behind the story you tell is the one you don’t.

"i'm mixing my pop culture metaphors 'cause i'm fucking upset!" van palmer from yellowjackets by tori.

[kindrewind]

van palmer from yellowjackets. written by tori. 30. they. dyke.

read this. about. verses.

[campmiasmas]

LAUREN AMBROSE as VAN PALMER YELLOWJACKETS (2021— ) Season 3, Episode 7: "Croak"

[ladyintree]

taissa winces slightly at the laughter…  not because she hasn’t missed the sound of van’s laugh so desperately,  but because she knows that laugh,  it’s not a laugh to indicate any fun and lightness between them,  but perhaps a little disbelief.  a disbelief that would be incredibly fair, taissa knows, but she still reminds herself that she has a lot of work to do if van’s ever not going to find that something to laugh about.

but she accepts their apology without questioning it, letting out a small breath of relief and nodding back to them,  a silent resonation.

her eyes narrow in on them for a moment, and tai lets out a small scoff.  “you better pick something damn good then.  better be worth it.”  but she shoots them a small smirk,  because if anything,  taissa trusts van on their movie collection.  even if they may have different tastes, and tai may not enjoy the same things van would… it’s their company and their commentary that makes it worth it, no matter what

likely, even with a movie that does end up making taissa uncomfortable for reasons she doesn’t want to digest herself.  at least van would be by her side.

her nose scrunches at the thought of actually, properly going through van’s collection, and while she might have discredited a lot of it while she was there last time, the thought of going through it now, with this context in mind, does give her a little thrill.  it’s just another chance to keep learning who van is now.

“i guess it’s my chance to see how the official van palmer organization system really works.  wonder how much i’ll be able to guess,” she flirts again, hopeful that there aren’t too many surprises,  that she really does still know van intimately in the way their brain works.  even if, realistically, if they’d been living their lives together all this time,  tai would’ve likely gotten frustrated by how much their systems of organizations may clash. but that seems to be the fun of it, too. especially now.

— a proud grin grows across her features at the victory, glad that some of these little things haven’t changed too much.  it makes taissa feel like she isn’t so far away from them, and she didn’t realize just how much she needed that.  she’s still looking forward to really understanding the things that have changed about van in these last 20 years,  but they’re not a total stranger,  and after so long of pushing away the familiar… taissa desperately needs that.

she’s a little relieved that van admits to being beat, knowing that’s progress — but also knowing that van doesn’t really want to dwell on that, clear in the way they look away. that’s fine, taissa nods, and gives them a more playful grin.  “and i’m wide away, baby,” she taunts, which actually is quite surprising, considering the last few months — but something about van on the other side of the wall really did help her relax, dream of a world where everything wasn’t so complicated.

she can’t remember the last time she believed that.

taissa squeezes the key in her hand as if it’s the most important mission in the world, nodding, then moving over to the driver’s seat to get settled.  she shoots them an apologetic look as she adjusts the seat back for their height difference,  then makes herself comfortable,  giving van a small nod and reaches a hand out to rest on van’s shoulder.  “ready?”  she asks, tone playful, but… also, she really wants to make sure van is doing okay, that they don’t need to take a beat longer before getting on the road again.

[kindrewind]

van moves into the passenger seat, unclear on when they'd last been a passenger in their own truck. raising their brows with impatient confusion at taissa's apologetic look, she's, ah, right, adjusting the driver's seat, to which they shake their head with a humorless half-grin. not because they're especially self-conscious about this, but instead, that almost everything about this trip has already felt surreal, and now taissa's taking over the wheel of van's truck, making herself comfortable in the driver's seat — and van knows they have to let her.

(and that they find her taking over very alluring.)

with a hiss, attempting to get comfortable through their tired ache, they prop the plastic bag along the windshield. resting their head back against the rest, it's a relief not to have to be hunched over the wheel. somewhere in those seconds of taking time to breathe, taissa's hand finds their shoulder, and they tense, not because they don't want her touch but because they do; tai's touch makes them feel every age they've ever been at the same time. it sends through them the memory of a comfort that they'd been rejecting for weeks.

giving her a slow look over their shoulder, van's mouth barely moves, wanting to say more than they actually will. the end of day's deepening into something more dangerous in its hope. they're bone-tired, and the tide of fatigue makes it more difficult to know where to start.

eyebrows drawing in, they blink at her, and with a breath begin to relax. a loose gesture with a single hand, "yeah. let's get moving."

— and it's strange, to feel every age at once against the frustration of taissa's mistaken impression, that first time in ohio, that van hadn't changed. they're reminded of this, with how beneath all the earlier talk of organization systems is taissa's guesswork of what has and hasn't changed about van, if much has remained the same about them, and while it's not untrue that it appears that way, it's not the full story. it's never the full story. time's changed van like it changes anyone, and those parts of them, their interests, their passions that seem steadfast once died, too, lost to the hell of those miserable, emotionally turbulent years after rescue. and van went through hell to ultimately win those passions back; to open their video store; to make some effort at re-connection to that self; all this in the wake of taissa, these struggles unseen by her and largely unknown. 'you haven't changed' dismissed all of that, whether or not she meant to.

closing their eyes, the low sun warms the backs of van's eyelids, and they clear their throat, willing themself to keep awake for this final stretch.

"alright," they claim their bag of snacks, maybe those will help. "just pull out of here, keep going straight." rummaging out the package of mini donuts they'd spotted moments ago, van chuckles to themself, recognizing this as a gesture — recognizing this as taissa recognizing them, making that effort to — and unevenly tears open the plastic. crumbs messily fall out but it gets the job done.

a tangle of hair falls around their face as they tuck in their chin, offering the first donut to taissa to share the wealth, "ladies first?"

[lumons]

VAN PALMER OF YELLOWJACKETS . . . 2x07 / 3x09

[kindrewind]

cj and i just fought for our lives on streaming platform pluto tv because it kept actively changing the movie we were watching to how to lose a guy in 10 days. but each time w/ elapsed time. as if it were playing in some other dimension

it happened 3 times. and i don't think you know how exhausting it is to play tug-of-war with m.atthew m.cconaughey. had to post this here because it happened while we were streaming, wyws, etc.

[kindrewind]

van with more severe scarring and nerve damage btw. adult van with wavy hair that's closer to an emulation of s3 teen/wilderness van btw. van still wearing muscle tees as an adult btw. van not shaving because van stopped in the wilderness and never felt the desire to do it again btw!

[taiturner]

YELLOWJACKETS, 2x07 "Burial"

[ladyintree]

she’s not really sure what to do with that — if van doesn’t want her to go there because they don’t want to hear it, or because they don’t want to revisit it at all…  it still feels important to say,  but she’s trying to respect their boundaries,  trying to understand where she fits into it all.

so taissa presses her lips together, sinks a little more into her seat, and gives a small nod.  she couldn’t count the times she’d thought of van over the years,  but she can say that it was never easy,  thinking of them… the guilt that washed over her when she did, the curiosity and sorrow that followed.  all she could do was hope that van was okay,  at least.  better, maybe.

because, yes, they were strangers by the time taissa started her rise to power — but not in every sense.  taissa is still the person known best by van;  all the parts of herself she’d tried to hide since the wilderness,  all the parts she’d wanted to bury.  but they’re still a part of her — and van still knows her, even if they don’t know her as she’s been.  it’s hard to consider van a stranger considering all that,  but van’s words,  ‘we don’t know each other anymore,’  still ring true.  they don’t, and that’s what this is all about— she needs to know who van was in taissa’s absence. 

in taissa’s lifelong journey of success,  in trying to perfect herself,  that’s something she’s always understood — we don’t just get any do-overs — and yet,  she tries anyway.  it’s what she did when they got back — told herself she could just start back from where she left off,  as if those 19 months in oblivion never happened,  like she could reclaim that time and forget everything that happened to her there.

van included. 

and now, here they are, they can’t go back, but they can’t re-do, either.  this is something new, as much as it is something nostalgic,  something taissa’s long for for years now,  despite trying to push it away.  

taissa turns her head to them,  gives them a small nod.  “another chance then, maybe,”  she says quietly,  hopeful.  

but taissa tries to relax into this banter,  regaining some comfortability and some confidence within it,  how easy it is to fall into place with van.  “okay, hey,”   she says with a playful scoff,  shooting a teasingly stern look at her.  “so,  we’re not watching any horror movies together,”  she warns, like she can’t bear it if van can tease her sitting next to her — but wouldn’t that be exactly why they could, and should?

maybe a horror movie is a little more digestible to taissa when sitting next to van and all their warmth.  maybe that’s exactly what the wilderness was — manageable because of their love, something to cling to, something to keep taissa warm.

her eyes narrow for a moment before she’s nodding her head in surrender.  “so—“  she says,  raising a brow.  “what’s at the top of that list, then, palmer?”  she taunts,  wondering how much has changed in van’s taste… and, of course, how much she actually remembers of it herself.

— taissa gives them a small, playful shimmy in place of actually answering the question,  or addressing how much money she’d dropped at a gas station, of all places,  but winning them over was certainly the goal.  “mm— pretty sure i cracked the riddle.  some sprinkled donuts for you,”  she says proudly,  then holds up the other snacks,  raising a brow,  as if looking for another win in van’s eyes that they do still like them.

her eyes narrow in at them as she waits for their acceptance.  “yes,  i drive this thing,”  she repeats,  nudging her hip against the truck,  as if to check it’s quality.  “pretty sure i can handle it,”  she says,  flashing a grin back at van now.  “the questions, too,”  she says, a bit more confidently than she actually is, because van surely has plenty of questions taissa doesn’t want to answer.  but she really does want to make this work, whatever it is, and she can’t get there if she avoids it all entirely.

van isn’t exactly giving in just yet, but taissa takes it as a win anyway.  “come on.  no one likes driving that much,”  she insists,  a subtle assurance that this isn’t tai’s attempt to coddle them just because they’re sick — she likely should’ve been helping them drive to new york in the first place when tai had asked them to bring her to the compound,  but it was a bit harder to banter then.  “besides, look at all these snacks you’ve gotta eat,”  she adds,  holding them up with another playful grin,  shoulders shimmying again. 

[kindrewind]

over twenty years ago, this was the hope that powered van through: that another chance could be waiting for tai and van outside the wilderness. with decades having passed, van's shocked by an old, worn-down urge to make sense of what taissa's just said. if her words could mean anything for them now.

taissa isn't in a place where she can just forget about the past anymore, the illusion that it could be left behind in those woods, and confronting this past isn't easy for van either, who's tried to shove it down and numb it away, but the hardest times have always felt more possible when tai's been there by their side.

they know tai feels the same, otherwise she wouldn't have traveled to them that first time. feeling the gravity of taissa's gaze on them, they draw in a shaky breath. no, taissa can't outrun the shadows of their past (none of them can), and it was van's idea to take taissa back to ohio.

for all of their emotional frustration, in the push-pull aftermath of taissa's apologies, van has to acknowledge this part of it, that she's here in their passenger seat because they want her to be — and this, alone, has wrought out a thousand emotions in them. so after taissa mentions another chance, van laughs, a raw and disbelieving sound. she didn't say anything funny. it's that van wants to ask, mostly as a reflection of themself, what else could driving back ten fucking hours the way they came look like?

attempting to explain themself, they fall short, because they're not emotionally there yet. "sorry. i didn't mean to, um, thanks. for saying that." their smile's unsure, folding into frown, because it's complicated to digest taissa's apologies when they're hearing them twenty years later, when the circumstances around the decisions they made after rescue weren't uncomplicated, and when van doesn't like being made out to feel like they're somebody to feel sorry for — especially not by taissa — their life hasn't been all fucking misery, but losing her as a lifeline was, and these acknowledgements of how their relationship ended do treat their deep hurt with a sting that isn't without soothing.

tai and van can't go back and change any of this, or its outcomes, but they have this time together. they're driving back, this time, into the life van's made for themself, and van is struggling with some of the sincerity around this. they do feel it strongly, and too much feeling will make them feel ripped open, and whenever van's felt split open it's into tai's arms they've collapsed. this is the same tai who refused to leave their side when they begged to be left for dead.

this is the same tai who's beside them now, "really."

firing a tease back, "okay. backing up, i never said we had to rule out horror completely." although it feels that they've been staring it in the face the past few weeks. a break from it wouldn't be the worst thing. but movies don't play out the way life does. thank god. they're easier to make sense of. get meaning out of. movies offer stories van can tell. those are stories they can hit pause, stop, or play, whenever they so choose.

"besides, ruling out horror would snub what that part of my collection has to offer." a prideful remark, and the return of a grin. van's absolutely showing off, and taissa knows their flirting style to catch that. she asks for van's movie recommendations, and they slide their hands down the wheel as if their palms are thinking for them. "oh, i come with suggestions. but," and here's what van can offer in this moment, to comfortably express their wanting to be with her: "take my word for it, tai, you'll want the full browsing and selecting experience. that's the entire point of a video store."

it's a playful suggestion, coming from van's need to get back to their life and embrace her in the joys that they've achieved in their store. plus, they're curious to see which movies would attract taissa's attention.

their past together lives under the surface of this suggestion, too, as van dragged taissa into video stores in their teenage years waaaay more than once,

and before the crash. it's to revisit the tangibility of another kind of memory.

— there are countless memories that taissa's kept about van, including their favorite snacks which have, for the most part, remained substantially unchanged, which can't be said for everything about van palmer. "score," van laughs, heartfelt, a big win for them both. a win across the board as van peers into the variously assorted snacks. their blush begins to cool only when taissa makes moves to 'assess' the truck, and now that van's taking a break from driving, slouched against it, they're not sure if they have it in them to refocus behind the wheel.

touching their eyes, they sigh. "i am feeling pretty beat." they admit this much, but it's low, quiet, and they look anywhere but at taissa.

unhooking the engine key, it's dangled, dropped into her palm. "k, so, we're under thirty miles out. straight shot." they don't actually doubt taissa's capabilities, and, well, the imagined visual of her behind their wheel is pretty fucking hot.

"show me what you're made of." they reach out to playfully snatch the bag of snacks, like it's gotta feel like a swap.

[kindrewind]

"that's medication for me to mind my own business you should take two" <3

[kindrewind]

thinking about this line again but mostly as a run-off from thinking about another van joke/line: "that way when i flatline everyone'll know they can go to lunch"

it tells you almost everything you need to know about the multifaceted way van employs humor in the adult arc. it's dark and witty, but it's a projection of van's deepest wounds. it's what i tend to call "jokes that make van feel worse" in that it's absolutely coming from how they've long felt they're going to be left/abandoned BUT it's not Only self-deprecating and it's not at all unproductive because this IS the way van is able to articulate themself on that pain. it's a way of comfortably expressing that. so it's hard to see it in just one way even if i think we should ask ourselves how often van's humor is actually helping them (it does frequently; other times i think it risks digging them deeper) but as i was rambling about this morning, it's the LAYERS to van's humor that are endlessly compelling to me. there's a lot going on in it. and in how they use it. and this is just the adult arc because it changes/evolves over the 25 years we know van. ahhh!!

[kindrewind]

l.iv h.ewson playing pool in a braid btw

[homunculus-argument]

thoughts?

No thanks, I'm trying to quit.

[lifeforms]

@kindrewind said: i can find somewhere else to stay.

her composure slips, just for a second: her eyes widen, her brow furrows. she shouldn't be surprised ⸺ it's a line she'd delivered often enough, by the time she was van's age, always ready to pack at a moment's notice. then again, she'd never been half as casual: lana's likely never been that casual about anything.

"if you want to go," she says carefully, weighing each word, "and there's nothing i can do to make you more comfortable, i can help you find somewhere else." putting those sorts of plans in motion is part of her job, after all: it's far from an empty offer. "but i'd love it if you stuck around. we both would. it's ⸺ probably her fault i keep bringing people home, to begin with."

[kindrewind]

this is the work lana does, van tells themself. she can't help helping.

they can't feel that her efforts are too much about them. if van feels that they're being seen into, their skin will itch and flame up from the inside, and they'll say even less.

staring down at their sneakers, box-new, they almost hurt to look at. they feel dishonest, not everything can just be remade as new. humming, it's an unsure but receptive sound, because lana hasn't pushed. lana's never pretended to be some 'replacement' figure, either, that van's never actually known. and when lana says, her, the working nerves in van's face turn up into a half-smile. their stomach starts to settle.

"you do this a lot."

[kindrewind]

re. the set photos from yesterday of liv filming as teen/post-resc van wearing the outfit adult van died in, if not a conspicuously similar one. am predictably losing my mind. because if true. what do you mean "you practically live in the past. half your wardrobe is sleater-kinney tour tee shirts (AND THE DENIM YOU WORE AFTER SURVIVING YET WILL DIE IN)"

now. a lesbian does not own just 1 denim shirt. it is to laugh. however it does unavoidably make me think about how liv retroactively wore chains and rings during the plane scene as a send-off gesture to the collaborative work with lauren <3 (which makes me go :( :') </3 in the event that this is something liv just has on bts)

[taiturner]

Lauren Ambrose as VAN PALMER YELLOWJACKETS ◆ 2x04 "Old Wounds"

[kindrewind]

@lifeforms: it never occurred to me that i could have asked for help.

"this is feelin' like a conversation we've had before," back when lana opened her home, and it suffocated van at first. now lana's in van's home, and they know what she already knows: "and anyway you're off-the-clock."

[kindrewind]

watching i saw the tv glow with @ladyintree like, psst. that's van's wagoneer. do you see van's wagoneer.

[kindrewind]

while you were streaming/van's video store thoughts but angled toward the premise of this post, being:

something i think about regarding van's personality/disposition is how, on one hand, in the adult arc we're seeing a more jaded and closed-off van which makes perfect sense and i could not possibly reduce all the reasons for that character development into 1 paragraph when they span multiple timelines (the wilderness + postresc)

but, on the other, i want to point out that we didn't actually see all possible sides of van's personality in the adult arc -- only in glimpses -- because van's been displaced: we see van in oberlin/the video store only briefly. van gets removed from a significant setting which is the life they've built for themself. (this is a big part of @ladyintree and i's adult arc thread which makes me go ! <3 ! <3) in the store, we see van with considerably more excitement and zest, all ALONGSIDE their characteristic sardonicism/wry wit which i appreciate just as much. <3 i want all of that packaged vannishly, thanks. van was a local butch icon in a gay college town. the show doesn't give attention to van's store again after that brief introduction to it (which is frustrating we don't even get a mere mention; maybe we will in s4 but at this point that just makes me feel Nervous) but i do wonder which other sides of van we'd have been treated to if we saw them within that context that we exclusively, from that point forward, see them removed from

there's playfulness. that Entertainer. that still exists in van which we see moments of throughout s2-3 adult arc (e.g., van's thrill for transgression in the dine-and-dash scene; PUTTING ON A FAKE BRITISH ACCENT?). re. the store specifically - i love recognizing that van didn't lose their enthusiasms completely, and every time i think about all of this it brings me back to an a.ndrea g.ibson line which aligns with my approach to van: "a difficult life is not less worth living than a gentle one" <3 i want to look at the gritty, i think characters who've gone through hardship are deserving of being given that raw & honest attention and recognition, but i also want to look at van's joys

it's like, for sure, there are elements of escapism involved in van's love of movies and stories. i think that is a super important factor to consider. but it's not all there is to it. van also Loves movies. always has. and van got to share movies with the lgbtq+ youth at the end of their life!