summary. 1988, michaelās fame is constantly peaking and everyoneās eyes on him ā especially the vultures who are nitpicking at every change in his looks. especially the change in his skin color.
content warning. self-consciousness and insecurity of physical looks (imichael feels insecure about his vitiligo), media slander, angst ā with comfort.
tags. angst, but then tooth rotting fluff after! michael is older than you. established relationship during thriller era.
āāāāāāā
Michael panted as he finished his show for the night, raising a trembling hand to the thousands of fans still screaming his name as he was hurried toward the waiting car.
His chest rose and fell beneath the black-and-silver jacket, every muscle burning from the final performance.
The crowd was deafening.
āMichael! Michael!ā
Flash.
Flash.
Flash.
Security formed a wall around him as he ducked into the back seat, the door slamming shut behind him with a heavy thud. Only then did he allow himself to breathe.
He leaned back against the leather seat, his head falling against the headrest as sweat rolled from his curls, down his temples and along the bridge of his nose.
āā¦Thank you,ā he murmured hoarsely to one of the guards before reaching for the napkin waiting beside him.
He dabbed absentmindedly at his forehead.
His cheeks.
His jaw.
The white cloth came away streaked with brown foundation, he looked down at it.
His heart skipped.
His fingers instinctively flew to his temple.
The makeup there felt thinner. Too thin.
He looked toward the tinted window just as another barrage of camera flashes exploded outside.
Flash.
Flash.
Flash.
One photographer lowered his camera for only a second before frantically pointing toward Michaelās face, saying something to the others. Their lenses turned toward him all at once, horrifying him.
Like sharks catching the scent of blood.
Michaelās stomach lurched.
He caught the faint reflection in the window ā a pale patch near his hairline.
Small, hardly noticeable. Yet somehow it felt enormous.
His hand shot up, covering it.
Too late.
The flashes came faster, all relentless. His security guard noticed immediately.
āClose the curtain.ā
The partition slid shut with a mechanical whir, cutting off the photographers outside. Darkness settled over the backseat.
Silence.
Except for the ringing still echoing in Michaelās ears.
He looked down at the napkin again.
Brown makeup. A faint, creamy smear where it had mixed with sweat. He folded it quickly.
Then unfolded it.
Then folded it again.
His fingers wouldnāt stop fidgeting. āā¦They saw.ā
No one answered. The driver kept his eyes on the road. The bodyguards respectfully looked away.
Michael swallowed, his throat painfully dry. āThey sawā¦ā
The words barely escaped above a whisper. He tried to convince himself it hadnāt been obvious.
Maybe the cameras hadnāt caught it.
Maybe it had been too dark.
Maybeā¦
But he knew cameras saw everything.
Tomorrow morning there would be enlarged photographs. Close-ups.
Circles drawn around every patch.
Questions printed in thick, glaring red headlines.
WHATāS HAPPENENING TO MICHAEL?
ANOTHER SHOCKING CHANGE.
He squeezed his eyes shut, hot tears burning his eyes.
He could already imagine people staring at those photographs over breakfast.
Speculating, laughing ā wondering what was āwrongā with him now.
A knot tightened in his chest.
Without thinking, he reached into the pocket of his jacket for the dark sunglasses he always carried. His fingers wrapped around them instinctively.
Then paused.
He was already inside the car, the lights off as he sat in the dark. No one could see him.
Stillā¦
He put them on anyway.
The familiar weight settled across the bridge of his nose like armor.
A habit. A shield. Anything to feel hidden.
His reflection stared back at him in the darkened window.
He looked away.
The city lights blurred past outside, streaking across the glass like smears of white and gold. He barely noticed them.
His mind had already wandered somewhere else.
Tomorrow the papers would have new pictures. Another reason for strangers to decide who he was. Another day of him slowly descending down an infinitely sinking hole.
His chest tightened until it almost hurt.
He pressed the heel of his hand against it, taking a slow, shaky breath.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.
It didnāt help at all.
For all the cheers heād heard only minutes agoā¦
For all the thousands of people chanting his nameā¦
The backseat of the car had never felt so unbearably lonely.
āāāāāāā
When you got back to yours and Michaelās hotel room after you went to the spa, you hummed when you saw him in his red Mickey pajamas, face planted down on the pillows on your side.
You chuckled softly, sitting on his side of the bed. Your warm hand gently rubbing on his back. āMikey? Iām back.ā
He lifted his head from your pillows, a sheepish smile on his face.
āI knowā¦I was just hoping that I could somehow doze off.ā
āSo you decided to steal my side of the bed?ā
āYes. Your side smells betterā¦ā He murmured as he blinked his lined, doe eyes.
You squinted your eyes. Your thumb wiped on his forehead. āHavenāt you taken off your makeup yet?ā
āNo!ā He suddenly sputtered out, sitting up. He breathed out when you looked surprised at his sudden outburst.
āIāI meanā¦I donāt knowā¦Iā¦ā He lost trail of his thoughts, his eyebrows furrowing as he bit his lower lip.
His hands rubbed and clasped together as he tried to soothe and regulate himself. His eyes shining as tears threatened to fall.
His hands even instinctively went up to his nose bridge as if to push up some imaginary sunglasses to hide the pain and sadness in his eyes ā but he couldnāt hide anything from you.
You moved across the bed and gently took his hands in yours, squeezing his larger ones gently.
āWhatās up, Michael?ā
He sobbed at that, his tears falling to his knees, his hair covering his eyes slightly.
You waited for him patiently, stroking his hands and massaging the tenseness away.
ā(Name)ā¦Arenāt you disgusted by me? Havenāt you read the papersā¦seen the news? Iām a monster, a freak! Thereās something wrong with me, (Name)!ā He cried out with such agony in his bleeding heart.
Your own heart broke at his cries and rants, of how the world kept saying that he was changing into something else ā something wrong, grotesque, and ugly.
All of these things weighed on him, all on his shoulders. He tried to face them and carry them for as long as he could, but the effects of it have already embedded their claws into his soul and heart.
It affected him so much that he refused to even let anyone see him without makeup on his face, thickly covering his skin ā hiding all the blemishes and all spots.
You then pulled away from Michaelās hands, wordlessly going to the bathroom and getting your makeup remover and some cotton pads.
You sat down next to him, setting them down next to you.
He sobbed, his body quivering. āNoā¦No, (Name)ā¦you canāt see me like thatā¦youāll be disgusted like them.ā
You cupped his damp cheeks, wiping away tears that wonāt stop falling.
āMichaelā¦ā
He shook his head frantically, almost child-like as he let out a choked cry.
āNoā¦pleaseā¦ā His voice splintered into another sob. āDonāt make me⦠please.ā
He grasped your hand on his face, placing frantic kisses on your warm palm.
āI donāt want you to leave meā¦ā He whispered desperately.
Your chest tightened.
Not because of what he thought he looked like ā but because somewhere along the way, the man the world adored had become so convinced that love was conditional.
You cradled his face between your hands, your thumbs brushing beneath his wet eyes.
āOh, Michaelā¦ā
He couldnāt meet your gaze.
His shoulders shook beneath the loose red pajama shirt as another sob escaped him.
āI donāt want you to seeā¦ā he whispered. āI donāt want you to look at me and realize theyāre right.ā
āThey?ā You whispered out.
āThe papersā¦ā His voice trembled. āThe photographers⦠the people who stareā¦ā He swallowed hard. āMaybe theyāre right. Maybe⦠maybe I donāt look like me anymore.ā
He laughed bitterly through his tears.
āSometimesā¦ā he admitted, āā¦sometimes I donāt recognize myself either.ā
Silence settled between you, not an uncomfortable one. But his confession definitely made itās mark in that silence.
You reached for the cotton pad, soaking it with the makeup remover before holding it where he could see.
āIām not going to force you.ā You said gently.
His watery eyes flickered toward it before dropping back to his lap.
āButā¦ā
You gently tucked one of his curls behind his ear, his head instinctively leaning into your touch.
āā¦if youāll let meā¦ā You said as you put the cotton pad near his face.
āā¦Iād like to help.ā You said with a warm voice.
His lip quivered.
āWhat ifā¦ā His voice was barely audible. āWhat if you hate what you find?ā
You smiled. A small, aching smile that reached your eyes.
āMichael.ā
He looked up.
āIāve seen you after twenty-four hour recording sessions.ā
A tiny sniffle.
āIāve seen you with the flu.ā
Another.
āIāve seen you wake up with your cute hair sticking in six different directions.ā
The corner of his mouth twitched despite himself.
āAnd?ā He muttered.
āAnd you were still the most beautiful man Iād ever seen.ā
Fresh tears welled in his eyes. He shook his head.
āThatās different.ā He said with a huff.
āNo.ā
āIt is.ā He insisted, eyebrows furrowing.
āIt isnāt.ā You assured him.
Your thumb stroked across the place where the makeup had already begun rubbing away near his temple.
āThisā¦ā
You rested your forehead against his.
āā¦is your skin.ā
His breathing hitched.
āIt isnāt your heart.ā You put your hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat slowing down.
A tear rolled over his cheek.
āIt isnāt your kindness.ā You rubbed his chest, feeling his skin warm up and flush underneath your soft touch. You moved your hand up to his jaw.
āIt isnāt your laugh.ā
āā¦ā
āIt isnāt the way you love and care for every animal like a disney princess.ā You rubbed his flushed ears.
His shoulders trembled, he let out a weak, boyish laugh at that.
āIt isnāt the way children run into your arms because they somehow know theyāre safe there.ā
āā¦ā
āIt isnāt the way you hold me when I have nightmares.ā
His eyes squeezed shut.
āSo tell meā¦ā
You kissed the tip of his nose.
āā¦how could a few patches of your skin ever make you ugly?ā
His breath broke into another sob. āThey keep staringā¦ā
āI know.ā
āThey whisperā¦ā
āI know.ā
āThey take picturesā¦ā
āI know, applehead.ā
āTheyāll print them tomorrow.ā
You nodded slowly. āThey probably will.ā
He looked at you in disbelief.
āYouāyouāre not saying itāll be okay.ā He said, his voice breaking.
āNo.ā
His brows knitted together.
āIām saying it already isnāt.ā You said softly.
His breathing slowed just enough to listen.
āThe way they treat you is cruel.ā
He stared at you.
āTheyāre wrong for turning your pain into headlines.ā You said to him, rubbing his jaw comfortingly. āBut remember this Michael ā they donāt get to decide what you are.ā
You gently placed the cotton pad in his hand.
āThey donāt know this man.ā
You squeezed his fingers around it.
āThey only know drama.ā
āā¦ā
āThey only know rumors.ā
āā¦ā
āThey only know photographs.ā
Your hand found his heart, resting over the soft fabric of his pajama shirt.
āBut I know the man whose heart is beating right here.ā
His face crumpled.
āYou knowā¦ā he whispered, āā¦when I was littleā¦ā
He hesitated.
āā¦Mother always used to wipe my face before bed.ā
Your eyes softened as he smiled a little.
āDid she?ā
He nodded, smiling through tears.
āSheād sayā¦ā His voice caught. āāMichael, youāve carried enough today. Let me take the rest off.āā
Your own eyes blurred, you sniffled a little too.
Without saying a word, you took the cotton pad back into your hand.
You held it up again.
āMay I?ā
This timeā¦he didnāt answer right away. He didnāt shake his head or try to face his head away from you so that you wouldnāt see him.
His fingers trembled where they rested in yours.
Then, after what felt like foreverā¦
He gave the smallest nod.
āā¦Okay.ā He said so quiet ā his voice as small and as soft as a dandelion.
You brushed the cotton pad across his forehead. The foundation lifted away in soft strokes. Neither of you spoke.
Another swipe.
Then another.
The subtle pale patches beneath slowly emergedānot ugly.
Far from itā¦he was beautiful. He was him.
His breathing became uneven again.
āI look strange.ā He said through a staggered breath, a sob threatening to leave his body.
You continued carefully, never rushing.
āYou look tired.ā
A faint laugh escaped him through his tears.
āI do?ā
āMhm.ā
āHow?ā
āYouāve been dancing for 3 hours straight, applehead. I donāt know what you expected.ā You stated the obvious warmly as he laughed, his giggles leaving his mouth.
Another wipe across his flushing cheek.
āBut youāve been carrying the weight of the world for much longer.ā You said softly.
His eyes filled again.
When the last traces of foundation disappeared, you set the cotton pad aside.
He kept staring at the floor.
Waiting.
Bracing himself.
You reached beneath his chin, rubbing the dimple in his chin affectionately.
āMichaelā¦ā You called out warmly.
He shook his head.
āI canāt.ā
āYou can.ā
āI donāt want to see your face.ā He said shakily.
āMy face?ā
āIf youāre disappointedā¦ā
Your heart broke all over again.
You gently lifted his chin until his eyes finally met yours. He was surprised.
There wasnāt disgust.
There wasnāt pity.
Only love.
So much love it nearly undid him.
You smiled at him, looking at him like he hung the moon and stars.
āThere you are.ā
His lips parted, his eyes searching your face for any miniscule of you lying ā to find nothing.
āā¦What?ā He breathed out.
āThere you are.ā
You brushed your thumb over one of the lighter patches beneath his eye as though it were as ordinary as brushing away a strand of hair.
āIāve been looking for this face all day.ā
A sob escaped him.
āI thoughtā¦ā he whispered.
āI know.ā
āI thought youād stop loving me.ā
You leaned forward until your lips rested softly against the pale patch beneath his eye.
Then another kiss against his temple.
Another against his forehead.
Another at the corner of his mouth.
Each one lingered and deliberate, revering and loving on every blemish and spot he had. He slowly felt like they werenāt flaws, but something to be proud of ā because he felt how much you loved him despite of it.
When you finally pulled back, your forehead rested against his once more.
āYou know what I see?ā
He shook his head.
āI see the man who stole my side of the bed because it smelled like me.ā
A shy laugh erupted from him.
āI see the man who still blushes when I kiss him.ā
His cheeks warmed instantly.
āI see the boy who still misses his mother.ā
He smiled, his big dark eyes shining.
āAnd I see the man Iām going to keep choosingā¦ā
You intertwined your fingers with his.
āā¦whether your skin changes a littleā¦ā
You kissed his knuckles.
āā¦or a lot.ā
His shoulders finally sagged, years of fear seeming to pour out of him all at once.
He collapsed into your arms with a broken cry, wrapping both arms around your waist as though you were the only thing keeping him together.
āI was so scaredā¦ā he sobbed into your shoulder.
You held him tighter.
āI know, baby.ā
āSo scaredā¦ā
āMhmā¦ā
āThey made me thinkā¦ā
āI know.ā
Your fingers combed slowly through his soft curls until his cries softened into quiet hiccups.
You rocked him gently, humming beneath your breath.
There were no cameras here.
No photographers trying to capture a bad angle of him.
No journalists yelling and asking intrusive questions about him, accusing him of malicious lies.
Only the steady rhythm of your heartbeat against his ear.
Only your arms around him.
Only your quiet voice in the stillness of your shared hotel room as the city bustled below you two.
āYou donāt have to hide from me anymore. Youāre beautiful, Michael.ā
And for the first time in what felt like foreverā¦
Michael felt beautiful.
āāāāāāā
The next morningā¦
You watched Michael eat breakfast with an adoring smile on your face, your chin resting lazily in your palm as your eyes followed his every little movement.
Morning sunlight streamed through the sheer curtains of the hotel suite, bathing everything in a warm golden glow.
The radio on the kitchen counter hummed softly in the background while the scent of fresh coffee and toasted bread filled the room.
Michael quietly stirred his bowl of oats, pretending to be completely invested in the task.
He wasnāt.
He could feel your eyes on him.
Every few seconds, heād sneak the tiniest glance in your direction, only to find you still smiling at him.
His cheeks slowly turned pink.
āā¦What?ā he mumbled, taking another spoonful.
You simply smiled wider.
āNothing.ā
His eyebrows knitted together. āYouāre staring.ā
āI know.ā
āā¦Why?ā
You tilted your head. āCanāt I look at my handsome angelface while he eats breakfast?ā You cooed out.
He nearly choked on his oats.
You reached over with a napkin, tryingāand failingānot to laugh as he covered his mouth, coughing softly.
āIām fine,ā he insisted, though his cheeks had deepened into a rosy crimson.
āYou sure?ā
āYes!ā He breathed out, embarrassed.
āYou donāt look very sure.ā You teased.
He huffed quietly, looking back down at his breakfast.
āYouāve been looking at me for⦠like⦠five minutes.ā
āWrong, Iāve been timing myself. Iāve been staring at you for 6 minutes, and 33 seconds to this moment.ā
His eyes widened.
āYouāre crazy, girlā¦ā
āEh.ā You shrugged with a relaxed smile.
He let out the smallest, most embarrassed laugh, shaking his head.
āYouāre impossible.ā
āAnd youāre beautiful.ā
His spoon froze halfway to his mouth. A bashful smile tugged at his lips despite his best efforts.
āā¦Stop.ā He said, embarrassed.
āYou stop.ā You retorted.
āIām serious.ā He laughed out despite his statement.
āSo am I. Youāre so beautiful.ā
His gaze dropped back into the bowl.
āYouāveā¦ā He cleared his throat awkwardly. āYouāve been saying that a lot lately. I mean you always told me before butā¦yāknowā¦I had makeup on all the time back then.ā
āMhm.ā
āā¦Why even nowā¦?ā
You reached across the table, brushing one of his soft curls away from his forehead.
āBecause you are.ā
He looked up.
Your thumb traced gently over one of the pale patches near his temple with the same absent tenderness someone might use to smooth a wrinkle from a loved oneās shirt.
āYou donāt hide from me anymore.ā
His breath caught.
āAnd I donāt think you realize how much I love seeing all of you.ā
His cheeks burned. Michael instinctively reached toward his face before catching himself.
Your hand slipped around his wrist.
āDonāt.ā You warned.
He looked at you questioningly.
āYou donāt have to cover your face every time I look at you.ā
His shoulders softened, a sheepish smile on his handsome face.
āā¦Old habit. ām sorry.ā
āI know.ā You smiled.
āIām helping you break it.ā You chuckled out softly.
The radio crackled softly before another song faded in.
A familiar bassline.
Michael immediately recognized it.
āā¦Oh, no.ā
Your smile became mischievous.
āOh, yess.ā
His eyes widened as the opening lyrics of Pretty Young Thing floated through the room. You slowly stood from your chair, swaying to the music.
āNoā¦ā Michael said, a smile on his face in disbelief.
You turned around and pointed dramatically at him.
āWhere did you come from, lady?ā
Michael immediately buried his reddening face in one hand.
āOh, come onā¦ā
You walked around the table, singing along with a grin.
āAnd ooh, wonāt you take me thereā¦ā
He was already laughing.
ā(Name)ā¦ā
āRight away, wonāt you, baby?ā
āYou know thatās not fair!ā
āIt absolutely is!ā
You stopped beside his chair, gently taking his chin between your fingers so heād look at you. His doe eyes met yours. Still impossibly shy.
āCāmon, let me see that smileā¦ā You coaxed out as he tried to keep his face straight, but failing miserably.
You smiled before softly singing the next line directly to him dramatically, pulling a huff out of him.
āI want to love you! Pretty young thing!ā
He groaned dramatically.
āNoā¦ā
āYou need some lovināā¦ā
He laughed so hard he nearly dropped his spoon.
ā(Name)!ā
āTender lovinā care!ā
He hid behind both hands now, shoulders bouncing with quiet laughter.
āAnd Iāll take you thereee!ā You sang out passionately, wiping an imaginary tear from your eye.
āI canāt believe youāre doing this.ā
āWell, believe it, baby.ā
āI wrote that song for you back thenā¦ā
āI know.ā
āSo why are you singing it to me?ā
You leaned down until your foreheads almost touched.
āBecause you are my pretty young thing.ā
He let out the loudest, most flustered laugh, shocked.
āIām not!ā
āYou absolutely are.ā
āIām twenty-nine!ā
āSo?ā
āIām not young! Iām older than you, baby.ā
āYouāll always be younger than me in spirit.ā You said, putting a hand to your chest.
He gasped in mock offense.
āThatās rude.ā Michael said as he raised an eyebrow.
āItās true.ā You hummed out.
He finally lowered his hands, revealing the biggest smile youād seen on him all morning.
One that reached his eyes.
One untouched by cameras.
Untouched by headlines.
Untouched by fear.
You couldnāt help yourself.
You cupped his warm face and admired him all over again.
The faint constellation of lighter patches across his skin.
The freckles and blemishes dusting his nose.
The sleepy curls that refused to stay neat.
Every piece of him was achingly familiar now.
Every piece was just beautiful.
He noticed your gaze lingering again and immediately ducked his head with another bashful smile.
āā¦Youāre staring again.ā
āI know.ā
āā¦You gonna stop?ā He said, rolling his eyes.
āNot a chance.ā
His laughter filled the hotel room once more, blending with the music on the radio as he reached for your hand beneath the table.
He laced his fingers with yours and gave them a gentle squeeze.
āā¦Good.ā
.
.
.
Note: Isnāt our Mikey just the cutest thing? Our P.YT. š Much love to all of you! ā¤ļø
This is my first fic here and the idea just came to me. It's going to be angsty with a happy ending i swear! Just wish this could actually happen in real life.
After the 2005 trials, he was never the same.
Michael has never been one who shares much about his businesses and his work. For years, you've been telling him to stop being nice to everyone, and to stop working with certain executives who are clearly vultures that just wants a piece of his money.
He always tells you that he's handling it. But there's always the constant media circus, the tabloids, and the pressure to go on tour, that are putting more and more pressure on him. You feel helpless because he doesn't listen to you anymore.
The kids have also started to notice that their daddy is always distant, almost like his head is elsewhere at all times. And you've been trying. You tried hard to bring him back. To bring his spark and joy back, to prove to him that his fans still loves him, that you still love him. That he has his family to support him.
But now, three years after his trial was over, you've realised that he's broken beyond measure. You missed seeing his genuine smile, to see him run around the backyard with the children. But you love Michael too much to even thought of leaving him behind. Michael is and will always be the love of your life, so you refuse to give up on him.
With the tour approaching next year, you also noticed that Michael has been sleeping less and less every day. Many nights you would wake up to go to the bathroom, only to find his side of the bed empty.
You'd always find him in his studio, trying to record a new song, or practice his old dance moves. Sometimes you think he's struggling to reconnect with that part of himself. The legendary Michael Jackson, who owns the best-selling album of all time. You can see it in his eyes, how he looked at his younger self in the photos, as if he's looking at a ghost. How youthful and how naive he'd been.
A few months before the tour starts, you started to notice more and more doctors visited your home. "They're trying to help me sleep," Michael always said to you whenever you asked.
You keep on seeing more pills on his bedside table. Sleeping pills to help him sleep and relax. More often than not, you feel like you can't help your own husband to take away his pain and to help him sleep. What more can a wife do, when you've tried hard to show him how loved he is? At the end of the day, Michael is still a man who thinks he can handle things by himself. His perfectionist side telling him to tackle every problem by himself and to only show the perfect side to the world and to his family.
Until one night, you were lying next to him. Michael just came back from his rehearsal for This Is It tour, which is due to start in two weeks. As usual, he always gives you a quick cuddle and a kiss to your forehead before he drinks his sleeping pills. As you slowly drift to sleep, you were awoken by the sound of rustling next to you. Being a light sleeper yourself, you turned around, only to see Michael struggling to breathe and you saw his chest heaving.
"Michael?," you tried shaking his shoulder. You received no answer but a ragged breathing from him.
"Michael, talk to me love."
When you saw his body started jerking side to side, panic mode kicked in right away and you moved to straddle him and saw his eyes were dilated. His body is going into shock and he's not breathing anymore.
Panicked and shocked, you started pressing your hands and started CPR as quickly as possible.
"Michael, baby, breathe."
He's still not breathing and your mind started racing, trying not to think that you're losing your husband in your own home.
"Baby, please, please come back." you kept on pressing his chest, trying to kickstart his heartbeat, even when your own heart is racing so fast and your mind can't think clearly. All you can think about is to make him breathe again.
Tears started flooding your eyes as you started screaming for help, never stopping your movement on his chest. Hoping one of the maids can hear you.
"Mom?" you heard Prince's voice from outside the door.
"Prince, I need you to stay outside, and call 911, quick!" screaming, you told your oldest son to call an ambulance. You heard shuffling from outside the room and a loud panicked voice "On it, mom!"
It felt like hours have passed while you keep on doing CPR to Michael, and your hands are starting to feel numb.
"Don't leave me, love. I can't do this without you. Please, Michael, come back to me. Just come back." you sound almost resigned but still not giving up. Tears are now running wildly through your face and you can feel your nose is getting clogged from crying.
"Please baby, I need you. I love you Michael. Don't leave me."
Then, finally, a gasp.
Michael blinked and jerked. His body came back to life, his heart started beating wildly again and you can feel it on your palms. He coughed and coughed and tears are streaming down his eyes. His eyes are still dilated and unfocused, but his breathing is starting to become even. You can only stare at him in shock. Willing yourself to believe that he came back.
"Love?" you heard Michael rasped from beneath you.
"Michael? Oh Michael" you wrapped your arms around his shoulder and released all of your emotions on top of his pyjamas. "I thought I lost you," you cried and your body shook so much as you struggle to come to term with what just happened.
"You- You went into cardiac arrest and I had to do CPR, I thought it was too late.."
Michael didn't speak for a while, he was still trying to understand what you were saying. "I- I stopped breathing?" He asked with shaky voice.
You've never felt more relieved to hear his raspy voice and you can only sob on his chest. "For a few minutes, I thought you were gone, Michael. I don't know what I'd do if you leave me just like that."
Michael's arm slowly flung towards your heaving body and hugged your frame. "I'm sorry, sweetheart." He sniffles while trying to comfort you.
A moment later, paramedics finally barged in the door, leaving Prince at the door finally looking at his parents in an embrace, crying and rubbing each other's backs.
You let go of Michael and started explaining to paramedics what happened. And they started taking vitals of Michael and putting an oxygen mask to help him breathe more.
Prince came running to you and hugged you while the paramedics are doing their job with your husband.
"Mom, what happened? I was scared something happened to you or daddy, but I did what you told me to do" He smushed his face in the crook of your neck.
"Oh Prince." you hugged him back, grateful for having a son who can support you. You slowly pushed his body away and looked him in the eyes, "Your daddy suffered a cardiac arrest but he's all fine now sweetheart."
"Daddy's okay now right?" His eyes looking sideways, at his daddy's figure in bed, with all the tubes and machines attached to his body.
"I'm okay buddy," Michael called from next to them on the bed and motioned for Prince to come to him.
He immediately let go of your hand and came to Michael, as they shared a short hug. Prince trying to avoid hurting Michael even more.
After the paramedics have checked all vitals, taken Michael's blood test and ensured everything is okay, they told Michael to stop consuming his sleeping pills at such a high dose as those are the thing that triggered his cardiac arrest. They left the room after their work is done, and you tucked Prince back to his bed, telling him to rest and not too worry too much.
You came back to the room and saw Michael sitting on the sofa, his head is hung down, seemingly trying to catch up his mind to what just happened to him in the past 2 hours. He acknowledged you coming inside the room as he can hear the soft click sound of the door closing.
"I'm sorry baby." he started, "I'm sorry that this happened, and- and I'm sorry Prince had to be the one to help you in an emergency. I should never have let my family saw that." He said in his soft voice with a slight tremor.
You crossed the room and knelt before him, trying to catch his eyes. He refused to see you in the eyes. So you grabbed his cheeks in your hands and force him to look at you.
"Mikey, you scared the hell out of me today. And you're right, Prince should never have saw all that. But I want you to know that I'll always be here, and you need to think of your children before doing something stupid like taking more pills than what's recommended" You explained to him, trying to make him understand just how reckless he was for relying only on pills to sleep.
"I'll throw it all away. The pills. I'm done."
"Good."
"And I'll call management tomorrow and tell them to postpone the tour. They can fight me however they want but I want to spend time with my family for now."
"Good."
"I swear baby, believe me that I won't listen to them anymore. Today just reminded me just how short life is and I don't want to spend my life constantly thinking of pleasing others when I have you and the kids already."
In that moment, you saw it in his eyes. His old spark, his fire, his soul. Your soulmate has come back to life. You didn't need to think twice, you pushed up towards his lips and kissed him.
Michael returned the kiss right away, hugging you at the waist as he stroked his other hand on your back. The both of you stayed in that position for a while until you parted first and tried to catch a breath.
"I love you baby. Thank you for always staying by my side." He said.
"Always Michael, I love you too." you smiled at him softly while stroking his cheek lovingly.
With that, you stood up and pulled him up.
"Let's have a cup of tea downstairs and we can drive to the hospital to double check your vitals." You tried lightening up the mood while making sure everything is all fine with Michael.
"Okay" He smiled at you, realising how blessed he is to have you by his side all these years.
ā type: this is a two-part series requested by an avid reader! @amilliongoodfish
ā genre: romance.
ā pairing: michael jackson in his mature era x foreigner!reader
ā contains: a tiny bit of age gap..? HEAVY TENSION between Michael and the reader. A heavy make out session. dryhumping, if youād really squint. Comfort. Strangers to something moreā¦?
SUMMARY: Going through a breakup made your life a mess, which is understandable. As any stressed adult would do, you headed straight for a bar. Unbeknownst to you, this decision could have been either the best thing that ever happened to you, or the worst.
(A/N: I had soooooooo much fun writing this! The reader who requested this had hinted at some smut, but I doubt Michael would engage in such an action immediately. (watch out for the 2nd part.) Therefore, I decided to create something suggestive, although not explicitly smutty. AGAIN, THIS IS NOT A SMUT FIC, BUT STILL VIEW WITH DISCRETION.)
PLAY LIST:
Luxurious by Gwen Stefani
Sad Girl by Lana Del Rey
Ultraviolence by Lana Del Rey
Heartbreaker by Michael Jackson (our baby)
By the third week after the breakup, your life had begun to fall apart in embarrassingly ordinary ways. Not dramatic enough for people to notice immediately. Just small things.
Laundry piling up because you couldnāt find the motivation to separate colors anymore. Coffee growing cold beside your bed because you kept forgetting you made it. Sleeping on one side of the mattress because the other still felt occupied somehow.
You still went to work. Still answered texts with dry little āLOLās and āIām fineās. Still smiled when people asked how youād been.
But grief had a strange way of hollowing you out quietly. Especially when it came from someone you built your future around.
You met Daniel when you were twenty-four.
He wasnāt breathtaking or mysterious. He wasnāt the kind of man women turned their heads for in restaurants. That was why you trusted him.
He was steady. Predictable. Safe. He remembered your coffee order. Held your hand while crossing streets. Kissed your forehead when you got headaches from working late. The kind of love that looked dependable instead of cinematic.
And maybe that had been enough for a while. Until it wasnāt.
The cracks didnāt appear overnight. Looking back now, you realized theyād been there for months ā maybe years. Tiny moments you ignored because loving someone often meant becoming talented at excusing things.
The way he stopped looking at you when you talked. The way his compliments turned absent-minded. The way your accomplishments became inconveniences to him instead of things worth celebrating.
You spent so much time trying to become easier to love that you didnāt realize how much of yourself you were shaving away in the process. Then came the final night.
Rain hammered against the apartment windows while you stood in the kitchen asking him the question you already knew the answer to. āDo you even want this anymore?ā
Daniel didnāt answer immediately. And somehow that silence hurt more than if heād screamed.
āI donāt know,ā he finally admitted. Three words. Three stupid words that destroyed three years of your life. You remembered laughing afterward. Not because it was funny.
Because there was something humiliating about realizing youād been fighting for someone who had emotionally left you months ago.
You remembered staring at him while thinking, Oh. You already gave up on me. The breakup itself wasnāt explosive. No plates shattered. No dramatic crying. Just exhaustion. Two adults sitting across from each other realizing love had rotted into obligation.
By the end of the week, half his belongings were gone. By the second week, your friends were encouraging you to āget back out there.ā By the third week, you found yourself sitting on your bathroom floor at midnight crying because his favorite mug was still in the cabinet. That was the moment you realized you needed to leave your apartment before it swallowed you whole.
Which was how you ended up standing outside a bar in downtown Los Angeles on a rainy Thursday night. You almost didnāt go in. The neon sign buzzed softly overhead while people laughed somewhere inside, and for a moment you felt ridiculous. Pathetic, even.
You werenāt someone who went to bars alone. You were someone who stayed home, made tea, and rewatched old movies under blankets.
But tonight, the silence in your apartment felt too hard to ignore. So you pushed the door open. Warmth hit you instantly.
The soft atmosphere drifted through the room beneath the quiet murmur of conversation. The lighting was dim enough to feel intimate without being sleazy, golden reflections dancing across polished bottles behind the bar.
Your mind wandered somewhere dangerous ā memories of Daniel laughing in your kitchen, Daniel asleep beside you, Daniel saying I donāt know like your relationship had become a chore he was too tired to finish.
Three years together, gone in one ugly conversation. And somehow, the worst part wasnāt even missing him.
It was the humiliation of realizing you had spent so long loving someone who had already begun leaving long before he walked out the door.
So naturally, like every emotionally exhausted adult in existence, you ended up at a bar at nearly midnight.
The place was dimly lit and expensive enough that nobody bothered each other. Jazz hummed softly through the speakers while crystal glasses clinked against polished wood. It smelled like whiskey, expensive perfume, and rain drifting in from outside.
You sat at the counter with your third drink and your dignity hanging by a thread.
āAnother?ā
You looked up at the bartender and sighed. āPlease.ā
āCareful,ā a soft voice beside you said. āThat fourth oneās usually where people start texting exes.ā
You turned your head, annoyed by the sudden strangerās intrusion into your personal affairs. āItās not your business to meddle on to my business.ā
He was taken aback by your casual demeanor. He couldnāt believe it. āWhat? I-Iām sorryā¦?ā
He felt flabbergasted.
Youād hate to admit it but he looked too pretty with those sharp cheekbones that softened slightly with age. Dark curls resting against the collar of a fitted black shirt. Silver rings catching the low amber lighting every time he moved his hands. There was something dangerous about how calm he looked, like he already knew the effect he had on people and had stopped pretending otherwise.
You stared for a solid three seconds too long.
āOh,ā he murmured, amused. āYou know who I am.ā
āHuh?ā You couldnāt place a finger on who he was. He acted like he personally knew you, or that he was some superstar. āDo I know you?ā
The man stared at you for a moment, visibly caught between confusion and amusement. āYou really donāt know who I am?ā
āNo?ā you answered flatly, taking another sip of your drink. āShould I?ā
A quiet laugh escaped him under his breath, almost disbelieving. āWell,ā he murmured, leaning back against the stool, āthatās a first.ā
You narrowed your eyes slightly at the smugness in his voice.āWhatās that supposed to mean?ā
āNothing.ā His smile widened faintly. āJust not used to introductions going this way.ā
You scoffed softly. āMaybe because you interrupt strangers at bars like you know them.ā
āOuch.ā His exclamation was genuine.
āYou did meddle.ā
āI made one comment.ā
āYou made a damn judgment.ā
His eyebrows lifted at that. Sharp. Defensive. Pretty. You hated that last part most.
The stranger tilted his head, studying you more carefully now. Not mockingly ā curiously. Like he was trying to figure out whether you were genuinely irritated or simply drunk enough to stop filtering yourself. Maybe it was both.
āAlright,ā he said after a moment, voice softer now. āFair enough. Bad night?ā You let out a humorless laugh. āBad month.ā Something in your tone mustāve shifted because his teasing expression faded slightly.
The jazz music hummed quietly around you while rain tapped against the windows behind the bar. For a moment neither of you spoke. Then he followed up with: āBoyfriend?ā he asked gently.
āEx.ā
āRecent?ā
āUnfortunately.ā
He nodded once, as if he comprehended more than he was willing to admit. āThat sucks.ā His expression didnāt convey mockery; it was all he could muster.
You stared down at your drink. āā¦Yeah.ā
The strangerās fingers tapped lightly against his glass. Silver rings glinted beneath the amber lighting. āHeās stupid, then.āYou barked out an unexpected laugh. āYou donāt even know me.ā A sigh had left his lips. āI donāt have to.ā His eyes met yours again. āAnybody crying alone in a bar this late usually got played hard.ā
Your chest tightened unexpectedly. That was dangerous. Not the flirting. The understanding.
You looked away first. Unfortunately, he noticed that too. āThere it is,ā he murmured.
āWhat?ā
āThe part where you pretend youāre tougher than you are.ā
You rolled your eyes, though weakly. āYou psychoanalyze strangers often?ā
āOnly interesting ones.ā
Heat crept into your face despite yourself. The stranger smiled immediately, catching it. āYou blush easy.ā
āYouāre annoying.ā
āAnd yet,ā he said smoothly, āyouāre still talking to me.ā
Before you could answer, the bartender returned with another drink. You reached for your wallet automatically, but the bartender shook his head.
āHe already covered it.ā
You looked sharply toward the man beside you. āI didnāt ask you to do that.ā
āI know.ā
āThen why did you?ā
His expression softened just slightly. āBecause you looked like you needed one.ā
āAm I that pathetic?ā A breathless laugh escaped your lips.
There was something unfair about the way he spoke. Calm. Smooth. Intentional. Like every sentence was chosen carefully before leaving his mouth. Older men shouldnāt be allowed to flirt like that. āYou do this often?ā you muttered.
āDo what?ā
āTalk women into trusting you.ā
A low laugh slipped from him. āTrust me?ā His eyes flickered over your face slowly. āSweetheart, you barely tolerate me.ā The nickname sent warmth straight down your spine. You hated that too.
The rain outside intensified, streaking the windows with silver. A few people began leaving the bar, murmuring goodbye beneath umbrellas and coats. You checked the time and sighed softly. Too late. Too drunk. Too emotionally exhausted to deal with the train ride home. āYou alright?ā he asked quietly.
āI have to get back to my apartment.ā
āYou drove?ā
āNo.ā
āGood.ā He stood smoothly from his stool, grabbing his coat. āIāll take you.ā
You blinked immediately. āWhat?! No!ā
He paused. āNo?ā
āYouāre still technically a stranger.ā His mouth twitched. āTechnically?ā
āYouāre attractive enough to qualify as suspicious.ā
That made him laugh outright. Warm. Rich. Real. āYou say things people normally donāt say to me.ā
āMaybe people around you are weird.ā
āMaybe.ā He slipped his coat on slowly. āOr maybe youāre refreshing.ā
You hesitated. Every logical part of your brain told you this was a terrible idea. You were tipsy. Emotional. Alone in a foreign city. And yet⦠Something about him felt strangely safe beneath all the confidence. Not harmless, definitely not harmless, but controlled. Like he knew exactly how much space he occupied around people. āIām not going to murder you,ā he said suddenly.
Your eyes widened. āI wasnāt thinking that!ā
āYou looked like you were considering escape routes.ā
āā¦Maybe a little.ā
His grin returned. āCāmon.ā He nodded toward the exit. āIāve got a driver waiting outside. Iāll take you home.ā
You stood slowly, grabbing your coat. āFine,ā you muttered. āBut if you kidnap me, Iāll be very upset.ā
āIād hate that.ā The rain outside hit cold against your skin as soon as the doors opened.
A sleek black car waited near the curb. You slowed slightly.
āā¦You werenāt lying about the driver.ā
āTold you.ā The driver stepped out immediately to open the back door, and you froze for half a second when you noticed how respectfully nervous he seemed around the stranger beside you. Who was this man?
You slid into the leather seat cautiously. He followed in after you. The door shut. Warmth surrounded you instantly.
For a moment, silence settled between you as city lights blurred across rain-speckled windows.
āSo,ā he said casually, loosening the collar of his shirt slightly, āyou really donāt know who I am?ā
You looked over at him up close in the dim car lighting, he somehow looked even prettier. Older, yes, but in a way that made him devastating instead of aged. Soft curls brushing his jaw. Long fingers resting against his knee. Tired eyes hidden beneath amusement. You frowned slightly. āYouāre famous?ā
āA little.ā
āThatās not an answer.ā
He smiled.
The ride should have felt uncomfortable. It didnāt. That was the problem. Rain slid down the tinted windows while the city blurred into streaks of gold and silver outside. The soft hum of the engine filled the silence between you, but it wasnāt awkward silence. It was aware silence.
The kind that thickened every time you accidentally looked at him. Or every time you caught him already looking at you first.
You sat with your coat folded over your lap while the stranger beside you rested lazily against the leather seat, one arm stretched comfortably near the window. The dim lights passing outside carved sharp shadows across his face, softening and sharpening him all at once.
He really was unfairly attractive. And worse ā he knew it.
āYou stare a lot,ā he murmured suddenly. Your eyes snapped away from his hands immediately. āI wasnāt staring.ā
A quiet laugh. āYou were lookinā at my rings for a full minute.ā
Heat climbed your neck. āTheyāre distracting.ā
āMhm.ā His voice carried amusement now. āThat why you keep lookinā at my mouth too?ā
You nearly choked on air. āI was notāā
āYou sure were.ā The smugness in his voice made you glare at him. Unfortunately, it only seemed to entertain him more. Damn.
You crossed your arms tightly and looked out the window instead, trying to ignore the warmth spreading through your chest from the alcohol. āYou always flirt this much?ā you muttered.
āOnly when itās working.ā
āItās not working.ā
āMmm.ā He tilted his head slightly. āKeep telling yourself that.ā
Your stomach flipped. You hated how calm he stayed saying things like that. Most men your age flirted too aggressively ā desperate to impress, too eager to prove themselves. But this man moved differently. Spoke differently. Patient. Like he already knew tension didnāt need to be rushed.
The car eventually slowed in front of an enormous high-rise building glowing against the rainy night sky. You blinked up at it. āā¦You live there?ā
āSometimes.ā That was not a normal answer.
Before you could question him further, the driver opened the door for you both. The rain had softened into a mist now, cool against your skin as you followed the stranger inside. The lobby alone looked more expensive than your entire apartment building. Marble floors. Gold lighting. Quiet elegance.
You slowed slightly beside him. āWhat exactly do you do for work?ā
The stranger glanced sideways at you, amused again. āYou ask a lotta questions.ā
āYou avoid answering them.ā
āThatās because itās funnier.ā
You rolled your eyes, but your pulse quickened when his hand briefly touched the small of your back to guide you toward the elevator. The contact lasted barely a second. Still, you felt it everywhere. The elevator ride upstairs was worse. Or better. You couldnāt decide.
The space felt too small suddenly, filled with the scent of his cologne and expensive wine lingering faintly on his clothes. He stood beside you with his hands in his pockets, relaxed as ever, while you became painfully aware of every inch separating you.
Then his eyes drifted toward you again. Slowly. āYou get quiet when youāre nervous.ā
āIām not nervous.ā
āYour breathing changed.ā
You stared at him. āAre you always this observant?ā
āUsually.ā
āThat sounds exhausting.ā
āFor other people maybe.ā The elevator doors opened before you could answer.
His penthouse looked unreal. Floor-to-ceiling windows overlooked the glittering city skyline below, rainwater streaking softly against the glass. Warm lighting glowed across dark furniture and polished wood floors. Somewhere low jazz still played faintly from hidden speakers, smooth and intimate. The entire place felt lonely in a beautiful way. Like it belonged to someone who hated silence but lived with it anyway.
You stepped further inside slowly. āThis place is so fucking crazy.ā
āYou think so?ā
āYou donāt?ā
He shrugged off his coat carelessly onto a chair. āIām used to it.ā There was something quietly sad about the way he said that. Before you could think too hard about it, he moved toward a sleek bar area near the windows. āWine?ā
You hesitated only briefly. āā¦Yeah.ā
He poured two glasses with practiced ease before handing one toward you. Your fingers brushed his accidentally as you took it. Both of you noticed. The tension shifted instantly. Subtle, yet unforgettable. You took a sip too quickly just to distract yourself.
He watched you over the rim of his own glass. āYou trust strangers pretty easy.ā
āYou brought me to a penthouse overlooking the entire city.ā You glanced around. āIf you were harm, I think Iād know by now.ā
His eyebrows lifted slightly. āThat confident?ā
āNo.ā You smiled faintly into your wine. āJust tired.ā For the first time all night, his teasing expression softened completely. He leaned one shoulder against the counter quietly studying you. āTired of what?ā The question shouldāve been simple. But something about the way he asked it made your chest ache. You looked down at your glass.
āā¦Feeling unwanted, I guess.ā
Silence. Not uncomfortable. Heavy.
The city lights flickered below you both while rain tapped softly against the massive windows. Then, āHe made you feel that way?ā You nodded once.
The stranger exhaled slowly through his nose, jaw tightening slightly. āHeās a damn fool.ā You didnāt caught on to what he said. āWhat was that?ā His eyes lifted sharply toward yours then. Dangerously sharp. āHeās a fucking fool. He didnāt know how to handle all of you.ā Your breath caught. āOh, shut up.ā
The room suddenly felt warmer.
He stepped closer now ā not enough to touch you, just enough that you became hyperaware of his height, his voice, the slow steadiness of his breathing.
āYou walked into that bar lookinā like somebody took pieces outta you,ā he said softly. āAnd somehow you still sat there polite enough to apologize to the bartender every time you ordered another drink.ā
Your heart thudded painfully. āYou noticed that?ā
āI notice everything about you.ā The sentence landed between you like a lit match. Your pulse stumbled. And for the first time all night, the flirtation stopped feeling playful. It became something slower. Heavier. You looked up at him carefully. He was already watching your mouth again. Your breath hitched slightly.
āYou keep doing that,ā you whispered.
āDoing what?ā
āLooking at me like that.ā
A faint smile touched his lips. āAnd howās that?ā
You couldnāt answer. Because honestly? Nobody had looked at you with that much attention in a very long time. Not hunger exactly. Not yet. Something worse. Interest. Real interest.
The stranger stepped closer again until you could smell the wine on his breath now, warm and sweet beneath expensive cologne. āYou know,ā he murmured softly, āyou get prettier every time you stop overthinking.ā
Your stomach flipped violently. āYou flirt too much.ā
āAnd you like it too much.ā His voice had dropped lower now.
Smoother. Like a Criminal.
The tension wrapped tightly around the room, thickening every second neither of you moved away. Then his fingers lifted slowly, Gentle. Careful. Tilting your chin upward just slightly. Your breath got caught instantly. His eyes flickered between yours before lowering briefly to your lips.
Not kissing you. Just close enough to make you think about it.
āYou should stop lookinā at me like that,ā he murmured. Your voice came out softer than intended. āHow am I looking at you?ā
His thumb brushed lightly against your jaw.
āLike youāre forgettinā somebody broke your heart tonight.ā
Your breath caught against his fingertips. The city glowed behind him in blurred gold lights, rain sliding down the massive windows while jazz murmured softly somewhere in the penthouse. The wine in your hand suddenly felt dangerously warm. And he was still looking at you like that. Like he already knew exactly what you were thinking. āYou keep getting quiet,ā he murmured.
āThatās your fault.ā
A slow smile spread across his face. āMhm.ā His thumb brushed your jaw again, softer this time, and your pulse skipped so hard it almost embarrassed you. You shouldāve stepped back. Really.
Every logical thought in your head screamed that this was reckless ā going home with a stranger, drinking expensive wine in his penthouse while he stood this close looking devastatingly calm. But logic had stopped mattering somewhere between the car ride and the way he said he noticed everything about you.
āYouāre thinkinā too much again,ā he said softly.
āYouāre very distracting.ā
āThat sounds like a compliment.ā
āItās a complaint.ā
He laughed quietly at that, the sound low and warm enough to make your stomach twist.
The tension between you had become unbearable now. Stretched so tightly that every tiny movement felt intentional. The way his eyes dipped briefly to your lips. The way your fingers tightened unconsciously around your wine glass. The way neither of you moved away.
āYou know,ā he said softly, āmost people get nervous around me.ā
You swallowed. āIām nervous too.ā
āNo,ā he murmured. āYouāre curious.ā That hit too accurately.
His hand slid from your jaw slowly, fingertips ghosting along your skin just enough to leave warmth behind. Then he took the wine glass carefully from your hand and set it aside beside his own.
Your heart started pounding harder immediately. He noticed that too, of course. āPlease tell me to stop,ā he said quietly.
āDonāt.ā
And somehow that felt louder than anything else. Your eyes lifted toward his again. Something dark and pleased flickered across his expression.
Then finally, he kissed you. Slowly. Not rushed, not messy. Just warm lips brushing yours carefully at first, like he was testing whether youād pull away. You didnāt. The kiss deepened almost immediately after that.
His hand slid gently to the side of your neck while yours instinctively caught against the front of his shirt, fingers curling into the soft fabric. The taste of wine lingered between you both, sweet and warm and intoxicating.
Fuck, he kissed like an older man. Patient and confident.
Like he understood that anticipation could ruin someone far more effectively than urgency ever could. A quiet sound escaped your throat before you could stop it. His grip tightened slightly at your neck.
āThere she is,ā he murmured against your mouth. The words sent heat straight through you.
You kissed him again before he could smirk about it, and this time he laughed softly into the kiss itself, clearly entertained by your sudden boldness.
The tension that had built all night finally unraveled between you both in slow, dizzying waves.
Your back brushed lightly against the edge of the counter without you realizing it, his body close enough now that warmth radiated through every layer between you. Still controlled. Still careful. But undeniably wanting. One of his hands slid to your waist, fingers spreading there possessively enough to make your breath hitch.
āYou blush every time I touch you,ā he murmured softly against your lips. āYou notice too much.ā
āMhm.ā Another kiss. Slower this time. āCanāt help it.ā
Your fingers moved upward instinctively, brushing lightly through the curls near the nape of his neck. The reaction was immediate. A low exhale left him as his eyes briefly closed. That tiny crack in composure nearly destroyed you. Because until now, heād seemed completely controlled. Untouchable almost.
But suddenly you realized he was affected too.
And judging by the way his hand tightened at your waist, he knew you noticed. āKeep doing that more and youāll see,ā he murmured.
āHuh?ā
āThe way youāre lookinā at me right now.ā
Your pulse fluttered wildly. āHow am I looking at you?ā
āLike you finally figured out you got power here too.ā The air between you felt thick enough to drown in.
Rain continued tapping softly against the windows while the city stretched endlessly below, but neither of you looked away from each other now. Not even for a second.
Then his forehead rested lightly against yours, both of you slightly breathless. And for the first time that night, his voice softened into something almost vulnerable.
āHey, how about you take a break now?ā His voice softened, a stark contrast to his usual taunting tone.
āMhmā¦ā Your eyes were heavy, and you couldnāt keep yourself awake anymore.
Michael, noticing your limp, gently carried you to bed while you were asleep and laid you down.
Michael absolutely delighted in the fact that you were unaware of his identity.
Could u perchance.. do an mj x reader fic whether itās before,during or after the Pepsi accident and Michaelās insecure to have us see him at first but eventually allows us to see him and take care of him š
So like a bit of angst and fluff
you're still you.
a michael jackson fic
summary ~ requested!
includes ~ angst // insecure michael // supportive reader
a/n ~ this one meant a lot to me! thank you for requesting this. also it's not proofread so bare w me if there are any mistakes.
When Michaelās mother called, she spoke so carefully that you knew something was wrong before she told you.
There had been an accident.
There had been fire.
Michael was conscious, she assured you. He was being treated. The doctors were taking care of him, and you should not panic.
You panicked anyway.
By the time you reached the hospital, the story had already begun escaping into the world. People clustered beyond the entrance, carrying cameras and shouting questions at anyone who looked remotely important. Security guided you through a private door before anyone could recognize you.
You barely heard the instructions you were given.
All you could think about was Michael.
His hair catching fire beneath the stage lights.
His confusion.
His pain.
Whether he had called for you.
Katherine met you in the hallway. Her expression was tired but composed, and the moment she opened her arms, you fell into them.
āHeās all right,ā she whispered, rubbing your back. āHeās shaken, and heās hurting, but heās all right.ā
āCan I see him?ā
Her hesitation frightened you more than the phone call had.
āHe doesnāt want you to.ā
You pulled away. āWhat?ā
āHe doesnāt want anyone coming into the room right now.ā
āBut Iām not anyone.ā
āI know, sweetheart.ā
āDid he say why?ā
Katherineās eyes softened.
You knew then.
The injury was on his head and scalp. Although the doctors had assured everyone that his face had been spared from the worst of the burns, Michael had still seen the panic surrounding him. He had smelled the smoke. He had felt hands pressing against his head and heard people speaking urgently above him.
Whatever he looked like now, it was enough to make him afraid of your reaction.
āI need to talk to him,ā you said.
āHe asked us not to let you in.ā
āThen I wonāt go in yet. But please tell him Iām here.ā
Katherine squeezed your hand. āI will.ā
You sat outside his room for nearly an hour.
His brothers came and went. Doctors passed through the hallway. Members of his team whispered to one another about statements, reporters and what could be said publicly. Everyone seemed to have a purpose except you.
You could only wait.
Eventually, Katherine came back out.
āHe knows youāre here.ā
You stood immediately. āWhat did he say?ā
āHe said you should go home.ā
You stared at her.
āIām not doing that.ā
āI didnāt think you would.ā
She gave you a weary little smile before returning to the rest of the family.
You sat down again.
Another hour passed.
You sent Michael a message through one of the nurses.
Iām not angry with you, and Iām not frightened of you. I only want to know that youāre okay.
The nurse returned several minutes later.
āHe said to tell you that heās fine.ā
You looked toward the closed door.
āWould you tell him that he is a terrible liar?ā
The nurse almost smiled. āIāll tell him.ā
The next message came directly from Michael, written shakily on a small piece of paper.
Please go home. I donāt want you seeing me this way.
You read it three times.
Then you turned the paper over and wrote beneath his words.
Then close your eyes. You donāt have to see me seeing you.
The nurse carried it inside.
This time, the door opened only a minute later.
Michaelās doctor stepped out, followed by a nurse. They spoke to you quietly, explaining what you should expect. His head was wrapped in medical dressings. There might be some swelling. The medication had made him drowsy and slightly disoriented.
None of it changed your mind.
The doctor opened the door.
The room was dim. Only a small lamp beside the bed had been left on, casting a soft amber glow across the walls. The curtains were closed against the cameras waiting somewhere beyond the hospital.
At first, all you could see was the shape of Michael beneath the blankets.
Then your eyes adjusted.
He was turned away from you.
The dressings covered much of his head, and a few dark curls remained visible near his neck. His shoulders were tense beneath the thin hospital gown. One hand gripped the edge of the blanket as though he had been bracing himself from the moment he agreed to let you enter.
The door clicked shut behind you.
Michael flinched.
You stayed where you were.
āHi,ā you whispered.
He did not turn around.
āYou shouldnāt be here.ā
His voice was hoarse and small. You had never heard him speak that way before.
āProbably not,ā you said. āIāve been told Iām very stubborn.ā
āThis isnāt funny.ā
āI know.ā
You moved closer, stopping beside the chair near his bed.
āMay I sit down?ā
He was silent for so long that you thought he might ask you to leave again.
Finally, he nodded.
You lowered yourself into the chair. You did not reach for him. You did not ask him to turn around. You simply sat beside him and listened to the soft hum of the equipment around his bed.
āIām sorry,ā he murmured.
Your brow furrowed. āFor what?ā
āFor frightening you.ā
āYou didnāt do anything.ā
āI knew there was something wrong.ā
His fingers tightened around the blanket.
āThe first time, I felt the heat. I thought maybe I was imagining it. Then they wanted to do it again, and I should have said something.ā
āMichael.ā
āI should have stopped.ā
āYou were performing. You trusted the people around you to keep you safe.ā
āBut if I had justāā
āNo.ā
Your voice came out firmer than you intended.
He went quiet.
āYou are not going to lie here and blame yourself because somebody elseās equipment malfunctioned, or because of a decision that your father made for you,ā you continued, gentler now. āYou did nothing wrong.ā
āYou werenāt there.ā
āI saw enough.ā
His shoulders shifted.
There had already been footage. You had glimpsed only a few seconds before someone pulled you away from the television: the sparks erupting behind him, Michael continuing to dance, unaware that his hair was burning.
Those seconds had lodged themselves somewhere inside you.
āI keep seeing it,ā you admitted. āEvery time I close my eyes.ā
āThatās why I didnāt want you here.ā
You swallowed. āWhy?ā
āBecause now youāll see this too.ā
He gestured weakly toward himself.
āYouāll remember me like this.ā
Your heart broke so quietly that he could not have known.
āMichael, look at me.ā
āNo.ā
āPlease.ā
He shook his head and immediately winced.
Your body reacted before you could think, one hand lifting toward him. You stopped yourself before touching him.
He noticed.
Slowly, Michael turned his face toward you.
His eyes were red and exhausted. There was swelling around them, and his skin was paler than usual. The dressings looked uncomfortable, stark white against him.
He watched you with naked fear.
Not fear of pain.
Fear of you.
You kept your expression soft, even as tears gathered in your eyes.
His gaze dropped.
āDonāt,ā he whispered.
āDonāt what?ā
āCry.ā
āI thought I had lost you.ā
āYou didnāt.ā
āI know that now.ā
A tear escaped before you could catch it. Michael turned his face away again.
āThis is what I didnāt want.ā
āYou think Iām crying because of how you look?ā
He said nothing.
You leaned forward, careful not to crowd him.
āIām crying because I love you, and someone called me to say there had been an accident. Iām crying because I had to sit outside this room knowing you were hurt while you tried to protect me from seeing it. Iām crying because youāre in pain and I canāt take it away.ā
His lower lip trembled.
āYouāre looking at me differently.ā
āIām looking at you like I'm scared.ā
āThat isnāt what I mean.ā
āI know.ā
You allowed a moment of silence to pass.
Then you held out your hand between you, palm facing upward.
āYou donāt have to let me touch you. You donāt even have to look at me. But my hand is here if you want it.ā
Michael stared at it.
His fingers shifted against the blanket, but he did not reach for you.
You sat back and left your hand resting there.
Minutes passed.
His breathing gradually softened. The tension in his shoulders eased, though only slightly. You told him little things because silence gave his mind too much room to punish him.
You told him that his mother had made three different nurses promise to call her if he so much as sneezed.
You told him his brothers were arguing over who had reached the hospital first.
You told him that someone from his team had tried to hand you a prepared statement, and you had stared at him until he went away.
That earned the faintest sound from Michael. Not quite a laugh, but close.
āYou frightened him,ā he murmured.
āGood.ā
āYou can be very mean.ā
āOnly when necessary.ā
His gaze drifted back to your open hand.
āI must look awful.ā
āYou look tired.ā
āThat means yes.ā
āIt means you look tired.ā
āAnd the bandages?ā
āThey look like bandages.ā
āThe swelling?ā
āIt looks uncomfortable.ā
āMe?ā
You understood the question beneath the question.
Do you still see me?
You moved your hand a little closer.
āYou look like Michael.ā
His eyes filled immediately.
He reached for you.
His hand landed in yours with surprising urgency, fingers closing tightly as though he feared you might disappear. You held him just as firmly, lifting his hand to your lips and kissing his knuckles.
His eyes closed.
āYou donāt have to pretend,ā he said.
āIām not.ā
āYou always tell me Iām handsome.ā
āYou are.ā
āIām not now.ā
You studied him for a moment.
āNo,ā you said gently. āRight now, youāre hurt.ā
His eyes opened.
āYouāre hurt, frightened, exhausted and being very difficult. None of that makes you ugly. It makes you human.ā
His face crumpled.
Michael turned away, but he did not release your hand. You stood and moved closer to the bed.
āCan I hold you?ā
He hesitated.
āI donāt know where it hurts,ā you added. āYouāll have to help me.ā
āEverywhere,ā he whispered.
You could hear the tears in his voice now.
āAll right. Then weāll be very careful.ā
The nurse helped raise the bed slightly and showed you where you could sit without disturbing anything. Michael watched the entire process nervously, his embarrassment clear even through the medication.
Once you were beside him, you opened your arms.
For a few seconds, he remained still.
Then he leaned into you.
His movements were slow and guarded. He rested his cheek against your chest, keeping his injured head away from your shoulder. You wrapped one arm around his back while the other rested lightly against his forearm.
The first sob slipped out of him so softly that you almost mistook it for a breath.
Then another followed.
āI was so scared,ā he whispered.
āI know.ā
āI could hear everyone shouting.ā
Your hand moved slowly along his back.
āI didnāt know what was happening. They kept touching me, and the pain was so bad. I thoughtā¦ā
He stopped.
āYou thought what?ā
āI thought it had ruined everything.ā
The words were muffled against you.
āMy hair. My face. The performances. Everything.ā
āOh, Michael.ā
āAnd then I thought about you seeing me.ā
His shoulders shook.
āI knew you would try to be kind, but I thought youād look at me and feel sorry for me.ā
āI do feel sorry that youāre hurting.ā
āThat isnāt the same.ā
āNo, it isnāt.ā
You pressed a kiss to his temple, far from the dressings.
āI donāt pity you. Iām not disgusted by you. Iām not disappointed in you. Iām just here.ā
He cried quietly against you, releasing the fear he had tried to swallow for everyone else. You let him. You did not tell him to be strong or assure him that everything would immediately return to normal.
You simply held him.
Eventually, exhaustion softened his sobs into uneven breaths.
āYou still love me?ā he asked.
The question was so quiet that you almost wished you had misheard it.
You leaned back just enough to see his face.
āDo you honestly think a few bandages could change that?ā
āI donāt know.ā
āThen Iāll tell you until you do.ā
You wiped beneath his eye with your thumb.
āI love you.ā
His eyes closed.
āI love you when youāre onstage and everyone in the world is screaming your name. I love you when youāre wearing pajamas and stealing food from my plate. I love you when you feel beautiful, and I love you when you donāt.ā
His mouth quivered.
āYou donāt have to earn it by looking perfect.ā
āI want to be perfect for you.ā
āI donāt want perfect.ā
āWhat do you want?ā
āYou.ā
Michael looked at you for a long moment.
Then he raised your joined hands and pressed his lips against your fingers.
āYou really are stubborn,ā he murmured.
āExtremely.ā
āI told them not to let you in.ā
āYou underestimated me.ā
āI should know better.ā
āYou really should.ā
The tiniest smile appeared on his lips.
There he was.
You wanted to kiss him, but you waited.
Michael noticed. His eyes moved briefly to your mouth before returning to your face.
āYou can,ā he whispered.
āAre you sure?ā
He nodded.
You leaned forward and kissed him gently.
There was no urgency in it. You kept one hand around his while the other rested against his shoulder. His lips were dry, and he tasted faintly of hospital water, but the moment he kissed you back, some part of you finally believed he was safe.
When you pulled away, his eyes remained closed.
āStill think Iām frightened of you?ā you whispered.
āA little.ā
You kissed the corner of his mouth.
āHow about now?ā
āMaybe less.ā
You kissed his cheek.
āNow?ā
A real smile appeared this time.
āYou may need to keep trying.ā
āConvenient.ā
āIām injured. You have to be nice to me.ā
āI have been sitting outside for hours because you banned me from the room.ā
His smile faded.
āIām sorry.ā
You brushed your thumb over his knuckles.
āI understand why you did it. But next time youāre frightened, let me be frightened with you.ā
āI donāt want to burden you.ā
āLoving you isnāt a burden.ā
He lowered his eyes.
āYou donāt always have to be the one protecting everyone,ā you continued. āSometimes youāre allowed to need somebody.ā
āI need you.ā
The admission was immediate and painfully sincere.
You leaned forward until your forehead rested carefully against his.
āGood,ā you whispered. āBecause you have me.ā
Later, after the nurse checked his dressings and brought fresh water, Michael allowed you to help him drink. He complained that the straw was undignified, then became offended when you laughed.
You adjusted his blankets. He insisted he was not cold, although he stopped protesting the moment you tucked them around him.
When the medication began pulling him toward sleep, you returned to the chair beside his bed.
His fingers tightened around yours.
āWhere are you going?ā
āNowhere. Iām sitting down.ā
āYouāll stay?ā
āAs long as they let me.ā
āAnd if they tell you to leave?ā
āIāll hide in the bathroom.ā
His sleepy laugh filled the dim room.
āYouāre ridiculous.ā
āAnd yet, you love me.ā
āI do.ā
His eyes began to close.
You thought he had fallen asleep until his voice reached you again.
āWhen the bandages come offā¦ā
āYes?ā
His fingers shifted nervously between yours.
āWhat if itās worse?ā
āThen Iāll be there.ā
āWhat if I donāt want to look?ā
āThen you donāt have to look until youāre ready.ā
āWhat if you look first?ā
You lifted his hand and kissed it again.
āThen Iāll tell you the truth.ā
His eyes opened slightly. āWhich is?ā
āThat youāre still you.ā
He watched you through the haze of exhaustion, searching your face for uncertainty.
Whatever he found seemed to soothe him.
āCome closer,ā he murmured.
You shifted the chair until it touched the bed.
āCloser.ā
āI cannot physically move the chair any closer, Michael.ā
He gave you a weak, dissatisfied look.
You smiled and leaned over the railing, bringing your face near his. He relaxed immediately.
āThere?ā
āBetter.ā
His eyes closed once more.
You stayed beside him as his breathing became deep and even, your hand held securely in his. Every so often, even in sleep, his fingers tightened as if checking that you had not left.
Each time, you squeezed back.
The world outside was already turning his pain into headlines, photographs and statements. By morning, strangers would debate what happened and what it meant for his career. People would study every image and search for something dramatic to consume.
But inside the room, he was simply Michael.
Frightened.
Tender.
Alive.
And loved.
Just before dawn, he stirred. His eyes opened slowly and found you with your head resting beside his arm.
āYou stayed,ā he whispered.
You lifted your head, blinking away sleep.
āI told you I would.ā
In the pale morning light, his bandages were still there. The swelling was still there. Nothing had magically healed overnight.
But when Michael looked at you, the fear in his eyes was quieter.
Summary: Broadway's leading lady. The most famous man in the world. They've argued, they have made up, their bond is still undeniable. Is it make or break?
part 2 of Desire Interrupted
Tags: 18+, romantic! michael, soft, fluff, angst, romantic smut, YES i am capable. still filthy tbh. dangerous/history era, theatre/pop star setting, you are an actress in the 90s, michael is slightly avoidant, mentions of insomnia, time jump
Word Count: 13219+ (it might be more oop)
Authorās Note: I really didn't plan on making a part 2 to DI, but here we are, after y'all blew up my ask box and comments ;) its not perfect, and is much more of a drabble, with some timeline inconsistency (BLEGH I know) but i hope u enjoy it nonetheless. i may delete⦠this i am still undecided if im honest - dont rlly think it does the original plot justice YIKES Ėā Ė
If you'd to make a request, send me an ask ;)
You woke up first.
The light coming through the bedroom window was the grey of a New York morning after rain ā it wasn't quite harsh, more like the gentler kind of sky that allowed you to keep the lights off at home, powered only by the cloud.
This kind of weather made the room look like a photograph someone had taken with an old SLR camera, slightly underexposed. Your bedside lamp was still on from the night before which brought a slight warmth to the otherwise still room.
You had no memory of getting into the bed. You had a vague memory of him carrying you, sometime around three, after the second round, when neither of you had been able to keep your eyes open any longer.
You were warm.
You were warm because Michael was wrapped around you from behind, one of his arms heavy across your waist and one of his legs hooked over yours, and his breath was slow and warm against the back of your neck.
You lay still for a long time. You did not want to move. To risk waking him would mean that he might once again try to leave, clouded by his insecurity.
Instead, you watched the grey light shift on the ceiling and you let yourself feel, properly, what it felt like to wake up with him actually in your life. He wasn't just a side character that reared his head when things needed to get interesting, or propel the plot forward. He was a real, living, breathing, perfect thing you wanted to hold onto forever.
Light.
That was the word for it.
Everything in your body felt lighter. Your shoulders. Your jaw unclenched. You had been carrying what felt like 3 tonnes of anxiety for three months without ever realising you were doing it.
All of it had loosened in the night. You had not understood, until now, how much you had been holding. How much energy it had taken to be the woman who held back, who let him set the pace, who was patient and grown up and careful.
You were not going to be that woman anymore. You would not hold back. Not with him. Not when you had so much to lose.
He shifted behind you. A small sound in his throat, sleepy, contented. His arm tightened briefly around your waist and then went slack again.
He wasn't quite awake yet. You could feel his eyelashes against the nape of your neck, him off in some dream world.
You closed your eyes. You smiled into the pillow.
He stirred properly about twenty minutes later.
You felt him wake up by degrees ā first the shift in his breathing, then a small stretch of his arm across you, then a kind of confused pause where you knew he was working out where he was. You waited, happily on him letting it all come back.
His face pressed into the curve of your shoulder.
"Morning," you said.
He made a noise that was not quite a word.
"You alive back there?"
"Mm."
You laughed. You felt him laugh too, a small huff of breath against your skin.
He propped himself up on one elbow behind you. You turned over to face him.
His hair was a complete disaster. It had been wet when you fell asleep and had dried into something that looked like a small animal had been living in it. There was a faint pink mark on his cheekbone where he had been pressed against the rug for an hour before you'd made it to the bed. He blinked at you in the grey light, looking sleepy and rumpled and not at all like the most famous man in the world.
He looked at you for a long minute without saying anything.
Then ā
"It's you."
"Hi." You said back, meekly.
He smiled. The real one. One you think you might have only ever seen a rare few times. There wasn't anything hiding behind it anymore.
"You're still here," you said.
"Where would I have gone?"
"I don't know. I half thought I'd wake up and find a note."
"A note." He said, surprised.
"On the kitchen counter. Something polite. Dear Y/N. Thank you for last night. I have several pressing engagements in Geneva."
He laughed, a loud, achingly cute cackle. He buried his face in the pillow next to yours after realising how loud he was.
"Geneva." He mumbled.
"It very well could have happened, knowing your crazy schedule."
"I don't even know where Geneva is."
"It's in Switzerland, Michael."
"Okay, well I do know where Switzerland is."
He turned his face back toward you.
The look on his face reminded you of the first dinner you had. It had only been a few months back, but everything just felt so different. You felt like you had known him in all of the alternate universes.
He reached out and brushed a strand of your hair out of your face. His hand stayed at your jaw afterward. He just held it there for a moment.
"How are you feeling?" he asked. Quiet and caring.
You thought about it.
"Lighter," you said. "I feel really light."
He nodded slowly.
"Me too."
There was a beat.
"I was so tired," he said. "I didn't know how tired I was until I flopped into your comfy bed."
"I know."
"I've been carrying this for so long. I don't know how long. Years, maybe. Just a genuine disbelief that anything romantic could ever work out for me"
"I know, love."
The word came out before you knew you were going to say it. You had never called him that before. Not in the time you had spent together You had been so careful with the names you used for him, so professional about it ā Michael. It felt almost too formal now.
He didn't say anything. But you saw his eyes change. Soft and surprised and a little wet.
You watched him take the word and hold it.
Then he leaned over, and kissed you. Slow. Lazy. A morning kiss.
He tasted like sleep.
His mouth was warm and unhurried and there was no urgency in him, none of the desperation of last night, just a man kissing a woman, not allowing preconceived false truths to hold him back.
When he pulled back, he pressed his forehead against yours.
"I want to make you breakfast," he said.
"Do you cook?"
"I cook a⦠little."
"How little?"
He looked at you, eyes serious, still very close. You could see his smile lines, his eyes bare, no eyeliner, no makeup at all really. He was gorgeousĀ his skin patchy in areas, but it felt a little like looking at constellations.
"I can make toast."
"That is not cooking, Michael." You stated, matter of factly.
"I have a range of toast techniques."
You couldn't help but cackle now. You threw your head back, completely unguarded. He looked so genuinely pleased with himself for the joke.
"Alright," you recovered. "Show me your range, Jackson."
ā˰ā¹Ė
Your kitchen, in the daylight, looked exactly like what it was; a small, gritty New York apartment kitchen that had been chosen by a single woman in her early thirties, who did most of her serious eating at the restaurants other people took her to.
There was a kettle, and an old vintage toaster; a loaf of sourdough on the counter from the bakery on the corner, which you bought every Sunday and which lasted you until Thursday; you mostly ate it as toast at 3am when the adrenaline from the show was haunting you.
It sat lamely beside your fruit bowl, that looked like it belonged in a sad conceptual painting hung in a museum.
He stood in the middle of your kitchen in a pair of his boxer shorts and the undershirt he had been wearing last night, hands on his hips. He surveyed your countertop like a man planning an expedition.
"Right," he said. "Toast."
He whipped his head around to you as you hovered in the doorway.
"Do you have butter?"
"I have butter, in the refrigerator."
"Do you have jam?"
"I might have jam."
"Then we are well within my range, m'lady."
You sat down at your kitchen table in his dress shirt ā the one from the night before, the white one, which you had pulled on while he was still asleep and which came halfway down your thighs ā and you watched him.
He was so focused on the toast.
"Michael."
"Mm."
"You can walk away. It'll pop up when it's done."
"I prefer to monitor the cooking situation."
You just eyed him, unsure that toasting bread could be labelled 'cooking'.
"I have had bad experiences." He finally said, breaking the brief pause.
"With toast?"
He turned around and grinned at you, clearly not wishing to elaborate.
It was a cheeky and boyish look.
The toaster popped.
His face did something complicated.
"It's a bit dark," he said.
You got up and then looked into the toaster.
The toast was quite literally jet black.
Not lightly browned, or slightly singed like some folks liked. Black. Like coal. There was a faint wisp of smoke coming off it.
You pressed your hand to your mouth.
"Michael."
"I genuinely thought I had this in me!"
"It is on fire."
"It is not on fire."
"It was on fire, look at it."
He was laughing now, leaning on the counter with his hand over his eyes. It was coming from somewhere deep.
You had not heard him laugh like this before. You had heard the small relieved laugh in passing, and the soft, slightly cracked laugh on the phone. You had noticed around a month in that he faked so many aspects of himself, to fit in, to be like everyone else. You loved that now after your admissions to each other, and the unraveling of your feelings for each other ā he was ready to bare the truth to you.
He reached for you and pulled you into him by your waist. You leaned your face on his chest, you were much shorter, so you could hear the beat of his heart from this angle. He was warm, and smelled a little like expensive aftershave and rain.
He kissed the top of your head.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm going to do better. I'm going to make you better food than this."
"You have a lifetime to redeem yourself, Michael."
He went very still.
You realised what you had said about half a second after you had said it.
You looked up at him.
He was looking down at you. His eyes were enormous.
"A lifetime," he said. Quietly.
"That came out before I ā"
"No," he said. "No. Don't take it back. Don't take that one back."
You looked at him for a long minute.
"Okay," you said. "I won't."
He cupped your face with both hands. He kissed you, very gently, on the forehead. Then on the bridge of your nose. Then on your mouth.
You stood in your kitchen in your bare feet, in his shirt with his arms around you and the burnt toast still smoking faintly on the counter beside you, and you thought, this is the rest of my life. This is what the rest of my life looks like. This man, with his questionable cooking skills and boyish charm.
Later in the day, after hanging around the apartment, dancing to the radio and cleaning up the mess left in the wake of heated intimacy, you finally managed to witness him cook. Well, sort of.
The slice of bread had survived Michael's wrath.
He buttered it, put jam on it and then lovingly cut it into triangles, which charmed you completely.
He set the plate down in front of you with the kind of ceremony usually reserved for a state dinner.
"My masterpiece," he said.
"Michael."
"Eat it before it gets cold."
You shovelled the toast down, realising you had not eaten since lunch the day prior.
It was lukewarm, basically like heated up bread, soft in the middle. There was entirely too much jam on it, and it was the best piece of toast you had ever eaten in your life.
ā˰ā¹Ė
He had to go.
Not back to LA; not yet. To his hotel, where his people were, where Wayne, his assistant was no doubt already trying to work out where his boss had spent the night.
He stood in your doorway in his ruined suit from last night with the buttons missing on the shirt you had just been wearing, and his hair still wild and he looked, somehow, more like Michael Jackson now than he had at any point during the previous twelve hours.
The world was already pulling him back. You could see it in the way he was bracing himself to walk out into it.
You straightened his collar.
"When do you have to leave the city?"
"Friday."
"Will you let me see you tonight? After your show?"
"Of course."
"And tomorrow?"
"And tomorrow."
"And the night after that? And then whenever we possibly can?"
You smiled at him. "Yes, Michael."
He kissed you, hard. He kissed you like he was trying to memorise it, the rhythm and the feeling of it.
He was feverish; a man who had spent the entire morning being given beautiful experiences he had not believed he was allowed to want and was still in disbelief about every single one of them.
He had the domestic bliss he'd always hoped for, from a lover. Finally able to have what most people took for granted on a daily basis. The space to not be the version of himself that was strung along in narrative by the press.
He pulled back.
"I'll call Frank," he said. "I'll have him pick you up at the stage door tonight."
"Okay."
"And Y/N ā"
"Yes."
His eyes were so warm, his smile creating squishible cheeks and smile lines.
"Thank you for giving me a second chance," he said.
"I am glad I answered the door."
He kissed your forehead one more time. Then, he went off into the bustling city.
You closed the door behind him and stood with your back against it for a long time.
Your mind was racing a million miles an hour ā so much had whizzed right past you.
It was a feeling; an instinctual gut reaction, that this was going to work out and be so worth the agony and all the questioning and the missed opportunities.
The situation before felt like you were both constantly facing each other across a busy road, not able to cross over because there was whizzing traffic; the threat of moving closer was too much.
You knew deep down that you were no longer going to feel alone like you had previously, not with Michael.
You went back to bed for an hour. You curled up on his side of the mattress, where the sheet still smelled faintly of him, and you slept properly for the first time in months, no more residual adrenaline to stop it.
ā˰ā¹Ė
Three weeks went past in a blur.
He came to your show on the Wednesday after the morning of the burnt toast. And the Thursday. He flew back to LA on the Friday morning and called you that night, and then he was back in New York the following weekend, and the weekend after that, and at some point in the middle of the second week you stopped counting the flights and just started expecting his presence.
He stayed at your apartment. Not at the hotel anymore. The hotel had become a problem; your address was easier to keep quiet than a known suite at the Pierre ā so Wayne quietly cancelled the booking and Michael's overnight bag took up residence in the corner of your bedroom. You found his toothbrush in the cup beside yours one morning and stood staring at it for a full minute. A crazy concept to have moved in with the most prolific person you'd met in your life.
He bought you a coffee machine. A proper one, the kind that ground the beans, because he had decided very seriously that the coffee press was not enough for you, when you worked such irregular hours. He didn't even like coffee.
He installed it himself, on the counter, looking very pleased with himself about the whole project. You came home from a Saturday matinee to find him reading the manual on your kitchen floor in his cute white socks and a Disney World sweater. His hair soft and unstyled.
You did not tell anyone about your relationship thus far. Sandra knew, obviously ā Sandra had known the afternoon after you'd slept together for the first time, because Sandra had a good eye and knew when you were hiding something.
You and Michael had agreed that, mutually, nothing about the relationship was going public until you were both ready. Which was fine. It was preferable. You had a Tony nomination to do press for. He had an album to finish off. There was no part of either of you that wanted to poke the bear, but it had to be done at some point.
You wanted it off of your chest, so you could just start living your life. You felt anxiety at the press knowing you were āhidingā it, knowing that they would then make up some sort of elaborate story as to why that was the case.
The Tonys were the first time he was going to be seen in public with you and it made you feel sick with nerves. Mostly for him, as people had been so cruel to him throughout his life for no apparent reason.
It made you sad to read the tabloids on a daily basis extort his name and person for money. It was like vultures sweeping down and ripping more and more from a dead animal.
Michal always said heād fine love in his heart to forgive them one day, but you could not find that grace deep down.
Your life had been sheltered for the most part ā your parents had normal 9-5 jobs in the city, as you grew up there. You were the anomaly of the family, but it was nothing like the fishbowl Michael endured.
You wanted him to be able to feel validation from whatever the press were going to run the next day after the announcement.
You wanted them to see you werenāt just another girl he was closely associated.
Not as a friend. As his, loving and genuinely adoring date. Youād show them by just being in his presence how much you cared for him. and secretly you hoped that theyād just back off, understanding how that there is limited stories they could run now about Michael fathering 15 different children to 15 different mothers; or that he was gay, or even that he was an asexual aliens. It was foul what they did do him.
You'd had the conversation about it on a Tuesday, lying in bed at six in the morning before he had to leave for his car to the airport. He had said
āI want to come with you. I want to be there with you. I don't care what the papers doā
You had said āare you sure about this?ā
He had said āI have never been more sure of anything in my life.ā
So Michael's team briefed yours, and the publicists on either team briefed each other. It was all a bit overwhelming, all just to get fitted for outfits that sort of matched.
Michael hired a designer you had never even heard of, to pick out your looks. You'd been in the limelight, in the acting world for quite a few years, but had never had the opportunity to delve into high fashion.
You did three fittings. You went with the baby blue one in the end. Floor length, slim, structured at the shoulders. Michael's stylist had brought it as a backup to the first that the designer had chosen that you were not entirely sold on, and knowing your feelings on it; then quietly moved it to the front of the rail.
The morning of the Tony's had you viciously anxious. You had about 3 espresso's using the new coffee machine, and once again found yourself staring at the kitchen wall. You were trying to make sense of your brainĀ wrestling with the thought that you might not win this award, and it could be utterly devastating considering how much blood, sweat and tears went into Blanche daily.
Michael had been at the studio early morning, to lay down vocals on a new song he was very excited about. He couldn't sleep the whole previous night, as he said he'd lose the beat if he didn't get it on tape, you didn't have a tape recorder laying around, so he flew out the door toward the nearest studio his assistant could find that would let him in for a session.
He came back after it in a hooded sweatshirt and sunglasses, the way he travelled when he didn't want to be photographed, and he kissed you in the hallway in your apartment on the way to the shower and told you he was sorry he left you so abruptly
"You're nervous, Y/N."
"I'm so nervous."
"Never seen you like this. Just pretend everyone is naked, like I do."
"Michael. You perform in stadiums. That's literally thousands and thousands of naked people, and honestly quite disturbing."
"MM yeah, maybe not the greatest thing to say aloud. This is ā" he gestured vaguely at the air around the two of you "this feels so good. To support each other. I am going to be there to hold your hand and dissipate the nerves."
You just smiled shyly, thinking yeah, this is so very real now.
You spent the morning together. You ate eggs that he made after he showered ā he had graduated from toast ā and you switched from coffee to fresh orange juice, and you ran through the order of the night with him at the table. The carpet. The seating. The category. The afterparty. He listened to all of it with the slightly a slightly nervous attention. He wanted to do everything right for you.
At one in the afternoon, Wayne came with the clothes, the stylist by his side.
You spent the next four hours getting ready.
ā˰ā¹Ė
Sandra came over at three. Hair and makeup were in your living room by four. By five you were in the dress and your hair was up and your makeup was done and you were standing in front of the long mirror in your bedroom looking at a version of yourself you almost didn't recognise.
Sandra came to stand behind you. She put her hands on your shoulders.
"Baby."
"Mm."
"You're going to win."
"Sandra, don't jinx it"
"I'm saying it, because I can see it."
"Ughh." You covered your face with your hands in anxious agony.
"I'm not going to jinx anything. You're going to win and you're going to walk up there in that dress and you're going to thank me by name of course." She squeezed your shoulders, jokingly, looking at you through the mirror at the vanity.
"And then you're going to come down off that stage and find your boy and you're going to kiss him on national television."
"I am not kissing him on national television, he might freak out"
"I have a good read on Michael, and I think he'd welcome it."
"Sandra."
She grinned at you in the mirror. "I'm just saying."
You laughed. You couldn't help it. You felt your nerves crack open slightly under the weight of her looking at you like that.
She straightened the strap on your dress. She picked an invisible piece of fluff off your shoulder. She kissed the back of your hair very gently and then she left to get herself ready, and you stood alone in the bedroom for a moment, looking at the woman in the mirror.
You had spent eighteen months becoming Blanche. You knew in your bones that the performance and the wider team around it, deserved the win of this award.
ā˰ā¹Ė
Frank pulled up at the kerb of Radio City at six twenty.
You could hear the carpet before you could see it. The roar of the crowd. The bursts of sound when a famous name was announced down the line. The high whine of camera flashes somewhere further up the street.
Michael looked over at you, fondly.
"Ready?"
"As I will ever be. Are you?" You asked, you whole body vibrating with nerves.
"No. I always get nervous at these things, even if I have been doing it for 20 odd years,"
"Let's go anyway." He said with finality.
He squeezed your hand. He let it go. He got out of the car first.
The crowd at the far end of the carpet noticed him before the photographers did. A wave of sound moved down the line as people clocked who had just stepped onto the kerb ā a low rolling oh that broke into a proper roar by the time the photographers caught up and the flashes started.
He did not look at the cameras.
He turned. He held his hand out for you.
You took it.
You stepped out of the car in the baby blue dress with your hand in his, and the entire press line completely lost their minds.
The flashes were physical. You felt them in your chest. You smiled ā the trained smile, the one you had been practising in fittings ā and you let him guide you into the position the publicist had marked for you, and you stood with him at the start of the carpet and let them take their first photograph.
Then he leaned in slightly, very close, his lips almost at your ear, and said ā you are doing so well, my love.
You felt every muscle in your shoulders drop an inch.
You walked the carpet with shaking, aching legs.
He kept hold of your hand the entire way. He did not let go. Even thought the press were shouting at him 'Michael turn to us, look over here', even when the designer's lead talent escort tried to gently separate you for the solo shots the team had requested ā you shook your head at her, smiling, and she got the message in about half a second and waved the photographers off, and the two of you walked the rest of the carpet with your hands locked together.
A reporter shouted from the line ā how long have you two been together?
You felt Michael glance at you. You answered for him.
"None of your business." You laughed nervously, your eyes trying to adjust to how bright it had been.
The reporter laughed. Several reporters laughed. Michael leaned in slightly, under the noise, his mouth right at your ear again, and said ā that's my girl.
Goosebumps raised on your skin, his voice had been sultry.
You did not know your face was capable of going as warm as it went in that second.
Another reporter, further down the line ā Michael, can we get a comment from you?
He turned. He didn't let go of your hand. He gave a toothy smileĀ genuinely seeming happy and content.
"She's extraordinary," he said. "She was extraordinary the first night I saw her on stage and she has been extraordinary every day since. I'm just glad I get to walk in with her tonight."
The press line went silent for a half second. You felt it. The collective intake of breath at his brutally honest statement.
Then the flashes started up twice as fast.
He squeezed your hand 3 times and started leading you to the entrance.
ā˰ā¹Ė
The ceremony went past in a blur.
You sat with Michael's hand on your thigh under the table for the first five categories. The weight of it was the only thing keeping you grounded on earth and breathing.
When your category came up, you stopped being able to hear properly.
The whole room went slightly underwater. You watched the presenter walk out and you watched her open the envelope and you felt Michael's hand tighten around yours and you knew, in the half second before she said it, that you were not going to remember this moment afterward except in pieces.
She said your name.
The room exploded.
You turned to Michael firstĀ He was beaming, so earnestly proud of you, his eyes a little wet. He'd truly believed in your performance and you were so grateful it brought you together.
He nodded at you, frantically, and pushed you very gently toward the aisle.
"Go, baby. Go."
You don't remember the walk.
You remember the lights, though and squinting to make your way through the sea of tables to try to get to the stage.
You remember the weight of the trophy once they put it in your hand.
the presenter kissing your cheek and whispering I am so proud of you like she had been waiting all night to say it.
You stepped up to the microphone.
You looked out into the dark room, a lump in your throat and finally thought, despite all of your insane insecurity; tears shed after shows, the nightmares you would wake from that were centered around fumbling lines and misrepresenting a dear to all character, your lack of sleep, your borderline unhealthy relationship to food, it was all just worth it. All in that one moment your name had been uttered.
You had written a speech three different times. You had folded the most recent version into the small clutch at your table, but in the midst of the frenzy. You did not, in this moment, remember a single word of it and maybe talking more from the heart was better, anyway.
You thanked Greg. You thanked the production. You thanked your director, who you could just make out in the third row, and who had taught you that Blanche was not a tragedy but a woman of multitudes, a groundbreaking look into mental health and playing it had been a great honour. You thanked Daniel by name, properly, generously, for however many weeks of carrying you across a stage, or screaming and shouting at you with the kind of trust most actors never got to have with a scene partner. You watched him stand up in the audience and put his hand over his heart.
You thanked Sandra. You thanked her by name like you had promised her you would. You said she had been the woman behind every single show of yours for the last six years and that no version of you on any stage in any city existed without her. Your hair would simply not survive without her and neither would your heart.
The camera cut to her in the audience. She was already weeping into her napkin.
And then you paused.
You looked into the dark.
You looked toward where you knew he was sitting.
"And to a special man, who knows exactly who he is" you said. "Who has fueled my passion tenfold. Thank you. I turned a corner with my character 'Blanche' when I met you. I was a more, fully realised version of myself the moment you appeared. I love you."
The audience had been so still, hanging onto every single word you articulated, just like in the play. You could hear, somewhere in the dark, a woman saying oh very softly into her hand.
The camera cut to him, it seemed everyone had followed your eyeline.
You did not see it at the time. He had both hands over his mouth, hiding his gorgeous smile, like he did when he was nervous. Tears brimming in his eyes at the thought of being loved on this scale.
You stepped back from the microphone.
You held the trophy up.
The audience rose to cheer you on.
ā˰ā¹Ė
Backstage was chaos.
Press. Photographers. Producers. A woman with a clipboard and headset trying to walk you to the official photography room. Sandra somewhere behind you, still buzzing, holding your clutch like a small animal she was responsible for.
You just wanted Michael.
The clipboard woman walked you through the photo line. She walked you through each of your marks, the press shot you on backdrops with the trophy heavy in your small hands.
After, she walked you toward the press room and you scanned every corridor as you went, because you wanted him, you wanted him, you wanted to see his face.
You came around a corner and he was there.
He was standing in a quiet area between the press room and the green room. Bill at the far end lingering, clearly concerned that Michael would be swarmed at some point. The clipboard woman, to her credit, took one look at his face and quietly disappeared.
He pushed off the wall and you ran to him, to completely surrender.
He caught you. He picked you up off the floor, both his arms under yours, and he spun you once and set you down and pressed his forehead against yours and he was shaking.
"I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you. I am so proud of you, baby ā"
You couldn't speak.
He pulled back to look at you. His eyes were red. His mouth was open slightly.
"You said it."
"I said it."
"On national television," He said, "what a way to tell the world."
He laughed ā a surprised, completely unhinged laugh ā and then he kissed you. There, in the corridor backstage at Radio City, with the trophy still in your hand and the press room thirty feet away and the entirety of the Broadway industry about to come looking for you.
He kissed you, strong hands on either side of your cheeks. Strong, true and so honest.
When he pulled back, his thumb brushed the tear that had finally escaped onto all your makeup artist's hard work.
"I love you too," he said. "I know I don't say it too often due to my nerves. But, I think I have since I saw the curtain come up on that third performance of Streetcar."
ā˰ā¹Ė
Streetcar closed in the September. You did not extend.
You signed on for a new play in October ā a small, hard, brilliant thing at the Public, written by a woman you had admired since drama school. Rehearsals started in November. You found yourself, for the first time in your career, in a production where the press junket was kind to you. nobody asked you about what you were eating, or who you were dating, or your work out routine to stay skinny. It was a relief like no other to focus on the art, and only the art
He went back on tour in January.
Europe. South America. Then Asia. You knew the schedule by heart because Wayne had given you a printed copy and because Michael had pinned it to the inside of your kitchen cabinet so you could see it every time you went to get sugar for a coffee, which was a lot, admittedly.
You spoke every day. You spoke twice a day on the good days. He flew you out to Berlin for a long weekend in February for a date night at a premiere of an indie movie heād been invited to and to Paris for two nights in March to just celebrate your relationship. How in love you were. Michael liked very much to be out of the limelight when he could, to keep some semblance of normalcy in his private life, but sometimes he would just become Michael Jackson in order to get something for you. And in the Paris situation - he was able to shut down the entire Eiffel Tower for you during the day, so you both could have a picnic at the top of it. Picnics were his favorite.
There were so many moments that you started to see the want to be a pop star diminish and unfurl. Like it just wasnāt worth it to him anymore. The arguments in the press with his siblings, the accusations, the settlements for large sums of money. It continued to greedily steel from his life force. You stuck around regardless, fighting every battle you could for him.
You stood in the wings of his stadium shows in a small private viewing area and watched him become the other version of himself time after time, despite illness or fatigue and you understood, properly, for the first time, what he had been protecting you from for so long.
He was tired. Oh so tired. A life of trauma and extreme wear on the body was showing. Maybe not to fans butā¦
You could see it. He hid it well ā he hid most things well ā but you had been watching him for nearly a year now and you knew his face better than anyone alive except his mother, and you knew, in a matter of months, that he was going to be running on fumes, and not enjoying it as he couldnāt be āperfectā anymore.
You told him to take a break.
He told you he was fine and that he needed to change the world.
You told him to take a break anyway.
ā˰ā¹Ė
The London leg of the Dangerous tour started in July '93.
It was the eightweek leg. Two stadium shows at Wembley, then a break, then a press cycle for the album, then more shows. You'd ironically seen photos of him sold to the New York times, on the stands in the streets as you walked to the theatreĀ you worked at daily; he looked very slim, his skin very paleĀ and he just looked unbelievably over it.
He had been in London for ten days before it happened.
The call came at five past 3 in the morning, your time.
You picked up on the second ring. You had trained yourself ā out of panic mostly ā to not let the phone ring out, because when it rung, it was usually him.
"Baby."
His voice was wrong.
You sat up in bed.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry."
"What's wrong, Michael."
"I'm sorry I'm calling you. I promised to myself I wouldn't let you see me falter, so you'd think I was strong for the both of us. I ā"
He was crying.
He was crying a lot. You could hear it through the line, the unsteady catch of his breath, the small choked sound at the end of every word.
You turned the lamp on. You put your feet on the floor.
"Hey. Hey. Baby. I'm here. Just talk to me."
"I haven't slept."
"For how long, my love."
"I don't know. Four nights. Maybe five. I keep ā I keep getting into the bed and I lie there and the second I close my eyes my brain just starts. It just starts and it doesn't stop. I can't get it to stop."
"What's it doing? Tell me what it's doing."
He took a ragged breath.
"The British papers have been awful. The whole week. There's a piece in one of them today about ā about my face. Again. About the way I look. They've put it on the front. There's a doctor they've interviewed. He's never met me. He's never been in a room with me. He's making things up about me and they printed it like it's news."
You closed your eyes.
"Oh, baby."
"I shouldn't have read it. I know I shouldn't have. Bill told me not to. Wayne told me not to. They keep the papers out of my room every morning but somebody left it in the green room before the radio thing and I just ā I saw it. I picked it up. I read the whole thing."
"Michael ā"
"They do this every couple of years. I know. I know they do. I know it's a cycle. I know to expect it. It's just ā this week it has been every single day. There's been something every single day. And I cannot ā I cannot get my brain to stop reading it back to me when I try to sleep. It just plays. Over and over. Like a record."
You stood up.
You walked to the window in your bare feet. You pulled the curtain back. Manhattan was asleep beneath you. The lights of the Empire State Building were off for the night. The sky over the river was the early kind of dark that was already thinking about morning.
"How long since you slept properly?" you asked. Voice barely above a whisper.
"Properly?"
"Properly, Michael."
A long pause.
"I don't know. A while."
"Before the tour?"
"Maybe."
"Baby."
"I know."
"You have been running on nothing for four months."
"I know. I know I have."
You pressed your forehead against the cold glass of the window.
"What does your body feel like right now?" you asked.
A small, surprised laugh through the tears.
"Why."
"Because I want to know. Tell me."
"My hands keep going numb. The last show, the third song, I couldn't feel my hands properly for about a minute and a half. I played the rest of the show worrying I was going to drop the mic. My ā my chest feels strange. It has done for a few days. Not bad. Just ā present. Like I can feel my heart all the time. I cannot get warm. The hotel is warm. The bath is warm. I cannot get warm."
"Michael."
"I know."
"You need a doctor."
"I have a doctor."
"You need to call him."
"I'll see how I feel tomorrow morning."
"Now."
"Y/N ā"
"Tonight, or this morning, or whatever fucking time it is there Michael. Whatever time it is there. Call him. Wake him up. I don't care."
"Y/N. I cannot ā I cannot do that to him, he may be with other clieā"
"Then I will call him."
There was a small silence.
"You don't have his number," he said.
"Wayne has his number. Wayne will give it to me."
"Y/N."
"Michael."
He was quiet for a long moment.
"I love you," he said. Quiet. Wrecked.
"I love you too. Now stay on the phone with me while I figure this out."
So he stayed on the phone.
You did not call the doctor. You called Wayne. Wayne called the doctor. The doctor was at the Dorchester within forty minutes ā a man Michael had known for years, who was used to being called in the small hours. He asked all the right questions and gave Michael something mild to help him sleep and told him, very firmly, that the next two days were going to be rest, full stop, no negotiation.
You stayed on the phone for the whole thing.
"Are you still there?" he asked quietly.
"I'm still here."
"Of course I am."
"I'm sorry I'm a mess."
"Stop apologising."
"I ā"
"Michael. Stop."
He was quiet for a moment.
"Tell me something normal," he said. "Tell me about today. Tell me about anything that isn't this."
So you did.
You sat on the floor by the window with the phone in your hand as you'd yanked it off of the nightstand and were tangled in the wires trying to take it around the room with you. you talked to him about nothing in particular.
You told him about the second act of the play you were working on, one of the scenes was physically demanding.
You told him about the woman in the bakery downstairs who had started giving you extra helpings of the sourdough bread for free, because she knew you liked it. You told him about a dream you had three nights ago about a house with a yellow door that you couldn't remember the rest of, just the door, which had bothered you for two days because you thought you recognised it from somewhere but couldn't for the life of you figure out where from.
You heard his breathing change.
You kept talking, quieter, because you knew he was right at the edge of sleep and you did not want to startle him out of it. You told him about a song you had heard on the radio that had reminded you of him. You told him you had passed a bookshop in the Village yesterday and seen a book in the window he would have liked about claymation film techniques. You told him you loved him.
He made a small sound. Almost a word.
You waited.
His breathing slowed properly.
You listened to him sleep on the phone for almost twenty minutes before you allowed yourself to hang up.
You did not go back to bed.
You stayed where you were on the floor by the window. You let the light come up over the river. You watched the sky turn from dark blue to grey to the soft pink of an early summer morning in Manhattan, and somewhere in there, you made the decision.
You called Wayne again at 5am.
"Wayne."
"Miss."
"I need a flight to London. As soon as possible. Today."
There was a beat.
"What time, miss?"
"Whenever you can get me on something. Heathrow. First class, economy, the airline doesn't matter."
"Understood, Miss. And to speak plainly, he really needs you."
You couldn't even muster a response to that as it broke your heart.
"And Wayne ā ."
"Yes, Miss."
"Don't tell him. Please. Don't tell anyone in his camp other than Bill. I want to surprise him."
"Understood, Miss."
"Thank you."
You hung up. You sat on the floor for another minute. You looked at the sky over the river.
Then you got up. You went to the closet. You started to pack.
ā˰ā¹Ė
You landed at Heathrow at twenty past ten in the evening, London time.
You had slept on the plane in short pockets. You had spent most of the flight reading but you weren't really absorbing, you probably read the same paragraph of a novel over and over.
You gave up halfway and instead just stared out at the dark Atlantic for the rest of the flight, thinking of him. Thinking of how mad the director of your play was going to be when he realised that you were going to be out and that the star of his show was replaced by an understudy for however long it took to get Michael better.
A driver was waiting at the gate. Wayne had arranged it without Michael knowing. The driver took your bag. He drove you into the city. The Dorchester was on Park Lane and the trees in Hyde Park were full and dark against the streetlights as you came up Knightsbridge in the back of the car.
The doorman knew who you were. He had clearly been briefed. He nodded at you and waved you through without making a fuss, and the night manager met you in the lobby and walked you to the lift personally, and you went up to the top floor of the Dorchester at half past eleven at night with a small bag in your hand and your heart in your throat.
The lift opened.
The Harlequin Suite was at the end of the corridor.
You walked toward the door.
You knocked.
There was a pause. A long one. You could hear footsteps inside.
The door opened.
Michael was in pyjama bottoms and an old white tshirt. His hair was loose. His face was pale, blotchy and tired. His brown eyes were puffy and he was holding a book in one hand, his finger marking the page, and when he saw you standing in the corridor at the door of his hotel suite, his face contorted into joy, whatever of it he had left.
He did not speak. He could not.
You set your bag down on the carpet.
He pulled you into him by the front of your coat. He buried his face in your shoulder. He made a sound that was barely a sound at all ā a small, broken release of breath, the sound a person made when something they had been holding for too long and their body could not hold it anymore.
He cried into your neck. The book fell out of his hand and onto the carpet behind him.
You let him cry. You stroked the back of his hair, waiting patiently for him to release you.
When he could speak, he pulled back. He looked at you. His eyes were filled to the brim with sorrow. His eyes never lied to you.
He looked at you like he could not believe you were standing there. Like he had not allowed himself to even consider that you might come.
"How are you here?"
"Frank booked the flight at like six this morning, my time."
"Y/N ā"
"You needed me here."
"You crossed an ocean ā what about your play?"
"I would cross a hundred of them, Michael if it meant I could make sure you were okay."
He just looked at you. You reached up. You put your hand on the side of his face. You held it there.
"I'm here," you said. "I am here. We are going to figure this out. We are going to figure out how to do this ā all of it. The tabloid stuff and the tour. We are going to figure it out together ā how to get you into a good mental place. I am not going anywhere. Not now, not ever. I don't care if I need to quit the play ā I want you to be okay."
He nodded solemnly.
You pulled him back in. You held him in the doorway of his suite at the Dorchester until he stopped shaking.
ā˰ā¹Ė
You did not leave the suite for two days.
Wayne quietly moved the album press around. Bill kept people away so that he could rest. The London leg paused for fortyeight hours and nobody in the press caught wind of why, because Frank, Wayne, Bill and Michael's team were good at what they did, and because Michael had spent twenty years building this team that knew him intrinsically. He rarely took time for himself and so when he did, they honoured it completely.
You ordered room service. You watched television with him. You sat on the balcony of the suite and looked out over Hyde Park in the rain and held his hand. You went for a walk together very late at night, around two in the morning, when there was nobody about, and he wore a baseball cap pulled low and you walked the length of Park Lane in silence with your arm through his. You spoke of cartoons, and dreams of his that weren't fully realised yet. You told him you'd been scribbling ideas down for a new play.
He apologised, on and off, for the first few days you were there. You told him to stop apologising. He apologised for apologising. You hated how broken he looked. How much the external teams pushed him, just complete disregard to his health.
The doctor came back on the third morning. He sat with Michael in the suite for an hour. He spoke to him gently. You couldn't make out a lot of it, but you hoped it would be okay.
He spoke to you afterward. He told you, very plainly, what you already knew ā that Michael had been running on empty for a long time, that the sleep was the urgent thing, that the tour management was going to have to be looked at properly to figure out why this kept happening. Why the scheduling was so tight.
It was not normal for a person to travel and exert themselves so much as he did.
The doctor left a prescription and his number written down. He shook your hand at the door and said thank you for being here.
You closed the door and you cried for a few minutes in the bathroom and then you went back out and got into bed beside Michael and watched a film with him until he fell asleep on your shoulder.
By the fifth evening together, he was sleeping properly.
He fell asleep with his head on your stomach on the sofa in the suite, with a movie playing on the television neither of you were watching. You read a book over the top of his head and you ran your fingers through his hair and you felt him breathing slow and steady against your ribs.
You looked at him there.
This was what mine, properly meant. Caring even when things felt like they were never looking up. Even when it affected your life.
You leaned down. You kissed the top of his head, willing all of his pain to diminish.
ā˰ā¹Ė
Day six was different.
Michael slept for fourteen hours. You woke at some point in the middle of it and watched him for a long minute, struck by the way grown men only really look like boys again when they are properly asleep ā face turned into the pillow, one hand curled loosely against his jaw, the line between his eyebrows finally smooth.
The room was full of the grey light a London morning could offer. It could not decide whether to rain or not, and somewhere in the city a church bell was ringing the hour.
You let him sleep, ordered tea and read for two hours by the window.
When he finally stirred, just past eleven, the first thing he said was ā
"I am extremely hungry."
You laughed.
"What do you want?"
"Everything."
"Be specific."
He rolled onto his back and considered the ceiling.
"Pancakes. The tallest pancakes they have. And toast with jam, please"
You picked up the phone on the nightstand and ordered the kind of breakfast that would have fed a small wedding. Pancakes, bacon, eggs, fruit, two pots of coffee in case one of them was wrong, a stack of toast, a small pot of marmalade because he had once mentioned, in passing, that he liked English marmalade and of course, the Jam.
The man on the other end of the line did not flinch.
A waiter arrived twenty minutes later with a trolley so elaborate it had its own subtle suspension system. He set the table by the window with the practised, eyesdown discretion of a man who had served stranger people in this suite than the two of you, and he was gone before you had finished saying thank you.
Michael came out of the bathroom in his red plaid pyjama bottoms and the same old white tshirt, his hair damp at the temples where he had splashed his face. He took one look at the trolley and stopped.
"Y/N."
"Mm."
"This is a lot of food."
"You gave a long list."
"I underestimated the amount, I think."
You watched him approach the trolley the way a person approaches something at a museum. He lifted the silver cover off the pancakes. He looked at them for a long moment.
Then he turned to you with his face completely serious and said ā
"This is the best day of my life," his smile was reaching his eyes again.
"My sweet girl, and all these sweet foods"
You spent breakfast on the carpet by the window in the end. He insisted. He said the chairs were too formal for the magnitude of the meal, which made you laugh so hard you choked on your tea you had been nursing that whole time, and you ended up sitting crosslegged on the floor with the plates between you.
Hyde Park beyond the glass and the soft, even patter of London rain just starting against the window.
He cut his pancakes into perfect triangles, which you found a little neurotic but very endearing.
He poured maple syrup with the slow ceremony of a priest performing communion.
You watched him from across the makeshift picnic and felt something burn in your stomach. He was letting himself be a bit more free again ā released from the prison of his mind. The prison of his job.
He looked up halfway through munching on the toast.
"You are staring at me."
"You are very entertaining to watch. You look at everything with such wonder"
He raised an eyebrow.
The rain picked up against the window in a soft, even rush, and for a moment neither of you spoke, it felt like a small holiday from the rest of complicated adult life.
ā˰ā¹Ė
By the afternoon, the rain had settled in properly.
Michael was lying on the sofa with his head in your lap. He had a paperback open against his chest that he had not turned a page of in twenty minutes. You were reading too, one hand absently working through his hair, the soft thick of it sliding through your fingers in the same slow rhythm you had been doing it for nearly an hour. He had not noticed. You were not sure he was awake.
The television was on but muted. A music programme was playing ā old footage of various artists from various decades, the kind of nostalgic midafternoon slot that British television loved.
You glanced up at the screen and immediately stopped reading.
Thriller.
The opening shot. The famous tracking shot. The video had just begun.
You looked down at Michael.
He had felt you go still. His eyes opened.
"What."
You nodded at the television.
He turned his head. He saw what was on the screen. His face contorted and he pulled away.
"Oh no."
"Oh yes."
"No. Y/N. We are not doing this." He grabbed the remote off of the glass side table and switched the TV off.
"I am proud of it, but my god is it awkward to see yourself act on the screen" He said.
"Tell me about it" You rolled your eyes playfully.
He turned around and looked at you incredulously.
"Are you getting feisty with me?"
He started trying to tickle your sides. You laughed and pushed him away but he, even with his small frame, was still much stronger than you.
He then dove in for a sneaky kiss.
The kiss started as a punctuation mark ā a firm, grounding press of his mouth against yours, something to stop the laughter, to halt the teasing.
But it didn't end there. It deepened, softened, became a question instead of a statement. Can we do this?
His lips parted against yours, and you felt the warm, slow slide of his tongue seeking entrance.
You granted it with a soft sigh, your hands coming up to cradle his face, your thumbs stroking the high, sharp planes of his cheekbones.
He tasted of maple syrup and orange juice and the faint, clean mint of toothpaste from earlier.
The scent of him ā sandalwood soap, the warm, dry smell of his skin, laundry detergent and the lingering sweetness of marmalade on his breath ā wrapped around you, pulling you deeper into the moment.
The rain was a steady, hushed rhythm against the window now, sealing you both inside this quiet, private world. A world you never seen often.
He shifted, turning more fully toward you on the sofa, one knee coming up to bracket your hip.
The paperback was forgotten, slipping from his chest to the floor with a soft thump. His hands left your sides, one sliding up your back to tangle in your hair, the other coming to rest at the base of your throat, his thumb stroking the frantic pulse there.
"You're really here," he murmured against your lips, āreal.ā the words a warm puff of air. It wasn't a question. It was a wonder.
"I am now feeling fully awake, to realise it." He said, wonder struck.
"I'm really here," you whispered back, and you felt the shudder that went through him, a fullbody tremor of relief.
He kissed you again, slower this time, explorative. His tongue traced the seam of your lips, then delved inside, mapping your mouth, the line of your teeth, with a lazy, thorough curiosity that made your toes curl against the sofa cushions.
This wasn't the frantic, desperate clinging from the doorway. This was something else. Something reclamatory. He was rediscovering you, and in doing so, perhaps, rediscovering a part of himself that had been buried under fatigue and headlines.
His hand left your throat and drifted down, skating over the soft wool of your sweater. His fingers found the hem and slipped beneath, his palm flattening against the bare skin of your stomach.
You gasped into his mouth at the contact, feeling a little touch starved ā his hands were always surprisingly warm, a contrast to his often cool exterior. He made a low, approving sound in his chest, the vibration of it against your own.
"This okay?" he breathed, pulling back just enough to look into your eyes. His were dark, pupils blown wide, the hazel almost swallowed by black. The puffy tiredness was still there, but it was overshadowed now by a kind of hungry focus that was entirely for you.
"More than okay," you managed, your voice rough.
He nodded once, a small, decisive movement, and then his mouth was on yours again, hotter, hungrier. His hand under your sweater roamed upward, palming the curve of your breast through the lace of your bra. He rolled your nipple between his thumb and forefinger, like he learned you like; pressure but still tender, and you moved into the touch, a sharp, sweet bolt of pleasure lancing through you.
You tugged at the hem of his old white tshirt. He broke the kiss long enough to pull it over his head in one swift, graceful motion, tossing it aside. The sight of him still caught your breath sometimes. He was lean, all elegant lines and taut muscle, the pale skin dusted with a faint sprinkle of dark hair across his chest and of course, patches of much darker skin. The v line down into his pants was just as distracting as the coily, dark happy trail. You throbbed with want.
A dark patch on his collarbone, another on his ribs ā mapped a history of his life you knew only in fragments. You leaned forward and pressed your lips to the one on his collarbone, feeling him suck in a sharp breath. You thought he was an otherworldly beautiful.
āMichael, you genuinely are gorgeous,ā you whispered against his skin. He threw his head back, probably euphoric at hearing that sentiment, āmy angel faceā you finished, basically whispering at his throat.
Your own sweater followed his shirt, then your bra.
The cool air of the suite pebbled your skin, but his gaze was hotter than any fire. He looked at you with that same museumintensity he'd given everything in his life he loved, but now it was layered with a possessiveness that made your core clench.
"Beautiful," he whispered, the word reverent. He leaned in and took one nipple into his mouth, sucking gently, his tongue flicking over the peak. You moaned outloud into the quiet air, your fingers digging into his shoulders. He switched to the other, lavishing it with the same devoted attention, one hand coming up to knead and tease the wet, abandoned breast.
The friction of his plaid pajama bottoms against your thighs was maddening. You reached for the drawstring, your fingers fumbling. He helped you, lifting his hips so you could push them down, along with his briefs. He sprang free, very hard, the tip glistening from pent up want.
You wrapped your hand around him, stroking slowly from root to tip, feeling the velvety skin slide over the iron hardness beneath. He dropped his forehead to your shoulder with a choked groan.
"Baby⦠wait, wait," he panted. "Not here. Not the first time in days. I want⦠the bed. I want to take my time with you."
You nodded, breathless. He stood, pulling you up with him, and then, in a move that made you squeal, he bent and scooped you up into his arms. He was stronger than he looked, dancer's strength and totally unassuming.
He carried you through the suite, past the remains of the grand breakfast, into the dim, raingrey light of the bedroom.
He laid you down on the massive bed with a tenderness that belied the urgency thrumming between you.
He followed you down, covering your body with his, and the feel of him ā all warm, bare skin and hard angles settling against your softness ā was a homecoming. He kissed you deeply, his weight a perfect, welcome pressure.
He began to move down your body, his mouth leaving a trail of fire. He kissed the hollow of your throat, the space between your breasts, the quivering plane of your stomach.
He hooked his fingers in the waistband of your leggings and panties and drew them down your legs ever so slowly, his eyes never leaving yours. When you were bare, he knelt between your thighs, just looking for a long, heated moment.
"So ethereal," he murmured, his voice thick. "All for me."
And then he lowered his head.
His mouth on your cunt was a revelation every single time. He was an artist here, too ā meticulous, attentive, devastatingly skilled.
He had learned you over the year time had to together: listening out for what made you whine most and what had you bubbling over quickly. He was a quick study.
He started slow, broad, wet strokes of his tongue through your folds, gathering your wetness.
He licked into you, deep, and you bucked, a nonsensical mumble of pleasure coming from your throat. He held your hips down with surprising firmness, his moan of pleasure vibrating against your most sensitive skin. He genuinely enjoyed making you feel good.
"Mmm, you taste so good, sweet girl," he growled, the filthy words at odds with the angelic focus of his actions. "Always so sweet for me."
He zeroed in on your clit, circling it with the very tip of his tongue, fast, then slow, then fast again, reading your body's responses like sheet music. His fingers joined the symphony, one, then two, sliding into your tight, dripping heat with ease, curling upward to stroke that perfect, hidden spot inside you.
"Michaelā right there, pleaseā" you babbled, your hands fisting in the duvet.
He hummed against you, the vibration pushing you higher, higher. His fingers pumped in a steady, relentless rhythm, his mouth never leaving your clit. The world narrowed to the fourposter bed, the sound of the rain, and the exquisite pressure building tighter and tighter in your belly.
You were chanting his name now, a broken litany, your hips rolling against his face, seeking more, more, more. Grabbing his soft curls with your hand, guiding, frantic.
He slid a third finger into you, stretching you beautifully, and sucked your clit hard between his lips.
You came with a shattered yelp, your back bowing off the bed, your vision whiting out at the edges.
Pleasure soared through you, wave after wave of it, your inner muscles clenching rhythmically around his dexterous fingers.
He crawled back up your body, his face glistening with your wetness, and kissed you, letting you taste yourself on his tongue, and you moaned into the kiss, the sensation deeply, primally erotic.
"I need you," he gasped against your mouth, his cock, rockhard and leaking, nudging against your soaked entrance. "Please, Y/N. I need to be inside you."
"Yes," you breathed, wrapping your legs around his hips. "Now, Michael. Please."
He positioned himself, the head of his cock pressing against you. He looked into your eyes, his own blazing with a mix of love, lust, and a vulnerability that made your heart ache. He rubbed the tip up and down your core, exciting you even more. The sensation was so heightened from your unwinding before.
He then pushed forward, slowly, inexorably, filling you inch by glorious inch.
"Fuhhhck," he hissed, his entire body trembling with the effort of going slow. "So tight. So perfect. God, I missed this. I missed you, my girl"
When he was fully sheathed, he paused, buried to the hilt, letting you both adjust to the overwhelming feeling of fullness, of reconnection.
You could feel every heartbeat pulsing through him, deep inside you. You lifted your hips, a subtle, begging movement. His eyes were hazy looking, blown out and high on you.
He got the message.
He began to move, pulling out almost all the way before sliding back in with a deep, rolling thrust that punched the air from your lungs. He set a slow, deep, grinding rhythm, each stroke dragging against every nerve ending inside you. It wasn't frantic. It was profound. Each penetration felt like a vow, each withdrawal a promise to return.
"Look at me," he whispered, his voice ragged. You forced your eyes open, meeting his intense gaze. "See me in this moment. Only you see me like this."
Tears pricked at your eyes. You reached up, tracing the line of his jaw, his lips. "I see you, baby. I always see you."
He kissed you, swallowing your words, and his pace began to quicken, the slow grind giving way to more urgent snaps of his hips. The angle changed, and he hit a spot that made you see stars, over and over again. The wet, filthy sound of your bodies joining filled the room, a counterrhythm to the rain.
"You feel so good," he panted, his breath hot against your ear. "My sweet girl. Taking my cock so well. Gonna make you come again. Gonna feel you. Gonna make you shout my name so everyone can hear who makes you feel this goodā
His dirty talk, so at odds with his public persona, never failed to unravel you. He only got this filthy when he was near his finish.
You felt the second orgasm building, deeper, slower, a rising tide rather than a crashing wave. He felt it too. He slipped a hand between your bodies, his thumb finding your swollen clit and rubbing tight, rapid circles.
"That's it," he coaxed, his thrusts becoming harder, less controlled. "Come for me, baby. Let go. I've got you. I'm looking after you now"
You shattered. This climax was different ā less scream, more sob. A deep, fullbody unclenching that washed through you in warm, pulsing waves, pulling a guttural cry from your throat.
Your cunt clamped down on him, rhythmic and intense, and that was all it took.
With a broken shout of your name, he followed you over the edge. His hips stuttered, his body locking as he buried himself as deep as he could go, pulsing hotly inside you.
"Y/Nā ahā!" He came in long, hot spurts, his release filling you, his whole body shuddering through the aftershocks.
He collapsed on top of you, his weight a blissful anchor, his face buried in your neck. You could feel his heart hammering against your chest, a frantic echo of your own. You held him, your hands stroking the sweatslick skin of his back, listening to his ragged breaths slowly even out.
The rain continued its gentle patter. A distant siren wailed somewhere in Mayfair and faded.
After a long while, he shifted, sliding out of you which made you both shiver with the intimacy.
He rolled to the side, pulling you with him, tucking you against his chest, your back to his front. He wrapped his arms around you, his legs tangling with yours, and kissed the top of your shoulder.
"I love you," he said, his voice sleepslurred and utterly satiated.
"I love you more," you whispered.
He made a soft, dismissive sound. "Impossible."
You lay there in the grey afternoon light, wrapped in each other and the quiet, the smell of sex and rain and his skin filling the air.
The world and its tabloids and its stages felt a million miles away. Here, in this bed, there was only this; the steady beat of his heart against your back, the warmth of his body curled around yours, and the profound, quiet certainty that, for now at least, he was safe. He was at home home. And so were you. You found it in each other, you realised.
ā˰ā¹Ė
Two whole decades passed.
You got married, in the end, when you were forty one and Michael was forty two. A Thursday in October at Neverland, a very very small gathering.
You both, despite your lavish lifestyles, didn't enjoy such a fuss being made, and valued privacy more than anything. No ammunition to give to the press.
He had bought Neverland three years before that.
Not for himself. Not really. A two thousand acre estate in the Santa Ynez Valley, two and a half hours north of LA, with rolling oak hills and a lake and a stand of trees so old they predated California's statehood; and he had told you about it on a phone call at two in the morning from Tokyo. He said he wanted somewhere quiet and freeing. He said he wanted a piece of the world that was only his.
The other reason came out slower. In small admissions at different times, that he had not planned to make to you about his childhood.
He told you, one night in the brownstone you owned together in NYC, with his head on your stomach on the sofa, that he wanted a place where children could come and feel safe. Feel safer than he did as a kid, as he was constantly thrown into adult situations, and was robbed of the magic of playing make believe.
He planned to bring children who were sick. Children from hospitals. Children from all different circumstances. Children who had never seen a horse or sat on a Ferris wheel or eaten sweeties that had not been bought from a vending machine.
He wanted to build the kind of place he had never been allowed to have ā a place that was just for being a child, with no schedule and no audience and no work attached to it. He wanted to give them what he had never got.
He said it with his eyes closed. He said it like a confession and something he could clearly see in his mind.
He started building within the year. A small fairground. A theatre. Then, a garden with a railway line that ran through it and a station.
He hired a head of operations and a small staff and started bringing groups of children up every other weekend, with their families and their nurses, and the press did not know about it for a long time because neither of you wanted them to ruin the perfect.
The first time he brought you up to see the property, you got to see him fully release the stress in his shoulders and frolic gracefully around in the grass. You felt so compelled to do the same, because you totally shared his vision.
It was the most honest thing Michael had ever done in his life; care for those kids. It came from such a deep gratitude for his fame, fortune and experiences within music ā he could provide a wealth of experience to the greatly deserving.
It was also, you realised, over the years that followed, where he had finally become himself. Not the version on the stages and the magazine covers. The other Michael.
The one who walked the gardens in the early evening to check the train was running properly and would babble, cackle and play pranks on his staff.
The one who knew every member of the local community by name and the names of their children.
You'd watch fondly as he, now in his fifties, would sit on the low wall by the carousel with a cup of tea and watch the families come through and not need to be anywhere else in the world.
He had spent his whole childhood working. He had built himself a place to finally discover what it was like to be still. And just be⦠Michael.
ā˰ā¹Ė
Jane was born thirteen months after the wedding.
It was a Tuesday in November. You went into labour at four in the afternoon at Neverland and the staff drove the two of you to the hospital in Santa Barbara, and Michael held your hand in the back of the car the entire way and did not let go of it for the next fourteen hours. He was there for every second of it.
"Breathe Y/N, in and outttttt" he sung the last word, strong vibrato. The nurse was giving him a major side eye.
You grabbed his hand as hard as you could and yelped out, another contraction wracking through your very heavily pregnant body.
"Fuck." You screamed, sweat lashing down your forehead, as you tried your best to breathe, and push, and also not shit yourself in front of the 15 people working in the room right now.
Michael didn't let go, but he proclaimed brightly; "She meant fudge everyone, fudge!"
You rolled your eyes as hard as you could and then gave him a death stare. He didn't seem to care about your reaction, the elation of his baby being born was keeping him on an untouchable plane, he was on cloud 9.
ā˰ā¹Ė
He stayed at the head of the bed when the time came and he did not look away once, and when the doctor finally placed her on your chest; small and almost purple, screaming, with a head of dark curly hair that nobody had quite been expecting, he made a sound you had never heard out of him in your life and then just burst into the most happy sobs.
He sat down on the edge of the bed. He could not stand up, his legs so weak from pure, harmonious joy. You'd given him a daughter. A baby you had made lovingly.
He put one hand on her tiny back and cupped one hand on your cheek, catching any tears that spilled over from your eyes.
You both just wailed, of sheer, unfiltered happiness, for about ten minutes, while she screamed and the nurses moved gently around the three of you with the practised care, making sure everything was alright.
He named her, in the end. You let him. He had been carrying the name Jane around in his head since he was a boy, from the world of the infamous novel 'Peter Pan' by JM Barrie. His love of the Disney film was apparent early on in your relationship, and you smiled, reminded of the first time he explained the plot of the movie to you. 'Jane' was Wendy Darling's daughter in the book ā and he swore that whenever he had a girl himself, that would be her name.
Oliver came two years later. A boy. Smaller than Jane had been. Quieter, even at birth, he didn't really cry that much. Michael wept again. He carried Oliver back and forth across the hospital room for two hours that night while you slept, just walking and talking to him quietly, and when you woke up at four in the morning he was sitting in the chair by the window with his son asleep against his chest, telling him very softly about the 'magical' trees on the grounds of Neverland.
Audrey was the surprise.
You were forty six. He was forty seven. You had both decided, maturely, that you could not have any more ā mostly due to the post natal depression you experienced and had to pull yourself out of each time. He had agreed that it made sense to focus on the two little monsters you already had.
And then, 'pregnant' appeared on a test that you felt randomly compelled to take on a Saturday morning in your bedroom bathroom at the ranch, and you had walked downstairs in your dressing gown and shown it to him at the kitchen table and he had stared at it for ten full seconds before he started laughing and crying at the same time. He picked you up and kissed you so hard, you swore your lips would bruise.
"Jane, applehead, your mommy has a baby in her tummy" he explained proudly, whist kneeling down to cuddle your two other kids.
ā˰ā¹Ė
He held her in the hospital with his face wet and said, very quietly ā thank god we were wrong about being done.
He was there for every single one of them. Every single birth. Every single first feed. Every single sleepless night for the first three months after each baby came home.
He turned down a tour leg in asia the year Jane was born because he refused to leave her. He turned down a Disney soundtrack offer the year Oliver was born for the same reason.
He told his label, and management team, very politely and very firmly, that for the foreseeable future the children came first, and they could either work around it or drop him, and the label very wisely worked around it. His lifeās work had led him to become a father and that was his priority.
ā˰ā¹Ė
The brownstone in the Village was your refuge in the city. The ranch became your real home.
The children grew up between the two places, with a private tutor for the years they could not be in a normal school, and then normal school in the local community near the ranch, for the years they could.
They also had ecentric summers at Hayvenhurst with Michael's rather large family. They had so many cousins it got hard to count them all. Grand birthday parties, clowns and magicians that Michael would hire in to make sure his children, nieces and nephews would have exciting formative memories.
They had weekends with their grandparents on both sides and a childhood that you had both worked very hard, very deliberately, to make as ordinary as possible for children whose father was the most famous man alive and the least ordinary person to walk this earth.
You had never felt so alive, as to see Michael get along with his family again, after years of being distant from them. His brothers were fantastic uncles to your little onesĀ and genuinely amazing company to keep. It was all relentless jokes, BBQ parties, mini concerts and A LOT of people. You loved the Jackson's but they were a messy bunch. Figuratively and literally.
Jackie, Michael's eldest brother, had cuddled you on a bright summer early evening, and told you that he was glad you were looking after his little baby, Michael. You had welled up at the thought of his brother finally seeing him happy, after a dark past.
ā˰ā¹Ė
You retired from the stage at fifty two. You wrote two plays after that. The second one won the Pulitzer.
Michael, who had quite literally been your number 1 fan āand was still known to sneak into the stalls at performances of your written work, well into his 50s, even if you weren't there ā went on to hang the certificate in his office.
He stopped touring at fifty six.
Not by choice exactly. His back had been going for a long time ā the kind of slow wear that dancers know all too well. His knees had followed, and then somewhere in the year he turned fifty six there had been a show in Madrid where he had finished the encore and walked off the stage and quietly told Bill he was done.
He came home that week. He sat with you on the back terrace and he held your hand and he said ā I want to be at home with them. While they still want me there. I don't want to be the dad who came back in the summer. I want to be the one who's just here.
Jane was twelve. Oliver was ten. Audrey was eight.
He told them himself, at dinner, the night he made the decision. He told them their dad was going to be at home from now on. He told them he was sorry he had been gone so much. He told them he was going to take Audrey to school in the mornings and pick her up in the afternoons and be at every single one of Oliver's tournaments and every single one of Jane's school plays.
Jane had cried.
Audrey, who had been eight at the time, had said ā but Daddy, what are you going to do all day?
Michael had laughed. He had picked her up onto his lap. He had said; I'm going to be your dad, Auddie. That's the job.
You knew Michael loved you so, but he loved his kids even more and then sent sparks of unfiltered delight through your veins.
He had been your home for the best part of 30 years, and now he could live peacefully within the one he built to protect himself and his children, without burden and without harm.
SYNOPSIS: Michael's got a terrible habit of disappearing when the world gets too loud. He has to find an escape from everything, and that includes reader. But, he can't hide from his person forever.
CONTENT: fluff, hurt/comfort, vitiligo onset, prescription pain pill use, thriller!Michael, era 1984, post-pepsi accident, communication issues, established relationship, very emotional
Original Request: @ttangerinexo : Angst where Michael basically becomes a recluse and doesn't really speak or meet with gf!reader. He kinda disappears. She becomes tired of trying to reach out to him, his friends and family after trying countless times to see if he's okay or his whereabouts but he doesn't wanna talk or be found. Maybe his mental health wasn't good? You can decide if you want a fluffy ending and the reason why he disappears. Sorry if this is a vague ask. :( love your work š
Author's Note: This story is so near and dear to my heart. I really hope you guys enjoy it, it was so special and healing for me to write it. Thank you so much to my bby @ttangerinexo for such an amazing requestš also PLS listen to the song it's so good and fits the vibe of the fic so well. This was inspired by a trip Mike took to caribou ranch in the 80s before it burned down.
It was early morning when Michael woke. The room was dim, curtains drawn. His eyes slowly fluttered open, and immediately, he felt a dull, tender ache at the crown of his head. His throat was dry, and the air felt heavy and stale. He had slept for a full 8 hours, but still, his body felt exhausted.
Michael slowly sat up, the pounding in his head becoming sharper as he sat up fully. He winced, clenching his eyes shut from the dull, throbbing sensation. It was the type of ache that seemed to sit beneath his scalp rather than on top of it. Slowly, he opened his eyes to look at the digital clock on his nightstand.
6:00am. Rehearsal was in an hour.
Shakily, Michael reached for the glass of water that sat on the desk. He swished the water slowly in his mouth, alleviating the dryness. On his nightstand sat a prescription bottle, a folded towel, and a book he had started, but never finished.Ā
He sat still for a moment, trying to figure out how bad the ache was.Ā
Next to him, you had stirred awake. āWhatās wrong, Michael?ā sleepily, you rubbed your eyes as your vision came into focus.
āNothinā mama. Just gotta get ready for rehearsal, thatās all.ā Michaelās voice was soft. His fingertips pressed into his temples, massaging gingerly in an effort to alleviate some of the ache that chronically lived there now. Your palm found his back, and he relaxed slightly under his touch.
āHow bad is it today?ā You knew all too well that Michael had been struggling with intense migraines and pain that was almost concussion-like since his accident. One that had changed his life drastically in a matter of seconds. The memory sent a chill over your body.
āIām fine. Not as bad as usual.ā His response was short. Michael stood up suddenly to make his way to the bathroom. Instantly, he regretted it. The throbbing in his head progressed into a pounding rhythm that made blood rush to his ears. You saw the way he tried to balance himself quickly. The way his hand rose to his belly to steady himself.
Michaelās hair was still sensitive. Healing skin pulled as he slept. The accident was months ago, but his body hadnāt forgotten.
His gaze drifted over to the prescription bottle that sat on his nightstand. He shook his head at himself, avoiding your eye contact. Without a word, he grabbed the bottle from the dresser and headed straight to the bathroom before you could question him further.
Once inside, he fidgeted with the bottle in his hands. He hated it. Hated needing it to just get a sliver of relief from the constant ache that had established itself beneath his scalp. But he was also very aware of what would happen if he skipped it.Ā
The pain would build until he literally could not think. Dance. Or work. Until he couldnāt be the Michael Jackson everyone expected him to be.
So, grudgingly, he took the pill.
He told himself it was discipline. Just take the medication. Get dressed, go to rehearsal, and for the love of godĀ donātĀ make anyone worry or treat you more fragile than you already feel.Ā
The pills helped, but he couldnāt help but notice the way they softened him around the edges. Sometimes, Michael felt like he was a half-step behind his usual self. And honestly, he felt guilty for needing something just to make it through the day.
Michael chose his clothes carefully. Layers. Long sleeves and pants. Nothing too revealing. He dressed himself carefully, making sure to avoid looking too closely at his body in the mirror.Ā
Once dressed, he only checked what the world would see. His hair, his face, his clothing, and his smile.Ā
āāāĀ āā āā āĀ āāā
An hour later, Michael found himself at rehearsal. The room was loud with heavy bass, counts, and the constant squeak of shoes on the floor. Mirrors lined the walls, making it impossible for one to not acknowledge their reflection. The scent of sweat and s-curl activator hung heavily in the air.
Generally, other than the stage, this is where Michael felt most at home. Where he was himself. He was usually electric in this space.
But today, he felt off.
The beginning notes of āShake Your Body Down To The Groundā rang throughout the room, and the men immediately jumped into the choreography. Michael was a fraction late on his turn when his cue came. He recovered, continuing to give the number his best. Then, he missed a foot placement. And Marlon noticed.
āMike, you good? You never miss that cue.ā His brotherās eyebrows were furrowed with concern, and the others were watching closer now too.Ā
Michael grew quiet, feeling heat creep up his neck. Embarrassment.Ā Ā The stage was the one place that Michael could always prove that he was still in control of his life.
His tone was defensive when it came out. Not cruel, but sharper than usual.
āI know the step.ā Was all he said. No one argued with him, sensing his sudden mood change. He was like that these days, and his brothers knew when not to push further. āI know it.ā He spoke again, finalizing the conversation.
For the remainder of rehearsal, Michael pushed himself.Ā Hard.Ā He didnāt need anyone noticing that he was off his square and making him feel smaller than he already did. He ran through the section again and again until his muscles ached and his throat was raw. Michael found himself blinking frequently, trying to clear the fog that he felt clouding his head.Ā
Those damn meds. I knew I shouldāve just pushed through.Ā He thought to himself, sucking his teeth under his breath. His shirt was drenched with sweat and so was his hair, it dripped continuously into his eyes. His head was still pounding. And externally, he movements had become more forceful, but less precise.Ā
You arrived somewhere near the end of rehearsals. Immediately, you knew something was wrong. Michaelās eyes were glazed and hazy. His patience was thinner, and he was snapping at his brothers a lot. And when he thought no one was looking, he kept rubbing the back of his head and neck.
Once rehearsals ended and goodbyes began, you made your way over to Michael from where you had been standing watching. His eyes softened as soon as they landed on you. His shoulders dropped slightly from their tense position. You wrapped your arms around his waist without speaking. Ignoring the sweat, you pressed your face flush to his chest as your thumbs stroked his back. He sighed a tired sigh heavily and relaxed into your embrace. He wrapped his arms around your shoulders and rested his chin on the top of your head, swaying you both back and forth gently. The tender moment lasted for a while, you both needed it.Ā
You bit down on your lip nervously as you debated how to ask your question. Michael was extremely sensitive these days, and his appetite was one of those things that could be a trigger.
āHave you eaten today?ā the question came out soft, and you braced yourself for his response. Michaelās arms dropped from your shoulders, but you kept holding him. āIām just askinā.ā
āIām fine.ā He mumbled. He felt like he was using those words excessively these days. And he hated it.
You refused to let up this time. āThatās not what I asked you, Michael Jackson.ā
At that, he gave you a look. Not angry, but overwhelmingly defensive. Then, without a word, he gently removed himself from your grasp, and walked over to a speaker where his water was.Ā
You had only turned your back for a moment to talk to Jackie, and when youĀ Ā turned back Michael was gone. Unbeknownst to you, he was humiliated.
It was all too much. The pain, the criticism from his brothers, and now you lecturing him about eating. He knew you meant well, but he couldnāt help but feel like a fragile fledgling that everyone was walking on eggshells around.
So, he left.
āāāĀ āā āā āĀ āāā
Steam fogged the bathroom mirror as the water from the shower beat down on Michael. Hot enough that it was turning his skin pink in some places. His head ached and his muscles were screaming from overexertion. Still, Michael stood under the water and allowed it to beat down on his fatigued body. It was one of the few places no one could ask him questions.
He was moving on autopilot, his mind was somewhere else. He ran the wash cloth gingerly over his body, moving with no urgency. Just trying not to think, really. He began rinsing the suds off of his body, rotating to allow the water to caress his skin.Ā
Then he looked down. At first, he thought it was the light playing a trick on his eyes. An optical illusion. Then he looked closer. And thatās when he saw it. The marbling had spread across his thighs, much more than he remembered. There were pale patches of skin and uneven pinkish tones where his skin used to be smooth and familiar. His eyes drifted up, finally noticing that the marbling had spread to his abdomen too. Michael swallowed, and suddenly his saliva felt thick.
It wasnāt just one spot anymore, and it wasnāt something that he could just continue to ignore. And the thought stopped him cold. The water was still running, and he could still hear the sounds of the outside world. But internally, everything had stopped. His breathing changed.
Suddenly he was back in his doctorās office.
The lights in the office were fluorescent and a man dressed in stark white crinkled papers, flipping through them casually.Ā
The manās voice was clinical, but too soft. Too calm. Thatās when Michael knew.Ā
āVitiligo can be unpredictable, Mr. Jackson. It may spread gradually. It could flare,ā the man spoke about the possibilities of Michaelās condition as if he was discussing the weather. āStress, trauma, illness, and physical strain will aggravate the condition. I canāt promise you that it will stay contained to one area. Stress management will be very important.ā
Michaelās mind lingered on the doctorās warning back in the present. And he felt an awful twist in his stomach.
It was happening.
He had hoped that he could outrun this. He hoped the doctors were wrong.Ā
He thought if he worked hard enough, controlled his life as much as he could, prayed enough, and covered enough, things would be manageable. But now, it had spread. In places that only he could see. And you.Ā
At the realization, Michael shut off the water and got out of the shower quickly. Too quickly, almost slipping. Frantically he wiped the mirror with his hand. He looked down at his body, doing a triple take.
The world had already decided his face belonged to them. His voice. His body. And now, he felt like his complexion was leaving without asking him. Michael went totally still as he stared at his reflection. After a long while, a shaky hand grabbed a towel, wrapping it around his waist.
āāāĀ āā āā āĀ āāā
The next day was hot and busy.
The Jackson family was having a family gathering at the Hayvenhurst estate, and honestly, Michael was dreading it. The absolute last thing that he wanted to do was put on swim trunks.
The smell of freshly lit charcoal and chlorine drifted through the upstairs rooms of the home. Michael gazed at his reflection, fluffing his curls and pushing some pieces behind his ear. He was wearing a long sleeve red button up and a pair of blue jeans. A safe outfit. One where no one could see how he was changing.
You were seated by the pool already, lazily twirling your straw in your lemonade. Michael had gotten a late start today, so you got up early to help Ms. Katherine with appetizers before the pool party. You trailed your fingers over your condensation covered glass as you watched Michaelās nieces and nephews splash each other in the pool. Somewhere nearby, his brothers were jonesing each other and talking loudly.Ā
Michaelās footsteps drew you out of your daze. Your eyebrows knitted in confusion as you realized he was covered. Fully. From head to toe. Before you could question his decision to wear this outfit on an 85 degree day in Los Angeles, Jermaineās voice rang out across the water.
āMike, why you dressed like itās December?āĀ
āMan, you got on more clothes than mama usually wears.ā The men quipped back and forth, commenting on Michaelās choice of clothing. He laughed it off at first, despite the quiet ache that built in his chest. He knew they were only kidding with him. But still, in Michaelās vulnerable state, it hurt.
āI just donāt feel like swimminā today. Just gonna watch yāall.ā Michael tried to orient the flow of everyoneās focus away from him. But his brotherās quips continued, all of them completely unaware of Michaelās last 24 hours.
But you noticed. You noticed the way his smile became more rehearsed. The way his shoulders drew in, and the way he pulled at his sleeves uncomfortably. Your protective instincts kicked in quickly.
āLeave him alone. He just washed his hair, he probably doesnāt wanna get chlorine in it.ā
āHe got an excuse for everythingā Tito joked.
āAnd yāall got a comment for everything.ā
Michael laughed quietly, trying and succeeding to hide how raw he felt inside. He loved how you protected him, but he also hated that you felt like you had to. He settled into the lounge chair with you, pulling you into his chest, other hand caressing your bare thigh.
Later that day, Michael was quiet. Quieter than usual.
āYou feeling okay?ā Michael had been tapping a pencil against his notepad, staring out of the open window and waiting for inspiration to strike.
Something cracked.
It wasnāt you. It was your question. He wasĀ soĀ tired of everyone asking him if he was okay. Michael huffed under his breath as he rose to his feet, snatching his notebook from the desk.
āI said Iām fine. Can you just let me breathe?ā He grumbled, walking out of the room without another word. A painful weight settled in your chest. You wanted to help him, but you didnāt know how. And he wouldnāt let you. Now, he was shutting you out. You gave him his space, but you knew that something was deeply wrong.
āāāĀ āā āā āĀ āāā
The next morning. Michael was gone.Ā
There was no note. No phone call. No explanation. Just, gone.
He had left your shared room neat. Too neat, in an unsettling way. The closet was slightly disturbed; a few things were missing. But other important things had been left behind. You were sick.
The air still faintly smelled like him, and it made his absence feel worse.
Panic had incited within the Hayvenhurst estate. The brothers were irritated that Michael had missed rehearsal at first. But once they realized this was serious, they were driving out to visit all of Michaelās favorite places, hoping he had just wandered off.
His older sisters were calling anyone they could think of that could know something. His staff were confused, especially Bill, who he usually told everything. Katherine was distraught. She was quiet in a way that terrified you. Joseph of course, was worried about schedules and obligations.
And you, well you didnāt know what to think. You kept replaying your last encounter with him, wondering if you had missed something. And you were kicking yourself. You were chewing you bottom lip nearly raw when Marlon interrupted your train of thought.
āHow you holdinā up, mama? You need to eat something.ā You shook your head immediately, stomach turning at the thought of food. His hand settled on your back, rubbing comforting circles. āHe does this sometimes. Weāll find him. Just needs a little space, thatās all.ā
But you werenāt convinced. Michael had been pulling away from you constantly over the last two weeks. He had completely shut you out. And honestly, you didnāt know what to think. Usually, Michael always told you what was on his mind. Whatever strange thought or concept that was preoccupying his mind had always been privy to you, until now. Your mind went to places you didnāt want it to go, assuming the worst.
Did he leave because of me?
Was there someone else heād rather be with or talk to?
Did I mistake his intimacy for trust?
You felt ashamed that you were even having such selfish thoughts. But you couldnāt help it.
Sometime between La Toya deciding to call Quincy and Tito deciding to go check Michaelās favorite dance studio, you had wandered off into your shared bedroom with Michael. Your stomach twisted with a heavy sense of dread.
Scanning carefully for any sort of clue, your eyes wandered the room. One of his favorite button down shirts was folded over a chair. A book heād been reading was facedown. Sheet music notes with his handwriting littered surfaces.
And his prescription bottle was gone.
Which made the knot in your stomach twist further. Wherever heād gone, this meant he was planning to be gone a while.
Your fingers were grazing the top of Michaelās desk when they bumped into a pamphlet. It had been shoved under a stack of papers containing Michaelās lyrics. You stared down in confusion as you pulled the brochure out of the stack.
Caribou Ranch.
Michael had circled the studio name, and in the margin was a note written by him that read, āSomeday, when it gets quietā.
The memory came back to you instantly. Michael was bathed in golden light from the evening sun, smiling brightly.
The accident hadnāt happened yet. He was chattering away happily about a remote recording studio he had heard about. It was up in the Colorado mountains. A place where artists could disappear and make music. On the cover of the brochure were horses, pine trees, snow, and an old barn studio.
You remembered Michaelās words,
One day Iām gonna go here. Just work and make some magic. No cameras, no one needing anything from me.
You had laughed at the thought back then. Michael? Taking a break? Comical.
Still, Michael had smiled to himself, shrugging at the thought.Ā āI said one dayā
The realization slammed into you.
āWhat is it baby?ā Katherine had been standing in the doorway, watching you stare down at the brochure.
āI think I know where he is.ā You said softly.
Katherine entered the room fully now, closing the door behind her. Quietly, you spoke to her about the information youād stumbled upon. She was the only one you trusted to understand that if Michael left, he went because he needed to not be found.
Katherine nodded, listening quietly. Then, she reached out and closed her hand over yours.
āGo on, sweetheart. Bring our baby home.ā
And with his motherās blessing, you began coordinating your flight. Packing nothing but what was absolutely necessary.
āāāĀ āā āā āĀ āāā
The transition from Los Angeles to the Colorado mountains was stark. In the best and worst ways. The air in Colorado was thinner. The air was cold against your cheeks. There were snowcapped pine trees and winding roads everywhere you turned and the sky felt too open and wide. Most importantly, mountains rose dark and huge around you. It was a drastic difference from the constant heat, bustling streets, and intense pressure of Los Angeles.Ā
Instantly, you understood the appeal of the landscape to Michael. This was everything heād been asking for. Space to breathe.
Your heart thumped against your ribcage the whole ride to Caribou Ranch. The road continuously curved and your ears popped involuntarily. You kept looking at the pamphlet then out the window. It was exactly as pictured. Breathtaking, like something out of a movie.
Your thoughts ranged from anger to fear. And internally, you kept rehearsing what youād say.
How could you just leave like that?
Do you know how worried your family was?
Do you know what you did to me?
But ultimately, your fear interrupted those thoughts.
Please just be there.
Please be alive.
Please be alone and not with someone else.
Please let me be wrong about the worst things I imagined.
By the time you had arrived at the ranch, you were still knee deep in these thoughts. There were wood cabins and an old studio barn that seemed to be the centerpiece of the landscape.
It was quiet. Eerily quiet, except for the soft chirp of birds in the distance. The air was so cold and thin it made your lungs ache, but the smell of earth and pine floated through the air soothing it.
It was the music that told you where he was. Wherever Michael was, music followed.
A soft piano riff drifted through the air, paired with a rough vocal. A drum loop thrummed, vibrating the ground gently. The piece was unfinished and aching. Like a sailor lured by a siren, you wandered toward the sound of his voice.
The studio was warm against the cold air outside. It was dimly lit and wood paneled. Michaelās cologne drifted towards you and immediately you felt the tension in your muscles relax. He was here. You were right.
There he was. At the piano, shoulders slumped. Adorning his lanky frame was an oversized sweater, loose sweats, and a blanket around his shoulders. Somehow, he looked smaller under the dim studio lights. Tired, but still beautiful. Human.
At the sound of the door creaking opened, Michael turned to look over his shoulder. No one was supposed to be here.
When his gaze landed on you he froze. His breath hitched. Neither of you spoke.
At first, Michael felt fear wash over him.
Not relief.
She found me,Ā he thought to himself.
Then,Ā
I just left; she was probably terrified.Ā
Michaelās gaze held yours with something tender and aching. A look that said, āplease donāt hate meā.
Initially you just stood there. Relieved that he was okay. Angry that he was okay and hadnāt called.
So, you said the only thing that made sense in the moment. āYou disappearedā.
Slowly, Michael rose to his feet. As if he was approaching a frightened and unpredictable animal.
āI knowā he said softly.
āNo letter. No call.Ā Nothing?ā
āI know.ā Michaelās eyes fell to his feet now. Suddenly he was very interested in the pattern of the rug under his feet. He was ashamed.
āDo you know what everybodyās thinking, Michael?ā You stepped closer now.
His doe eyes rose, vulnerable and scared. āIām sorry, I knowā
You didnāt know where it came from, but suddenly everything youād been holding spilled out. Crushing the tension in the room.
āIs there someone else?ā Your hands were clenched at your sides, fidgeting as you tried to hold on to what little remaining patience you had.
Michael looked like you had slapped him. He was genuinely wounded by the fact that you would even consider such a thing.
āWhat? No, baby āā He immediately crossed the room, approaching you without hesitation now. You stepped backwards, heart still thumping against your ribcage.
āI donāt know what to think Michael. You just up and leave like this, you donāt tell me anything. What am I supposed to think?ā You were hugging yourself now. Providing the only comfort youād accept in the moment.Ā
Michael reached out for you, but his hand froze in the air when he saw how you were looking at him. He had frightened you. His voice cracked as he ran a hand through his disheveled curls.
āNo.ā He shook his head fervently. āBaby I swear. I would never step out on you.ā He stepped closer now, hands gingerly finding your waist. He pressed soft kisses to your temples and your forehead. His arms circled you fully now, pouring his reassurance into the gesture. āI would never do that to you. I havenāt touched anyone but you. I love you.ā He whispered.
The tenderness in his tone told you he was being truthful. You allowed your body to relax into him.
āThen why?ā Your voice was wounded. Tired.
Michael continued holding you as he tried to find the words to an answer that sounded reasonable. And he struggled. So, he just decided to be honest.
āI just couldnāt breathe.ā Then his voice broke. āIt was too much. I needed a minute.ā
Whatever anger you were holding on to melted when he finished his sentence.
āWhy didnāt you call?ā You asked, searching his face with concerned eyes.
Ā āBecause I knew if I heard your voice, I was gonna come back.ā
āāāĀ āā āā āĀ āāā
The fireplace crackled and filled the silence as you and Michael sat across from each other. It was dark outside now, and a cold breeze drifted through the cabin. Michaelās tea was untouched and he had a blanket strewn across his lap.
You sighed deeply, breaking the silence. Michael was still looking down, fingers fidgeting in his lap.
āTalk to me, Michael. What is all this?ā Your voice wasnāt accusatory. It was patient. Grounding.
Michael opened his mouth to speak but you interrupted him,
āAndĀ donātĀ tell me youāre fine. I donāt wanna hear it at all.ā Before he could get started, you warned him not to lie to you. Michaelās mouth closed, and he looked away. A hand drifted up to the back of his head, and he winced.Ā
āIām still hurtingā he whispered gently. Almost like he was afraid to admit it. āSometimes⦠the pain is sharp. Other days, it just sits there and wears me down.ā He trailed off, still not meeting your gaze. āThe medication helps, a little. But it makes me feel like everything is moving in slow motion. Like Iām standing half a step behind myself.ā The hand he was holding to his head fell into his lap and his shoulders slumped. āMy body knows the music before I do sometimes. But lately⦠I donāt trust it. I keep messing up.ā Guilt settled somewhere deep in Michaelās stomach. The very thing heād been trying to escape.
You stayed quiet and listened intently. You understood that he needed time just to process things himself.
āI feel guilty. For needing the pills. For being tired. Not bouncing back fast enough after the accident. People keep telling me Iām strong, but I donāt feel like it.ā His voice was so soft that you almost didnāt hear the last part of his sentence.
Then, he hesitated. He held your gaze with a look that told you he wanted to say something, but he was biting his tongue. He sighed shakily.
āWhat else, baby?ā Fear grew in your chest as Michaelās eyes held yours. Scared and vulnerable. He said nothing for a moment. Then he looked towards the fire.
āItās spreading.ā After a long moment, he looked toward you. You gravitated toward him immediately, not needing him to say more. You kneeled in front of him, hands on either one of his knees. His breathing trembled as he closed his eyes.
āI looked down and it was just⦠everywhere. My legs. My stomach. Places I hadnāt even checked, because I didnāt want to knowā¦ā he opened his eyes, and they were filled with tears. āI barely recognized myself.ā
Your voice was quiet and thick with empathy when it came out. āOh, babyā your hands came up to cradle his face.
He tried to laugh but it was a humorless sound.Ā
āI told youā His tone was small and devastated. āItās bad. Iām scared, babyā his hands came up, covering his face as tears started to spill. You just held him as he cried, the sobs slowly growing more racked. āIām scared of what theyāll say. They already treat me like an animal.ā
Not knowing what to say, you climbed into his lap, pulling his head into your chest. āAnd then Iām dealing with this thing with the pills. I donāt wanna be another child star that goes down the wrong path. Thatās not who I am.ā He was devastated, and it was clear in his voice. āI donāt wanna end up being one of those people everybody watches fall apart.ā
You didnāt rush him. You let him say the ugly thing. The thing that haunted him as he slept and that was making his waking life miserable.Ā
āOh Michael,ā Tears fell down your cheeks too now. It was even worse than you had imagined. āWhy didnāt you tell me?ā
āI didnāt know howā he answered, voice just above a whisper. Then after a long moment he looked up at you. āCan I show you?ā
Michael wasnāt only looking for reassurance. He was asking because hiding from you had become unbearable.
āāāĀ āā āā āĀ āāā
You and Michael had gone back to his cabin after a while. Now, he stood in front of you, hands trembling at his sides. A lamp bathed the room in warm lighting.Ā
You waited patiently as he got up the nerve to remove his clothing.Ā
āYou donāt have to show me anything youāre not ready to.ā
āI want to.ā He said quickly, doe eyes holding yours tenderly. āIām just scared.ā His head dropped and he closed his eyes. A few more moments went by, and then he decided to rip the band aid off. Gingerly, he lowered his sweats to right above his groin and raised his sweater to expose his tummy.
He was right. It had spread, drastically. His skin was marbled, and there was more pale skin than his deep honeyed complexion. Michael bit down on his bottom lip nervously, watching your every expression carefully.
You softened immediately, moving closer slowly, giving him time to stop you. āCan I touch you?ā He nodded wordlessly.
Your fingers caressed his skin gently. Fingertips tracing the edges of the pale patches of skin. You werenāt inspecting him. Just learning him again.
āMikey, this is still you.ā He looked away at your statement, eyes welling with tears again. There was no pity in your tone, only love.
āLook at meā You spoke softly, gently turning his face so that he had to look at you.
āIt doesnāt feel like me.ā The expression in his eyes made your heart swell, wishing you could carry the pain for him.
āThen Iāll remind you until it does.ā You answered. You pressed your lips to his softly, allowing the kiss to linger. Michael melted under your touch. Then, you trailed down his body. You pressed a kiss to his chest, and one to his tummy. Another at his hip.
Michael cried quietly, finally unable to continue hiding from you. You allowed him to cry and wrapped your arms around his waist. Your head rested against his tummy, just holding him and letting him cry.
āāāĀ āā āā āĀ āāā
The next morning in Colorado came softly, slipping through the curtains in pale blue strips of light instead of bursting into the room the way it did back home in California. There was no harsh sun, no distant traffic, no voices carrying through the halls, no phones ringing in some other room with somebody needing something from Michael before he had even opened his eyes.Ā
Just the cold press of mountain air against the windows, the dark shape of pine trees swaying gently outside, and the faint sounds of the ranch slowly waking up around you. Somewhere in the distance, a horse gave a low sound from the stables, followed by the creak of wood and the faint shuffle of footsteps on gravel. Even the quiet felt different here. It did not feel empty. It felt like the world had finally decided to leave him alone for a few hours.
For a while, you stayed exactly where you were, lying on your side and watching Michael sleep. He had moved closer to you sometime in the night, curling toward your warmth with one hand tucked beneath his cheek and the other resting loosely at your waist.
His curls were flattened on one side, wild on the other, and the softness of his face in sleep made your chest ache in a way you did not know how to name.Ā
Last night, he had let you see parts of him he had been hiding with long sleeves, dim lights, closed doors, and carefully placed distance. He had stood in front of you with all that fear in his eyes, showing you the marbling spreading across his skin like he was waiting for your face to change, waiting for you to flinch, waiting for you to prove every cruel thought he had been carrying about himself. Instead, you had touched him gently. You had kissed him softly. You had stayed.
Now he slept like his body had finally grown too tired to keep bracing for rejection.
You leaned down and pressed a careful kiss to his shoulder, light enough not to wake him. āRest,ā you whispered, letting your lips linger there for just a moment before easing yourself out from under the blanket.
The wood floor was cold enough to make you pull in a sharp breath through your teeth, and you grabbed one of the blankets from the end of the bed before padding into the small kitchen. It was not much, just a little cabin kitchen tucked inside the ranch house, but it had enough.
A few cabinets, a stove, a small table near the window, a coffee pot that looked older than it had any right to be, and a bowl of fruit sitting on the counter like somebody had known you would need something to do with your hands. You moved quietly at first, opening drawers and cabinets until you found eggs, bacon, bread, oats, butter, coffee, and a couple of chipped mugs that made the place feel more lived in than luxurious.
It was not a fancy breakfast. That was the point. Michael had spent too much of his life surrounded by people who knew how to serve him but not always how to care for him. Silver trays, hotel plates, catered meals, staff moving around him with quiet efficiency.
This was you standing barefoot on the cold kitchen floor, wrapped in a blanket, cracking eggs into a bowl because the man in the next room had scared you half to death and still needed to eat.
The coffee started first, filling the kitchen with a warm, familiar, bitter smell that seemed to soften the cold edges of the room. Butter melted in the pan. Bread waited beside the toaster. You sliced fruit, rinsing berries under water so cold it made your fingertips ache.
Outside, the sky was slowly brightening over the mountains, and somewhere nearby a rooster made a loud, offended sound like it had personally taken responsibility for waking the entire state of Colorado.
You shook your head, glancing back toward the bedroom.
Michael still had not stirred. Good.
You were stirring the eggs when you heard the soft drag of footsteps behind you. Not enough to startle you, but enough to make you pause with the spatula in your hand and look over your shoulder.
He stood at the edge of the kitchen wrapped in a thick robe that looked too big on him, one hand holding it closed near his chest. His hair was a mess, sleep still heavy in his eyes, and there was something painfully tender about the way he looked around the kitchen before looking at you. Like he had woken up expecting the room to be empty. Like some part of him still had not trusted that you would be there when morning came.
āMorning,ā you said softly.
Michael blinked at you, then looked toward the stove, the coffee, the toast, the fruit on the counter, taking in the evidence of your care with an expression that made your throat tighten.
āYouāre cooking?ā
āNo, Michael. Iām standing at the stove stirring nothing.ā
For a second, he only stared at you. Then his mouth twitched, small and sleepy, but real enough to make something loosen in your chest.
āYou didnāt have to do all this,ā he said, stepping farther into the kitchen.
āI know.ā
He stopped near the table, still watching you like he did not know what to do with the sight of you moving around the kitchen for him. āThen whyād you do it?ā
You turned back to the eggs, partly because they needed attention and partly because his voice, all rough from sleep and softened by surprise, was making it hard to keep your own expression steady. āBecause you need to eat,ā you said. āAnd you snore too loud. So I'm up now.ā
There was a pause behind you, and then he laughed.
Not one of those polite little laughs he gave when someone said something mildly amusing in a room full of people. Not the shy giggle he used to make others comfortable. One that was quiet and rusty from sleep, but real. It came from somewhere in his chest and filled the kitchen so gently that you had to stare down at the pan for a moment just to keep your eyes from burning.
āThere he is,ā you murmured.
His smile softened when you glanced back at him, like he knew exactly what you meant. You pointed the spatula toward the small table near the window. āSit down.ā
His eyebrows lifted. āYouāre bossy this morning, babyā
āIām very bossy all the time. Iām just gentle with you because youāre dramatic.ā
His mouth fell open slightly, offended in that soft, theatrical way of his. āDramatic?ā
āYes, dramatic.ā
āIām not dramatic.ā
āMichael, you disappeared into the woods like Robbin Hood.ā
For a second, he looked like he wanted to argue. Then his face cracked again, and he lifted a hand to cover his mouth as a laugh slipped out of him. It mattered more than he probably knew. After everything you had seen the night before, after all those tears he had tried so hard to hold back, hearing him laugh felt like the first sign that something in him had survived the night.
āSit down before your eggs get cold,ā you said, turning back toward the stove.
āYes, maāam,ā he answered softly, and even though the words carried a little teasing, he obeyed without fighting you.
He didnāt need to hover or insist that he was fine. He simply sat at the table with his robe wrapped around him and his shoulders still slightly hunched against the morning cold, watching you move around the kitchen like he was not used to letting somebody love him in practical ways.
You fixed his plate first. Bacon, eggs, toast with butter, fruit on the side, and a small bowl of oatmeal because you did not trust him not to take two bites and call himself full. You made his coffee light, the way you knew he liked it, and when you placed everything in front of him, his eyes lowered to the plate and stayed there for a moment.
Then he looked up at you.
āYou remembered.ā
You shrugged as you sat across from him. āYouāre not that hard to remember.ā
His fingers curled around the mug, but he did not drink right away. The two of you sat there in the kind of silence that did not need to be filled quickly. It was full enough already, carrying everything from the night before. His skin beneath your hands. His voice breaking when he told you he was scared. The way he had looked at you like he was waiting for you to decide whether he was still beautiful. Your anger was still there too, not as sharp as it had been when you first found him, but present. You were not ready to pretend he had not terrified you just because he looked soft and sweet in the morning light.
āEat,ā you said.
He looked at you over the rim of the mug. āYou gonna watch me the whole time?ā
āYes.ā
āWhy?ā
āBecause I donāt trust you.ā
His eyes dropped immediately, guilt moving across his face before you could stop it.
You reached across the table and touched his wrist. āNot like that,ā you said gently. āI mean I donāt trust you not to take three bites and call that breakfast.ā
He looked at your hand on him for a moment, then turned his wrist beneath your touch until his fingers could lace loosely with yours. The gesture was small, almost absent, but the intimacy of it made your chest ache. He did not say anything at first. He just held your hand there beside his plate, thumb brushing slowly over your knuckles as if he needed the contact to stay steady.
āIām sorry,ā he said quietly.
You squeezed his hand. āEat first. Apologize after.ā
He did as he was told, though at first he picked at the food more than he ate it. Tiny bites. Slow chewing. A careful sip of coffee. His body was still tired, still guarded, still not fully convinced that rest was allowed. You pretended not to notice because you knew if you praised him for eating, he would become self-conscious and stop.Ā
Instead, you tore your toast in half and talked about nothing important. Michael listened, smiling faintly into his plate. Every so often, his foot brushed yours beneath the table. The first time, you thought it was an accident. The second time, you knew better.
You nudged him back. āStop flirting with me under the table and finish your breakfast.ā
His eyes widened with that innocent look he used when he was absolutely guilty. āI wasnāt!ā
āYou are always doing something.ā
He laughed under his breath, taking another bite like he was trying to hide the smile behind his fork.
You reached over and brushed the crumb away with your thumb. He went still under touch. Your thumb lingered a second longer than necessary at the corner of his mouth, and when his eyes lifted to yours, there was something sleepy and tender and familiar in them that made you forget for half a second that you were supposed to be mad.
āMessy,ā you whispered.
His voice came out softer. āAm I?ā That got another smile out of him, but when you tried to pull your hand back, he caught it. He brought your knuckles to his mouth and kissed them once, then again, then held your hand there against his lips with his eyes closed like he needed a moment to absorb the fact that you were really there.
All your teasing went quiet.
āMichael.ā
He kissed your fingers once more before lowering your hand, though he still did not let go. āI woke up and you werenāt there,ā he admitted.
Your heart twisted.
āI was ten feet away making breakfast.ā
āI know,ā he said, thumb moving over your knuckles. āI justā¦ā
He didnāt finish but you understood the rest of it. After everything he had shown you, after spending so long convinced that being seen would make him lose you, waking up alone for even a few seconds must have felt like proof of every fear he had.
You stepped between his knees and placed both hands on his face, your thumbs brushing gently along his cheeks. You moved before he could apologize for needing reassurance. He leaned into you with a quiet surrender immediately, like his body recognized where you belonged before his mind could talk him out of it.
You bent and kissed his forehead, then his lips.
āYou scared me, angel faceā you whispered against his skin.
His eyes closed. āI know.ā
āYou scared everybody.ā
āI know.ā
āYou scared your mother.ā
His hands tightened at your waist.
āAnd you scared me the worst,ā you continued, voice softer now, ābecause I had to sit there wondering if you left because of me.ā
His eyes opened quickly. āNo. No, baby, I told you it wasnātāā
āI know,ā you said, stroking his cheek. āI know that now.ā
āIād never do that to you.ā
āI know.ā
āI havenāt touched anybody else. I donāt want anybody else.ā
āI know, Michael.ā
His throat moved. āI just didnāt know where to go.ā
Your anger softened, not disappearing, but changing shape in your chest. āYou could have come to me.ā
His gaze fell.
āI didnāt know how to let you see me like that.ā
You held his face a little firmer, making him look at you. āYou let me see you last night.ā
His lips trembled faintly.
āAnd Iām still here.ā
For a moment, he looked like those words hurt more than comforted him, like relief itself was painful because he had spent so long preparing for rejection.
Then he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around your midsection. You stood between his knees, one hand going carefully to the back of his head, mindful of the tender places, while the other smoothed over his shoulder.
His body curved into yours like he had finally stopped trying to hold himself upright alone.
You kissed his hair. āIām still mad at you.ā
His voice came muffled against you. āI know.ā
āYou canāt vanish like that.ā
āI know.ā
āYou cannot disappear from me and make me chase you across the country like Iām in some sad ass detective movie.ā
A faint laugh breathed against your sweater.
āIām serious.ā
āI know,ā he said again, then pulled back just enough to look up at you. His eyes were wet, but there was a little smile there too. āIām sorry. For real.ā
You studied him for a moment before brushing his curls back from his face. āOkay.ā
His brows lifted. āOkay?ā
āFor now.ā You tapped his chin gently. āFinish eating.ā
He groaned softly, head falling back with theatrical suffering. āYou see? Bossy.ā
āSomebody has to be. You ran away to a ranch like a dramatic little woodland creature.ā
āI thought I was a prince.ā
āDonāt push it.ā
His robe was soft beneath your hand, and he smelled like sleep, coffee, and the faintest trace of cologne still clinging to his skin. You kissed his temple before resting your cheek against his curls. You reached for his fork and offered him a bite. He gave you a shy look, but opened his mouth anyway.
āThere you go,ā you said.
He rolled his eyes, embarrassed. āDonāt talk to me like Iām five.ā
āThen donāt make me come all the way to Colorado to make sure youāre eating.ā
He chewed, looking properly chastised, and you smiled despite yourself.
For a while, that was all the morning asked of you both. Breakfast. Coffee. Cold window glass. Your body warm in his lap. His arm tight around your waist. Your fingers occasionally feeding him bites when he got too quiet. His mouth pressing absent little kisses to your shoulder between sips of coffee. The mountains outside stayed still and quiet like they knew better than to interrupt.
Eventually, his plate was mostly empty.
You did not comment on it. You only rubbed your hand slowly up and down his back, feeling the tension there, the way it had not left completely but had loosened beneath your touch.
āThereās something we need to talk about,ā you said quietly.
He stiffened under you.
You kissed the side of his head. āNot like that.ā
His fingers curled into your sweater. āWhat?ā
āHome.ā
The word changed the room.
Michael looked past your shoulder toward the window, out at the pale morning and the dark trees beyond the glass. āI canāt go back today,ā he whispered.
āIām not asking you to.ā
He looked at you then, searching your face like he did not quite trust what he had heard.
You brushed your thumb along his cheek. āIām not calling everybody and telling them to come drag you back.ā
His eyes shone again.
āI do need to let your mother know youāre safe,ā you said. āThat part is not optional.ā
He nodded slowly. āOkay.ā
āBut I wonāt bring the circus to you. Not managers. Not brothers. Not cameras. Not anybody youāre not ready for.ā
His mouth pressed together, and you could see the relief come over him before the guilt had a chance to bury it.
āI scared her,ā he said.
āYes.ā
He closed his eyes.
āBut she loves you,ā you said. āAnd I think sheāll understand needing quiet better than most people.ā
He looked down at where his hand rested against your hip. āI donāt know when Iāll be ready.ā
You slipped your fingers beneath his chin and lifted his face. āYou come home when youāre ready.ā
His brows drew together. āAnd if Iām not ready?ā
āThen we stay until you are.ā
He stared at you for a long moment, and the room went still again, not empty, but full. Then he lowered his forehead to your chest and breathed out like something inside him had finally loosened.
You wrapped both arms around him. āIām not saying you get to hide forever,ā you murmured into his hair. āIām saying you get to heal before everybody starts pulling on you again.ā
His voice was small. āYouāll stay with me?ā
There it was. The question beneath everything. Not whether you would fix it. Not whether you would tell him what to do. Whether you would stay.
You kissed the top of his head and held him tighter. āI flew to the mountains, didnāt I? Yes, Michael,ā you said softly. āIāll stay.ā
He turned his face into your neck, and for a while he did not say anything at all. He just held onto you, breathing warm against your skin while the coffee cooled on the table and the ranch woke slowly outside.
Then, very softly, he said, āIām still hungry.ā
You pulled back and looked at him.
His eyes were shy, but there was a spark there now. A little life. A little mischief. A little of the Michael who had been hiding underneath all that pain.
āOh, now youāre hungry?ā
He gave you the smallest smile. āMaybe.ā
You climbed off his lap and picked up his plate. āGood. Because I made oatmeal too.ā
His face fell.
You laughed. āDonāt look like that.ā
āI donāt want oatmeal.ā
āYouāre eating oatmeal.ā
āBabyā¦ā
āNo. You need something warm in your stomach.ā
āI had eggs.ā
āAnd now youāre having oatmeal.ā
He sighed, dramatically, pulling the robe tighter around himself. āAm I?ā
You raised your eyebrows, cocking your head to the side.
The laugh he let out filled the kitchen. There he was again. Still hurting, still scared, still not ready, but there. And for that morning, in that little kitchen tucked away in the Colorado mountains, he had finally gotten a minute to breathe.
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