if i win just once i'd be alright

he/him. zapruder blog. i like the guy in the cover band.

[kingofallgirls]

hi im max kingofallgirls

nirvanna the band the blog. thats what i post. sometimes some other things. it's 18+ here. i'm 26 and australian and gay and gender

owlthing00 on ao3. read The Bird Watcher. if you want

asks and inbox open just be nice to me thank you :)

[kingofallgirls]

that one post i made ages ago about how matt is asexual and doesn't even know and jay is a pervert is going around again ofc I stand by it but I have contradictory mattjay playgrounds in my head and I also really love matt being repressed perverted and disgusting. thats not even mutually exclusive but i like them being so weird in different ways. and i worded it as if im a bit more married to that idea

[whenimmeimme]

Pop Looks Bach (Jay's Version) Sheet Music (Movie Spoilers?)

Transcription done in MuseScore, recording done via Audacity on the electric piano keyboard

I got impatient with the fermatas sorry

Visit Original Link

[kingofallgirls]

do u have thoughts on the dirties and DP/DR? something I have been rotating in my brain lately but don't know how to articulate my thoughts...

aaaa many thoughts. many. i've thought about this a lot actually, i love an excuse to talk

there's two ways to really think about it, and one is to address dpdr as a thing I think matt deals with and the second is the overall essence of the film as something with reality questioning and doubt baked in. i'll start there. this could get rambly sorry idk if i collected these thoughts too well lol. and night in the woods spoilers i guess, for an aside.

I think the unreality themes of The Dirties are one of the main draws for me. The blend of reality and fiction, that's so Zapruder, is utilized in The Dirties in a way that's particularly thematically empowering. It's my favourite work of theirs in terms of the format. Like, we don't know what's real and what isn't, neither does Owen, neither does Matt. But we're all talking past each other. What "real" even means is different. Its the crux of the misunderstanding between Matt and Owen. They're operating in different realities. Different movie genres, even. Owen is in this romantic, goofy coming of age, and Matt leaves that behind for a gritty action thriller. To their perceptions, anyway. Nothing that climatic and extravagant actually happens. It's all kind of mundane. But the sense it isn't to them, especially Matt of course, is like, so all encompassing and you get drawn in. You think there will be a big horrific shooting. But it's boring, really. Like. He shoots some kids and they just fall down, there's screaming. And Owen is freaked out. And its so terrible and blunt. It isn't cinematic. Captured by a cameraman whose existence doesn't really make logical sense.

There's three perspectives, and we are locked in on Jared's but we see how differently Matt and Owen think. All the while questioning our own perception because: how did this movie get made? What's really happening and what isn't? Owen asks these same questions of Matt. His assumption that Matt is an "actor" is why he doesn't take his idea seriously. He just thinks Matt is playing pretend and he's disturbed and annoyed but doesn't believe Matt to be capable of what he repeatedly, explicitly says he intends to do. That isn't "unreality" in of itself but I really love the interplay between Matt being in his movie fantasy world, and Owen in his fantasy world where every signal of Matt's intentions just isn't happening. He doesn't view Matt as someone capable of sincerity. And it's ironic because Matt is extraordinarily sincere. There's just a very real barrier between them.

On Matt, I find him really interesting to dissect. Because he is kind of clearly dissociated and states feelings of de-personalization ("You see something happen to you on camera, it's like it's not even happening to you. It's like its happening to a different person. It's crazy.") But when prompted, he really asserts that he is real. He's being real, and this is all real. The thing that messes me up is that he also says, "This is a movie! Trust me!" Being "real" and being in a movie are one in the same. In the context of the scene, real = truthful and not deceitful, but "real" is such a pointed word. Again, we the audience are constantly asking what's real, and by extent, if Matt is real. I think Matt is being earnestly himself in every way he knows. I don't think he's lying. But I don't know if he feels as if life is any different than being in a film, or watching one. I don't believe Matt is delusional (not dismissing that reading, I don't have the life experience to draw from here so I'll leave that for people who do/are more educated), I don't think he's under the impression he is literally a movie star or literally a fictional character (which is the fun part, because he is) but nothing Feels any different than watching a movie, and other people don't Feel realer than characters. Owen is his Best Friend, and Chrissy is the girl Owen has to win over with some elaborate gesture, and Bullies are Bad Guys. I don't think Matt enjoys violence, or lying, in the traditional sense we might think of it. Like, he isn't a psychopath (not opening the can of worms of that term anyway lol), I think he is disaffected by intense DPDR. "Actually killing" the Dirties isn't even that big of a deal because it isn't like they are "people". The depth isn't there. And you know, they're bad and deserve it or whatever

A fictional comparison the shooting reminds me of is Mae NITW and her experience of hospitalizing a kid because her de-realization intensified to the point it didn't even feel like she was harming a person, or that it was even happening in a meaningful way. She compares it to a video game, and she's in a video game. Matt is in a movie. I've always enjoyed that parallel because I really think that's it. This inability to connect to the real world and numbness and anger being directed somewhere. Just with Matt, it isn't this spur of the moment thing. He's able to really think about it and plan it. He is aware it is wrong to do. But I think his detachment has him make very wrong assumptions about how people will react to him killing "only the bad guys". At least, he assumes Owen is like him more than he really is. Its this very young person with a mental illness thing where you just mostly assume other people feel this way to some degree. Especially your peers. It's your normal. Even when you know somethings wrong, you don't know what. You need to be able to compare notes with people to figure some of that out. Matt doesn't really have anyone to do that with.

Matt trying to pathologize himself with that book, and asking his mother her opinion, shows he is for sure aware of something but the answers he's given are terrible. The Columbine book is terrible. His mother brings up reality testing, and he has a reaction. Because while when you have DPDR, you pass reality testing (as in, not suffering from a delusion), you also really don't feel like you do sometimes lol. It's extremely confusing and disorientating. It just really hurts seeing him try to find some assurance or something. He can't even explain or admit he feels crazy, but he does.

i dunno i dunno i could ramble for awhile but like, yeah, the little fiction obsessed dweeb doesn't feel like anythings real because everything feels like a movie but also movies are the most real thing ever so thats wacky for him. hes isolated and abused and no one understands him or his jokes or how he sees the world or how he feels or what he doesn't feel and his identity is a mess and he just wants to play games and watch movies man hes just a kid. i hate this movie

[kingofallgirls]

maybe one day someone will listen to woe.begone because of my strange, vague posting about it and that's not my fault

[milkyor]

Drew @mattys-marbles tulpis AU because they are so dear to me dont get me started!!! 😞

[vafrosaon]

and the embers never fade in your city by the lake

[kingofallgirls]

whenever i think of matt and dom i think of this scene in synecdoche, new york lol

[kingofallgirls]

do u have thoughts on the dirties and DP/DR? something I have been rotating in my brain lately but don't know how to articulate my thoughts...

aaaa many thoughts. many. i've thought about this a lot actually, i love an excuse to talk

there's two ways to really think about it, and one is to address dpdr as a thing I think matt deals with and the second is the overall essence of the film as something with reality questioning and doubt baked in. i'll start there. this could get rambly sorry idk if i collected these thoughts too well lol. and night in the woods spoilers i guess, for an aside.

I think the unreality themes of The Dirties are one of the main draws for me. The blend of reality and fiction, that's so Zapruder, is utilized in The Dirties in a way that's particularly thematically empowering. It's my favourite work of theirs in terms of the format. Like, we don't know what's real and what isn't, neither does Owen, neither does Matt. But we're all talking past each other. What "real" even means is different. Its the crux of the misunderstanding between Matt and Owen. They're operating in different realities. Different movie genres, even. Owen is in this romantic, goofy coming of age, and Matt leaves that behind for a gritty action thriller. To their perceptions, anyway. Nothing that climatic and extravagant actually happens. It's all kind of mundane. But the sense it isn't to them, especially Matt of course, is like, so all encompassing and you get drawn in. You think there will be a big horrific shooting. But it's boring, really. Like. He shoots some kids and they just fall down, there's screaming. And Owen is freaked out. And its so terrible and blunt. It isn't cinematic. Captured by a cameraman whose existence doesn't really make logical sense.

There's three perspectives, and we are locked in on Jared's but we see how differently Matt and Owen think. All the while questioning our own perception because: how did this movie get made? What's really happening and what isn't? Owen asks these same questions of Matt. His assumption that Matt is an "actor" is why he doesn't take his idea seriously. He just thinks Matt is playing pretend and he's disturbed and annoyed but doesn't believe Matt to be capable of what he repeatedly, explicitly says he intends to do. That isn't "unreality" in of itself but I really love the interplay between Matt being in his movie fantasy world, and Owen in his fantasy world where every signal of Matt's intentions just isn't happening. He doesn't view Matt as someone capable of sincerity. And it's ironic because Matt is extraordinarily sincere. There's just a very real barrier between them.

On Matt, I find him really interesting to dissect. Because he is kind of clearly dissociated and states feelings of de-personalization ("You see something happen to you on camera, it's like it's not even happening to you. It's like its happening to a different person. It's crazy.") But when prompted, he really asserts that he is real. He's being real, and this is all real. The thing that messes me up is that he also says, "This is a movie! Trust me!" Being "real" and being in a movie are one in the same. In the context of the scene, real = truthful and not deceitful, but "real" is such a pointed word. Again, we the audience are constantly asking what's real, and by extent, if Matt is real. I think Matt is being earnestly himself in every way he knows. I don't think he's lying. But I don't know if he feels as if life is any different than being in a film, or watching one. I don't believe Matt is delusional (not dismissing that reading, I don't have the life experience to draw from here so I'll leave that for people who do/are more educated), I don't think he's under the impression he is literally a movie star or literally a fictional character (which is the fun part, because he is) but nothing Feels any different than watching a movie, and other people don't Feel realer than characters. Owen is his Best Friend, and Chrissy is the girl Owen has to win over with some elaborate gesture, and Bullies are Bad Guys. I don't think Matt enjoys violence, or lying, in the traditional sense we might think of it. Like, he isn't a psychopath (not opening the can of worms of that term anyway lol), I think he is disaffected by intense DPDR. "Actually killing" the Dirties isn't even that big of a deal because it isn't like they are "people". The depth isn't there. And you know, they're bad and deserve it or whatever

A fictional comparison the shooting reminds me of is Mae NITW and her experience of hospitalizing a kid because her de-realization intensified to the point it didn't even feel like she was harming a person, or that it was even happening in a meaningful way. She compares it to a video game, and she's in a video game. Matt is in a movie. I've always enjoyed that parallel because I really think that's it. This inability to connect to the real world and numbness and anger being directed somewhere. Just with Matt, it isn't this spur of the moment thing. He's able to really think about it and plan it. He is aware it is wrong to do. But I think his detachment has him make very wrong assumptions about how people will react to him killing "only the bad guys". At least, he assumes Owen is like him more than he really is. Its this very young person with a mental illness thing where you just mostly assume other people feel this way to some degree. Especially your peers. It's your normal. Even when you know somethings wrong, you don't know what. You need to be able to compare notes with people to figure some of that out. Matt doesn't really have anyone to do that with.

Matt trying to pathologize himself with that book, and asking his mother her opinion, shows he is for sure aware of something but the answers he's given are terrible. The Columbine book is terrible. His mother brings up reality testing, and he has a reaction. Because while when you have DPDR, you pass reality testing (as in, not suffering from a delusion), you also really don't feel like you do sometimes lol. It's extremely confusing and disorientating. It just really hurts seeing him try to find some assurance or something. He can't even explain or admit he feels crazy, but he does.

i dunno i dunno i could ramble for awhile but like, yeah, the little fiction obsessed dweeb doesn't feel like anythings real because everything feels like a movie but also movies are the most real thing ever so thats wacky for him. hes isolated and abused and no one understands him or his jokes or how he sees the world or how he feels or what he doesn't feel and his identity is a mess and he just wants to play games and watch movies man hes just a kid. i hate this movie

[kingofallgirls]

(can't blog about positive occurance in my life but want to brag anyway voice) something good happened to me

[hexedax]

[itsmozzazzella]

Visit Original Link

[madagascar2]

gagas and googoos

[kingofallgirls]

Thinking about how suicide haunts Matt's work in so many ways, one of the glaring ones being that it's called Nirvana The Band. Like the name being Nirvana is obviously funny but it's still a pointed choice. Matt dressing all Cobain for Battle of the Bands is actually quite crazy. His death was a huge cultural moment for the time in which these characters are stagnated. And like, them kind of being ignorant of that but also invoking it? That's what its all about.

You have the layers of like, suicidal characters. Webseries Matt's suicide baiting, Dirties Matt's apathy towards his own life (and potential suicide by cop you can speculate on), Owen in Operation Avalanche being murdered but framed as if he killed himself, NTBTSTM Matt actually killing himself, Anthony Bourdain.

Then there's like the "spiritual suicide". Mike and Jay choosing ambition over their friends, sacrificing aspects of their own identity. Dirties Matt's detachment from reality and his pursuit of status, symbology and revenge. Opav Matt's prioritisation of his film over the safety of his friend.

The meta layer where I hesitate to speculate too much beyond public information, but, Matt is reckless with his life lol. He has had to be monitored so he does not kill himself doing stunts. He makes suicide jokes and jokes about his apathy towards his own safety. At least, he has in the past.

And then there's just the haunting spectre of it all. A noose in a living room. A fear of electricity. Doing bits on the side of a cliff. Walking along train tracks you once wanted to jump in front of. Bourdain's ending being what looms over the story of his beginning. Nirvana.

There is a passive suicidality to the stories themselves that is difficult to ignore.

[inkfleck]

its ok matt. i too would hang myself if i saw my best friend replace me within a couple of hours.

[bogdreamz]

how’s that gonna work

[bogdreamz]

Part Two, melodramatic monkey business

[chazchaschad]

Happy birdthday