there is no downside to voting for Count Binface. its not taking away from other candidates bcos they aren't any and the more votes he gets the stupider Farage looks.
Nigel Farage is the leader of Reform UK, a far right party who are currently in the process of a serious bid to become the UK government. they are just straight up evil.
Count Binface is an intergalactic space warrior with a bin on his head. he likes to run as a novelty candidate in general and mayoral elections. a big thing he likes to do is run as a candidate against the incumbent prime minister:
(Also pictured: Boris Johnson, Elmo)
Anyway, in brief:
Nigel Farage is currently in the midst of a big scandal about his finances
He has decided to deal with this by 1) making a show of nobly resigning from parliament and then 2) immediately running in the resulting by-election
He has stated that he is letting 'the people' judge his actions and implied that if he wins that will prove that he has been exonerated in the court of public opinion
His goal was presumably to get a big resounding win over the other parties, proving that The People still love him.
the other parties have thus far decided that this is a 'vanity election' and, well, there is one very easy way to ensure that he will not beat any of them, and that is simply not to play.
and as a result the only person who has so far confirmed they are running against him is Count Binface. no matter the outcome this makes Nigel Farage look like, u know, a fucking clown.
I've seen some people saying he would have to give up his title but it would seem that is no longer the case as of 1999; so, no, he can keep his ceremonial bin if he wishes.
Important to note also that Count Binface is the alter ego of comedian & political satirist Jon Harvey who seems to be an intelligent individual with reasonable politics. As I said no real downside.
My favourite part of this so far is that, owing to the BBC's charter of neutrality, they have to interview Count Binface and his representatives (he has none) on equal terms to Farage. So he has appeared on a very serious, very straight laced British News Show.
The two 'earthlings' in this video, Justin Webb and Nick Robinson, are known for being impeccably well read and well researched, for giving politicians really harsh, uncomprimising interviews, for reporting unflinchingly on massacres of civillians in Gaza, Sudan, and Iran, for speaking truth to power.
And today they interviewed Count Binface.
There are two possible outcomes here:
1) Farage wins and his investigation by the commons standards comission gets immediately reopened (and there's a motion in parliament at the moment to continue the investigation while Farage isn't an MP, and of course he didn't turn up to argue his point), and we're back where we started, or
2) Farage loses to a fecking bin.
And I'm honestly not sure which is funnier
Victor Frankenstein after achieving the impossible and building a fucking person from scraps of the dead: Oh god, ew, ew it's ugly! Yucky! Yucky! Gross! Ew! Ew! Yucky! Yucky! Gross! Ew!
At some point on the journey back to Erid, Rocky gets around to asking Grace exactly why he was so mesmerised by seeing the astrophage in the Petrova line.
Grace describes it as best he can, but all he can really manage to get across to Rocky is that he was surrounded by small floating lights.
Later on, Grace is talking about the stars and how important they've been to human cultures for millennia. “What do the stars look like, question?” Rocky wants to know.
Oh, y'know, they're a bunch of small floating lights.
There's a disco ball on the Hail Mary. Grace says it's there because it “makes me happy”. “How does it make Grace happy, question?” Rocky wants to know.
Oh, it creates the illusion that he's surrounded by small floating lights.
Rocky begins to do some research.
Glitter: a substance invented by humans to make things look like they're covered in small lights.
Human jewellery: mostly involves gemstones or polished metals, designed to reflect small lights.
Christmas lights. Candles. Lanterns. Fireworks. Glowsticks. Glow in the dark paint. Rocky is beginning to notice a pattern here, statement.
It takes Grace a fucking while after getting to Erid to notice that a lot of the gifts he's receiving from grateful Eridians are either a) sparkly, b) incredibly shiny, or c) fitted with lights.
While the last one is obviously a concession for his human light sense, he's confused about the former two. Are Eridian materials usually this shiny? Is there some quality about sparkly or highly polished surfaces that makes them sound better? Or is there something about Eridian geology/metallurgy that makes their materials like this?
He asks Rocky about it.
“Simple. I tell people humans like lots of small lights. Humans are easy to make happy.”
Grace kind of wants to protest that humans are much more complicated than that.
But honestly… it fucking works. Like yeah the polished gemstones, shiny metals and glittery rocks are beautiful. Yes those Christmas lights you put up around the house did markedly improve my mental health, Rocky. Thank you, I hate it.
Grace spends a lot of time trying not to think about whether his species' urge to explore the cosmos (that saved their planet and nearly killed him several times) is tied to the same instinct that made his students like glitter gel pens.
You guys ever see a post that ruins your life so completely you have to write 6,000+ (so far) words about it?
Me neither.
Author has no idea how relativity works, so my excuse is bigger crew equals heavier ship and less speed equals the relativity not affecting the Hail Mary as much. Also Astrophage has a different name, since in this AU someone else had to name it.
Chapter 1 / Chapter 2
There weren’t words in any language to describe the feeling that was squeezing the air out of Eva Stratt’s chest right now.
It felt like all the air has been sucked out of the room. No one but her was authorized to watch these yet, and it was her foolishness that has made everyone on the ship’s bridge go uncomfortably silent.
She allowed herself to hope when she heard that the Beetles were spotted within their solar system.
This was supposed to be the her breath of fresh air, the moment she had spent decades fighting for. The moment that made all of her heinous actions, the stepped-on toes, prison, and the world’s hatred worth it.
Instead she was staring at the image of a little boy and for the first time in her memory she didn’t care who heard her strangled gasp.
The boy, Ryland Grace, explained that he had just arrived at Tau Ceti. He talked about how the crew died in their comas in-transit. He said that he might not be a grown-up, he might not be trained for this, but he will do everything he can to save Earth. That he’s studied everything he can about the Astercide, about science and biology, and he was ready to made the Earth and his Mama proud.
He was wearing his mother’s yellow flightsuit. The shoulder seems hung well down his arms, and the legs and arms were rolled up so much it was almost comical.
Someone beside Stratt was retching into a wastebasket.
It was never supposed to be this way.
It was supposed to be a pilot, a backup pilot and second in command, two engineers, two scientists. Redundancy after redundancy after redundancy. No room for failure in an already long shot mission.
Stratt was absolutely furious with Marilyn Grace.
She thought she could trust her. Grace had understood her in a way so few people did. Stratt loved humanity, Grace loved life. She loved people, the nature, the cities, drinking, hugging, kissing, dancing, sing, cooking, sex, friendship, family, and all the facets that makes humanity. Marilyn Grace understood the stakes. Or Stratt thought she did.
“I-I hope humanity has lots of babies after we fix the sun.” She sloppily said as she stumbled onto where Stratt was looking out to the ocean. A very convenient hiding spot from the party going on. Grace took another long drink from the Malibu Rum bottle she was holding.“I always wanted to be a mama, and now I’m not going to. Is it bad I want that generation named after me? They all can be my babies.”
“Are you having second thoughts?” Stratt had asked her.
“No!” She answered a bit too loud. “I’m here because I can help save the world! If I’m somewhere not-here and making babies then I’m not saving the world. I’ll just be bringing babies into a colder, meaner world.”
Somehow it made sense at the time.
Ryland Grace’s existence didn’t make sense right now.
If it was a moment of selfishness on Grace’s part, then she wouldn’t have gone into that coma. It would’ve been mortifying to be around her as she grew a baby inside her. Stratt could imagine her smiling throughout the whole thing. Terrible morning sickness would just be met with coos about her little one being a picky eater. Harassing everyone around her about ultrasounds and name ideas. Inviting anyone to touch her stomach when they first start kicking. Cradling her belly as she dances with her baby and sings to the worst pop songs imaginable.
Grace would not have missed those moments for anything in the universe.
Unless it wasn’t her choice-
Eva Stratt prided herself on her ability to destroy factors that could hinder her mission. Now a single moment of thoughtlessness proves she isn’t as inhuman as people like to claim, and now there’s a little boy with the weight of an entire planet on his tiny shoulders.
Mary did you know that your baby boy-
Stratt immediately shut out the song out of her head as quickly as it came to her.
The next video was playing.
“Sooooo I met an alien!” Ryland Grace proudly announces. He looking up at the camera with a huge grin across his face. Big enough everyone can see one of his adult teeth was still growing in. “Anddd we’re learning to communicate.” He added as he took off a piece of duct tape to add to the monstrosity in front of him.
“The language rule is 250 words to order at restaurants right? Then we can go to one!” He said picking up what they can now see is a laptop. “Well technically. In Rocky’s culture it’s private to eat. Like going to the bathroom. And I’ve never been to one. I wonder which ones Mama liked. I wish I could go to a diner, like in the movies.”
For moment it looked like Ryland was going to cry.
“M-Mary stop the video.”
The video stops and restarts.
The sound of retching again. This boy should be on Earth. Riding a bicycle, making crude jokes with his friends, huffing over his mother’s fussing. Not making videos with the weight of the world on his shoulders and not even letting himself cry over it.
“Sorry.” He says, still taping the computer. “Anyway, Rocky and I were sending messages back and forth. I’ll add the videos at the end, but we were able to figure out a lot of stuff! His atmosphere is made of ammonia! And very, very hot. He’s from the 40-Eridani System, and they have a Petrova Line too! My atmosphere would kill him and his, me but it’s not like I’m not used to being the only one here.”
It was far to dark of a joke for someone who hasn’t even hit puberty yet. Stratt doesn’t know who she wants to scream and rage at, but the desire to was a rotten beast clawing the inside of her chest.
Might also be the nausea.
“He’s a mechanic, I think. He uses a metal form of xenon, and he can make anything! Look at this!” Ryland says as he gets up and holds up a piece of metal. “I’m calling it xenonite. And if I can’t understand what he’s saying, which is most of the time, he puts on a little puppet show for me and my tiny brain!”
This child’s brain was far from tiny. She doesn’t subscribe to traditional ideas of intelligence, but Ryland’s ability to learn and retain was astounding. His ability to search for information on the database she gave is an incredible feat.
And heartbreaking because he knew far too much.
And her mission was in his small, fragile hands.
“I should mind it I think. I don’t want Rocky to know how young I am because what if he doesn’t trust me to help? He needs a smart science human like I need a smart engineer Eridian. His sun is dying too, we can help each other.”
The videos he added after that were horrifying in their own right.
Ryland was still shorter than the shortest person on the mission, and smart enough to realize attempting to alter the EVA suit was risky.
The duct tape holding down the extra fabric and the rounds of it around his boots and legs turned out to be least horrifying aspect of his first ever spacewalk.
First person to contact intelligent alien life and youngest person to ever perform a spacewalk. Whichever way Marilyn was looking at them, Stratt hoped she was proud and appalled in equal measure.
Nobody has ever said she had kindness for even honest mistakes. She hopes Marilyn is ashamed. One encounter too close to launch and the thing she wanted most is suffering because of her carefree attitude.
The tunnel with the clear wall was a stark reminder Ryland Grace was just a boy. He made silly poses with the alien, and trusted them far too easily.
She couldn’t even get angry. There’s no one there to warn him of stranger danger, and what would be the point if you were the stranger to even to your own homeworld?
“He, uh, figured me out.” Ryland said next. He laughed nervously.
He was carrying a pillow under one arm, and the Good Luck Quilt was slung over his shoulders. It looked worn and old and well-loved.
Stratt audibly sighed in relief. She couldn’t believe she’d forgotten about it, but he had a comfort item after all. He had something more to hold him than the limp or cold hands of the crew of the Hail Mary.
“He wasn’t mad, and he’s not gonna like, lock me in a crib anywhere. He just made me promise I’ll listen to him since he’s the only adult for light years. Which is understandable. It’ll be nice to have a grown up tell me to go to bed. I have to do a lot of studying and research to understand the Astercide problem and Project Hail Mary and Earth, so I’m going to take advantage of an adult giving me permission to sleep instead while I can.”
Are they going to be able to release any of this to the public?
“Speaking of, I’m doing my first sleepover!” Ryland excitedly told the camera. “I told Rocky I needed to sleep and apparently Eridians sleep way differently than we do. They become paralyzed, so they can’t wake up if danger comes they need someone to protect them.”
Ryland suddenly looked very sad.
“Rocky watched his entire crew die. Like me. He’s been alone out here. Like me. And now he wants to make sure I feel comfortable and safe.” Ryland smiled. “Aliens are good! They’re not like the scary movies at all. I hope lots of people see this so when we save our stars we can do space travel and be friends.”
Stratt could theoretically hear people weeping around her, but she was too focused on his little face. He’s a sweet boy. A sweet, smart boy who has gone through horrors that are going to traumatize psychologists for decades.
And if he knew what the Project Hail Mary mission was, he likely knows he’s going to die. That he doesn’t have the fuel to get to Earth. He likely knows that ship is his tomb. The tomb of a human child who has never felt and will never feel their sun’s light on his skin.
This might be the one bomb to her soul she can’t survive. She always knew if Project Hail Mary failed it would destroy her, but she never anticipated that there would be competition.
In the end, only Stratt and the captain could stay.
He was a big, stoic man, and she has long admired his ability to keep a level head in even the most dire situations.
Even his lip was wobbling a bit.
“I HAVE A NEW ROOMMATE!!” Ryland practically squealed. The captain grinned at his enthusiasm. “Rocky and I spent hourssssss on his tunnels but it’s worth it! It’s nice to have an adult here. He can tell me when to sleep and when to eat and I don’t have to feel bad. It’s nice that I can act a little silly and stupid and scared and he’s here.”
And both Stratt and the captain are back to feeling horrible.
“Grace? Has Grace found the sampler instructions, question?”
“Check this out.” Ryland said as his voice dropped to a whisper. “Sure did, Rocky?” He turned the camera to show how far away Rocky was.
Bright chittering.
“The way our species evolved gives us both strengths and weaknesses. Their engineering science is absolutely incredible.” the boy said turning the camera towards himself again. “But solving their astercide problem was the first time Eridians have ever explored space. They didn’t know a lot of things, like radiation...Rocky’s crew died of radiation.”
Stratt remained silent. She wished she could feel grief for Rocky’s crew right now, but Ryland was taking up too much space right now. She was sure it will hit her later.
“Erid has a very thick atmosphere, so they didn’t even know it existed. The only reason Rocky survived was because his workshop was right next to the Astercide.” He sighed. “I logged the errors that made the coma systems fail, and it should be in what I send back.”
The way this child is going back and forth in sounding far to old for his years or like a small boy is going to give her a heart attack.
But yet another sin on her back, and one she failed to give any serious thought to. What if the whole crew dies? She told people nothing about this was safe, but she supposed she believed too much in the Hail Mary to believe six people would die in space before even getting to Tau Ceti.
“In the movies there’s a thing where they do a moment of silence to honor people. Can we...can we do that?”
“Of course, Ryland.”
It was the captain who spoke.
A long moment passed.
“They better- they better get more than a moment of silence.” Ryland announced fiercely. “Statues and places named after them and awards for how brave and smart they were. I wish I could’ve met them. I wish-” He turned the video off.
He turned the video back on. His eyes are red.
“Rocky came up with a plan. We’re gonna orbit Tau Ceti – E to get an Astercide sample, and work from there to figure out why it isn’t eating the star here.”
The next video was extremely short.
Ryland Grace and Rocky in the Mental Health Room.
“Thank yoooooouuuuuu Eva Stratt!” Ryland said gleefully as he stood in front of the image of a beach.
“Thank you Eva Stratt.” Rocky dutifully repeated.
“She pirated the entirety of human knowledge!”
“Amaze amaze amaze.”
“I only know anything because of it! The mission only continues because her-”
Stratt skipped the video. The captain silently stared out the window as the wipers swiped back and forth.
The next one was short too.
“Tau Ceti – E is a boring name for a planet.” Grace said into the camera. “Is anyone attached to that name specifically? Rocky was the first one there.” He picked up his translation laptop and played a long series of musical notes. “He let me pick the human name for it. Adrian. His mate’s name!”
She was mentally sorting through her remaining connections. Although if they do find a solution and release these videos she doubts anyone would refuse his requests so far.
The next one was Rocky talking this time. Talking about an insane plan of a long chain, Ryland on the hull and piloting, and fishing.
“What think, Earth?”
She thought it was the dumbest thing she’s ever heard, but she had no right to complain.
She’s the one who hadn’t thought of a collector, she’s the one who sent Marilyn Grace to space only for her son to survive them all, she’s the one whose this baby’s blood is on her hands.
Rocky impatiently tapped the barrier. “Hello?!”
“They can’t hear you.” Ryland spoke up off screen.
“What?”
“We’re not actually talking to Earth. Earth’s too far away.” Ryland explained, moving stuff around, “We just record these messages and we tell ’em what we’ve learned, and then when we’re done, we’ll send them all back in a probe.”
“Why not you tell them yourself when you return home, question?”
“Yeah. This...this is it for me Rocky.”
Stratt held her breath. She didn’t know what she was hoping for. For Rocky to never know and happily live with the assumption this little boy got to go home? That he finally felt his star’s light on his skin, touched grass, ate greasy diner food? Or did she hope Rocky would find out and berate her? Blame her for this child’s suffering?
“What?”
“We had enough Astercide to get here but not enough to get back.”
‘We’ he says, like he wasn’t the most heavy unforeseen consequence she’ll have to bear.
“So, what happens to Grace, question?” Rocky says. They’ve both forgotten that the video was still rolling.
Stratt can’t tell if his casual attitude was forced, or he genuinely saw nothing wrong with his death.
“So Grace die, question?” Rocky asked, the text to speech getting emotional. She wasn’t sure if it was something Ryland programmed himself, or came built in, but it was doing extremely unhealthy things to her heart.
“Yeah, once we’re done, I’m...I’m gonna join Mama.”
She looked over to the captain. He was staring straight ahead. His posture as stiff as a board.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Rocky asked firmly. Ryland opened his mouth to say something, but quickly closed it. “No. Grace say Grace go home. You never corrected when I said you’d get to climb trees and swim and see fog and walk in big cities when you went home.”
Ryland tried to talk, tried to make him understand.
“Mama and everyone were willing to die for Earth! And they’re not here so I have to now! If I can save Earth then it’s made all the nights I curled up in Mama’s limp arms worth it! Then it’s made the silence and loneliness and being never meant to be here worth it! A-And I got to do amazing things too! I met you, we renamed a whole planet, we’re gonna save our stars. I’m good. I promise, Rocky.”
Stratt...can’t even begin to process that. Most of what she’s seeing she’s not going to be able to process until years down the line. And she’s only hearing it. She tries to imagine that for herself for a moment, and it’s too big. She turns to the captain instead, just to have a break from her own emotions.
His body hasn’t moved, but his head is hung low. She can see he’s crying.
“Need words.”
“W-what words do you need?”
“To...be so scared, but do it anyway. To be caring and gentle and helpful. Need more, but don’t have words describe them.”
Ryland added brave and kind to the computer.
“Grace is- bravest, most kind human in the universe. Earth would be lucky to have him.”
“Ah, are you joking? Since I’m the only human you’ve met?”
“No!”
Ryland flinched back.
“Bravest, kindest human. Earth would would be better with you on it.”
And Ryland, turned away. “Thank you.”
He’s never had to learn how to accept a compliment.
Rocky seemed to realize something.
“How much astercide do you need, question?”
Ryland sighed as he sunk down against the wall.
“Two million kilograms.”
Rocky was doing quick math in this head and on his fingers.
“I can give.”
Stratt gasped. The captain whipped around and was beside her in two steps. They both stared at the screen.
Hope. Please.
“I can give. I have extra. Can give that much and still have plenty for my return trip to Erid. You can have.”
Ryland at first tries to deny it. To prove he can’t actually have it. He’s trying not to get his hopes up.
Stratt and the captain would have enough for him.
“Rocky watched crew die. Could not fix. Grace say Grace will die. Rocky fix.”
Ryland started to noisily sob.
“Grace go home.”
He could only cry. It sounded like it was reverberating inside his chest. It sounded a decade old, it sounded like it spent his entire life building up.
“Oh, Grace.” Rocky cooed. Ryland practically collapsed onto him, his arms desperately trying to hug him.
“Thank you! Thank you thank you thankyouthankyouthankyou.”
“What is this action, question?”
“It’s a hug.” Ryland replied. “I’ve always wanted to do it, but you can’t-you can’t do it by yourself.”
“Understand.” Rocky said before he fell into the side of his ball Ryland was hugging. “Honored I am your first hug.”
“Me too.”
The next video was Ryland and Rocky standing in front of the airlock. Six corpses laid in front of them.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough to do this before.” Ryland said, looking up at the camera on the wall. He was wearing his mother’s flight suit again. “I hope their families can forgive me. I just...I just needed to not to be alone.”
Rocky let out a sharp noise. “Grace be nice to Grace.”
Stratt likes to think she’s destroyed all sentimentality she’s capable of. Even she would hardly begrudge him, when his only caregivers were robots and his only company were either comatose or dead.
Ryland dragged the first storage container towards the first corpse.
“Commander Yáo Li-Jie.” He began. He stood straight, trying to make himself look bigger and commanding, but only served to show he was child playing dress up. “We’ve never officially met before, but I knew you were smart and strong and brave. I hope you don’t mind that I looked through your pictures. Everyone on Earth says you were stoic and quiet, but in every one of these you’re making a funny face.”
Ryland sniffled.
“Sometimes when I got scared by the movies or had a nightmare I’d pretend you’d scare them away.” He whispered. “I hope the family you have on Earth is very proud of you.”
Rocky began to hum lowly.
The other crew members of the ship had begun to wander into the ship bridge again, but the captain remained beside her. He took off his hat and was holding it to his chest.
Ryland was gently moving the body onto what looked like a sked stretcher, but assuming it’s made of xenonite. He put Commander Yáo’s photos and what looked like a bucket hat inside. He pulled the makeshift stretcher across the threshold, let the feet rest of the edge, went back into the ship, and carefully lifted the feet until all of Yáo was inside the air lock.
“Do you think it be...disrespectful to put his bucket hat on?” Ryland asked as he sniffled, thumb brushing over the embroidery.
Rocky shook his entire body, but did not stop humming.
Ryland decided against it in the end, and commended his body to the stars with his pictures and bucket hat in his arms.
“Second-in-Command Yevgeniy Chaykovsky.” Ryland declared next. “You…nobody knows that much about you. People had a lot to say about you, but no one knew that much about you. I think you made yourself into whatever people needed you to be. Fun when people needed fun, serious and stoic in the face of panic. It’s a really cool skill. I wish you would’ve been here to teach me. In the press briefings you were always the one talking, and teaching. Wikipedia never mentioned you having family and I didn’t see anyone else in your pictures, but I hope that’s because you’re cool and mysterious instead of lonely.”
Like me, went unsaid.
He did the same for the second-in-command. Lift, air lock, commencement.
“First Engineer Olesya Ilyukhina. You were...legendary.” Ryland finally whispered. “You were always the coolest person in any room you walked into.”
He rifled through the pictures for a minute. “This picture of you sneaking into the Kremlin is incredible. I wish I could be even half as fearless as you were.”
He commended her body.
He turned to face the next body. Ryland Grace had his mother’s nose.
Rocky finally stopped his hum. “Grace. Do parent last.”
“I s-should do it order.”
“No. Earth should understand. Rocky understand.”
Ryland stared at her for a long moment. “Okay.” he relented. He sounded relieved.
“Good. Good good good.” Rocky stated before going back to his song.
Ryland continued.
“First Science Officer Martin DuBois. I read your papers probably hundreds of times. You wrote about so many cool things. Sometimes I think your papers were the only thing keeping me sane before I got to Tau Ceti.” Ryland started pulling out a book from DuBois’ storage. “Because of Rocky I’m going home. I think I wanna get a PhD, or multiple, like you! When I write my thesis I promise I’ll credit you.”
He didn’t send him off right away.
“Second Science Officer Annie Shapiro, you are a huge inspiration to me as well. You both helped me more than you’d ever know. Science isn’t some scary thing I have to know just so we can save our sun, it can be cool and fascinating and life changing.” Ryland breathed for a minute. “Maybe DNA splicing will save the world Dr. Shapiro.”
In the end Ryland was able to make the two hold hands. Rocky stopped his song to ask him why he was sending them off together.
“Apparently they liked to do gross, grown up things together.” He quickly turned to the camera. “I know what sex is, I’m a biology enthusiast and I still know stuff, but it’s gross and I don’t wanna think about it.”
Eva Stratt was forcibly reminded that she is human person, existing on earth, and not just an empty vessel watching this funeral service when someone snort-laughs behind her.
She still couldn’t tell him off. Of all the horrors their child of the Hail Mary has and will face, and human sexuality was the one he’ll refuse to acknowledge?
And finally, he turned to the final corpse.
“Second Engineer Mam-Marilyn Grace.”
He finally broke down into noisy sobs.
Ryland collapsed onto his knees and desperately curled up against her side. He reached over and pulled her arms until they were wrapped around him. For several long moments he could only wail onto her shoulder.
Rocky rolled up behind him, his humming taking on a more frantic edge.
“I hope you would’ve liked me, Mama. I hope you would’ve been proud of me.” Ryland paused to take a huge breath. “I hoped you would’ve hugged me and kissed me and be the one who taught me everything I know but-” He manipulated one of her arms again until the hand was tangled in his hair. “I saw in the wikipedia article that you wanted your dying wish to be the generation of kids after the Astrocide crisis be named in your honor.”
No one said a word. Not Ryland or Rocky, nor anyone watching these logs billions of kilometers and a decade ago away.
“Thank you for bringing me into this universe, Mama. I promise, Rocky and I will fix it. There will be the Grace Generation after all. And now I’ll get to live to see it!”
No one on the boat dared to speak after that. They silently watched Ryland extract himself from his mother’s arms, one last time, strapped her into the sled, dragged her to the airlock, and commended her to the stars too.
Finally, after all of that, he stared into the ship for one two seconds and started to sob.
Rocky frantically rolled over to his side, and Ryland didn’t waste a second wrapping his arms around the ball.
The cries were so deep Stratt was afraid he’d suffocate himself. That he’ll break his ribcage open and all the bravery this young boy had would come spilling out and he’d be left hollow.
“Mary, turn video off.” Rocky loudly said, before turning and making a soft, soothing noise at Ryland.
“Turning video off.”
The next log began.
“H-hey. Turns out I hate fishing.”
Ryland’s left eye and temple were bruised and swollen, gauze almost bled through. His eyes were red from crying. His entire left arm was wrapped in bandages.
“I’m not sure what to do.” He whispered. “I’m sorry Earth, I’m sorry Mama, but I’m so scared.”
The confession felt like claws around Eva Stratt’s neck.
“He had to breakout of his atmosphere to save me, and now he might die because of me. And I’ve done everything I can think of. I got him back in there. I got a heat lamp. I was going to try and get that soot off him but I’m too scared to make everything worse.”
Ryland brought his knees to his chest and started to cry again.
“His last message to me was ‘Save Earth Save Erid’. So I’m trying to. I found the predator -”
Ryland’s next words were cut off by the cheers of the crew. Stratt felt like she was going deaf with the joyous sobbing, hooting, and hollering around her.
There was more. She knew it. Ryland was a scientist. What he lacked in the formal training he made up for in passion, adaptability, and eagerness.
“I’m calling it Taumoeba. Until Rocky can wake up and tell me how terrible that name is. But it’s elegance to it. It’s simple and accessible. I’m writing my first scientific paper about it and everything. A-and about Rocky and the Eridians.”
A deep breath.
“I was testing it at different atmospheric conditions because it has to work, and turns out it dies whenever nitrogen is introduced. But don’t worry! I was rereading Dr. Shapiro’s paper and was thinking about DNA, and then I was thinking about evolution, which made me think of diseases that evolve to resist antibiotics!”
A strangled laugh. I used Rocky’s xenonite breeder tanks too, and now we’re so close the being able to breed the right strain to save Earth and Erid!”
The grin quickly fell off his face.
“Now Rocky just has to wake up. He has to take his portion to Erid, because I don’t know how to.”
Eva Stratt has waited decades for this moment. Why does it feel so hollow?
An amoeba that can eat astercide. The answer had just been told to her, she was going to review Ryland’s research, she was going to have the best scientists around the world recreate his results.
Why doesn’t it feel complete?
Because she believed in him. God, did she wish she didn’t have to, but she does. And he’s not celebrating yet, so the discovery that there is a solution still hasn’t hit her yet.
“Rocky is gonna be mad at me. I didn’t listen when he told me to get inside. It’s fine because I’m mad at him too. He’s not here to give me permission to sleep.” Ryland sniffled again. “He came crashing into my life and now I’m too scared and lonely and small to do this by myself anymore. And I can’t even regret meeting him.”
“Three hours has passed, Ryland Grace.”
“Thank you, Mary.”
“You’re welcome, Ryland Grace.”
“I have to check the cultures.”
And with that the video ends.
There was murmuring all around her. Likely wondering why she hasn’t reacted yet. Why she is so slow to act now when Earth’s survival was right at their fingertips.
She checked the files quickly. Two more logs, several PDFs, and what looked like Ryland’s jerry-rigged translation software.
“We will see it through until the end.” She said, firmly. It left no room for argument. She started the next log.
“Helloooo Earth!”
“Hello Erid!”
Ryland was smiling the biggest they’ve even seen him, as he rested his upper body on Rocky’s ball. The ball that had a very much alive Rocky inside. They were in the Mental Health Room with the screens showing fireworks.
Ryland was wearing his mother’s white jumpsuit, and a party hat. The bandage and swelling on his left side were gone, that side still held some nasty looking bruising. Rocky also seemed to be dressed up as the wind chime like jewelry jingled. Ryland must’ve made him that ‘Savior of the Universe’ hat.
“This message is for the success of the Project Hail Mary, and the Eridian Mission! Earth and Erid is going to live!” Ryland was saying as he slid off Rocky’s ball and picked something up. “Meet the Taumoeba 82.5! It is Astercide’s natural predator and specifically bred to live in the atmosphere of the planet we call Venus and the planet Eridians call third planet.”
Rocky seemed to be translating as Ryland spoke.
And finally, finally, Eva Stratt broke. The tears were silent as they rolled down her face, but it felt like her very soul was shrieking with how overwhelmed she was. The noose around her neck loosened, and she could breathe for the first time in decades. It was a terrible thing for this child’s suffering to be worth the Taumoeba, but she couldn’t help but feel pathetically glad he was up there after all. Maybe she was as terrible as everyone said she was.
“For the sake for friendship and future collaboration I gave Rocky one of out Earth thinking machines. It has the entirety of human knowledge on it, with all the science, entertainment, history, and just plain junk on there. This machine is how you’ll be watching this video!”
Normally she would balk at the foolish naivety of giving an alien all the tools needed to destroy them, but she was too happy to care in this moment. Maybe she will tomorrow, but in this moment she believed in Ryland Grace.
‘Hail Mary, full of grace’ was her secret good luck charm for years. A small, weak, human thing she wouldn’t admit to even under torture. She had liked Grace. The Hail Mary was better with her inside it.
And now her son was their saving grace.
Mary did you know what your baby boy will someday save our sons and daughters?
“Erid should be proud in the knowledge Rocky represented his species well. I could not have asked for a smarter, perceptive, resourceful, bossy being to save two worlds with.”
Rocky didn’t translate that. He said a few notes, repeated three times. He dipped his body for a second and Ryland immediately went to his translator device. After it was turned back on, Rocky finally spoke.
“Rocky…” He stopped. She could see what he was thinking. But the Hail Mary never had the space to wish things were different. “Grace good good good human. Deserves all good things on Earth.”
That animals instinct of being watched sent a shiver down her spine.
“Earth will love Grace.” Rocky said, and she felt him staring at her. “Will never be lonely again. Earn many degrees and everyone will want to show Grace all the things Grace never experienced. Will have many things, things that belong to Grace. Will climb tree and fall, and Grace family will be there to kiss injury better.”
She sharply pulled out her tablet and started searching for Grace’s remaining family. They had a lot to be caught up on before Ryland gets home.
He stared at Rocky for a moment, visibly deciding whether it was even worth correcting him about it usually being a thing for smaller children, before letting it go.
It made sense. He viewed having a bedtime as permission to rest, he deserved to have as much fussing as he wants.
“And now we’re going home!” Ryland announced. “And we can’t wait to see all of you!”
The video ends. Whatever Ryland’s and Rocky’s goodbye ended up being, they will never be privy to.
The last log begins
“There’s a leak.” Ryland said breathlessly. He sat on a storage bin, still wearing his duct taped EVA suit. The bags under his eyes showed his exhaustion. “The problem is the xenonite. The Taumoeba can get through it, probably because we bred it in xenonite breeder tanks. It evolved to escape it.”
Stratt felt her heart sink.
“I was able to stop the leak before it ate all the astercide on the ship.”
For a brief moment she felt relief.
“Rocky’s ship is made of xenonite. The Taumoeba will already be in his fuel lines and he won’t be able to find the leak because the leak is the ship itself. He’ll be without any fuel. Stranded. His life support systems will fail. And if that doesn’t kill him the radiation sickness will. He’s looking at a long, slow, painful death. Alone.”
And Stratt already knew what he did before he even said it. They are seeing this, so she already knew what he did. If he was coming home why would he even tell them that Rocky was in danger?
“I can’t do both. I can go home, or I can save Rocky.” Ryland took a deep, shaky breath. “I promise I wanted to see Earth. I wanted to be a human being on the planet Earth. I never met any of you, but I love you very much. I wanted to do and see and experience everything that made Mama and the crew decide it was worth dying for. What I was dying for. I wanted to say hi to the people in the pictures that Mama kept.”
Ryland had wanted to send Grace off with her photos too, but Rocky was able to convince him they were his too. His family, his inheritance.
Just images of people he’d never get to meet or see or touch.
“Rocky is my family now. I have to save him. I have to save his home. I sent detailed logs and papers with all of our findings and enough Taumoeba to start your own Taumoeba farm.”
Ryland sighed.
“Will- will you say hello to Mama’s remaining family for me? That even through I’ve never met them, I love them very much. I hope I did them proud.”
And as the world’s whipping boy she will be the one to tell them won’t she? She will have to be the one to tell a woman who had already lost her daughter that she has another grandchild, but she will never get to hold him.
“T-this is dumb, but…I included some drawings. I always wanted...I always wanted someone to hang them up on a fridge. Can someone do that, please? I know it’s silly-”
Stratt looked behind the laptop to look at the folder that had been sitting there. It was full to the brim with a child’s artwork. This child’s artwork.
Most of the pages were yellowing. There were no crayons on the Hail Mary, so they were all clumsy pictures with black and red pen marks. Some showed space. Others were the medical robot. There was one where Ryland drew his still comatose mother holding him. One of the pilot room. Most were a happier universe where they all woke up and were a happy little family. Commander Yáo punching a scary monster. Second Officer Chaykovsky reading to a Ryland sat on his lap. Ilyukhina frozen in a moment of dance, movement lines all around her. Dr. DuBois and Dr. Shapiro in front of a chalkboard and Ryland in a stereotypical American school desk. Or Dr. DuBois and Dr. Shapiro holding hands.
His mother, awake, holding him. He’s always small enough to be held in these drawings.
“I hope this all makes sense. If not, well you guys are smarter than an 11-year-old with no scientific training. You’ll figure it out.” Ryland sighed. “This is Captain Ryland Grace, son of Second Engineer Marilyn Grace, and last crew member of the Hail Mary signing off. As the Eridians say:”
He rubbed his fisted up hand over his forearm. Unthinkingly, everyone in the room does the same.
Stratt reached over to the military telephone beside her and only said, “Let’s begin.”, before hanging up. She then pulled out another phone before making more calls.
No one on the ship saw her for the rest of the day.
Submitter comment: I'd like to submit this '[s]tudy of defensive behavior of a venomous snake as a new approach to understand snakebite' not for it's topic (worth studying!) but for it's insane methodology, which... well, I'll just let the researcher speak for himself:
[Q: Why did you decide to do this experiment?
A: Snake behavior has been generally neglected as a field of research, especially in Brazil. And most studies don’t examine what factors make them want to bite. If you study malaria, you can research the parasite that causes the disease—but if you don’t study the mosquito that carries it, you will never solve the problem. Up until now, the popular wisdom was that the jararaca would only attack if you touched it or stepped on it. But that was not what we found.
Q: Why did you need to be the victim?
A: The best way to do this research is to put snakes and a human together. In this case, the human was me. We put the snakes inside a ring on the floor of our lab until they got used to it, then I stepped in wearing special protective boots. I stepped close to the snake and also lightly on top of it. I didn’t put my whole weight on my foot, so I did not hurt the snakes. I tested 116 animals and stepped 30 times on every animal, totaling 40,480 steps.]
From the recent (aptly named) interview: Researcher steps on deadly vipers 40,000 times to better predict snakebites
Spin the wheel again. That’s who’s trying to protect you.
(If you have zero idea about a name you got, spin until you see someone you recognize.)
Are you safe?
Absolutely not. I'm dead. 100% dead.
I might stay alive, but it'll be a really close thing.
I'll take some hits, for certain, but I should be okay in the end.
A few attacks might get through, but nothing concerning.
The attacker might be able to get in one lucky hit. If that.
I am the opposite of worried. I'm 100% safe.
…Look. I've tried picturing this. But I honestly don't know how to answer.
Remaining time: 11 hours 58 minutes
(I've run this poll twice before, expanding it significantly for the second run. With about a year passed since that second run, I thought it was time to add another couple hundred names to the list and have another go.)
There are multiple chapters that are set in hospitals where the characters are attempting to recover from injuries that never fully heal. I must once again stress that my experience in WWI was perfectly normal.
There is a giant horrible mudplain full of unrecoverable and perfectly preserved dead bodies that the characters have to walk through in a land where the air is poisoned gas, and on a compLETELY UNRELATED NOTE: WWI WAS TOTALLY FINE AND NORMAL!!
Emergency cleaning: Unfuck your whole house in the shortest time possible
So, your landlord/parents/home inspector/favorite movie star is dropping by, and your place is a disaster. You don’t have much time to clean it up. You’re in emergency mode. Let’s get started.
Don’t panic. Panic leads to fear, fear leads to procrastination, procrastination leads to the dark side. You can do this, but you have to stay calm.
Unlike maintenance cleaning, we’re not looking to completely unfuck one space at a time. Instead, we want to decrease the overall mess in stages, spread evenly across the whole area that we’re concerned about. If you think your home is at Level 10 filth, we want to bring the whole thing down to a Level 9, and then down from there. One really clean spot in an otherwise messy home is not going to be helpful here.
Get prepared. You’ll want to shut the computer down (or turn the modem off if you need your computer to play music). Trust me. Get your music going. Gather up trash bags, your vacuum and mop, some rags or paper towel, sponges, and other cleaning supplies. Use what you have on hand. Don’t get distracted running to the store and spending an hour browsing cleaning supplies. A multi-purpose cleaning concentrate or a jug of vinegar will be just fine.
Breaks are very important. Depending on your time constraints, work in 20/10s (20 minutes working, 10-minute break) or 45/15s. But take breaks because otherwise you’re marathoning, and marathon cleaning is no one’s friend. Keep hydrated, don’t forget to eat, and check in with yourself frequently to make sure you’re physically doing OK.
Make your bed. This will be your home base if you get overwhelmed or need somewhere clear to take a break.
Start with the garbage. Going from room to room, throw out anything that is obvious trash. Once you fill a bag, take it out. Repeat as many times as necessary.
Move on to dishes. Gather the dishes from all over your house and bring them to the kitchen. If you can, start them soaking in a sink of hot, soapy water or start loading the dishwasher. After the dishes are all in one place, spend one 20/10 getting started getting them under control.
Now it’s time for your flat surfaces. Countertops, tables, dresser tops, etc. Clear them off and wipe them down. Don’t get distracted in too much sorting and organizing. We’re in crisis mode here. There will be time to get in-depth once this is all done. The same applies to cabinets and closets. Unless you have reason to believe people will be opening closed doors, leave these alone for now.
Attack the floordrobe and shoe pile. Get your clothes either put away or in the hamper. Start a load of laundry if you need to, but keep in mind that laundry and dishes have three steps: wash, dry, and put it away, goddammit!
Get random stuff up off the floors. If something is trash-worthy, throw it away now rather than just move it around a bunch of times. Otherwise, put stuff where it belongs.
Take another 20/10 or 45/15 to catch up on more dishes, if needed.
Head into the bathroom. Pour some cleaner in the toilet bowl, fill the sink with hot water and cleaner, and either spray the tub and shower with cleaner, or fill the tub up with some hot water and add cleaner and let it soak. Put everything away that’s out and shouldn’t be, clean the mirror, counters, and toilet seat. Sweep or dry mop the floor. Wipe down the sink and tub/shower, and give the toilet bowl a scrub. Mop the floor.
Sweep and mop the kitchen floor.
Vacuum everything you can, and sweep everything you can’t.
Walk outside of your house (don’t lock yourself out, please). Walk back in and see what catches your eye first. Go and deal with that.
If you’re being inspected or your landlord is coming in for repairs, spend time on whatever area they’ll be focusing on.
Give the whole place one more once-over and pay attention to anything you’ve missed so far.
It’s an old trick, but if your place is a little funky-smelling, put a pan of water on the stove on low heat and add some citrus or cinnamon or vanilla. Don’t leave it unattended or forget about it.
Take a shower, put on something clean, and eat something.
You can do this. It’s overwhelming, yes, but it is not impossible. You just need to do it. You have a list. You have directions. You have a whole bunch of Internet strangers who have been there before and who are cheering you on. You can do this, but you need to get started.
the number of times in my past that I desperately wanted/needed someone to sit me down and tell me this stuff. I will never get back the hours and hours lost to headless-chicken mode, but it’s nice to know that in the last year I’ve learned so many coping mechanisms :D
Doot Doot @thewonderfulthingaboutfish - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
