I'm the Kink Assigner, kind of a Kink Designer.

Want to know what your potentially obscure kinks are? Send me an ask. You have to be off anon if you want kinks, otherwise how can I make sure they were meant for you?

[kinkassigner]

Oh masterful kink assigner, I request your help in knowing myself as my therapist says it can aid in avoiding many a future problem. Will you come to my aid? ✨

Many issues are avoided when you can know the kinks within, let us see what yours have in store for you and hope they will aid you on your journey. The soft filter of early morning light through old school blinds, turning an everyday room into a forest floor glistening in the light breaking from the trees. A sexy outfit made of tiny mossy pebbles tied together with thine twine made from invasive plant life. The crunch sound of dried herbs. On top of hand-knit blankets. Metal, crumbling, returning to the earth from whence it came. The combined sounds of pages turning and rain on glass, the distant thunder echoing sends a chill that reverberates throughout your body. Food that has been made ornate in some way, though this does not affect it's flavor nor its cost, it merely is that way, and that just does it for you.

[kinkassigner]

Honorable Kink Assigner. I am humbled and joyed see you once more. Times have changed so much-- are you well? Do you eat and sleep enough? Do you eat and sleep at all? Here, I've brought snacks-- might I share them with you, and might I trouble you for a fresh prognosis of my kinks? I have grown in my journey and I hope to start fresh on the next leg of it armed with new kinky knowledge. Thank you for your service.

Oh sweet dear traveler, it is so kind of you to ask about me. The times certainly have changed, but I am well. You've asked a curious question, I do not eat and sleep in the same way as you folk, but I can partake in these snacks. It would be shameful not to accept such a kind hearted offer, and I as your host would never. As a thank you, let us dive right into your kink forecast so you can take on the next part of your journey prepared and in tune with your innermost self. Long and elegant opera gloves, made of moss and sprouting flowers that signal your levels of interest and desire for most anything and everything. Playing a sensual musical playlist made up entirely of the mating calls of machines. You know that trend where people ingested cinnamon in dangerous ways, well that concept, with any spice, specifically occurring on an enemy of yours on a scale of moral judgement where they are not solely your enemy but an enemy to the all in a larger sense. The concept of them experiencing a spice induced torment of their own accord is the kink. Contemplating what trees really are. Dancing in the moonlight with your dearest mortal companions, enjoying the fleeting nature of life, contemplating the shimmering light of the moon and the soft and chilled breeze of the wind. Also a human skeleton piloted by a writhing mass of earth worms is there, goes by the name Human Greg, and he really knows how to turn up the heat at a party. His beautiful and jagged moves as you dance the night away, all these things coming together, that is the true kink. Discovering objects that contain hidden knives. Sexy Wizards, but you have redefined sexy wizard to mean the longer the hat of the wizard, the sexier they are to you, and should you ever see them take it off, they will never appeal to you again. Thank you for stopping by. Don't be afraid to visit again, and thank you sweet traveler, for the snacks.

[kinkassigner]

Oh great and humble kink assigner, I stand before thee to claim my kinks that have been hidden for so long. I have sensed a gaping hole in my life, it must be filled by kinks!

The veil over our innermost kinks is truly a darkness that plagues all living creatures of this world. Together hand in hand we shall pierce through that veil and bring some of the kinks within out into the open, and surely fill any holes in your life you need. On a raised platform in a burning field, the sea of fire softly illuminating you in a tender night of passion, onlookers unable to see between the blaze and the smoke. But you? You dearest traveler see beauty and love and a sunset glow in your passions. Saving how to's for recipes and DIY projects, forgetting about them for at lease 8-14 months, remembering that you saved them, that moment of remembrance that is what it is all about regardless of if you ever do or don't.

Getting your invitation to attend the Evil Witch School Summer Session. The specific energy of the twitter post, "I dated a 5'8 guy who'd taunt every jacked, 6'3 bro he met until they'd pull their fist back to beat him up, whereupon my ex would go "heyheyheyyy c'maahn I'm a little guy, I'm just a little guyy, noo, it's also my birthday, I'm a little birthday boyy" & it somehow always worked" The echo of your foot steps in a long abandoned location. Abandoning society to start a small village on an island, but all of the comforts of life you need are available to you. Drawing horrible and menacing doodles on professional documents.

[kinkassigner]

Hit me with your best shot!

Well then, since we love a good trilogy I suppose I have no choice but to fire away, with this Kink Forecast.  While wearing a glittery spandex leotard, glitter shimmering and dancing like stars. You will become the glistening night sky in your beloved’s eyes, and grant wishes to believers.   Drinking “Forbidden liquids”. Rain puddles, paint water, soapy run off, and more. The more horrible and wrong it sounds, the more excited you feel.  Combining the horror of being known with the comfort of being loved. When materials are shaped like another object that has function, but the nature of the material prevents that function from ever being realized despite its perfect shape and likeness.  Butts but specifically the way they appear in paintings dating from the years 1346-1682.  A woman who raise you gently above her head with only two fingers from her hand.  Clothing made out of aluminum foil, bonus points for if its lingerie. Your lover approaches you after a long day. They wear 70s bell bottom jeans and a fully fastened denim jacket. Slowly, while asking you emotionally relevant questions about how your day was, things that make you feel heard and understood, your lover covertly unbuttons this slate of denim. When you finally notice is when they pull back their denim jacket to reveal an intricate shibari like tapestry of aluminum foil in place of any kind of actual clothing articles, you go wild. 

[kinkassigner]

Good Keeper of Kinks: The journey thus far has been difficult, yet I pray your Word will assist me in my coming days. As such, I humbly request access to your Truths. As is custom, I send my appreciation via carrier pigeon. He will arrive upon the eve of the fourty-fifth night.

I do love a good visitor, thank you for the appreciation through an appropriate channel. It’s so hard for people to follow protocol these days, now let us dive in.Receiving two equally horrible choices in matters of opinion, on things you have never considered, and wish you hadn’t

Going into the homes of people with wallpaper, peeling back said wallpaper, placing watercolor pictures of animals, then finally, putting the wallpaper back into place. Applying glitter to forbidden and cursed relics, they deserve to feel beautiful too. While wearing a mask, any mask, the only requirement is its easy to pull back, so while in intimacy you can pull back your mask quickly so your lover can gasp at the reveal.Photoshopping pictures of frogs so they have little hats on them

Challenging people to fights and once they're ready dumping a large bin of specially trained combatant spiders on them. Training the spiders and watching them go is the kink. 

[kinkassigner]

O wise assigner of kinks, what may mine be?

Welcome. Here is the latest addition to your kink list. Please enjoy your new Kink Forecast and may it blend nicely with those of the past. 

This. Can openers make when being used.Stacks of bricks stuck together with a strong agent but looks structurally unsound.Metals that melt at room temperature and can be molded in your hands.Affection, given without restraint, no matter the circumstances. Ominous yet gentle whispers. Your fingers wrapping around something old, yet fresh, like the soft earth, a bone, freshly peeled bark from a tall tree. Just about anything that could fit into that juxtaposition. Suspended above a heating forge, the longer you spend there the greater the temperature rises. In this room, in this place, testing the pinnacles of what you can withstand. 

[kinkassigner]

O great one, I lie awake at night wondering who I am, for I cannot say with certainty what my kink is. Could you possibly help bring some peace of mind to my weary pysche? Thank you for your service, we would not function as a society without it.

Rest is important for the young and kinky especially. I will remedy these worries keeping you up, for you you know the value kinks provide to this world. Let’s reveal to the world just who you are with this Kink Forecast. A slightly off key rendition of Careless Whisper played on a harmonica and a kazoo. Beautiful embroidery, but only if its an image of a boot. Ripping out the circuitry of small technology. Inside an empty, warmly lit Denny’s. They have an expresso machine. It is running and spilling onto the floor in the distance. Filing false reports and creating mysterious hoax sightings of Big Foot in incorrect locations so no one can interfere. Hats with text on them but you cant read them because both the text and the hat are made of the same reflective material and all you would get is glare when trying to read them. But you do not try to read it no, for this is about watching people’s faces contort as they try and fail to read your hat. Holding a Jar of tiny moths next to your ear.  Completing the tasks they have assigned you. The flutter of their wings is morse code.

[kinkassigner]

Darling kinkassigner, may I have a kink?

Of Course Dear. I have some waiting, especially for you. Wearing an Alien mask on the back of your head. Those finger extenders that allow you to have the long terrifying fingers you’ve always fantasized about. Beams of colored light, through them you can see a spectral mist that isn’t visible outside of the narrow streaks the light touches. Running your hands through those lights and seeing how the mist spins and twirls is what does it for you.Statues that have succumbed to decay and are no longer detailed. Uneven and spotty from the decay of time. The destruction of morning dew as you walk across it. While underneath a flickering street lamp. Burying anatomically correct models of different sizes of human skeletons in the woods, sealing them in the walls of in construction houses. 

[kinkassigner]

I wish to know my secret kink

You wish to know? Well then. You’ve come to the right place. It looks like you may have a couple? Let’s see what today has for you to unfold. First, a little warm up, the grinding of gears and stones. The terrible sound of an object straining in ways it shouldn’t. Rearranging the fruit and vegetables into mixed categories and incorrect locations at supermarkets. Holding those intricate old timey scissors from eras past. The more you can comfortably hold in your hands at once, the greater the pleasure.The action of pulling back a hood to reveal your shrouded face.Wandering, deep, deep into the jungle. Losing track of time, your senses. Continuing endlessly deep, far past any civilization. Wandering and wandering until your shoes begin to split, your clothes fray and tear. Until you can no longer remember when your supplies ran out, but still you must go deeper. When you finally meet those requirements you seek out a great waterfall, with a large pointed stone ripping the falls in two between 10-20 feet above the surface of the water below. On this stone, you will take a finely crafted, beautiful sword, and shatter it. Strike it until its broken into pieces. You leave whatever is attached to the hilt to sink, you reclaim the longest piece in tact after that to take home. This moment? Holding that piece in your hands after diving in and recovering it? That’s the Kink. The pinnacle of all your forbidden desires. 

[kinkassigner]

Can i have some kinks please?

Of course, all are welcome to receive my bounty. Let’s see what we have in store for you today now shall we?The smell of woodsmoke, ash strewn across your clothes. Looking into someones eyes of someone beautiful through a silver hand mirror, seeing their smile through the mirror when they notice your gaze. Having blue paint underneath your fingernails. The feeling of wet hair between your fingers. The feeling of longing for touch, tenderness, the fantasy of it after being deprived somehow more satisfying than the thing itself the longer you remain without it. Having large rings upon your fingers, such that they interfere with your life and functionality.  Standing along a shoreline, the feeling of the waves lapping against your legs. The moment the touch of the waves leaves you? That’s the kink. 

[kinkassigner]

May I have a kink please

You may have more than that, today I have three for you. Only three today. If you come back in exactly three months who knows how many more you could obtain? Intricate bondage but exclusively done with lassos. The sounds made as you walk through sinking, wet, mud. Followed by walking across the outside walls and roofs of strangers, covering the homestead in your muddy, slimy, footprints. While wearing large and intricately decorated cowboy hats, oversized and elaborate ponchos. Some patterned, some in the shape of other entities, and nothing else.

[kinkassigner]

O Great Assigner of Kinks, what kinks can I claim mine own?

There are many you can claim, enough to fill the cavities of the sea. So for today let us name a few, and see what you can do with them. Something hot and wet against your skin. The flickering wisps of the shadows you can see from time to time out of the corner of your eye. Objects that are shaped incorrectly for their normal function, but still work anyways. Outside during meteor showers, the falling streaks of light framing your lover above you as you look up at the sky. Something grueling and painful, but you can’t resist the urge to continue. Sometimes, when you stand with no one else around and your hand feels like someones fingers are lightly making their way across your palm. That feeling? That phantom touch when you’re all alone? That’s the stuff. Expertly tracking down your foes as well as the foes of your lover. Staking them out and learning their movements. Spending the following week throwing finely crafted leather shoes at them. None of them will ever match. None of them will be the shoe size of your enemies. In a zero gravity chamber. Moonlight meditation but all of your deep breathing is done through the Harmonica in your mouth. 

[kinkassigner]

Hey man ive walked this earth for Millenia and i still do not have the knowledge of my own kinks, could you enlighten me?

It is hard to find what is closest to you, but that’s what I am here for, to guide you and reveal what lies beneath the surface. Let’s see what we can reveal. Surrounded by jars of different kinds of dirt. On a bed made of stolen mausoleum pieces. Maybe its a door. Maybe its the covers. Perhaps the stained glass? All of them? Yes. Any of those. Walking miles and miles until you can’t anymore. The pinnacle of exhaustion, the relief when your feet no longer hold you up. That is an exquisite ecstasy. In a room of colored candles and 5 fog machines running. It’s hard to breath. It’s hard to see with only the soft hazel glow of your candles. Warm and a little sticky, these factors only enhance. The more uncomfortable this room gets, the kinkier it is.While wearing a long, wilting, pointed hat, made of rotting tree bark and vines. Bound together tightly and giving of an almost leathery appearance to it. Feeling the texture of different types of stones and gems, writing detailed notes on these. Comparing the differences between the same kind of stone from different locations. Then, writing romantic poetry about this. Putting large bundles of dried herbs into your mouth and chewing them. 

[kinkassigner]

Oh great kink assigner, what do you believe my kinks to be?

It is not just belief here my friend, once assigned. They are. As they were always meant to be. The horrible cackling laughter of the most desolate and vile swamp hag. A 6 by 6 Box that goes 4 feet below the ground and raises 3 feet above the surface. It is entirely filled with black sand. No one. Touches. The Sand. Walking, dragging a ornamental musket with you wherever you go. Banging coffee pots against the bars of a cage, from the outside, while something lies within it. Scheduling intimacy through blood packs. While wearing a plague doctors outfit. Ripping pillows and being to pieces, feathers strewn across the room, in your hair, floating down from where you tossed them up in what feels like a never ending shower of what was once beautiful wings.  

[kinkassigner]

At last, oh good kink assigner, at last my journey has brought me to you. I am at a great turning point in my life; possibilities spread out around me in a netted complex too vast to see clearly, and the world lays open and ready at my feet. If I am to navigate these paths, I must first understand who I am on the deepest of levels. In pursuit of self-discovery, I humbly ask of you a kink reading. Thank you for your service.

The world is vast and winding, and endless stream of rivers and stars casting their waters and glow far beyond places most can see. This is what I am here for, let me show you what the twisted nets of possibility have in store for you today, so you might see deeper within yourself. A singular thread, 33 meters long exactly. To the very fray of the ends. A mantle upon your shoulders made of knitted threads wrapped around many knitting needles of various sizes. Chainmail can kiss your ass. The feeling of walking upon moss covered grounds, its better if you can also feel a light mist. Entering Academic institutions after dusk and writing extensive and detailed fictional biopics about historical figures in paint across the halls and ceilings. Varying in size of font from human skull sized letters to 12 point times new roman. Getting into other people’s ubers before they arrive and just seeing where you end up. A trail of thousands of worms emerging from the earth as you walk, no matter the terrain, if concrete or asphalt lines the ground, they burst worth. As if to follow you or mark your path. The chaos this creates and the reactions of the people around you, no matter what they may be, that is the kink. Weaponizing birds. Knitting elaborate garments for skeletons. Digging up their graves and dressing them after their funeral robes have long since rotted and decayed leaving them exposed. You return them to the earth once they have been clothed anew. Holding a blizzard from Dairy Queen upside down. Waiting. Waiting until that perfect moment where it all comes slipping out. The longer it takes, the greater the satisfaction of watching it fall. 

[kinkassigner]

Oh mighty and omniscient Assigner of Kinks, I come to you during a time of great change and self discovery. Would you kindly aid my journey by revealing my mysterious kinks to me? May you be blessed with your favourite weather for your troubles

Thank you for these blessing. I can already feel your desires forming into hail high up in the sky. It would be my pleasure to aid you on your path, not a trouble in any means my dear. Please take what I can reveal about your innermost self today and keep it close to your heart. Wearing a crown of bones and steel, spikes protruding and twisting as the jut out in all directions from where it rests on your head. Wailing through the streets, a long tattered cape trailing behind you. The clouds covering the stars and moon, only the candelabrum you clutch tightly in your fist illuminating your visage. That sound when someone drops a large sack of ice. Being summoned my phone calls and text message is not how you wish for a lover to speak to you. It can only be romance if its done via large beacons of flame and proper smoke signals, for the details and dirty bits.Those sweatshirts and hats that have City Name, State. On them except the City Names are false dead places no historian would say existed, Normal State. Being looked at by objects with button eyes. Holding utensils by the end most people would use to make contact with the food. Now no matter what utensil you hold. It is a knife. 

[kinkassigner]

kink assigner, i have climbed your mountain again. i have changed names, faces, and souls since the last time you saw me. to commemorate this change, i am requesting another kink reading, as when a bottle is smashed against a new ship to prepare her for her maiden voyage.

Welcome back young wanderer. It’s important to renew your kinks as you evolve to greater heights. I also always love a return visitor, now lets see what this voyage has in store for you shall we? Teeth in impossible locations. An inconsistent, off beat, perpetual thud.  Within the confines of transitory spaces, door ways, train station platforms, trolleys, the baggage claim at an airport, any high way rest stop surrounded by an ominous tree line, anywhere around a gas station in an open plain.Creating outfit and wig ensembles that are perfect replicas of celebrities appearances at various award shows. Then, swapping the wigs of two different celebrities so you and your lover look as if you were those celebrities but got dressed in the wrong outfits after a brief backstage affair. Breaking plates and glasses but molding them back together again, now with lines of gold and silver, earthy tones of ceramic clays. While pointed at precisely 3 degrees to the left of true north.Wearing nothing but a collection of variously sized as needed outlaw styled  bandanas. Releasing packs of blood collected by the Red Cross into the wild.