LadyFilm

My best friend is my television. It is closely followed by Neil Degrasse Tyson and sweatpants. Occasionally I am clever, but mostly I talk about snacks and the Bachelor.

[ladyfilm]

Sprout of the Day comes in the form of this Acorn Squash & Sprout bake that’s paleo, vegan, and totally delicious. The key here is the sauce, which basically contains every ingredient in my kitchen, but was worth it!

 Found via Pinterest on The Healthy Foodie

[ladyfilm]

Bachelor in Paradise, Episode 4: Drug Lifestyles and Loud Farts

I’m only a few episodes into this season, but already the recapping feels less like an accident and more like a personal dare. Much like eating an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting, I regretted the decision about 3 minutes in, but I’m not giving up. Words (and pictures and gifs and montages of sunsets) cannot describe how much I TRULY, DEEPLY, OBESSIVELY LOVE THIS FREAKING SHOW. It has everything. Full stop. So let’s just take a deep breath and enjoy another heaping spoonful of Paradise...

How has it taken FOUR episodes for someone to say they’re here “for the Right Reasons”(tm)?? Also, when it comes to B in P--which is what I’m calling it forever starting rightnow--what exactly ARE the “Right Reasons”? Is it ForeverLove? Is it getting your mack on? Is it taking video of a bunch of crabs on the beach? Juelia’s right reasons are to find love, “because it’s the most important thing in life”. I thought it was s’mores, but agree to disagree, Juelia.

Jonathon, meanwhile, is super pouty because he spent “ALL THIS TIME” with Juelia and then she *dared* to go on a date with another man. Yiiiiiiiikes. Girl, RUN. Especially because you seem to be enjoying THE MOST BORING DATE IN THE UNIVERSE with Joe. Even while she’s straddling him in the water, I can’t muster more than a “meh” for these two.

OH NO LADIES, WATCH OUT. It’s Joshua and his Drug Lifestyle!! Oooooooh. I am so confused by this plot line. Is he a victim of Reefer Madness, or does he hate the drugs? Tenley is just so conflicted I almost feel bad for her.

Let’s take a moment to salute the bartender who has to serve these people about 50 margs a day and, in this particular case, listen to some really half-assed pickup lines that seem to work for no reason. When they’re talking about Ashely I peeing in the ocean, just look at the bartender’s face--he’s trying so hard not to fall over dead from this conversation.

Carly you hilarious bundle of facial expressions, can you just follow me around and make glorious reaction faces? Please? Just maybe lose the overalls.

While Jared and Clare are flirting on the beach, Joshua and Tenley look so completely done with each other. It’s wonderful and also a bit ridiculous. The only thing this group is missing is someone playing guitar badly around the fire...get your act together, Chris Harrison.

AND THEN Clare gets the date and THE WORLD ENDS. Fire, brimstone, the whole shebang (pun unintended). Ashley starts crying because she’s her ,and Carly just stares off in the the middle distance while trying to be nice. God bless this girl.

So the big Jared-Mikey-Clare-Ashely thing is...surprisingly less dramatic than I thought. The big twist in my book is that Mikey is a HUGE DICK to Clare. I mean, just awful. It’s the caveman brain back from the past: “Me want girl. Me no hear girl because me not handle rejection well at all. Me get mad at girl. PAY ATTENTION TO ME.”

And to close out another stellar evening, a series of statements that are as ridiculous as Joshua’s show-stopping drug addiction:

“JJ is a good man”

“Do it, take a mind break”

“Jared’s got these, like, juicy lips”

“She’s 34. HER EGGS ARE ALMOST DEAD”

“Mikey’s wedding vision board is just...ruined”

[ladyfilm]

Bachelor in Paradise 2, Ep 3: Joe is Awkward, Ashely is Sad, Crabs are everywhere

HELLO SILENT FOLLOWER. Singular, I’m sure, since I’ve been dormant for oh so long. But only one great and powerful force of nature could bring me out of blog-tirement..BACHELOR. IN. PARADISE. Oh swoon.

Now, I know this recap says “Episode 3″, and that’s because, well, that’s where I”m starting. The first episode of any Bachelor(...) show is always just the setup, where we get to hear about dumb timewasters like “hopes” and “dreams” and “optimism”. PSH. In this case, the first actual rose ceremony wasn’t until Episode 2, so I’m considering the 3rd ep to be the One True Place To Start. Shall we, then?

First off, let’s state the obvious: The Iaconetti Sisters. They’re ridiculous. We all know girls like this who somehow miss the point of everything and end up crying but for a totally different reason. Forget the Kardashians--Ashley and Lauren are bringing back all the high-low points of Pretty Wild (NEVER FORGET)

Now, the more I watch this show in particular, the clearer it becomes to me that not only does every cast member think 11th grade was the coolest time of their lives, but the producers agree. Everyone just sits around staring at each other, drinking and talking about whether people not in the room are making out (which they usually are, but to a much less exciting degree than the people talking about them think). In this painfully extended metaphor, Ashley and Lauren are the JV cheerleaders who show up at parties just to talk about how over the party they are.

The producers are not to be trusted, of course. But that’s due to their weird obsession with B roll footage of crabs and literally no other reason.

I’m going to write this every week until Chris Harrison acknowledges this statement publicly: ASHLEY S IS A NATIONAL TREASURE. Her ability to look ***flawless while responding to statments like “It’s always the crazy ones with “I would know” is just more than anyone could ask for. She should be on all television shows ever.

Things Lauren has said (or Ashley claims for Lauren) this episode:

She hates being around people

She wants babies

She has a boyfriend who has a girlfriend

She wants Joshua to show up

She wants a Xanax

She is hilarious

I am EXHAUSTED by these girls. Maybe they are filling up the space left by Juelia’s total lack of...well, anything. She seems lovely. That’s all I’ve got.

Further proof this is High School, v2: JJ’s ability to look at the camera and say that he’s “Basically in a relationship with Tenley”. Also, Tenley’s response to being asked out was automatically “I love night out on the town”. Singular.

...is “gave her his rose” a euphemism for something? If so, it’s either really puritanical or REALLY DIRTY. Ew. 

CAN JOE NOT READ. Or is he just making terrible jokes? And why do we go from Joe barely reading at a 3rd grade level to Jared staring at the camera like it’s the last bottle of sunscreen? I would suggest that the producers are phoning it in, but considering that the Bachelorette’s last 2 episodes were filmed more or less in one room, they shouldn’t be slacking off like this. DOUBLE TRUE with the ol’ Racoon shtick. Leave Claire ALONE.

Once Juelia steps up when Joe asks Literally Anyone Who Can Hear Him out on a date, I started feeling a little worse for saying stuff about her like 3 paragraphs ago. But then suddenly Jonathan has been saying horrible things about all the ladies (well, it sounds like he thinks he’s being complimentary) and gets all  I AM OPEN TO FALLING IN LOVE WITH THIS WOMAN DON’T GO and I’m distracted from apologizing.

I have never understood how these people live in such squalor in the dorms. In theory you are all adult-like Humans. MAKE YOUR BEDS. You don’t even have to make the bed, but just pick the sheets up off the floor!! (sponsored by Moms everywhere, who definitely taught you better than this). I might be the only one focusing on this while Joshua and Tenley mack it on screen.

I refuse to believe that none of these people have every taken recreational drugs before, let alone talked about taking recreational drugs. YOU CAN’T DATE HIM, HE LIKES THE DRUGS BAD EVIL STRAIGHT TO HELL. Notice that Jared is absent during all of this...(I think I’m going to just sit around and start unfounded rumors about Jared for fun)

WHAT FUN WE HAVE, GUYS. DRUGS AND DRUG-SHAMING AND DATING PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY ARE CONVENIENT! I need a break before I can watch the next one

Some things that happened this episode that the cast should be embarrassed about:

Joshua thinks Tokyo is in China

Carly says that Joe is so awkard that “it’s like the Twilight Zone”.

JJ pronounces it “Jaw-shoo-UGH”

Joe makes multiple jokes about riding girls like horses

JJ says “I am so wrapped around the axle that is Tenley”

[thisjabroni-deactivated20150412]

[nbchannibal]

*whispers* graduated cylinder

[ohdeargodbees-blog]

So. Let’s do a little experiment.

After keeping a folder on my desktop for the last couple weeks called “another day at the office” that I save shitty comments in, I’ve been wondering what to do with them. I was thinking I’d eventually make some kind of weird art thing with them, but finally I think I’ve got it.

Here is a bingo sheet. The comments are all ones I’ve seen hundreds of times on articles written by or featuring women, and all are pulled from Another Day At The Office. They all focus on shitty things directed at women SPECIFICALLY. Obviously, Attention Whore is the free space. 

Let’s fill these out every time a *major* games press outlet features a woman as a subject or writer of an article, and the article has more than 24 comments. 

Furthermore, if you find an article on a man that actually gets bingo, let’s compare how often that happens vs when it happens with women. 

Let’s keep track of this and be ready to shove it in the faces of anyone who says that harassment has nothing to do with gender. Let’s do it when they say it doesn’t happen. 

Let’s play a game. This is basically the Bechdel test but for comments sections. 

[normal-rainbow]

The following is a crowdsourced poem, its lines excerpted from the messages of men writing in to defend their balls. Please read it as a continuous composition. The poem will be updated periodically. Thank you for your time.

do you want to know why guys cant close their legs as much as women?...

[danazemack-blog]

[neil-gaiman]

Do not watch this if you are offended by the Daily Mail, tabloid newspapers, or nipples.

Amanda addresses the recent Daily Mail article on her Glastonbury Festival “nipple slip"… as directly as possible, through the medium of song.

[ladyfilm]

WARNING: Contains nudity. Also, awesome rhyming, jokes, and general "sticking-it-to-the-man"-ness. 

[femfreq]

Hard to believe this ATARI Home Computers commercial with its surprisingly feminist message was actually broadcast on television thirty years ago in 1983.

[ladyfilm]

Steps to being AWESOME:

1.Go on famous news/comedy (Stewart would want the "comedy" part in there) show. 

2. Tell them their opening credits feature a globe spinning backwards.

3. Return to program and watch new opening credits with smug satisfaction.

DO NOT MESS WITH NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON, PEOPLE. The day that he starts selling his space vests (in conjuction w/ Bill Nye's bowties, of course), will be the greatest day in the history of the world. 

[springbreakersofficial]

“A little sun can bring out your dark side.”

[ladyfilm]

I'm embarassed how excited I am for this. 

[ladyfilm]

Bachelor, Blondecake Season Recap: In Which The Goat Comes Out Looking The Best Of Everyone

Not going to lie, Montana was a pretty great location pick. It's close enough that most of the girls know that it exists, but they still don't actually know WHERE it is. A perfect balance.

Pine Fresh!

Never call a girl wearing 3 shades of eye shadow on a hike "low-maintenance." Or do, and then buy a dictionary to look up what that word means. 

This one-on-one date is the worst thing ever. All they did was make out. While that must be fun for her, I got the memo like an HOUR ago. 

So I'm a little biased, because I love country music, but these concerts are super awkward. At least there were people this time, unlike last week when Leslie got sent home, and Sean did a lot of Pensive Sad Face.

This. You gave up THIS. Idiot.

This "Montana Wilderness Challenge" is hilarious for two reasons: Making Chris Harrison say semi-creepy things like "go touch your teammate" and "Buck the Hay" when we all know what he really means, and for making girls run in those standard knee-high boots that are 100% not made for activity. 

The fact that Sean keeps "breaking the rules" makes the show look even less realistic. But it ups the Pensive Sad Face quotient by a factor of 5, so win-win I guess? 

Two-on-one dates are always a hotbed of evil and cattiness. Jackie went HARD and made Tierra look slutty simply by suggesting that she looks at other men (GASP AND SHUDDER. This will be the only time I ever stand up for Tierra). 

Robin, I had such high hopes for you as the remaining minority contestant (I can't even call you the token minority b/c on the Bachelor the token minority is some half-Hawaiian girl with a deep tan). And then you had to go get all Sassy Black Lady. Nice try though!

And now, a few words for Tierra:

1. You do not "deserve" anything from this show. You've already gotten your camera time, that's all they owe you. However, this sentence has now prepared us for her inevitable third-act attention-grabbing stunt.

2. When you show up to things you were not invited to in the same shirt you've been wearing all day, you look like a crazy person. It might be because you ARE a crazy person, but I just thought you should know that it's showing. 

3. The trick where you laugh and smile while saying terrible things about other people? We can still hear you. 

4.She talks a lot about being "misled" and being "fair". In fact, all of the girls do. The overwhelming amount of "this isn't fair" conversations is beginning to get absurd. Fair is NOT dating the same man as your 15 roommates. Fair is NOT feeling entitled because you chugged goat's milk. I know it's hard to be trapped on national TV with a bunch of pretty people drinking wine, but jeebus, ladies. Get it together.

No need to cover the rose ceremony, we all knew how it was going to end. Doesn't ANYONE watch this show before going on?

AND THERE'S MORE TOMORROW!

Winning lines:

"Um, hello, this is your FATE, and your relationship with Sean. I would be a little more...Sober"--AshLee, about Tierra

"Weak people piss me off"--Lesley

"Sending you home didn't feel good'--Sean, via date card.

"When Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry."--Selma

"I'm so flustered, with my feelings and emotions!"--Tierra 

Heavy-handed Metaphors for LOVE: 3 (Helicopter, Fireworks, Drinking Goat Milk to "do anything for love")

[ladyfilm]

Caitlin Moran is a revelation in combat boots. Plus, her house is cool. 

[ladyfilm]

LEGO, more specificically the Lego City Advent Calendar, weighs in on the Greatest Debate of our time: Mac Vs. Pc. Guess they prefer Snow Leopard?

[ladyfilm]

"Nashville" Justifies its existence, 2 weeks in

I've been dropped out for a few months but I've definitely still tuned in, more so than ever with the new fall shows coming out. It's hard to admit, but I feel like this is a safe space, so I'll just put it out there:

I am obsessed with "Nashville". OBSESSED.

It's got everything: Connie Britton, Fake Slutty Taylor Swift (aka Hayden Panawhatsit's character), Country music, sparkly clothes, family drama, and of course, BLATANT SEXUAL TENSION. 

Look at all that sexy sexual tension. Sex.

Like any good TV drama, the show makes sure that there's plenty of LOV-AHS pairing up: Married-with-children Country queen Rayna James still tours with her ex, Deacon, who is also sleeping with Teen Dream Juliette Barnes, who is also sleeping with Anyone Who Can Help Her Be A Real Star. Juliette lures in Deacon under the pretense of "writing a song together", which we all know means THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX. Two attractive people of the opposite sex doing something together late at night is a blatant signal for romance  to anyone who has ever done one of the following:

Watched a Soap Opera

Watched any show on the CW

Seen any episode of "The OC"

Seen a poster for any romantic comedy made since 1992

Just glanced at a computer screen (it doesn't eve have to be on) ever.

But this is where "Nashville" gets GREAT. Instead of just letting that go, they take it the extra step and literally announce that Writing a song = Sleeping together. The actual scene, word for word:

Juliette: "Well, if you change your mind about the tour, the offer stands. And hey, we gotta finish writing that song."

Deacon: (nods creepily or lustily. Hard to differentiate.)

Rayna: "I can't believe she just said that in front of me. She's got about 500 miles of nerve"

Deacon: "I'm just writing a song"

Rayna: "Well I know where THAT leads. You and I used to write songs together too, remember?"

Deacon: "OH, I remember..."

So a sincere, hearty THANK YOU to Nashville. You are perfect and amazing and I will watch you always. Or at least until someone gets pregnant in Episode 5.

[ladyfilm]

Things Overheard at the 7:20pm Sunday Showing of "Magic Mike"

"I am so glad we are this close to the screen!"

"WOOOOOOO" (repeated. a lot)

"That's it? I wanted more sex!"

"There really wasn't a lot of dialogue in the movie"

[ladyfilm]

Forgetting the fact that it doesnt even make sense that will.i.am is participating in the Olympic Torch Relay, I cannot imagine what he is texting. This is a Poorly Timed Text Message, friend.