I thought I was weak. Thanks for bringing attention to this.

[kaldraws8280]

My dad thinks it’s funny that I used to cry when he raised his voice. I freak out whenever some one does. Once my director did, and I started crying I couldn’t stop. I’m glad to see I’m not alone…

[suicunesrider]

This is so important– seeing how common this is– and I also want you all to know that this is not normal. It isn’t something instinctively ingrained into women, to be afraid of men. There is no natural state of men being a threat that women constantly have to be afraid of. This is cultural. So many women and girls here have a mutual understanding of this feeling, and I think it really shows an unsettling truth about our society, particularly about how men are raised to act and how so many women have this defensive reaction gradually develop. It’s so important that these people have their voices heard, because it teaches us about problems that we just can’t deny the existence of any longer.

[shidoninoure]

I’m glad I’m not the only one

[anexperimentallife]

My fellow men, pay attention. I didn’t realize how scary this could be until one of my exes explained it to me, and it’s heartbreaking.

Also, when we move too much during an argument, or lean forward, it’s scary, and I never knew. I was even a little insulted at first, because surely she didn’t think I would hurt her. But see, that doesn’t matter. It wasn’t a sign that she mistrusted me specifically; it’s a conditioned response. (Although if you keep doing it once you realize it scares her, she SHOULDN’T trust you.)

Not every woman has been physically harmed by a man she trusted, but every woman KNOWS a woman who has.

I used to be horrible about this, because I didn’t realize how intimidating it was. I didn’t understand why the woman I was with clammed up or tried to tell me what she thought I wanted to hear, and I only got angrier, and acted even more like an asshole. It was wrong. It was abusive. It didn’t matter if I INTENDED it that way; it was still emotionally abusive. And it was inexcusable.

I get that when passions are high, and when you’re frustrated, it’s a natural tendency to let your voice get louder, to shout and gesture and lean forward. But you can train yourself to do better. You can train yourself to keep more of an even tone, to refrain from large and fast gestures, to not lean into her personal space. I did. I’m not perfect at it yet, but goddamn it, I WILL be.

Don’t tell me it’s too hard, that you just can’t do it, or that you “shouldn’t have to.” I’m 53 years old and just now getting the hang of it, and if this old dog can learn something new, so can you.

[killthejealousyinme]

There are No Judgement Free Zones

I keep being told, “I’ll listen, judge free” or something similar. I am losing faith in that reality. I am an adult, a consenting adult. I understand my choices. I am choosing to better myself by unlearning jealousy and envy. This is my path for now. I understand everyone has their opinion as to how my relationship should look. For example… My parents think we should get married, legally (and ideally for them through the church). Nope. Not my path, not for us. But seems the hardest one to find a judge free zone is this, he should “allow” you to sleep with other men if he’s sleeping with other women. So here’s where I have to defend myself again. I am a consenting adult, choosing to be in a relationship with a man, the father of my children, that is a hypocrite. But is he? He has taken years, studying why he does what he does. From education of our children, to the medical field, to religion (or lack thereof). He has identified himself as polyamorous. He loves to love women. He also loves me. He knows me. My good and my horrible (which has been more often than the good lately). He takes care of me, he loves our children and keeps us safe. He knows that he doesn’t want his wife (or the woman identified as his wife) to sleep with other men. He’s not telling me I can’t sleep with other men, I can if I wanted. He’ll still love me, he’ll still take care of us… But he won’t be in a relationship with me. Do I want to fuck random guys more than I want a relationship with him? Absolutely not! I am choosing to be with him knowing what he desires from his wife. I was never concerned with sleeping with other men in the past… I was concerned about feeling safe, feeling protected, feeling loved. I am a consenting adult, choosing to be in a relationship with a man that has identified what will and will not work for him. He could easily end our relationship and find a cuckquean. I could easily end our relationship and be single. Neither of us want that, we both want each other and are fighting hard to get to a place where we are both happy. I want to heal from past traumas and deceit, build confidence, and cure myself of the jealousy and envy that currently run my mind. No, I don’t want to share him, but I understand that he loves women. So once again, my choice to stay. My choice to unlearn monogamy. My choice to grow with him. He is choosing to deal with my slow moving growth in order to stay together. I thought it was all about what works for each couple, or triad or more. Each to find out what works for themselves. Was I misunderstanding that part? Would I be wrong if after all this, I found out that polyamory didn't work for me? I want to be his all accepting good wife, and funny how that’s what he wants from me. Although I know I will be judged for my choices, I am also learning to not give a fuck.

[bithewayimgabriela]

[killthejealousyinme]

Me at work. Best. Poker. Face. Ever.

[bithewayimgabriela]

[killthejealousyinme]

I have been violently comparing myself to other women. And to him. And from all angles only hurting myself.

[bithewayimgabriela]

[killthejealousyinme]

It's not slowly anymore.

[bithewayimgabriela]

[killthejealousyinme]

Me. =(

[bithewayimgabriela]

She Is So Stubborn. Her Heart Has An Argument With Her Head Every Time It Wants To Beat.

🐿 (via bithewayimgabriela)

Written for me, because it is me.

[killthejealousyinme]

Current Mood

[justrandomemotions]

This makes me think of you.

[killthejealousyinme]

You posted a picture describing my feelings.

[killthejealousyinme]

Visit Original Link

Me. But can’t be me. Definitely you tho… Kinda.

[killthejealousyinme]

Your Actions

Your actions don't define me. I am still beautiful even if you find her beautiful. I am still special even if you make others feel special. I am still worthy of your love even if you care about someone else. I am still worthy of your attention even if your focus is elsewhere. Your actions don't diminish me. Your actions don't lessen OUR relationship. You fucking her doesn't mean you don't want to fuck me. You finding her attractive doesn't mean you no longer find me attractive. You spending a weekend with her doesn't mean you don't want to spend weekends alone with me. Your actions don't define me. They don't define us. Help me always to remember this.

[polyamorousduck]

Poly Book Club: The Ethical Slut

Chapter 8:

What do I expect from this way of living my life? I always expected openness, honesty, love, and support. Freedom and opportunity to just be and be loved for it. What rewards can you foresee that will compensate you for doing the hard work of learning to be secure in a world of shifting relationships? Goodness, I don’t think that I possibly could have known that I would have what I have today much less begin to look ahead any further on this. Continued love, support, and self-improvement. What are your reasons for choosing this path? Originally as joint sexual exploration of opportunities because we were confident and secure enough in our relationship that we trusted one another. It’s just continued to evolve as we’ve grown together through our shared life experiences. Are you comfortable introducing your partner to the cute number you are flirting with at a wild party? Yes. I’ve actually really liked that about women that my husband has chatted with online that they’ve asked to speak with me. It sends a very positive message to me that they respect me enough to communicate and confirm my consent.

I’d like to think that I’m good at setting my own limits, what I don’t want to consent to expect in the occasions that I just don’t want sex. When my husband and myself are having an argument or upset at one another or anything of the like, I don’t like to engage in sexual activities with others. There are sometimes that I just want to be held and talk with others and don’t want sex or I don’t feel up to par and don’t want it. It happens. I’ve seen myself do it now with both of my husbands, if they make a nudge toward it I will submit myself. Not always, and I feel like I could do better on that. I usually feel really upset when I put limits and I’m still not sure why. I guess some sort of weird mental programming that as wife, I should be ready to submit to the needs of my husband as wifely duty. Planning. Planning. I love to make schedules. Meta loves to keep calendars. H1 is decent about going along with a plan. H2 is more of a “in the moment, as life comes” kind of guy. Sometimes it works, sometimes I break into a thousand pieces and fail.

Things I need to work on: communication, knowing myself, owning my feelings, and going easy on myself.

[killthejealousyinme]

Chapter 8 I guess I keep choosing not to focus on my expectations or rewards, and only focus on what my husband will gain and his rewards. I know I can be emotional and overwhelming (which I wasn't really before I found out my life was/is much different than I thought it was), so I think I could benefit from not feeling like such a burden to just my husband and have someone else to hold me while I allow the feelings to pass through. I want to find positive because I keep going down the negative path of negative expectations. I want to find happiness. I am hoping that seeing my husband be happy will make me genuinely happy and not jealous that I wasn't able to do it on my own. My reasons for choosing this path are still not clear. My husband is polyamorous, I am not sure I am. I tell him I feel pressured to be on board, to be "okay" with him dating other women, spending time with them, fucking them, and developing feelings for them. I'm not okay with it because I lack confidence in myself and I lack confidence in our relationship. For an outsider looking in, it probably sounds like we're not ideal for each other which is what I keep thinking and telling him. And he keeps getting upset that I bring it up. He says he'd rather be with me, and that he'd learn to be okay in a monogamous relationship with me... I tell him that he would resent me for not nurturing who he is and he'd be bored and miserable. Then, I think the idea of me being fully monogamous while he's polyamorous doesn't sit well with me. I want to participate in the sexual adventures he desires, I want to be that girl for him. I just need to get passed the whole jealousy piece. I don't think we're in a good place to move forward, and he has all the confidence in the world that he thinks we are. That's why I'm curious and looking forward to Chapter 16.

[polyamorousduck]

Poly Book Club: The Ethical Slut

Chapter 7:

This chapter was filled with a lot of information that I almost kind of wish that it was split up into multiple segments. Especially under the section on Real-World Limits. Time has so much that branches out, I personally believe that’s something that needs the most attention from any person ever, poly or not. Time management is such a crucial life skill that improves every kind of relationship in your life. Scheduling, communicating schedules, making time (self, partners, children, friends, etc.), and respecting the schedules of everyone else. It’s not easy and sometimes people end upset because schedules don’t work out. I’m horrible about it. Absolutely weak to handling upsets in scheduling. I’m hoping to work on improving that but I guess recognizing it as a weakness is a step towards something, right? SPACE IS A HUGE DEAL. I love being able to cuddle up with everyone in bed on one hand but I’m really looking forward to having a second room setup because while we all fit in one bed, it isn’t always comfortable for everyone and then room usage can be awkward going back to time. We do have the house and a condo but they’re in two different cities and we’re looking at renting the condo which leads to moving all of our belongings from there to where??? The talk of “don’t let your lover finish the last of the milk your spouse was going to have with breakfast” or whatever makes a lot of sense but I think about things like my husband was a little deflated Christmas Eve because H2 read the kids ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas while he was having a moment with Meta after our evening gift exchange. None of us knew that he wanted to do it, I just wanted the kids ready for bed and H2 was available. Maybe we need to go over things like that and make a list of things that we find important. I think some things we might not even realize matter to us until we see it happening with someone else.

[killthejealousyinme]

Chapter 7 This chapter was rough... Growing up the youngest of 3, we'd always "joke" around the house about how my brother was my mom's favorite and my sister was my dad's favorite and how I was no one's favorite. This exemplifies my childhood. There was always a limited amount of time, love and energy to go around. I was in and out of unhealthy, unfaithful, abusive relationships. When I met my husband, I gave him a rundown of why I struggle with trust and my fears. By then, the idea abundance was for the birds! I was definitely thinking exactly like the starvation economy described in the beginning of this chapter. Understanding that letting go requires a leap of faith is essentially what I've been trying to do with my husband. I've told him took just keep moving forward. If he wants to date new women he can, and that I'd hopefully little by little see that he doesn't love me any less. He wants me to be "okay" first before he moves forward. It's turned into a Catch 22... I'm miserable because it has been incredibly difficult to let go, as I still think he'll have less time, energy and love for me as I've been raised to believe which in turn makes him miserable that I'm miserable and has lost patience for this transition. Which feeds my monster that he'll absolutely replace me as soon as he finds the perfect girl. I to agree with @polyamorousduck that this chapter could've been split up. The second main segment for me was having to pinpoint what I'm afraid might happen. I keep thinking he'll find the perfect girl, as I mentioned before, that enjoys and fully grasps the idea of abundance and polyamory. Or he'll fall in love with someone that doesn't have our (his and mine) best interest at heart and she'll manipulate him, take all his time and take him away. I am afraid that he'll resent me for not being 100% on board and our family will break up. I fear having to raise our children in separate homes or that they'll choose him and I'll be the part time parent. I would die without my children. I fear he will impregnate the wrong girl that in turn takes our limited amount of money, and he'll be devastated having a child out there that he wasn't raising. I can come up with a million worst case scenarios which is my problem. I am only focusing on the negative.