look into my eyes — what can you see? ; ji & hyo
{ ♚ } —He wished time could have stopped then and there, that the universe would stop mid-step, the world stop its turning and that time would never resume; that it would never continue in the given direction. But nothing was ever in his favor and that he was actually desperate enough to believe that something would be, might just prove how completely and utterly fucked up he has become over the past few months. It was like flying and falling, those seconds that passed before Jonghyo opened his mouth and god, Jihoon really just wanted to walk away, then and there. And never set foot on this street again, never face any of his fears or his problems. But that wouldn’t lead him anywhere, and it is what made him stubborn enough to stand his ground, no matter the hurt that washed over him when Jonghyo’s expression changed.
Every single thing he wanted to say, every coherent sentence died on his tongue when speaking of old memories, painful ones that made his stomach churn and his skin crawl. So he merely nodded slightly. Because aside from the fact that there were no words to speak, he knew his voice wouldn’t hold. At that moment all he wanted to do was to touch, to hold and to mend. But the rift between the two of them wasn’t exactly small and it would take time to stitch it back together, just like with everything else. Jihoon knew, without second thought that’d he’d give his entire life span for things to get better. But he wasn’t sure about the younger male, he never really was. And especially not lately.
He was about to speak properly after his moment of silence, when the younger’s lips parted again, and the words that leave him this time hit as hard as the first round of accusations. It was like being hit by bullets, one after the other, aimed towards his heart and not a single one of them missing out on its target. He wanted to step back the moment he was grabbed and he barely managed to keep his gaze by the other, forcing himself to focus not to seem as if he was disregarding every spoke word. The only thing he could actually let himself do, to ease the reoccurring waves emotional hurt was to shut his eyes, For brief little moments here and there. His chest ached, each and every muscle in his body ached and when he was let go, his eyes re-opened. The red hue of his eyes was growing deeper by now and his shoulders slumped. He was confused, so confused and between all the hurt and the occasional need to speak, he wasn’t even aware of what he was doing.
It was like being paralyzed, frostbitten into silence and immobility as he stood, observant in his flawed posture and his features expressed nothing aside from the gruesome growth of guilt and panic; agony and corruption. And he realized he still hand’t responded when he watched the younger interact with the child in the stroller, when he heard his muffled apology and Jihoon didn’t know what to do. His fingertips twitched, his eyelids fluttered slowly and he knew he was breaking. Because his facade was caving, crackling at the edges and he couldn’t stop it. Because there was not a single person alive in the entire world that could ever make him this vulnerable. Aside form Jonghyo. Because before everything withered away; turned so complicated, they had known each other as thoroughly as one possibly could. And he supposed, that was the part that hurt him the most. “I’m sorry too…” He then uttered, hoping his voice was loud enough for the other to hear. ” For being selfish while trying to be selfless. “
” I’m sorry for committing mistakes while trying to protect you…”
He paused, drawing a ragged breath.
“From everything that I am. “
He breathed slowly, he dragged his fingernails up and down along clothed arms like he usually did, when he wanted to tear his faults away. When he needed to redeem in the most cruel ways he knew. By actually causing himself physical pain. Those motions were slow and so was the backwards-trampling half stumbling he performed when he tried to back away without much luck.
Jonghyo clutched Jina to him, desperate in his attempts to hide the wetness of his eyes and the way his chest heaved from a lack of air. He couldn’t breathe, the vice around his chest too tight and restrictive, and the sheer panic that ensued -- the panic that Jihoon had instigated -- was not helping. At all. And it worsened when he recognized the tell-tale signs of someone attempting to leave.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” The words were oddly familiar on Jonghyo’s tongue, and it took him a good moment or two to realize that he’d spoken them not even five minutes ago after first running into Jihoon. They sounded different now than they had before, lacking the previous nonchalance in favor of a hysteric edge. “Where the absolute fuck are you going now, Jihoon?”
With another hard swallow against the rising lump in his throat, Jonghyo turned to eye the elder, lips pursing to hide they way they might have otherwise trembled. “Do you really think it’s okay to just confess to someone and then run?” He tried to smile, the weak expression hooking the furthest corner of his lips for a very brief instant before faltering and fading away. “I know you’re an old man and all, but there’s no way you could have just forgotten that. Maybe I--” The neutral expression became another weak smile, one that he didn’t bother to try to hide. “Maybe I need to teach you that, huh? I’m pretty good at being a human.”
It was then that Jonghyo hesitated, torn on how to proceed. There was the most rational path, the path he most likely should choose...but then, there was also an urge that ran so deep that it felt like instinct. Rather than choosing one or the other, Jonghyo opted for a mix of the two, leaving Jina and her stroller just long enough to reach out and pull Jihoon down.
Despite it now being just after sundown, they were in the middle of a sidewalk in the downtown of the city. Cars whizzed along the street and people strolled past them without a second glance, oblivious to the meeting that fate had arranged for them. So with that in mind, Jonghyo merely pulled Jihoon down close, the hand against his neck gentle, but firm, not allowing there be be any sort of escape before it was allowed, and pressed a fleeting kiss to the corner of his lips. “Come get a drink with me, Jihoon. I know a great, little cafe nearby. No whiskey or anything, but they do have a nice selection of tea.”
Without waiting for a response, Jonghyo smiled, a smile that lingered ever as he turned and pushed the stroller down the path. It was too late to drop off the manuscript now. The company would be closed by the time he and Jina arrived. And the cafe did sound like a good idea, whether Jihoon accompanied him or not.
But hopefully he would.
