Cancer
I hope to write more of this but I’m starting here. Maybe I’ll backtrack. But here we are 2.5 weeks into radiation. I think that we,as women, are expected to just do what we are told in regard to breast cancer. Once diagnosed and out In the world were told to be “strong” and “kick its ass” and that we’re fighters. We are. We’re woman. We’ve been fighting since the womb. Maybe I’ll feel different in 2.5 more weeks. Maybe I’ll feel like I fought something. I know I’ll not feel like I’ve “won” anything for all this fighting but a life that has now been pretty much irrevocably changed by cancer. My body will never feel the same. And right now I don’t know if I will ever heal mentally from this. I’m at the mid way point on this radiation and I will tell you that Even now I would absolutely give up this fight and walk away from these last two weeks without even a second thought. I do not want to do this anymore, at all, even if for only another 2.5 weeks. For those who say it’s at the end and it’s not that bad? They lied. Radiation so far has just made me wish I had the mastectomy because no breast at all has to be better than chicken fried burnt nerve damaged breast. No one is doing anyone any favors by lying about how shitty radiation is. It IS a big fucking deal. Perspective time- yes maybe if I hadn’t been lucky enough to skip chemo I’d be so grateful that part was over that this radiation nonsense might seem like a breeze. It probably is after going through the hell that is chemo. But the ones who have to do the chemo must be way stronger than me because I can’t begin to imagine how shitty that is. I applaud you for wanting your life so badly. Personally, I’d be in Mexico with a new identity trying to actually live a better life without fighting this bitch because I’m not made of that strong stuff. No. Fucking. Way. But that’s the worst thing about the cancer. Every step is one shitty step further into it but no one lets you know just exactly how shitty it is and you do it because they tell you you have to. No one wants you to know the truth. I will. Because I came into this disease with an even bigger disease on my plate. I have MDD, have attempted suicide while perfectly “healthy” and not a whole lot of will to carry the big torch of getting through cancer. Everyone wants to give you a medal for that but no one gave me a medal after barely making it through 10 years of major depressive disorder, uncontrolled anxiety and self harm. No one talks about how someone who doesn’t really want to live gets through a cancer diagnosis. My cancer wasn’t the kind that kills you. It’s just the kind that’s a giant pain in the ass. Or tit. Or whatever. No suicide by cop here, no treatment please, just let it kill me. Nope. No option for that. It’s fight it or maybe not fight it but it still won’t kill you anytime soon, so you might as well just do what they tell you to. And no, it doesn’t help with your depression. Definitely gives your anxiety a whole new bunch of stuff to be anxious about though and you cannot find a person or a book on the entire bloody internet that’s going to help you process that. I’ll tell you: the depression stays the same. I read a book by a girl in the UK who was young and diagnosed with breast cancer. Hers was way worse than mine when she found it. And guess what? She cheerfully defeats breast cancer. Then dies from secondary brain and bone cancer 2 years later. Whomp whomp. 😔 That’s scary even when you have a death wish. And if you want to be super anxious, well there you go. I could’ve used a whole lot of better friends during this time. My family is aces but my friends are total shite. Seriously. I do hope if you’re in my life and you ever have to go through this you can be confident in the knowledge that I actually will be there for you. I’ll forget about how fucking shitty it felt when you were absolutely absent during my time of need. I can do that. I’ll get over it. So at least you know where to go if you need someone who understands this utter bullshit that is cancer. You weren’t there during the worst of my depression. Why would I think it’d go differently now? I’m a little angry and really emotional and so very ready to run away in the middle of the night before having to get back into this radiation on Monday. But I’ll stay. And I’ll fight or whatever this is. Because I have to. Because I’m a woman and that’s just what we fuckin do.
#breastcancer #women #radiation
