he would never trade his home for anything, not glory, not fame, not even love.
that last one hurts the most, though, considering that nowadays he actually gets to be in mondstat, see jean's angry face when she catches him in the tavern, spar with noelle and razor and watch them grow into able fighters, and feel the blessed breeze caressing his skin.
there's so many people he loves here, people that he appreciates, that have made part of his story and shaped him not only as a leader, a fighter, a knight, a grandmaster, but a person.
and yet, none of them, no matter how hard he tries, are you.
he still remembers the first time he saw you, walking among the pebbled stones of town, he was just a squire then, learning how to balance skills and responsability. he thinks maybe that was the odd thing about meeting you, even in the city of freedom, everyone had something going on, inner turmoils in their minds that they were sorting through, just like him.
and you were just, so, so, so peaceful. your laugh followed you everywhere you went, and your smile could brighten even his darkest days, he would always stare at you when he thought no one was watching, and wonder how was it that you were always so carefree, and happy.
obviously, you did notice. you were always so observant, grazing your fingers across the blades of grass, eyes scanning every petal of each flower you just picked. you were always fond of them.
maybe that's why you approached him that day, when he was just out of celebrating his ascent to official knight, the streets of mondstat bathed in shining moonlight, the wind misty and crisp against his skin, that was decorated with all kinds of ceremonial regalia.
he saw you, then, sitting in the edge of the fountain, skimming fingertips dancing across the sparkly water. you had a single cecilia laying on your lap, no doubt plucked by your own curious hands. he walked closer, like stuck in a trance, until he was right in front of you, and you tilted your head up, batting eyelashes making his knees weak.
"did you have good day, varka?"
"im sorry?"
"i mean, did you enjoy being knighted? it was long overdue"
"um... yeah, y-yeah, i did. but uh, how did you know that, and how do you know my name?"
"well, it would be very hard not to know you, varka, you're pretty well known"
"... right"
"and it would be harder not to notice you, given how much you love to stalk me"
"what?! w-what do you mean? i haven't, um, i don't stalk you, ha ha....."
you giggled, like you had the entire conversation, mercilessly teasing him, like you used to do.
"don't worry about it, im flattered that mondstats brilliant young knight finds me interesting enough to watch"
he remembers acutely how he didn't have to look at himself through the water's reflection to know, and feel how much he was blushing from just a few of your words.
he stood there awkwardly after a strained laugh, shuffling his feet around. honestly, he faced terrible foes for his age back then, so why was he such a loser in front of you?
you seemed to take pity on him, a courtesy you didn't extend easily, and stopped teasing him, not without another melodic laugh.
you stood up from where you were sitting and carefully reached out to wrap your hands around his, turning it around until his palm was flat and facing you. in his nerve wrecked state, he could still remember noting how soft your hands were against his calloused ones. and with a little inhale, you placed the cecilia right on top of his palm.
he remembers looking up at your eyes, like pools of hypnotizing waters, genuinely confused (and a little dazed).
"it's for you. congratulations, i hope your knighthood is as you want it to be" and you softly let go of his hand.
he closed his hand around the flower carefully, scared about the mere idea of harming it, and stared at it for a little while. he had been praised that day, to no end, he had been decorated with every award and compliment there was. he had shone so brightly, brighter than anyone ever had in the favonius history, and still, he couldn't outshine the darkness that loomed in his mind about the whole ordeal.
was he enough? would he be enough to protect his people, his city? would he be enough to lead an army of men, men who all had family and lives, and bring them back alive? was he really ready to handle all of this? was he wasting his youth?
these questions all plagued him that day, no matter how hard he laughed or how many barrels he'd drink.
yet now, standing in front of you, you who have probably known of his creepy habit of resting his eyes on you for some time, you who knew that his biggest and most hard worked achievement to date was today, you who have prepared him such a simple, thoughtful and sweet gift, all he could feel was hope.
hope that he'd rise through the challenges, hope that he'd slay every and each foe, hope that he'd drive away any and all monsters that dare harm the freedom of the people of mondstat, and hope that he'd do it all because he wants to, because he wants it.
but most importantly, he felt so, so, so much love for you his heart could burst, his nose could bleed any second now, as his eyes kept drifting towards your lips.
so, because he wanted it, he pulled you close with his free hand and wrapped it around your waist, and stared deep into your eyes, down to your soul.
"may i please, please kiss you?"
you simply leaned in.
so yeah, sometimes he misses it. no matter how grateful he is for being back home after such a long expedition, no matter how much care has surrounded his return. he knows since all the way back then that no feeling could ever match that of your love.
maybe that's why he's been avoiding you ever since he came back, ever since he made his long awaited return from a journey that stole that tender future you both thought you would have, and gave mondstat the peace it has now. he couldn't bare seeing you, knowing how much hurt he must've caused in your heart when he left without saying goodbye, but he really couldn't bring himself to do it, not when he knew if he did, he wouldn't ever leave.
so he lives with his choice, with the stone walls and the green valleys and the high cliffs, with the clear waters and the gentle breeze.
