Inside Thoughts

Hi, I think things, here they are Stay <3 Evol <3 Weflip <3 Roady <3

[connorsbackpocket]

I feel like Shane's first day in the Cen's locker room would be *so awkward*. It's been over five years since he walked into a locker room as anything less than Captain Hollander. More than 10 years since he was The New Guy™️. And after a lot of (necessary, mostly good, net positive) changes in a short span of time (engaged, away from toxic team culture, moved, married) his head is kind of reeling as he walks in to not-the-montreal locker room for the first time and dumps his bag in his stall.

Ilya sees his tension right away, because of course he does, but doesn't get involved right away because he can also tell that Shane is just laying low and reading the room for a bit. He taps Shane's foot with his and shoots him a wink, and gets a quick but genuine smile in return.

They start with names and contact info for everyone, including office staff and team supports. Finally they get around to Shane and he just sort of awkwardly stands and pastes on a halfway convincing smile.

"Hi, I'm Shane," he introduces, and Ilya is instantly transported back to a rink parking lot over a decade ago for a minute. Shane rattles off his phone number and not a soul in the room needs his name spelled out but a few of the European guys had to spell theirs so it just seemed fair. Ilya almost chokes on his heart as Shane spells out his last name, H-O-double-L-A-N-D-E-R-hyphen-R-O-Z-as in zebra-A-N-O-V as in victory.

[gaynehollander]

Ilya's so lucky Shane never hooked up with another man before him, someone who could've told him he didn't need to say "please" in bed, or made him feel embarrassed about folding his clothes, or showed him what casual sex actually looks like (thus cutting Ilya's time of feasibly insisting that what's going on between them is casual down by like 80%). Like, Ilya dickmatized that boy at 19, before anyone else could get to him, and he can thank his lucky stars.

[grabmybush]

i think that maybe one day ilya’s going through an old box of stuff from moscow, maybe sveta sent it to him after the funeral and he put it in a cupboard somewhere. he doesn’t like thinking about moscow on the best of days, but shane wants to clean out their garage so there he is, sat on the floor with the box spread out in front of him.

He finds an old binder or something, a photo album, very very few photos in their at all, mainly pictures of the city, of his old house, family portraits, a few pictures of birds. soon, it’s clear that this was made by Irina.

he’s flipping through and there are more blank pages than filled ones, and then he finds a few old pictures of himself, yellow with age and with some small water damage in places, but it’s him, in hockey gear, at the dinner table, maybe the odd birthday. ilya knows shane would love to keep them in a shared album somewhere. and he’s just about to call for his husband when he turns the page and-

Irina

it’s undeniably her, the curls he remembers, the red lipstick. a photo of her looking into the camera and then a similar one, taken immediately after, of her laughing.

and tears spring to his eyes, he’s hit with every detail he’s forgotten in the decades since he last saw her. that small mole on her chin, her silver earrings she always wore at home, her-

Ilya realises through the age of the photo you can almost make out her freckles

how could he have forgotten her freckles? he never took too much notice of them, probably mostly covered by makeup, but now- now, he can’t imagine forgetting them.

Shane finds him 20 minutes later, cradling the album and sobbing silently, and ilya surges towards him and kisses- well, he doesn’t kiss him, he kisses his freckles. and when shane asks what happened, ilya shows him the photos, and shane meticulously picks out a double picture frame and has them safely copied and preserved in their entryway. somewhere ilya will always be able to come back to and remember the freckles that maybe- possibly- gave him the first spark when he met shane.

[aslongasitsblack]

ilya responds to ig q&a questions that say ‘whats it like to be a fucking f*ggot?’ with a picture of shane in a backwards cap and a white tshirt casually lifting the hem to wipe his mouth with one hand so his abs are exposed while he’s holding ilyas hand with the other, with the text ‘VERY AWESOME 😍👍’

[maemaybe]

I don't know who my intended audience is here, so whoever needs to hear this, I am begging you to learn to participate in conversations that are about things you aren't interested in.

Part of socializing and having friends is being a good listener even when you don't actually give a shit about the subject.

Your are hurting other people's feelings when you bluntly respond with "Anyway..." and then change the topic.

It can not always be about your preferred topic.

You are being rude. Yes, even if you are neurodivergent. You can be both autistic and rude.

[argillaforma]

ilya pre first hookup: i wouldn't be surprised if this is his first time i better be a little careful with that awkward canadian i don't wanna spook him

ilya coming out of room 1410 at 9:12PM with his third eye opened: oh okay so i might have underestimated him

[snowsmoked]

Shane notices that Ilya always has to be doing something. At first, he thinks its sweet, attentive.

"Is your blanket warm enough? I'll go get another one."

"I will carry plates, go sit."

"Practice is optional for players, Shane, not captain."

And, look, Shane isn't one to lay about. He's up for morning runs, he attends almost every optional practice, he's meticulous about his work out routines. He's a top athlete and so is Ilya, they both work incredibly hard to stay at the top. Still, Shane doesn't have a problem with a lazy afternoon reading in bed, or a free weekend spent at his cottage, or a summer relaxing.

He notices that sometimes Ilya will startle, just a little bit, if Shane walks into the room when he's laying on the couch, scrolling through his phone. If Shane makes even the slightest request, Ilya is jumping to get it done there and then. He's the first one at practice and the last one to leave.

He will take naps with Shane, but he's always up before Shane, working out in the gym, doing their monthly calendar, adding things Shane likes to their shopping list that he wouldn't add, etc.

"Just sit with me," Shane catches Ilya's arm on his latest trip to the kitchen."

"I know, I will," Ilya covers his hand. "I just want to wipe down counters before your parents get here."

"They won't care," Shane scrunches up his face. "They won't even notice. Come sit down."

"Okay," Ilya says, but looks a little torn. "We are suppose to be hosting, not lazing around."

"Ilya," Shane sat up more. "You cleaned the whole house like twice today. I cooked. We aren't lazing around."

"Yes, I know, but..."

"Ilya, you aren't lazy," Shane said directly. He doesn't know exactly why that word seems difficult for Ilya, but he has his suspicions. "And even if you were lazy sometimes, I wouldn't care. I would like it, probably."

Ilya softened. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Shane tugs him and Ilya finally lets himself be pulled into Shane's lap. "Just come be lazy with me."

"Hm," Ilya adjusts himself to better snuggle into his boyfriend. "That does not sound so bad."

[argillaforma]

the whole boston team knowing about montreal jane and they think that ilya rozanov who can pull any girl he wants must have found a real baddie the way he keeps coming back for more and then hard cut to shane hollander on a friday night drinking tea and reading the same hockey book for the fourth time who when ilya texts him asking what are you wearing? texts back my new organic cotton pj set and ilya texts back i'm so hard tell me more

[argillaforma]

shane coming home after hanging out with rose's gay friends, looking like a sad puppy: ilya...i don't think they liked me...they called me a cunt all evening

ilya, well versed in queer culture: sweetheart they said you were cunty which is very different i promise they loved you

[argillaforma]

thinking about shane who in his late 30’s discovers that he might be autistic and kind of freaks out about it because he’s already the gay hockey player and the asian hockey player he doesn’t also want to be the autistic hockey player with all the negative stereotypes it comes with but he finally confides in ilya one day and says i think i might have autism and ilya gives him a soft look and says yes i think maybe you do and at first shane gets a little angry at ilya because why does it seem like you knew? how did you know? why didn’t you tell me? and ilya says because i think you deserve to figure out how you feel without me plantning ideas in your head and no matter what you would still be my shane, trying to be all sweet about it and shane gives him a careful look and asks is that why you haven’t turned on the overheard light in 2 years and ilya sighs and nods

[moved-to-saltcircuit]

dealing with people who are spacing out

DON’T: -hit them -yell at them -wave in their face in excess

DO: -say their name once or twice -tap them gently and if they don’t respond, -wait patiently for them to snap back into reality

[moved-to-saltcircuit]

this still applies yo

[sapphicandchubby]

As someone who disassociates quite a lot, this is useful information

[koallawangja]

Whoever said New Yorkers are mean lied, they’ve been very nice to me lol

[sweetangelfart]

Yuna posts a carousel of ilya on her Instagram page to celebrate his birthday with the caption, "My youngest turns a year older today. Thank you for bringing your big heart and soft smiles into our lives. Your perseverance, intuition and ambition never fails to amaze me. We can't wait to see what the future has in store for you and we're so so glad to call you our son.

P.S David asked me to tell you that he is very excited about the puzzle he picked out to do with you."

All the pics are of ilya being soft 🤧

Him at the dinner table stuffing his face with chicken parm with a mountain of cheese, the marinara sauce tinge the corners of his mouth

Him and Yuna on the couch, his head on her lap, her fingers lost in his curls

Him in the backyard of his house, sat on the ground while Anya licks his face

Him and shane passed out on different parts couch on their tummies, with their fingers tangled together

Him with the pikelings treating him like jungle gym. The twins hang from his biceps while Arthur is licking an ice lolly sat on his shoulders totally zoned out and little Amber has wrapped her teeny tiny hands around one of his knees. To be noted, he is wearing one of his expensive ass ray bans and his nails are painted in the bi flag and he's wearing those necklaces from the DIY jewellery making kits for kids.

Him solving a puzzle with David at the dinner table with a blanket around his shoulders

Him posing with 2 hotdogs as if they are guns, face scrunched in mock strain

A family photo of four of them in a restaurant all happy smiles, a bit shaky due the staff being nervous

Him sticking his tongue out at shane with the TV remote in one hand keeping it out of reach while the other arm tries to push shane away

The hudcon lick™️ on the ice but hollanov in their Ottawa jerseys

Him and shane at the dock with Shane's arm around his waist and his wrapped around Shane's shoulders at they watch the sun rise at the cottage

A picture of them at their wedding, shane throwing his head back laughing, his hand on his stomach with the wedding band glinting as ilya tries to hide his smirk into his champagne glass

When ilya finds out, he blushes deep red and tries to hold back tears.

"Shaaaannneeee, mama is trying to make me look uncool!!! She's posted nice pictures and its ruining my reputation!!" As he whines and poutspoutspouts while shane laughs at his face and feeds him cake

[gaynehollander]

Childhood friends au where Ilya and Shane have always been very physically affectionate. Ilya, in particular, is constantly grabbing at Shane, kissing his freckles, gripping his cheeks to make his lips all pouty like a fish, dragging him by the hand, because that's his Shane, that's his best friend. That's the way it's always been. Shane loves it because every time Ilya touches him like that he's making it clear that Shane is his favourite and he loves the reassurance of it. It's made him feel confident in initiating his own physical touches, crawling into Ilya's lap on the couch, playing with his curls, grabbing his hand for comfort when he gets nervous.

Only, when they get older, like around thirteen, suddenly Shane notices that it seems like the way they've always interacted is no longer acceptable. It's not Ilya who makes him feel like that, it's everyone else. It's a gradual creeping awareness of other people watching them and judging them. Now, when Ilya grabs his face in public and kisses his nose like he sometimes does, something that used to ignite unbridled joy in him because Ilya was showing him how much he loved him, it suddenly comes with this icky feeling too. The feeling of eyes on them, the feeling of silent sneers and whispered judgement. Eventually it isn't even whispered anymore. The other boys their age make it clear to Shane. They push him, they say horrible things, call him ugly words and suddenly what used to feel so pure and joyful is tainted with shame. Suddenly Ilya's touches make him anxious. Not when they're alone. When they're alone they still feel so good, so soothing and nice, full of adoration and love, but even then there's a feeling in the pit of Shane's stomach that he can't name that didn't used to be there. A feeling that says he shouldn't like this as much as he does.

[bees-reads]

Shane is the type of ridiculously hot that he ends up on random people’s TikTok pages with them begging people to help find him.

Hockey fans then have to break their hearts by letting them know that 1) he’s gay 2) he’s married and 3) his husband is just as hot as he is.

[lexicanons]

Post TLG, Shane has a rare completely off night. He was awful and he knows it. When they get back to the locker room after the loss, Shane goes to apologize to the team. Before he can start, the team just pushes him out of the way and surrounds Ilya. They’re like “Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you? What’s your problem?” and Ilya is so confused as to why they’re upset with him because he played well despite losing. Someone is like “Cap, it’s your job to put out and you clearly haven’t been and that’s why Shane is playing like shit, so why are you not giving it up?”. Someone else explains that they figured out a while ago that Shane plays like a God when he’s getting laid regularly, and goes back to being a normal human when not, so they need to know why Ilya isn’t bending over and giving it up. They start assuming that something is medically wrong and Bood is like “Well if Ilya can’t take it then someone on the team has to step up” and Luca is immediately like “I’ll let Shane fuck me…I mean for the sake of team and everything…if I must…I’m not actually eager or anything…like I haven’t thought about this at all…ever!” Ilya starts yelling at the team, telling them that everything is fine, but they yell back and now everyone is arguing. Meanwhile, Shane is very amused by the fact that the team thinks he’s the top.

[gaynehollander]

It always baffles me when people think Shane would be constantly annoyed by Ilya's antics and bravado. Like, Shane? Shane Hollander? The same man who started salivating when rookie Roz said he was going to score 50 goals? The man who gets so hard over Ilya sexting him right before a game that he could storm into the visiting locker room and ride his man right there? The same Shane Hollander who happily accepted a blowjob while his best friend tried to have a deep and genuine conversation with him about his wife's difficult pregnancy? Nah, that dude is a peak enabler who loves his asshole husband.