Stuff I've Actually Heard People Say
"Yeah, I just stuck him in the microwave."
"My friends and I have planned a murder for after school. Any tips?"
"You have another arm?" "Dude, everyone has two arms."
"It's simple, you just gag them and throw them in the trunk!"
"To heck with paleontology."
"Can you imagine if Velociraptors had wings?" "Well, actually-"
"Guard it with your life." "My knife?"
"First, you need have no life, Second, sell your soul to Adele."
"Feet; they're hands for your legs."
"Wow, those sure are some nice fish scales on your facial protrusions." "You really know how to sweep a girl off her feet."
"It's not even good garbage."
Teacher to the class: "Guys, I'm sorry but uh... my dog ate your homework." *Passes back chewed-up papers*
"Woah, Dude, is that Harambe on your lock screen?" "Dude, that's my dog."
"Can you imagine just walking up to someone and slapping them in the face with a piece of meat?"
"Hey man, got any gum." "Nah dude, I'm about to kill myself." "I'm not sure how those are related, but okay."
"You're made of good dirt."
"Stop breathing so much."
"All my drawings look dead inside because I am dead inside."
"I didn't have lunch this morning."
"I have a strong desire to make dictators dance."
"Is this revenge for the octopus at the fair?"
"Embrace your inner childhood." "Embrace? You've got yours in a headlock!"
"Make sure you have Target popcorn at my funeral."
"And fill my coffin with glitter."
"I put the 'fun' in funeral."
"Oh my gosh, someone is going to get punched in the throat."
"I could do math in the time it's taking this light to change."
"We were both crying; it was fun."
"It's Halloween! Merry Christmas!...Wait."
"So like, if a centaur got arrested, would you handcuff its' legs?"
"Yeah, and I like the smell of farts."
"I stuffed your heart in my pencil bag, so I won't forget."
"Life sucks, but at least I have my Poptart."
"I want to build a mirror out of spoons."
"Joke's on you, I don't have a soul."
"Boy howdy do I like eating leaves off the ground."
"I'd rather be burnt toast than frozen bread."
"When I die, bury me in a Hefty bag... but make it a pretty color."
"I just got a great idea." "Dress up as Batman and beat up ____?"
"Oh yeah, the guy with the head on his neck."
"I just choked on an oat."
"You're a substitute for a good friend."
"Dude, I once dropped a breakfast burrito on the garage floor, and I still ate it."
"We never go stale. Unlike our jokes."