maybe i'm trying

a personal blog where i come to vent. i may occasionally reblog random stuff. tw for basically everything. tags are just to help me stay organized.

[kyrenrayne69]

10.9.2020, 10:31pm

Hi to anyone who actually reads my posts lol. I have two main things I want to talk about today because I made myself sad and feel like talking about it.

The first is about how I always form strong attachments to celebrities. Ever since I was younger, I’ve always gone through cycles where I get really into a certain celebrity/celebrities and fill my life with them until I eventually move on to the next celebrity. I always create little scenarios with them in my head and get really interested in their work and whatnot. Most of the time I make myself realize that they don’t even know I exist and that we’d never get along anyway and hurt my own feelings. I don’t know why I do this. It’s usually with women celebrities, so I always kind of have thought that it may have something to do with my mom leaving when I was so young. Like now I form strong attachments to women celebrities in an attempt to fill the space in which a proper motherly relationship should have existed. I don’t really know. I know it sounds weird and creepy, but I do think it’s sort of my way with coping with things, not just my parents’ divorce. Even now as I’m an actual adult, I still fantasize about befriending whichever my ‘flavor of the month (lol)’ celebrity is and forming relationships with them and whatnot. This probably sounds like I’m just a lonely loser, huh? lol

The second thing is (surprise) my eating disorder. After I eat, I always have this weird agreement with myself. I tell myself that if I’m at/below a certain weight, I won’t need to make myself throw up. On my way to my scale, I find myself praying that I’ll be below that weight so I won’t have to throw up, but even if I see the numbers I want there’s this horrible feeling in my stomach. I always convince myself that I’ll feel better if I throw up, so obviously I still do it despite not wanting to. But at the same time I still want to. It doesn’t make sense. I just always feel like crying when I think about my weight. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied, but I also don’t think I’ll ever be able to make myself stop. It always sort of boils down to me thinking that I deserve all of this because I’m not worthy. I just, for some reason, want to be able to see and feel all of my bones. I obsess with the ones that I’m able to see now, like my wrists, my shoulders, my collarbone, and my neck/spine. But I’m not satisfied. I want to be able to feel my ribs and my fingers. It’s almost like a purity thing. I want everything gone except my bones.

[kyrenrayne69]

10.4.2020, 8:48pm

Idk random whatever. I just realized that eating warm foods (as in temperature) always makes me feel sick now. The same goes for foods with a lot of liquids, like soup or cereal. I don’t really remember when this started happening. It was quite a while back, but still when I was just getting older. The feeling in my stomach and chest after eating any of those things is always just awful. I’m sure it has something to do with the state of my body from my bulimia but honestly who knows or cares *shrug* lol

[kyrenrayne69]

9.25.2020, 10:07pm

I had a good day because I got acknowledged by my head boss for doing a good job. I had an evaluation that I'd been super nervous about, but it ended up going really well. That out me in a good mood.

But I ended up eating more because I was feeling good which in turn made me feel bad. I was almost back up to the next 10th place in my weight and it's frustrating. Like all my work had been for nothing, despite me still having lost quite a bit of weight.

But I really noticed that my face has been super swollen today. Like not just noticeable to me. But like noticeably noticeable to others. And it's so annoying because what's the point of being skinnier if my face is just going to be fat?

I don't know what but that thought really bothered me and made me start crying. I wish I could stop making myself purge but it's so hard. I don't want to do it but I feel like I'll never be skinny otherwise. But now that my face keeps swelling that just complicates it even further. I just really hate how things are right now. Why couldn't they have just stayed good?

[kyrenrayne69]

9.20.2020, 9:19pm

I don’t know why I’m here really. I’ve just been kind of feeling weird? lately. Like I can’t explain how I’m feeling or what’s causing it, but I just haven’t really been feeling myself lately. Like I haven’t really been living these past few days. By that I mean that I’ve done things and time has passed, but sitting here now, I just feel like I haven’t been a part of those things. Like it wasn’t me who was doing them. Almost like I’ve been out of body and in a state of existence but unconsciousness? for the past couple of weeks.

Besides that I’ve been very manic depressive. I’ll have a day where I’m very energetic and all about self care and dressing cute and wanting to do impulsive things. The next day I’ll be super down and hate myself and be really fed up with everyone and everything. And this cycle just kind of repeats.

I hung out with my sister one day last week. Our plan was just to get drunk and have fun because it’s rare that I have any time to just chill lately. Well, she ended up sitting me down and having this long, serious conversation with me about how she thinks I’m in a bad place right now and need to do something to get out of it. I won’t go into the details of it, but I felt that she’d gotten a lot of it right. She also did a tarot card reading for me (she’s really into that stuff. I’m not, but I don’t not believe in it), and everything really seemed to add up. It was almost uncanny. I’ve really been thinking over everything she said, actually planning and taking it serious, and some part of me agrees but another sees a lot of drawbacks to her idea. I still haven’t really made up my mind on it, but I have time.

One of the things that she did get wrong (at least in my eyes) is my eating disorder. She told me that she thinks I obsess over my weight and make myself throw up because in my current situation, my weight is the only thing I can control. I don’t think that’s why I do it. I just see myself in the mirror and think that I look disgusting. I want to be skinny and prettier. That’s why I do it.

On that note, I’ve hit below the weight “tier” I was previously at (i.e. if I weighed 96 lbs before now I weigh 89, or if I weighed 102 lbs before now I weigh 99. idk if that makes sense). I don’t really want to share my actually weight because I’m sure that some people will still think I’m fat, but I’ve lost about 50 recently. I’m less than 20 pounds away from my goal weight. If I reach that I’ll be so freaking pumped. I doubt that I’ll stop throwing up after I reach my goal though. Despite it being my goal, I’d obviously still like to be skinnier.

Although I’ve still been making myself sick after eating, I have been being slightly more healthy. I’ve been actually eating less and not as unhealthy foods. I’ve also started casually working out, mostly focusing on my arms and stomach atm. I’m hoping that that’ll help me reach my weight goal faster.

*[I came back after adding my tags because I forgot about this.] I cut myself again recently. It was quite a bit, but I haven’t really thought about it since. It had been a while since I’ve done it, but I’ve just been feeling really overwhelmed lately. It seemed to help at the moment, and now I haven’t felt like doing it again so maybe it did actually help this one time lol.

Completely unrelated, I mentioned this in a previous post, but one of my dogs recently passed away. Ever since that day, our house has felt really empty. I love my other dogs, but I just sort of feel like I’m going through the motions with them now. Like I’m not excited to feed them or take them out. It’s all just sort of things that I do. None of it really seems real. Just that it’s happening. It’s a lot like that feeling of emptiness I mentioned in the beginning. Maybe it’s related, who knows.

The last serious thing I want to talk about is my education and career. This is supposed to be my last semester of university before graduation, as long as I pass my classes. But I just haven’t been motivated. I don’t know if it’s because of the new online class format that we have to use or if I’m finally just burnt out from my years of schooling, but I just don’t feel interested or motivated. I’m hoping to get out of this slump though because I would hate for my last semester to be the one that holds me back after so long. However, I’m also scared to be getting out of school and starting a career. Maybe I’m self-sabotaging myself because I’m nervous. I like my current part-time job enough and wouldn’t mind staying there for a while, but I know I need to get out into the real job world and try to get a better paying, more stable job.

Now that that’s all off my chest, I at least have one positive thing to look forward to. Well, two I guess. The first is that Cyberpunk 2077 comes out in a couple of months. I preordered that game like a year ago, so I’m excited for that to finally release lol. The other thing is that I actually managed to get a ps5 preorder. As a long time playstation fan, I’m super excited. It’s kind of exactly what I need in my life right now. A bit of fun in an otherwise bleak and boring reality. I can’t wait for it to arrive.

Sorry for the long rant, if anyone actually reads this. I just had a lot to think about lately.

[kyrenrayne69]

9.9.2020, 7:38am

I haven’t posted on here in a while, but I’m back today because I just really need to get something off of my chest.

Yesterday morning, one of my dogs passed away. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it because I don’t want to make my family members sad and I don’t want to seem like I’m seeking attention by talking about it to anyone else.

This dog, her name is Bennie, and she was my first dog ever. When we first bought our house and moved in, our aunt gave her to us because we decided that we wanted to have our own dog. This was over ten years ago. Prior to that, my aunt had her for probably at least five years. She had been in the family for a long time, and I really miss her.

Yesterday was just awful. I woke up around 3 and she came running to me like normal, happy and wagging her tail. She ate some cat food, as she always did. It was like a treat to her. She wasn’t supposed to eat it, it was for our cats, but Bennie was our princess, so no one ever told her no.

But then things took a turn for the worst around 5:30, so we took her to the vet as soon as they opened at 8. We’d seen her behaving how she was before, and normally we just gave her arthritis medicine the vet had prescribed her. We had just assumed her arthritis was getting worse and that the vet was just going to give her a steroid shot and maybe up her medicine.

I didn’t tell my family this because I didn’t want to upset them, but that morning, when I was sitting on the floor in the living room with her while she was whining in pain, I could sense something different. Almost like I knew what was coming.

The vet told us what was wrong, and that she probably wasn’t going to last long. So we took her home to let her pass in peace. We tried so hard to make her comfortable and keep her warm, so maybe her body temperature would rise again and she’d recover. But she didn’t. She passed right in front of us. I missed her immediately.

It just didn’t seem real. It still doesn’t. It just never seemed like she was ever going to leave us. It hasn’t even been a full day without her, but it’s just awful. Everything just feels so off. Like the house is empty without her. We just aren’t complete. I love our three other dogs, but it just doesn’t seem right without our fourth.

I especially miss the small things. Like when I went to make my dad’s coffee this morning. I didn’t hear her hop off her chair, shake her collar when she stretched, and then her nails clicking on the floor as she walked to greet me good morning. She was the only one of our dogs who slept in the front of our house at night, so now that whole half of our house just feels unnecessary.

I really just miss her so much. I don’t know what to do without her. And I’m worry that my eldest dog isn’t going to know either. She grew up with Bennie. She was basically an older sister to my dog. She was the only other dog my dog trusted and liked to be with.

The whole situation is just really depressing and I just wish she could be back here with us. That I could have one more minute of just seeing her be happy. I can’t stop crying for her.

Thank you, Bennie, for everything you shared with us. You constantly made us happy with your little shenanigans. I wish we could have given you an even better life because you deserved the world. I love you so much, pretty girl.

[kyrenrayne69]

8.7.2020, 8:55pm

Today I decided to look for some prints to order from artists I follow on twitter bc I’m trying to redecorate my room, so I was just browsing various artists’ online stores. I randomly decided to film myself doing it just to see what I look like on a regular basis (I’ve previously mentioned doing this when I eat, but haven’t done it in quite a while).

When I went back and watched the video I noticed a few things.

1) I honestly forgot about the camera and ended up not even remembering half the things I had done despite it only having been like half an hour since I’d done them.

2) It actually kind of made me feel better about myself. I found myself thinking that I wasn’t as ugly as I constantly think I am, and that my voice is more feminine than I usually think.

3) It did however make me really notice one of my crooked teeth. I have this one canine tooth that is pushed forward causing the one directly next to it to be pushed back (my mom and aunt both have one similar; it’s been like that since I was little- both my baby and adult teeth). It doesn’t bother me too much. Like I mean yeah I’d rather have straight teeth, but I’ve just kind of gotten used to it after about 20 years with it. Anyway, after looking at myself for nearly 30 minutes, I couldn’t help but keep drawing attention to it and thinking wow, this is how people see me. How could they not notice my weird tooth?

But all in all, recording myself and watching it did kind of make me feel better. Maybe because I didn’t feel so alone (which is very sad lmao).

[kyrenrayne69]

7.29.2020, 9:36pm

Random little thing.

One thing I talk about alot on here is my weight and my eating disorder because I obsess over them irl. I really just wanted to talk about this, despite having just posted a regular update.

So like I’ve said before, I am not skinny. I hate the way I look and wish I were skinnier. However, I am currently at a weight lower than I have ever been (besides as a child obviously).

I covered my face in both pictures which takes away some of the noticeable differences, but this is me wearing the same outfit not quite a year apart.

Since the picture on the left (August 2019), I have lost nearly 25 lbs (shown in the picture on the right). Plus I had previously dropped an additional 15 lbs in the 6 months prior to that August.

Like I said, it’s not that noticeable because I was incredibly overweight to begin with, but the changes are definitely there. If you could see my face, my cheeks and chin have definitely thinned out. It may not be noticeable in the pictures, but my arms have also gotten skinnier, now showing shape and bone through the fat. You can see how loose the shirt has gotten on me since last year though (as it doesn’t cling to my chest/stomach as it used to, and the arms and neck are much larger/looser now- this shirt used to actually be a little tight on me tbh), and that’s definitely good.

I asked my sister about it and she said I look more tired now (lol), but that she thinks I’m happier and that I seem to have grown into myself.

I’m definitely not happy with myself (though I am always tired lol), but I do feel better weighing less than I’ve used to. I hope to be able to reach my weight goal eventually, and be able to overcome my stupid eating disorder (though now that y’all have seen me, you may understand why I don’t like to call my bulimia an eating disorder since I’m not also anorexic).

Anyway, that’s that. I just felt like sharing this pic as an update for my future self to look back on.

[kyrenrayne69]

7.29.2020, 8:48pm

So I was supposed to work closing today, but my manager asked me to come in and work all day instead, so I did. It was only a seven hour shift today, and I never mind working anyway, so it was no big deal. Well, since I worked a full day, we’re required to take a lunch break. I usually only eat once a day, so any time I have a lunch break, it’s kind of automatically bad for me.

Usually what I do is go to the dollar store next to where I work and just get a bag of raisins/nuts, a bottle of water, and a pack of gun. As usual, I have no self control, so today I got that as well as a small bag of chips. Despite feeling full about halfway through the bag of trail mix and knowing full well I was going to feel sick after my break, I ate all of the trail mix and the whole bag of chips. Here’s where things get fun. Normally after I eat lunch, no matter how little I eat or what I eat, I get a headache and have acid reflux.

Well today, along with my usual not-feeling-well-ness, I started having an awful feeling in my chest. Normally when my chest hurts, it’s the right side and caused by muscle pain/anxiety. But today it was more so the left/center of my chest. I suffered through the rest of the four hours of my shift, even having to run out to my car to get some medicine to make it through the day.

The pain would go away and come back randomly throughout my shift. After we closed, I went and ran two quick errands, the feeling in my chest still bothering me. Even when I got home, I was just feeling awful.

The thing about this feeling in my chest is that I’m not quite sure how to explain it besides that it just makes me feel ‘not right’, Like it’s not so much a pain, but just a weird feeling. And I’m sure the fact that I’m worried about it is causing me to be anxious and making things all the more worse. I off and on feel like I’m going to throw up or start crying. It’s bizarre.

I took a xanax when I got home and had a bit to eat. I didn’t make myself throw up today because my dad insisted that’s what was causing it. I’ve calmed down quite a bit, but occassionally the sensation comes back. Like even now I have that discomfort in my chest. I just wanted to get this out, so that I’ll have it for reference later if need be.

I’m about to go lay down and play switch or watch tv. I know it’s lazy and I hate that feeling, but I’m hoping calling it an early night will help me get over this and I’ll feel better in the morning.

Quick side note though- I don’t think it’s covid or anything. Like it’s not a lung/chest discomfort that I would associate with coughing or anything. I’m pretty sure it’s just my muscles, anxiety, and heart.

[kyrenrayne69]

7.27.2020, 7:50pm

For the past couple of days, my dad has been going on these long tangents about how he wishes I would get medical help for my depression because he doesn’t want to see me looking back and saying that I wasted my life being depressed. In that same breath, he gets pissed at me for opening a letter from our car insurance company that was under his name. Yes, I understand the letter was made out to him, but here’s the thing. 1) I would never open any of his other mail, including another letter he got today. 2) He always lets me open the letters from our insurance anyway. 3) I’ve been in two car accidents, so when I see we get a letter from our car insurance, I get nervous. Anyway, so he calls me into his room all angry and is like ‘Why the hell would you open a letter under my name?!’. I calmly give him my aforementioned reasoning. He continues yelling at me, suddenly switches topics to something else, and makes me sit in there while he rants about something unrelated to me. Once he’s done he goes, ‘You wanna open this other letter to me then?’ in a real sarcastic, asshole-y tone. I, absolutely sick of his shit, just walk out. I hear him, in that same voice, say, ‘Oh no?’ and continues talking to himself about him being pissed at me.

He’s so fucking fake and two-faced. I hate when he pretends to be concerned about me. Like if you were really concerned about my mental health and the fact that I’m constantly depressed, you wouldn’t lose your shit on me at the drop of a hat. You would maybe try to actually be a little more understanding instead of just pretending to be when it’s convenient for you.

My sister always tells me that I’ll feel so much better once I move out and get away from him and can have my own life. But I don’t know when that’ll be. I’m so scared that I’m not going to be able to take care of myself.

[kyrenrayne69]

7.26.2020, 9:06pm

Still alive and still very stressed. It feels like life just keeps throwing shit at me every time I start to get things under control. Please give me a break, life. I can handle very little.

[kyrenrayne69]

7.15.2020, 10:25pm

Didn't feel like talking about this in any more detail bc it's bumming me out, but still wanted to have these feelings documented on here bc I know I'll prob delete them from my personal Twitter once I'm done being a baby.

[kyrenrayne69]

7.14.2020, 9:07pm

I'm not sure what's been up with me lately, but I've been crying almost constantly. And it seems to be triggered by even the smallest, most random things. For example. Yesterday I noticed I had two bumps in my mouth that were hurting (I was worried they're caused by my bulimia, so that's another stressor. I worry so much about getting mouth cancer or something.). Anyway, I went through today without doing anything about it because by the time I got off of work, I had basically forgotten about it. Well, once I got home, it started hurting again (despite trying my hardest not to make myself throw up). I finally decided to run to the store to get some medicine because the pain was becoming unbearable (moreso in the annoying sense, rather than the actual pain sense). I go to the store and they don't have what I need, and all of the other stores that would have it are closed already. So as soon as I get back in my car, between the pain of my mouth and just my fucked up brain, I started crying again. And I'm still crying of course. I really don't know what's causing it. I just feel like I'm so depressed lately and I'm upset over stupid things, but I can't help it. I just feel like I need to let out a huge sigh to get this weight off my chest and it would somehow make everything better. Idk.

[kyrenrayne69]

7.13.2020, 8:41pm

Yesterday night I told my dad that I had been feeling depressed lately and that I was feeling especially anxious about my future, and that something he'd made me watch with him (Jenny Slate's Netflix stand-up special tbh) had made me feel even sadder. The only reason I had told him this (bc normally I don't talk to anyone about my problems) is because he was being pissy because he just thought I was mad at him for no reason. Instead of being understanding or comforting, he just gets even more mad when I tell him I'd rather be alone for the evening because I need some alone time (my mind was a mess and I couldn't really deal with anything in that moment), but he still makes me stay in the living room and watch TV with him (a common occurrence. I'm not sure why he can't let me do my own thing. I understand I live in his house, but I'm an adult). Anyway, he falls asleep so I go to bed. I wake up just as depressed as I had been, if not more honestly. I clean the house while he's asleep and then return to my room, staying in there alone (crying in silence). I hear him get up and do his own thing. He doesn't check on me, which I'm used to, so it doesn't bother me and I guess I like it because it means he won't be mad at me. When he finally comes to talk to me, he asks if I want to go pick him up some food. I say something along the lines of "if you want me to," but as I was upset and had been crying, my voice sounds quiet. Instead of asking what's wrong or anything, he gets mad and storms off. This sets me off even more and I can physically feel myself fall further into my depression. Thank God my manager texted me and asked me to come into work almost immediately after this happened. I agree, hoping that getting out of the house will make me feel better. I tell my dad I'm leaving and he's still being short with me, so I just leave. Work wasn't a good distraction and I was still feeling horrible. Before I left work I texted him and asked if he still wanted me to pick him up food. He said, "I don't care. Whatever you want." Which means he's still pissed. When I got off, I cried all the way home and sat in our driveway crying for probably 45 minutes. When I finally came inside, I stood in silence at our doorway for another ten minutes. At that point my dad finally came out of his room and saw me, so I pretended I had just gotten home. He didn't say a single to me, so I knew he was still mad at me (for some unknown reason. If I'm missing it, please tell me.). I go back to sitting in my room, trying not to cry. He comes by my door and pointedly tells me to remember to take out the trash then goes back in his room. I do so, but stop by his room to ask if some blinds that were in a box were trash. He says "The blinds in front of the trash can?" I say "The ones on the floor in the kitchen" as they were not in front of the trash can. He proceeds to raise his voice, repeating numerous times "THE BLINDS IN FRONT OF THE TRASH CAN? ARE THE BLINDS IN FRONT OF THE TRASH CAN TRASH?" and I get tired of it, so I just mumbled "Okay, so yes," and leave. After taking out the trash, I've just been sitting in my dark room in silence. He comes out of his room, tells me to take care of our pets, and then asks if I'm going to eat some leftovers that we had in the fridge. I say "you can have them all," implying that no, I was not going to eat them. In an angry tone, he says "That's not what I asked," and throws them back in the fridge. I haven't been hungry today and probably won't eat. Since then I've (say it with me now) just been sitting in my dark, silent room, crying to myself. I'm basically just sitting around, waiting for it to be an acceptable time for me to try to go to sleep. I only decided to type this out because I have nothing else to do and it's as close to a distraction as I'm gonna get.

[kyrenrayne69]

7.8.2020, 7:52pm

I visited my grandparents’ house today. Every time I see my family they make comments about how they can really tell that I’ve lost weight, despite me still being overweight of course. I never feel happy or proud or anything when people say things like this to me though. Because I never feel like oh, they can tell that I’ve made progress. It’s more of a oh, thanks for noticing my eating disorder kind of thing. I don’t know.

[kyrenrayne69]

7.8.2020, 5:06am

Continued early morning thoughts. Pardon my even more awful hand writing. I wrote this in the dark without my glasses on.

[kyrenrayne69]

7.7.2020, 10:50pm

Another handwritten journal because I'm having a rough night.

[kyrenrayne69]

6.29.2020, 12:50pm

I physically wrote this one down because I was dealing with some shit this morning. Things have just really been fucking going wrong in my life lately, especially today.

Side note. People with normal brains- Do y’all ever think of killing yourself just to spite someone?