So hey, with all this SESTA and FOSTA fuckery that’s already doing more to kill the free and open Internet than Ajit Pai has managed in his entire term, now seems like a good time to mention that I applied to work for the NSA at some point.
And part of applying to work for the NSA means taking a lie detector test.
And while I was hooked up to a lie detector, I made the mistake of walking myself into a conversational trap where I had to explain explicit fanfiction to an NSA officer.
(”But Hicku, why didn’t you lie?” you might reasonably ask me. Because I was hooked up to a lie detector, I didn’t properly understand how unreliable they are, and I had already had experience earlier with how good they are at catching moments of uncertainty. Not lies! Just moments of uncertainty. I got asked if I had any foreign national contacts I hadn’t declared, had a second of wondering if the family in Sicily I’d never met counted, and got grilled for five minutes as a result as to why I’d lied.)
And to this day, I can remember the look of confusion and disgust on that woman’s face. And - especially after finally getting my examination paperwork via a Freedom of Information Act request that took three years to process - I can now say that the NSA regards explicit fanfiction as being a greater sign of derangement than having a car with severed doll parts glued to it.
I remember because the person sponsoring me said I was a shoe-in because no way did I have any habits more odious than glueing severed babydoll limbs to a car.
Turns out, writing fanfic is considered worse by our government!
Another note I remember on my paperwork is someone mentioning that “[Hicku]’s intentions in contacting foreign women may be a cause for concern”, since I listed a friend in Canada and Australia. So, have fun with that, literally all my non-US friends. The US government considers you all spies, because our country is run by people who cannot fathom ever wanting to have anything to do with anyone who’s not American.
Seriously, one friend and I laugh to this day about the fact that this proctor asked in all seriousness if my Canadian friend was my “illicit lover.”
tl;dr don’t assume you’re safe because it’s “just” fanfic or “just” art. The US government regards all online porn with the same degree of confusion and disgust, probably now more than ever.
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